[firmbeliever]

yea me too,but ive lost my compass which makes things difficult

I am willing to lend a helping hand as you search for your compass.
Just ask :)

[albear]

OK then you look left,ill look right




(seriously though)

[firmbeliever]

Albear,
I was being serious about the helping hand,you just need to ask if you do need help...

[albear]

Yea, soz if you thought I was mocking u, I think ill search by myself for a while,

[albear]

Thanks for offering though

[firmbeliever]

I believe my purpose in life is to be the best I can be, always improving myself,being a better human being,
To work more for the hereafter and less for this temporary world which we call life.

To work on always being a better mother, a better wife, a better friend...
I may fall,but it is up to me to get and get going..

[chek101]

chek,
not to sound dumb, but could you elaborate on "perpetuate itself"?

Thanks

Firmbeliever, you are not dumb. Just wanting more information. Let me explain, I'm a weird duck. At least I have never come across someone like me... not that I'm this great shining example of humanity... just different than most in my beliefs and perspective... no doubt somewhere out there with my kind of thinking, but I stick by it, regardless.

I will try to clarify what "I believe" about the purpose of life. Life in EVERY aspect, form or shape seeks to perpetuate itself... to maintain it's own species. Else their wouldn't be as many species as there are. All species seeks to survive! I can see no point to species compartmentalization, otherwise.

Of course most humans prefer a more lofty explanation that that the only purpose of life is species survival. So life (a cunning fellow) built in a few elaborate tricks to disguise that fact. This allows the human psyche to accept and/or prefer other possibilities more readily. A few neat tricks are spirituality: procreation, and perhaps death awareness. There are others less obvious but these I feel are the top catalyst behind that little walk we all take as we go from point A to point B. Life's little helpers: emotions, aided and abetted by a strong need to be part of the "pack" help in keeping with life's plan.

Would you not prefer to believe in a higher purpose? Of course you would. But quite frankly, we are no more privileged than a tulip.

Btw, I do not possess a degree and didn't graduate high school which by the way I believe to be a good thing having limited exposure to institutional teachings. I just tend to look around and look deep into things and what's behind them even beyond the Nth degree. And from such observations I concluded the above. I hope this does not offend you. I'm a good person, feeling my heart ache everyday as I witness the carelessness with which we treat each other.

[firmbeliever]

Firmbeliever, you are not dumb. Just wanting more information. Let me explain, I'm a weird duck. At least I have never come across someone like me ... not that I'm this great shining example of humanity ... just different than most in my beliefs and perspective ... no doubt somewhere out there with my kind of thinking, but I stick by it, regardless.

I will try to clarify what "I believe" about the purpose of life. Life in EVERY aspect, form or shape seeks to perpetuate itself ... to maintain it's own species. Else their wouldn't be as many species as there are. All species seeks to survive! I can see no point to species compartmentalization, otherwise.

Of course most humans prefer a more lofty explanation that that the only purpose of life is species survival. So life (a cunning fellow) built in a few elaborate tricks to disguise that fact. This allows the human psyche to accept and/or prefer other possibilities more readily. A few neat tricks are spirituality: procreation, and perhaps death awareness. There are others less obvious but these I feel are the top catalyst behind that little walk we all take as we go from point A to point B. Life's little helpers: emotions, aided and abetted by a strong need to be part of the "pack" help in keeping with life's plan.

Would you not prefer to believe in a higher purpose? Of course you would. But quite frankly, we are no more privileged than a tulip.

Btw, I do not possess a degree and didn't graduate high school which by the way I believe to be a good thing having limited exposure to institutional teachings. I just tend to look around and look deep into things and what's behind them even beyond the Nth degree. And from such observations I concluded the above. I hope this does not offend you. I'm a good person, feeling my heart ache everyday as I witness the carelessness with which we treat each other.

Thanks chek,
For sharing your thoughts.

And I for one do not look at one's qualifications from school or college, I like to hear people's real life experiences.Some I believe are more smarter than institution learners.
The hard knocks in real life tends to shape some for the better while others whither away.

I do believe in searching, and finding true Peace, and everyone should keep searching...
I have found my path to peace, the hard work will be keeping to it and finding my eternal peace at the end of the path.:)

[chek101]

Firmbeliever, I am closer to point B than I am to to point A, which places me strongly in the center of a very crowded arena for those "who want to know like NOW!" Meaning those of us who are trying to make sense of it all... especially those that are pretty near done with life. Oh, I have a ways to go, yet, but when there are more of your dreams behind you than in front of you, well... whether you know it or not, you're already done.

The only sense I can make of... let's say, "my life" would almost have to touch upon the realm of God. Let me explain: I was thinking the other day about how we tend to get smarter as we get older. The thought crept into my head after having read an article whereby the author posed the question, "How come we can't remember the future, but only the past?
The correlation for me being "getting smarter as we get older." I wondered about that. If one thinks back on their life, I'm sure they can summon up some regrets, maybe a few happy stances as well. The point I'm trying to make is, often as not, when there's regret, it weighs on your heart like an oak tree. You wonder how could you have been that stupid, or that careless as to have made or done such a terrible thing/mistake? When I start recalling some of the bone-headed things I did, I placate myself by thinking, "Ah, but I know better, now?" And that's the line that got me thinking -- why know better now? Why not before? But then we wouldn't make mistakes, would we? Utopia? A definite no-no. That would certainly put a kink in life's plan, wouldn't it? Seems almost like there's a lesson thing going on, here, don't it? Then again ... and I can come up with these "then again's" all day ... I counter with, "S' probably another one of those "tricks" good o' life likes laying on you, girl, just to keep you guessing: searching, moving on, and doing till your body hits the floor. Then again... just kidding... :)

[firmbeliever]

Firmbeliever, I am closer to point B than I am to to point A, which places me strongly in the center of a very crowded arena for those "who want to know like NOW!" Meaning those of us who are trying to make sense of it all ... especially those that are pretty near done with life. Oh, I have a ways to go, yet, but when there are more of your dreams behind you than in front of you, well ... whether you know it or not, you're already done.

The only sense I can make of ... let's say, "my life" would almost have to touch upon the realm of God. Let me explain: I was thinking the other day about how we tend to get smarter as we get older. The thought crept into my head after having read an article whereby the author posed the question, "How come we can't remember the future, but only the past?
The correlation for me being "getting smarter as we get older." I wondered about that. If one thinks back on their life, I'm sure they can summon up some regrets, maybe a few happy stances as well. The point I'm trying to make is, often as not, when there's regret, it weighs on your heart like an oak tree. You wonder how could you have been that stupid, or that careless as to have made or done such a terrible thing/mistake? When I start recalling some of the bone-headed things I did, I placate myself by thinking, "Ah, but I know better, now?" And that's the line that got me thinking -- why know better now? Why not before? But then we wouldn't make mistakes, would we? Utopia? A definite no-no. That would certainly put a kink in life's plan, wouldn't it? Seems almost like there's a lesson thing going on, here, don't it? Then again ... and I can come up with these "then again's" all day ... I counter with, "S' probably another one of those "tricks" good o' life likes laying on you, girl, just to keep you guessing: searching, moving on, and doing till your body hits the floor. Then again ............................. just kidding ............. :)

Chek,
There's a belief in my faith that "If I had/had not" is a term that Satan tries to emphasise in our life, Satan makes us regret the things we did or did not do until we feel so bad about our past that it takes us near ending our life right NOW.

What I believe is that all of us makes mistakes ,we learn from it and become a little better than we were before and discontinue that mistake as we already know the result of it.Some do not realise the mistake and continue on a path to self destruction.

About remembering the future, we do not remember it because we have not lived it,but the past is where we have already lived and experienced.
As I do not believe we come into this world a second or a third time,but the only life we have is now in this present time,after death we are in another place,and we never could return to this world to right wrongs or correct mistakes or to live a better life or to be a better person.We only have this one chance in life.

In searching for peace, we have many obstacles in life, some get over the hurdles while others give up.If you Chek are still searching then you still have a life,but when you give up the search then it will be as good as you being not alive(Dont you think so?).

As for me personally I know I am on the truth,and would wish for those searching to know the truth I know and understand and accept the truth before our life ends,because I know and believe that ultimate peace cannot be had in this worldly life,but it can come only after our death when we find out the fruits of our labour we did in this world.

I hope I am not confusing you more than clarifying.I must say I love discussing this with you... :)

[chek101]

Chek,
Theres a belief in my faith that "If I had/had not" is a term that Satan tries to emphasise in our life, Satan makes us regret the things we did or did not do until we feel so bad about our past that it takes us near ending our life right NOW.

What I believe is that all of us makes mistakes ,we learn from it and become a little better than we were before and discontinue that mistake as we already know the result of it.Some do not realise the mistake and continue on a path to self destruction.

About remembering the future, we do not remember it because we have not lived it,but the past is where we have already lived and experienced.
As I do not believe we come into this world a second or a third time,but the only life we have is now in this present time,after death we are in another place,and we never could return to this world to right wrongs or correct mistakes or to live a better life or to be a better person.We only have this one chance in life.

In searching for peace, we have many obstacles in life, some get over the hurdles while others give up.If you Chek are still searching then you still have a life,but when you give up the search then it will be as good as you being not alive(Dont you think so?).

As for me personally I know I am on the truth,and would wish for those searching to know the truth I know and understand and accept the truth before our life ends,because I know and believe that ultimate peace cannot be had in this worldly life,but it can come only after our death when we find out the fruits of our labour we did in this world.

I hope I am not confusing you more than clarifying.I must say I love discussing this with you...:)

Firm, I think it's great that you have a strong "belief" system in place, and I can see in your thoughts that you are fully committed to it. With one such as you, the answers come wrapped up a lot neater than mine does... someone like me with this snow-globe brain full of bombarding inquiries that every now and then allows one to slip into the slot where an "almost" resolution can present itself to me. Since I know enough to know that we don't know everything, and never will know everything, no resolution can ever truly be resolved beyond question... not to my mind, it can't. That's what all that discombobulating in my head is all about. I am sure you have some questions rattling around upstairs as well. No?"

You got it half right; I AM searching. But not really for answers, my search is for satisfaction which of course is stuck way out there at the other end of the stick along with the carrot.

You see I got rhythm ... I got the rhythm of life, down. I know the beat, I may not know the lyrics, but I know all the major chords, and they all start with discord. Like the song says, "Into each life, some discord must fall." (well, it really doesn't say that). But that's what I take issue with. I particularly don't like my dissatisfaction with the now useless meanderings that weave their way in and out of my every new day. Here is where the music really hits some sour notes. And yet, I STILL can't make out THE WORDS!

It is illogical to me why one at this point in time could move thru life: come so far, survive so much, and not learn one blessed thing worth a hare's breath, not the slightest clue, not one lousy hint to suggest even one syllable of one word of the lyrics to the ambiguous song called "life." It's mind-watering to me! Not to mention, irritating. Is the goal to keep us diminutive? To remind us how God-like we are NOT? At whose feet then shall we kneel? Why not tit for tat? Placate for placate? You give me, I give you. What's wrong with that? This I can live with! Not this lead wall that won't let us see anything beyond it. I dislike that it makes me feel subjugated.

So you know the truth. That makes you one of the rare. The satisfied. But then couldn't that be interpreted as your being more done with life than I? Because, as another song I know, still says, "I can't get no satisfaction." LOL!

As for not remembering the future, why not? The future rides on the tail of yesterday, doesn't it? Kind of like the way night ignites the day, right?

[firmbeliever]

Chek-
"But then couldn't that be interpreted as your being more done with life than I?"

No, it cannot, in fact I cannot be even considered having done or faced much in worldly terms.
I have lost people due to death,but no more than anyone else.I have had my share of doubts but very little compared to most. I have had an easy life, in which I have faced my own fears and hopes but have not faced as much hardship as many I know.
I have had a relatively healthy life,have settled into life with my own family.

That being said, I have my quirks and need self improvement all the time,isn't that what growing up and maturing is about?

About being subjugated,
I love submitting to the Almighty,trying to follow only His guidelines, as in it I find peace, I find that I am a better human being and through it I am working for a better afterlife.

I have my questions too, maybe not as many as yours, but I get answers even if they are not as neatly wrapped up as you think.It is an ongoing search,work and learning for me too,but unlike your situation I know what may lie at the end of my path.

But if you do find the truth, how will you know it is?Are you searching for any particular answers to your questions.

I do admire people who survive through adversity and question and find their path to peace(someday)

[chek101]

Chek-
"But then couldn't that be interpreted as your being more done with life than I?"

No, it cannot, in fact I cannot be even considered having done or faced much in worldly terms.
I have lost people due to death,but no more than anyone else.I have had my share of doubts but very little compared to most. I have had an easy life, in which I have faced my own fears and hopes but have not faced as much hardship as many I know.
I have had a relatively healthy life,have settled into life with my own family.

That being said, I have my quirks and need self improvement all the time,isnt that what growing up and maturing is about?

About being subjugated,
I love submitting to the Almighty,trying to follow only His guidelines, as in it I find peace, I find that I am a better human being and through it I am working for a better afterlife.

I have my questions too, maybe not as many as yours, but I get answers even if they are not as neatly wrapped up as you think.It is an ongoing search,work and learning for me too,but unlike your situation I know what may lie at the end of my path.

But if you do find the truth, how will you know it is?Are you searching for any particular answers to your questions.

I do admire people who survive through adversity and question and find their path to peace(someday)

Yes, I know you have had a relatively easy life. Well, we are on opposite sides of the coins in that; I have not. Guess you assumed as much judging from my dissatisfaction. I think if someone keeps you pinned to the ground with his foot in your neck for 99 point 9 percent of your life, when he finally takes it away, I doubt you will jump to your feet and start singing anyone praises anytime too soon. There has not been a time, nor will there ever be a time, when I have or will come up singing. It is my way to spread my feet firmly in place and brace myself for the what I know will come next, and I will meet it shoulder to shoulder with everything in me.
No, I'm not about to accept subjugation to anyone or anything. Not now. What will that change if I did? Will my path be strewn with roses... now? Big deal! I put out a buck and get back a penny? Hey, I gave at the office!
Ok, so I have anger issues; I already stated that when I first came on this board.
Do you know what bothers me most about that? The fact that I KNOW that... that I am AWARE of it, and know nothing can, nor ever will change it: not from the soul's eyes that views and faces things the way I do.
I wake up every morning at war. And it is from that stance I get up and face my day, ready to go toe to toe with it if need be. Of course, I know there can never be a victory here, because all you can win is "futility." Still, the jaw tightens, the brow lowers, and my feet hit the floor, firmly, "ready" to confront the new day.
I think about this sometimes when the room is dark and clarity is hidden in the gloom with me. "Why bother?" I ask myself.
"Because it will win, if you give in." I answer.
It's as simple as that. And I won't let it win, and I will not give in! I also will not hound my heart and mind and dwell on my discontent, either, but rather I will channel it, let yesterday's passion be drained, let it seep out my fingertips and into the things I can create with my hands. I COULD take a hammer and choose to smash rather than create, but then I know that is the way it expects me to go, so in defiance, I go the other way -- we artist types wear our belligerence with aplomb. No, no malice in my mallet, I lift it instead to fashion things of beauty, soul candy. That is part of how I fight my subjugation. Who, how or what you feel subjugated to matters not... what matters is how you see it, react to it, and how you deal with it. So, yeah, we are on opposite sides of the coin; it's just that I've been looking at it from the ground up, you've been looking at from heaven.

[firmbeliever]

Chek,
I am sorry to hear you had such a tough life and that you are still struggling to find you.

I agree with you that no one will start singing praises when one realises they are free from the fetters holding them all their life.

Please do bear in mind that what I say is not meant to belittle your hard life or to make your experience seem trivial.
I admire those who persevere through hardships and find their own niche.

What I do believe is that those who have experienced hardships and sadness will value peace more than those of us with an easy life,because they know where they came from and what it is to be on the other side.

About looking down from Heaven,
I have no guarantees of being there... I just work for it and leave the judging to the Almighty.

[talaniman]

chek101, It wasn't that long ago that I shared your view from the ground, and challenged everyday that I woke up. What a rush it was to answer to no one no how. One day I looked around and saw all that I had created (kids)looking at me, and trying to do what they saw me do and in that moment realised where my purpose lay. Not in pleasing myself and spitting in the wind, but to be thoughtful of my actions and make a path albeit small for those behind me to follow. To do what ever I could to give them a better chance than I had. Now I sit and watch with utter amazement, at what they do, and are doing with the ones that follow them. Truly satisfying to say the least.
Firmbeliever, The day I stopped the fighting and stepped aside, and let the God that I understand work in my life was the day I found a real purpose to life. Where I was so powerless before, and still am, I know where true power lies, and can tap into it anytime. Life is much easier when your purpose is defined and easier to take a stand, because you know what your purpose is and the path you must take to get there. No more wandering in the wilderness, afraid of what comes next.

[firmbeliever]

Thank you Talaniman,
You sound very wise...

I agree with you, when we know our purpose in life,it just makes it easy to let go and let God,while we try to do the best we can with the life we have.

I believe our children teach us so much more than we teach them.

[chek101]

chek101, It wasn't that long ago that I shared your view from the ground, and challenged everyday that I woke up. What a rush it was to answer to no one no how. One day I looked around and saw all that I had created (kids)looking at me, and trying to do what they saw me do and in that moment realised where my purpose lay. Not in pleasing myself and spitting in the wind, but to be thoughtful of my actions and make a path albeit small for those behind me to follow. To do what ever I could to give them a better chance than I had. Now I sit and watch with utter amazement, at what they do, and are doing with the ones that follow them. Truly satisfying to say the least.

.

I guess you didn't read my intro. My kids are rotten, thoughtless and selfish as would be expected from a parent who gave them everything she had. Sacrifice? Plenty! And I used to think it was worth it. Now I don't. I can only hope they have kids just like them. They are the reason behind some of my anger issues, my husband added some to it as well... people in generally capped it off -- so-called friends and such. Now I keep to myself up here in this small congested three room apartment, sitting here at my book-cluttered desk that barely allows sufficient room for my computer. I do however have the one backyard view of trees and birds, God's lesser(?) creatures which is about all I appreciate. I rarely see people back there and bristle when I do because I don't like my scenery messed up.

You think I am not thoughtful of my actions? My hand is always the first to be offered, STILL! It is because of the abuse I suffer through, that I tend to empathize with others all I can. From time to time, I try to impart a small wisdom to them, my favorite being, "Don't have kids!" And I mean that whole-heartily. Now you are thinking, "Wow, she really hates her kids!" Yes... and no... I am a mother after all, and as such am chained to my maternal instincts, a mother's love and all that. But where did that get me? It got my life flushed down the tubes; that's where it got me. I gave up all one human being could possibly give up for her rotten kids including every last dime I had. I gave up my life for them! Are you hearing me? I GAVE UP MY LIFE!
You take the fire in your soul, and try sitting on that your whole life, and let's see how much of you is left after that... that which it did not consume. Fire both consumes and feeds itself; I am between the two and as a result am a bit jumpy. Meaning I have a quick temper that doesn't seem to have a middle; it just goes straight to unchecked rage, ie: my screen name "Chek." I'm NOT proud of that; it hurts me, because it goes against a side of me I lost a long time ago and had been trying to get back to ever since, though I now know that is a lost cause. I got remade without my knowledge or compliance; and so I want to strike down whoever or whatever made me into what I am today.
Do you think I will accept a profit? Now? Wasn't it the profit who led me to this forgotten (should be) place. Didn't I love with all my heart? Again, and again? Didn't I give and give and give and sacrifice, and bend, and kneel till my back gave out and my better spirit got ripped from my body?
You people think because a door opened for you, all is right in your heaven. And it is... in YOUR heaven or so I would image it to be, and image is all I can do at this point. But what if you were led to locked doors over and over and over again, that can't be opened by you? And what if those doors move farther and farther away with each regressive attempt you make to enter... till you can no longer see them, anymore? Where would your fervent heart be, then? Would you smile like me, in spite of it? I see... acceptance then... nope... nada... no way Jose. You see, I've learned to ignore the pain in my knees (from leaning on all those rocks).

I'm OK with it now... so OK... maybe not, but lets just keep that between you and me.
I do cry a lot, surprisingly often between loud laughter. I do though keep the scale tipped towards laughter, and that's what I've reduced the game to: in the words of A. Lincoln. "Most people just need to make up their minds to be happy." That's how you beat the game. Works for me.

[firmbeliever]

Chek,
I did read your other post and I know how hard it must be, but in my heart I know that each one will be given their due when the judgment Day arrives.

I would just like to let you know that in my belief mothers are to be respected even when they not from our faith, for they bore us in hardship and pain and helped us be who we are.
Most Mothers have it the hardest,the pain of childbirth,and the heartaches of everyday sadness the children face and in return when children turn around and ask "what did you do for us that we have to be grateful for?"
Grown children sometimes forget that we were once helpless and it was our parents that helped us know this world.

I really do hope Chek, that you find eternal peace.

[shatteredsoul]

I am saddened to see such anger and sadness coming through here. It is obvious that you are in such incredible pain. I am not sure I ever experienced it with my own children this way, they are still young, however I know my mother did with me. SHe did sacrifice her whole life for me, when she didn't even want to be a mom or a wife. She saw me as the lock and chain on her future and that I and my dad kept her from what she wanted to achieve in life . Eventually she left and became who she needed to be to feel good about herself and accomplished in her career. I understood her frustration and I always sensed the distance between us. Now things are better, different, but for many years she was so depressed. She tried to kill herself, suffered from anorexia and withdrew to the point of complete silence. I think it is good that you are getting out all of these emotions and feelings so that maybe after they are released, in some small way you can let them go, a little at a time. I don't know what the relationship is with your children, but if they are what you say they are, it is something you created out of a desire to give them the best you could. Maybe you nurtured a dependency and selfishness in them, because you thought it would make up for other things. IT doesn't really matter. What matters is getting yourself to a place of feeling OK about who you are and where you are going. The past doesn't really count now, what counts is this moment. YOu are being honest and while I think being happy is a choice you have to make, I think you still need to resolve some other issues to find peace within. NOt all of us have the traditional view of God or Heaven. If you look through other posts you will see that. We aren't here to judge you and we have all come here to deal with some personal pain we are experiencing. There is no lack of sadness or despair here. Yet, there is support, guidance and hope that you can find as well. You reaching out this way, is a positive thing. If you continue to expose yourself and be honest, you will find others that feel similar or that understand your feelings.
I don't have any answers but I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that while you feel cramped and angry and alone, in that apartment, you are not. WE are all intrinsically connected in some way, either through our pain, our loss, or our experiences. We are all human and we all have the need to be loved. You are no different, and neither are your children. Anything that they have become, can be changed. IT may take time and energy and some help from others but it can change. Usually young people have to get out of themselves to do for others, to become better people, actually, we all do. If you want me to continue I will. I don't want to add to your anger, I just want to be a source of comfort during this struggle and chaos in your life.
NO, life isn't easy for any of us. There is always someone who has it worse or someone who has it better. WE don't have to judge the experiences that we have, just learn from each other and try to find better ways to cope with this life that is so mysterious and somewhat daunting at times. I am not anyone with any certainty in anything, but I am here to share with you whatever I hold in my heart, if you feel it may help you in anyway.
I wish you peace...

[firmbeliever]

Thank you Shattered,
That was a beautiful post,so full of who you really are inside...