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Sunshine101 · Aug 14, 2007, 03:35 PM

I was married 12 years to a man that I divorced 12 years ago. I have only had 3 relationships since then. No one asks me out and I go out with my friends quite a bit. I have been trying to figure all of this out within myself. The first 2 relationships I had the men dumped me. This 3rd one is so messed up, I feel on the verge of insanity everyday. I bought the book "Why men marry es" and the book "Why men love es". These two books have helped me tremendously. Now I know that in my previous 2 relationships I was too accommodating and was just trying to be myself and give and give and give expecting little in return. Just the kind of person I am. After reading these books, I have put so much work into this 3rd relationship that I hate to throw in the towel and walk away. Says in the books... keep having "a life" (I do), act like you can live with or without him (I do), don't always answer your phone when he calls (I don't), banter and come right back at him and stand your ground (I do) the list could go on and on. Problem is... I should not have to suppress my desire for this man and withhold sex (I have a strong sexual appetite) to keep him on his toes and keep him coming around. When I put on this act about not caring and find 50 other things to do, he wants to hang around me and flirts like crazy and acts like he's afraid he's losing his piece of you know what. God, the games... are driving me crazy. I don't expect a relationship to be easy and I know it takes constant effort to maintain them but I still can't help being totally whacked out about the game playing. Seems like that is the only time he tries is when he thinks he might lose me. Then he tries so hard to charm me (it works) and I give in to him and then the next day it's right back where we started. Help someone please.

smoothy · Aug 15, 2007, 05:27 AM

Another thing to remember that due to your age most guys might assume you are married... and that they may be looking at you waiting for a signal you are interested.

Trust me a friend of mine ( a woman) pointed out to me the numbers of women that look at me one day I was helping her select a computer for her kids and husband to use. I had honestly never noticed it before she pointed it out, Now that's all about finding someone, not hanging on to them. Keep in mind not every man will be a fit for you, or you for them.

Don't rely too deeply on books. They tend to provide only one persons perspective that may not apply to many others.

talaniman · Aug 15, 2007, 05:56 AM

I'm not really sure what your asking. I do know that a relationship has to be built on more than sex, and you both have to work at it, and you must be able to talk and listen. You don't have to play any games, and it seems as though you and your current b/f have a routine and pattern, so what exactly are you wanting advice on??

Sunshine101 · Aug 15, 2007, 08:18 AM

I guess what I'm asking is I can't figure out why this always happens to me. Now that I have read those books, I understand what happened in the first 2 relationships, but this 3rd one really confuses me. Why does he only come back around when he thinks he's going to lose me? Why must I resort to doing this as the only means of keeping him on his toes with our relationship? After we go through this routine for about 3 days and then I give in to him and we have awesome sex, the next day he ignores me and acts like I have the plague. Maybe just too many questions about this relationship. I do know I should not be so mentally confused if this was a truly healthy relationship.

talaniman · Aug 15, 2007, 09:53 AM

Why must I resort to doing this as the only means of keeping him on his toes with our relationship? After we go through this routine for about 3 days and then I give in to him

Stop giving it to him and you break the pattern. He knows you will give in so he persists. Maybe a relationship is not for you, as your choice in the type of men is not very good, and focusing on yourself, and why you make these choices would be a better use of your time and energy. How long has the current relationship been going on?

smoothy · Aug 15, 2007, 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by Sunshine101

I guess what I'm asking is I can't figure out why this always happens to me. Now that I have read those books, I understand what happened in the first 2 relationships, but this 3rd one really confuses me. Why does he only come back around when he thinks he's going to lose me? Why must I resort to doing this as the only means of keeping him on his toes with our relationship? After we go through this routine for about 3 days and then I give in to him and we have awesome sex, the next day he ignores me and acts like I have the plague. Maybe just too many questions about this relationship. I do know I should not be so mentally confused if this was a truly healthy relationship.

Keep in mind 3 relationships in 12 years really is very little unless you spent most of those 12 years in one with one of the three guys. Ad in the 12 years of marriage you will not be at the top of your game in the dating game. Lot of body language signals to get rusty recognizing. And trust me many people might never learn as a single person. As I gave an example earlier I was one of them... missed out on many an opportunity I guess because of it. Maybe you just were not a good fit with any of those three guys. When you find the right guy there won't be drama like this. And well maybe even then. I get lots of drama from my wife, but also know the grass really isn't greener on the other side of the fence and can reflect back on the women I have known and know I could have done much worse easily. True perfection is awfully rare. Most never find it.

It seems to me this guy is not the right one as he takes you for granted. People don't change so don't expect that to happen. You need to accept them as they are, as they should accept you. If how they are is fine... then you have found what you seek.

Sunshine101 · Aug 16, 2007, 09:51 AM

Been doing this a little over 2 years. Not sure why I have hung on. About every other week I am ready to throw in the towel with this man. The way he banters, flirts and charms me always makes me crumble. He definitely turns me on and of course I want to have sex with him all the time. Been along time since I've felt this way for someone. He is the only one I've kept around the longest amount of time since my divorce. I love so much about him EXCEPT this way of maintaining a relationship. I know deep down that he has some serious issues about rejection and trust and I know this is why he won't let me totally "in". He has serious potential as a wonderful man except for these games. I make sure and tell him when he makes me feel bad and I also make sure and tell him when he does things right. I'm all about positive feedback to get positive results. Just can't figure out why he backslides Every time after we have sex.

smoothy · Aug 16, 2007, 10:56 AM

Well, he has shown his true colors... he isn't going to change. Why do you hang in there? Simple its called a comfort zone.. you know him and you have been intimate with him. Compared to the unknown that is comfortable and he is there.

He's not backsliding.. he's just returning back to the way he is. As I mentioned... people don't change their nature any more than a tiger can change its stripes.