[philaman]

We have young children but as they grow older I am concerned whether we should tell them they are adopted or hope they do not discover. My cousin who is older than I stll feels she is bio yet the family knows different. What are your thoughts

[Paragraphein]

You absolutely need to tell them, and the sooner the better. Most professionals now recommend telling the children from the time they are born, so that there isn't a big revelation, one particular moment where they find out.

Obviously that is no longer possible in your case, but you can minimize the potential negative effects by telling the children immediately.

Every single adopted adult I know who found out later in life that they were adopted feels betrayed by their parents. And the chances are they WILL find out, no matter how hard you try to keep it from them.

Also, from a medical standpoint, they need to know that your family medical history is not theirs.

[J_9]

If a child finds out by mistake that they are not yours biologically, they will feel totally and completely betrayed. You never know if a blood donor or dreaded transplant will be needed and you aren't a match for either.

Being honest and upfront from the get go will give your children respect for you. You see, my husband and two of his siblings were adopted, they knew as far back as they can remember.

A friend was adopted and never told. When she needed a bone marrow transplant at the age of 35 and found out at that time that she was adopted, she was devastated.

[Fr_Chuck]

Always tell them, there are even preschool books that talk and show them they are a speical child since they were picked,

I believe that they should be told as soon as they are old enough to even 1/2 way understand. The longer you wait, the harder it will be and the more anger and mistrust they may have. Around 4 or 5 is a good time to start explaining it in small details, they should fully understand by the time they start school

[bushg]

If I had an adopted child from the start we would have a adoption day celebration. Maybe a thank you card a small dinner and a cake.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, I am adopted as many may know, and I always had gotten a card for that day. I was so upset a few years ago when mom stopped ( OK my mom is in her upper 80s so doing anything was hard) But that was a much more special day to me than my birthday everwas.
I think letting the child know how special adoption is and how that is a special time will help them understand that the adopted parents are the real parents, something those that find out older in their life sometimes forget

[shygrneyzs]

My youngest has two celebrations each year. First, his birthday and second, the day the adoption was final. I also do something special on Sepetember 7th, the day he came to live with us as our foster son.

Telling you children that they are adopted is the wisest route to take. You tell them as much as they can understand and always be open for more discussion.

Here are some sites that can help you.

Talking to Kids About Adoption
Exploring Adoption: When Should You Tell Your Child He Was Adopted?
Roots and Wings Adoption Magazine
The Adopted Child | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

[philaman]

You absolutely need to tell them, and the sooner the better. Most professionals now recommend telling the children from the time they are born, so that there isn't a big revelation, one particular moment where they find out.

Obviously that is no longer possible in your case, but you can minimize the potential negative effects by telling the children immediately.

Every single adopted adult I know who found out later in life that they were adopted feels betrayed by their parents. And the chances are they WILL find out, no matter how hard you try to keep it from them.

Also, from a medical standpoint, they need to know that your family medical history is not theirs.

Such a vast difference of opinion. Therapist in their life indicate to wait until older... said nothing of betrayal. I will surface the question again thank you.

[stonewilder]

Being that I have never been in this situation I can't say I have enough knowledge to know for sure what's best. For that reason I can only go by how I think I would feel if I were the adopted child. I don't think telling them as teenagers would be the best time because those years are hard enough with out adding to it. I do think however that at some point they should be told. Things have a way of getting out and if they are going to find out it should be from you and not at a time where you feel forced to tell them. I would guess that telling them when they are old enough to somewhat understand yet young enough not to feel betrayed. I would also guess that only you know them well enough emotionally to decide when the time is right.

[J_9]

Such a vast difference of opinion. Therapist in their life indicate to wait until older...said nothing of betrayal. I will surface the question again thank you.

We are all speaking from experience. The therapist may not have personal experience with adoption or only know what he/she has read in books.

This is a very personal decision, you may choose to wait, and that can be okay, yet it can be dangerous.

I ask you to please consider future medical emergencies. One might look at birth defects. Suppose your child grows up and gets married and is expecting a child. The fetus is diagnosed with a congenital disorder that is passed from either parent. When that child comes to you and asks if you are a carrier... will you tell the truth then? Or will you lie?

You see, if you tell the truth at that point, after your grown children have grown up to believe they are yours naturally, don't you think you will lose some trust? After all you did lie, in a sense, all these years.

Have you been part of an adoption support group? If not, it may be a good avenue to travel down, get first hand responses from those who have been down the road you are traveling. Other than the first hand experience you are getting here.

Will you wait until your child is in the ER with a life threatening illness to disclose to the doctor, in front of your child, why you cannot be a blood donor or an organ (kidney for example) donor? And yes, it does happen more than you can imagine. I have seen it in the medical setting many many more times than I wish to remember.

Weigh the risks of telling your children against the benefits. Make a list, if you will, about the pros and cons of telling them and a list of not telling them.



Which list has more pros?

[stonewilder]

When I suspected that my son was gay I didn't sleep much for three months thinking about it. One night I closed my eyes and seen me asking my son if he was gay and he said yes. My heart dropped but from that I finally figured out where to go from there and how to handle it. I was finally able to sleep again and when the time came I didn't over reacted or say things I didn't really mean. Perhaps you could try this as well. Close your eyes and see your parents telling you right now that you are adopted and make yourself believe it is real. How dose that make you feel? Do you wish they had told you sooner?
A therapist once told me that I was wrong to think I had to love my mother just because she gave birth to me. When my mother died I felt a over whelming guilt that I had let myself believe that I didn't love her and when that voice inside my head two days before she died told me to tell her I loved her I walked away instead. Would I have felt that guilt had I not listened to that therapist? I have nothing against therapist but they can be wrong sometimes too. I'm sure there is a support group for adopting parents/ children. You may find the answer you need from people who have experienced it. It seems that there are a few here that have experienced it themselves.

[kt1205]

The child should know the truth. If you tell them they may start wondering stuff later on in life and possibly figure it out anyway.

[philaman]

Our thrapist is quite experienced... and your input agrees w/mine perhaps only difference is when not if The fact that I present this for forum review shows my concern... eh? It would be a far reach to lie to them. My cousin still does not know she is adopted... so this is not an option. With any decision I search everywhere to get correct data to select my decision. Thanks to all will keep you posted

[Synnen]

I'm amazed that as you have young children that you don't have an open or semi-open adoption. Was this an international adoption, perhaps? I know that most domestic adoptions in the US these days are at least semi-open.

As far as telling the child--what reason would you have NOT to tell them? Being adopted is a pretty special thing, and a child would feel that, if you went about it the right way.

You've gotten very good advice here, with some great links, and I don't really have anything to add other than my (mostly just curiosity) question regarding the openness of your adoption.

[cal823]

Whether you are adopted or not shouldn't really bug you.
I reckon parenthood is more about the fact that they spent all that time raising you and loving you than the fact they spent all that time carrying you around in a uterus.

[lilash07]

Hi I'm adopted an my parent told me when I was around 9 or 10 you don't need to let them find out on there own because if you do more than likely they'll be devistated and wonder why you never said anything.. You never know if the bio parent will ever contact you or the child what will happen if this does occur before the child even knows its adopted? Please tell them

[s_cianci]

I feel it's important to be honest and upfront about these things. If you're not, they will almost certainly find out through some other means. Then there'll be a lot of anger and resentment towards you for your lack of honesty.

[MOWERMAN2468]

I just asked my oldest son, notice I did not refer to him as my "adopted son" he is OUR SON, anyway, he said yes that he is glad that we had told him and that he would have felt betrayed if he later found out in life. So I guess you should do what we done, sit down and talk to your children, then be ready for the questions that will be asked by them, and be honest with them. Don't sugar coat anything. I have always been truthful and precise with my answers to my children. So good luck, and let the children know. And as far as the family medical history, yes this will come up some day. By them knowing they are adopted may save their life one day. And as far as their biological medical history, you may be provided with extensive, or nearly none.

[philaman]

i just asked my oldest son, notice i did not refer to him as my "adopted son" he is OUR SON, anyways, he said yes that he is glad that we had told him and that he would have felt betrayed if he later found out in life. so i guess you should do what we done, sit down and talk to your children, then be ready for the questions that will be asked by them, and be honest with them. don't sugar coat anything. i have always been truthful and precise with my answers to my children. so good luck, and let the children know. and as far as the family medical history, yes this will come up some day. by them knowing they are adopted may save their life one day. and as far as their biological medical history, you may be provided with extensive, or nearly none.

My son, like yours has been re-told and he continues to do well with it they are from a very complicated background and are both special needs but still from this forum I see we continue to do the right thing... of I would never either refer as adopted our dues have been paid and we both deserve the titlle REAL FATHER REAL SON take care T

[Fr_Chuck]

I have couseled hundreds of children and young adults that were adopted.

Thowing aside the ones where the adopted families were abusive or where they divorced. But the ones that were as normal family as we could expect, the older you tell them the more their desire to find their "real parents" to fill a empty part of their person.
The more younger you tell them, and the more part of making it special to them, the more they understand the adoptive parents are the real parents and the less desire to find anything missing.

The titles adoptive son or the such is never used "ever" but the fact they were shows they are even more speicial since they were picked not just a child that you had no choice in picking out.