[BEEN THERE]

You know it is a real shame that there are support groups for family members alchoholics or drug addicts but not for pedifiles. In fact, the shame of even being associated with someone that has done this deed keeps people from getting advise or the help that they need. It is quite possible that I am crazy as well as the other thousands of people that do still love the members of there family that have done this deed. I personally know a few only because they admitted to me about there brother, father, uncle etc.. After they found out about my ex. It was such a relief for them to talk about there mixed feelings about there loved ones to someone else without shame. But apparently we are all just to be hanged with family members. We are not the ones at fault. We are victims. And your hatred and abuse is why they don't ask for help and my even cause others to run from society and make bad decisions that could endanger children because There ill family members are the only ones they can talk to without scorn. If thinking about something is the same as acting on it and worthy of law officials being called, and people wishing they can jump through internet lines and hurt someone,how many of you would be in jail. My God have mercy on your souls.

[excon]

If thinking about something is the same as acting on it and worthy of law officials being called, and people wishing they can jump through internet lines and hurt someone, how many of you would be in jail.

Hello again, BEEN:

Well said.

excon

[BEEN THERE]

And why did I think there might be others on this site? Because of a question posed by a lady named Turnera1 a few days ago, only her kids are still at home. I told her to stay away but without slaming or hurting her the way others did. My heart went out to her realizing that she is still in the beginning of this and knowing what I went through. It is such an emotional thing that you don't know which end is up. I thought I could help myself and others by posting the question. How do you let someone back in your life? In my case time let the anger fade and a harmless genealogy project that we were working on together via the phone and internet became a daily ritual. Other than this I have had no contact just a feeling inuendos from him that he would like to and I was exploring my feelings on the subject when I ran across her question. My apologies to you all for existing.

[LearningAsIGo]

You know it is a real shame that there are support groups for family members alchoholics or drug addicts but not for pedifiles.

If you're interested:
Support for victims and families
Good luck to you

[GlindaofOz]

Been - What do you want us to say? None of us can imagine why you could forget. I get forgiving not forgetting.

My father was arrested for child pornography 7 years ago. He is not in my life nor will he ever be in my life. He of course thinks it no big deal because he hasn't done it since he was arrested. I cannot for the life of me understand why you would want to open your life up to this person when no one - not even my grandmother can open her life again to my father

[LearningAsIGo]

My point is that you are not finding other people who consider acting on those feelings. There are TONS of people here who've been through the same abuse you're familiar with.

My apologies to you all for existing.

That's harsh. You don't need to apologize for anything... no one thinks you shouldn't exist... that's ridiculous.
Please understand that this is a very sensitive topic that will incite a lot of fear, anger, resentment, sadness, etc. No "positive" feelings can really be found on this sort of topic I'm afraid.

[4answers]

[QUOTE=BEEN THERE]You know it is a real shame that there are support groups for family members alchoholics or drug addicts but not for pedifiles. In fact, the shame of even being associated with someone that has done this deed keeps people from getting advise or the help that they need. It is quite possible that I am crazy as well as the other thousands of people that do still love the members of there family that have done this deed. I personally know a few only because they admitted to me about there brother, father, uncle etc.. After they found out about my ex. It was such a relief for them to talk about there mixed feelings about there loved ones to someone else without shame.

100% agree there should be a support group.. It should go something like this, my father abused me and I am still trying to come to terms with it, evan though it was years ago. It still affects me today. By the way this is my mother at the support group to offer me help and support (oh I am sorry, correct that, this is my mother who does not really give a dam how this has affected me, ruined my life, but rather interested in her own desire to be with this person even though this will not only hurt me but any children I have and any children living close by. SHAME is not an issue, your sense of judgement is.


But apparently we are all just to be hanged with family members.

No just the ruineer of lives - the sick one who refusues to get help.


We are not the ones at fault. We are victims.

Yes 100% and my heart goes out for you and every victim SO WHY THE F*** WOULD YOU CONDONE THIS AND ACCEPT A MAN BACK IN YOU LIFE. IN YOUR BED AFTER HE HAS WANTED YOUR CHILD DAUGHTER !

And your hatred and abuse is why they don't ask for help

I and others have shown no hatred to any victim of abuse, nor have we shown any abuse. We are 100% here to help people who suffer NOT CONDONE AND ACCEPT abuse.


There ill family members are the only ones they can talk to without scorn.

This statement like all of your statements show that your judgement in this issue is impared. I am not qualified to assist you in the treatment of this. For whatever has been done in your past to allow you to think in this abnormal way, I am trully sorry. If I could resolve those issue for you I would give up all my time to do so.

However the fact remains that without disrespect to yourself for the journey that has been forced on you, your impared and incorrect assessment and judgment is an endagerment to children. This is our first and primary concern and should also be yours. Because it is not I have informed the operators of this site and the authorities to contact you.

Although you will not believe what I say, I trully wish you all the best on your journey and that you find love and happiness with a normal loving caring man so that you and your daughter can live a happy and fruitfull live.

Please take care and Please do not have anything to do with this man.

Best wishes, good luck

4 answers

[talaniman]

This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again.

Hello Been, I feel your dilemma, You did the absolute right thing to protect your children from this man and should be applauded as I know for a fact, given your own past, how hard it was. I can't change your feelings, but can only remind you of what you said about having him come back in your life and cause you even more misery than before, just by association. I think you would be well served to seek counseling, and save yourself anymore trauma, by moving on with your life without him in it. Get healthy and seek to be happy.

[BEEN THERE]

Thank you,Taliman for a well thought out and well written piece of advise. I think I already knew the right answer I was only confused for a short time but was egged on to defend why I was torn to those that seek to send authorities and pain upon me for asking a question!

[RubyPitbull]

No I don't need anyone's permission to feel something. But acting on it may hurt my daughter or my grandkids in the future in the future and I would never want to do that. I guess I was just looking for a sounding board so I could decide if it was worth the risk. I never expected it to be so one sided however. I assumed that since child molestation was so common that there would be others out there with my delimma.

Hello BEEN THERE.

Unfortunately, when you come to a free website with the problem that you are posing you are going to get anyone's and everyone's response. I think the gut reaction by some here is very understandable, especially if they have been subjected to abuse in one way or another. So, please excuse and try to ignore the abusive responses. Responding back to these responses, won't help you get the answer you are seeking.

Honey, I don't believe you are going to receive a response here from someone who has been in your shoes and took the guy back years later. Those are women who are in a very limited minority, and I am not aware of anyone here on this forum who has done so. I think you need to consider yourself for the answer you are seeking. Please don't rely on what someone else has done during their life. This really has to do with you and your relationship with your daughter. I know you feel love for the guy, but I think you have touched on something in this quote of yours which I pasted here in my response. Have you spoken to your daughter about how this would make her feel? If you have a close relationship with her, she may very well feel betrayed and hurt to the core, by your even considering this. You have to consider the very good possibility that if you get together with this man, you will have very limited contact with your daughter (if any at all), and you can definitely be assured of rarely seeing your grandchildren (if at all). So, do you think this man is worth that risk? Are you prepared to have your daughter possibly cut you out of her life and your grandchildren's lives? I know that as we get older, it can get lonely when everyone is grown and out of the house. But please, don't trade off the relationship with your daughter so that you can have a relationship with this man. I think that should be your priority in making such a decision. One of the things that you brought up is that so far, it isn't known if this man has done anything akin to what happened years ago since his release. You need to accept the research that has been done on this which is it really is very rare for a pedophile to change, even with years of counseling. They don't necessarily have intercourse with their victims. He might have touched another child inappropriately and just didn't get caught out. He won't tell you the truth. They never do. I think you really need to let this guy go. If you give this some hard thought, you will realize that if you get together with him, in the back of your mind you will always wonder if you see him carrying on a conversation with a child or teen, whether he is thinking about touching them. Not a comfortable way to live the remainder of your life, In my opinion. You need to find someone to fall in love with who you know beyond a shadow of a doubt is completely trustworthy when left with your grandchildren. For you to post your question on this forum, tells me that you aren't sure of that with this man. So, I think you know the answer to your question.

[J_9]

Dear BEEN,

I would like you to read this thread from a member who WAS molested as a child. It may help give you some perspective as far as how the feelings of the person molested works.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...son-74369.html

Now, I agree you did a very brave thing those many years ago and removed your child from the situation and reported it to the proper authorities. That in and of itself shows how strong of a person you can be.

I too wonder if you have discussed the possibility of resurrecting this relationship with your daughter. You said in one of your posts that you are the victims here. We have to wonder why you would want to place your grandchildren in that role and continue to be victimized as well. Putting your grandchildren at risk would be considered child endangerment.

For 4answers:

While I understand your feelings on this matter, we cannot report a crime that she is intending to commit. You see, she has not yet put the children at risk, she is only contemplating it at this point in time.

To ring the police and tell them that she is THINKING of committing child endangerment is actually laughable. If we were tried and convicted for every crime we ponder, many of us would be wasting away in the big house right now.

Now, please go read the thread I provided so you understand the feelings of the child who was molested. It may put an entire new spin on your thoughts and desires for this man.

[4answers]

Dear BEEN,

I would like you to read this thread from a member who WAS molested as a child. It may help give you some perspective as far as how the feelings of the person molested works.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...son-74369.html

Now, I agree you did a very brave thing those many years ago and removed your child from the situation and reported it to the proper authorities. That in and of itself shows how strong of a person you can be.

For 4answers:

While I understand your feelings on this matter, we cannot report a crime that she is intending to commit. You see, she has not yet put the children at risk, she is only contemplating it at this point in time.

To ring the police and tell them that she is THINKING of committing child endangerment is actually laughable. If we were tried and convicted for every crime we ponder, many of us would be wasting away in the big house right now.

.

To Been: We are all very proud that you did the right thing at the time, and fully know how hard that would have been. Remember you did this for a reason and the reason still stands.

Also remember that manipulative people can work their way back into our lives and play with our feelings and emotions. I do not know if that is the case or not. But something to be wary off.

I do not doubt for a minute that in your own mind if you were to take the person back that you would think you would not be committing child endagerment. But regretably you would be, it takes seconds to abuse a child and damage them for life. Can you really say you could watch out for this 24/7 and is that a relationship or a sentence.

The very fact of your past actions in doing the right thing indicates that you would be very mindfull of re offence. The reletionship you had with this man was destroyed by him, not you. If you take him back, it is a totally different relationship ! One were his past actions will always be on your mind and were it will have a negative effect on your familly.

You were like many people directly or inderectly a victim of child abuse. Not your fault and no blame on you, but do you not owe it to yourself to be in a normal loving relationship with a normal person.

I hope you make the right choice and remember we are here to help.

4 answers

[BEEN THERE]

Have you spoken to your daughter about how this would make her feel?

Unfortunately, yes. I wish I had come here first. We are very close and I do little without discussing it with her.
She actually said that she had forgiven him years ago. When I said she had had no contact with him that was only 90% accurate. She has run into him at her brothers Baptism, graduation, or other important events. Although he didn't sit anywhere near us. She knew he was there. Sometimes she is uncomfortable, other times not. You see victims have mixed feelings too. He was her stepfather and they were extremely close in her youth. The victims lose their loved ones on top of having trust issues and other issues. Through the years she has hated him, tolerated him, and been jealous of her brother for all the good that he got when she had gotten the bad. Experienced every emotion there is. It was unfair of me to ask. Of course she said she was fine with it, she just wants her mother to be happy and I am sure after thinking about it- she would have said that no matter what she really felt and like for me that could change tomorrow. It was a selfish move wanting to have her blessing and bringing the subject up. Children already have guilt complexes, thinking they are partially responsesible for breaking the family up, and I justed added fuel to the fire. You are all right a relationship could never be, but how do you just stop caring after 30years. It is not as easy as you all make it seem. Every person has good and bad in them and I have been there for the worst but also years of good not just since but before. And personally for me I am glad that I have always had my father in my life and that I wasn't told at an early age. And for my son, I am glad he got to know his father and NOT that the only thing he knew of him was that he was a child molester. How would that be on a persons subconscious. Always wondering if he was sick could you be too and thinking you were unloved because he never came to see you. I actually fought his visitation the first couple of years but it was explained to me by councilers that if supervised it was better for the child. I don't know how I could have done things any better

[J_9]

Unfortunately, you could not have done things any better. You did the best you could have.

Now, you are right in that your daughter wants to see her mother happy, so she will say what she thinks you want to hear.

Did you read the link I provided above? If not, it would be wise of you to do so as it shows the true feelings of the adult who was molested as a child.

How do you stop the feelings? You don't you can't. Yes, you experienced both good and bad. It is easier to hold on to the good and suppress the bad. But suppression is unhealthy. You must acknowledge (and I know you do) what he did and how he ruined your daughter's precious childhood.

Now, let me ask you this (all hypothetical of course)... If I came here asking what to do about an abusive husband... he beats me, threatens me with guns, rapes me when he wants sex, beats the children when they don't behave... what would you tell me to do? Would you tell me to stay? What if I told you I loved him... Would you tell me to stay? I would hope not.

You see, people like this (my hypothetical man as well as your ex) are master manipulators. They know how to push buttons to get what they want. We have to be strong enough and smart enough to know what they are doing.

I really hope you do not choose to remain a victim and put your grandchildren, precious cargo that they are, in harms way.

[4answers]

How do you stop the feelings? You don't you can't. Yes, you experienced both good and bad. It is easier to hold on to the good and suppress the bad. But suppression is unhealthy. You must acknowledge (and I know you do) what he did and how he ruined your daughter's precious childhood.

You see, people like this (my hypothetical man as well as your ex) are master manipulators. They know how to push buttons to get what they want. We have to be strong enough and smart enough to know what they are doing.

I really hope you do not choose to remain a victim and put your grandchildren, precious cargo that they are, in harms way.

I can't agree with this more !

For good people its very hard to understand and accept the evil in others, especially family members. I speak from personal experience of a manipulative parent. Not on the same scale as this but £9,000 worth of debt and a possible jail sentence for tax arrears. All down to the manipulation of a family member who I could not see as being bad. Because I didn't want to accept it ! But I had to in the end and now I see the person for their true nature and I am thankful that I stopped things when I did. Or I would have been locked up.

Once you final accept the true nature of the person, then you see through the manipulation and the discept.

[BEEN THERE]

No, I would not tell you to stay. But if 15 years later after much counceling and continued friendship with the man and a clean past, you said you wanted to try it again, and there was nobody to hurt but yourself. I would try to talk you out of it but support you decision. Unfortunately in my case there are still people that could get hurt.

Hense my next question:
If these people can never be allowed to go to church(kids) or a ballgame, or never buy a house, because someone can get a daycares license and make them move tomorrow, Never find decent employment, Never have friends or a girlfriend( Yes there is a law on the books that if you have more than two dates with someone you must tell them your offense. That is not enough time to get close so who would keep going out withone) what can their quality of life be? And if they are all so unchangeable and can not have a life anyway, why not just kill them when they are found guilty. (Of course in his case, he pled guilty)Yes it is a hypothetical, political question that nobody can answer. But although in my case you have convinced me not to do anything, I am still not convinced that all pedafiles are beyond redemption. My father is living proof that people can contol their actions even if you can not fix the mind.

[Dennis777]

Hello.

There is a lot of questions that needs to be asked before you can even think about a relationship with this Man. Some of them are how do your kids feel about him now, are you 110% sure he has not done this again, Are you sure your in Love or are you wanting what he took from you and don't see that. This is only a few questions that would have to be answered.

I honestly don't feel that a person can be cured of this but I don't know all the information so I'm not going to say he isn't.

Dennis777

[Dennis777]

Hello

You Said "People can control their actions even if they can't fix the mind..."

Your right you can't fix them and all it will take is a drink or something to set them off and then how do you deal with it this time. At least last time you didn't know what if its your grandchild or a little girl down the road.

[4answers]

Hense my next question:
If these people can never be allowed to go to church(kids) or a ballgame, or never buy a house, because someone can get a daycares license and make them move tomorrow, Never find decent employment, Never have friends or a girlfriend( Yes there is a law on the books that if you have more than two dates with someone you must tell them your offense. That is not enough time to get close so who would keep going out withone) what can their quality of life be? And if they are all so unchangeable and can not have a life anyway, why not just kill them when they are found guilty. (Of course in his case, he pled guilty)Yes it is a hypothetical, political question that nobody can answer. But although in my case you have convinced me not to do anything,

Do you believe in capital punishment ! You take a life you lose your life !
An abuser destroyes the lives of their victims, imo their lives deserve to also be destroyed. But I do not make the law, but what I will say for you to consider is that you have seen the responces to the abuse on here, you see the responce to abuse on tv and the vigilanti responce to this. If people around him no he is an abuse he to will be abused. Such is the nature of his crime. His actions, His choices, his sickness, his decision to be treated. No one elses. (a relationship is sharing - can you support him through this, does he deserve it !).


I am still not convinced that all pedafiles are beyond redemption. My father is living proof that people can contol their actions even if you can not fix the mind.

In my opinion I can't answer this question, I would disagree, but I am not in charge of treating this disorder. But I am prejudice against these people as most people are.

[RubyPitbull]

Unfortunately, you could not have done things any better. You did the best you could have.

My thoughts exactly. BT, you did everything right in protecting your daughter. You stood up for her. That is what a responsible mother does. It is a shame that what went on with his niece went on as long as it did. That poor girl was reaching out for love in the only way she knew how and he took advantage of it. Are you really so sure as to exactly what transpired between the two of them? The only people who really know the truth are the two of them. Have you had any contact with this girl and are you sure she would tell you the truth? Are you absolutely positive that he wasn't the one to make the move first? Who molested this girl originally prior to her coming to live with you both? That is what concerns me most about your ex. That is what is staying in the front of my mind. It wasn't just one time. It went on for a while, and he stepped it up by touching your daughter. You said that he "thought she would like it." A mature adult man who is only sexually attracted to adult women doesn't process his thoughts in that way. The thought of sex with a child would repulse him. I am sure that all of the men who have responded to this post of yours will agree with me on that point.

You still love him for the same reasons you originally fell in love with him. That is perfectly understandable. You will always have him in your life because you have a son together. So, due to that, you have never had the chance to sever ties with him. I bet if you didn't have your son, at the time this incident with your daughter occurred, you would have completely cut him out of your life. I think you need to revisit how completely betrayed he made you feel at that time in your life. Get that feeling back. I know people make mistakes and should be forgiven but your daughter will live with this for the rest of her life. His niece will live with it for the rest of her life. The damage is permanent.

Continue to have the cordial and friendly relationship you have with him for the sake of your son. But, you do need to leave it at that. Don't persuade yourself that because everyone is older now, there is a chance at happiness living with this man. His troubles and problems really are not your concern other than, as a friend, you can listen to him. If you choose to sympathize with him about his troubles, that is your choice. He chose his path in life. Yes, he is paying for it every day. He needs to figure out how to move forward on his own. As I said earlier, you wouldn't have posted if you didn't have your doubts, and you will always question his intentions when he is speaking or in the proximity of a young child. That is no way to for you to live or love.