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pukkabird · Aug 10, 2007, 08:17 AM

Hi
My boyfriend and I have had a rocky relationship, I got pregnant and when I told him he freaked out and didn't contact me again until the baby was a few months old, he then got back in touch and we started a relationship again, but he wasn't committed, didn't help with the baby, doesn't support me finacially, I work full time and he comes over about once a week if that, so I ended things for a while as I wasn't happy. Last week we decided to give things another try and he said he would be more committed and spend more time with me and baby, so this weekend we have arranged to spend the whole weekend together and planned to go away for the evening to the country. Now he has called and said he has been asked to go to the cricket instead with the lads and was asking my permission to go. What do I say to that? I told him to do whatever is important to him, so he said he would still spend the weekend with me but didn't sound happy about it. But why didn't he just tell his friend he had plans already and not even mention it! Am I wasting my time?

Haplo · Aug 10, 2007, 08:25 AM

I think your last question sums it up nicely... why are you wasting your time?

LearningAsIGo · Aug 10, 2007, 08:28 AM

Am I wasting my time?

I think you are. It shouldn't take this much work to involve the father of your child in your lives. It sounds like he isn't ready for any type of commitment what-so-ever.

I would stop trying to have a relationship [as a couple] and talk with him about being there more for your baby. As for yourself, move on and make a happy life for your child to grow up in. :)

Good luck!

nicespringgirl · Aug 10, 2007, 10:44 AM

How old are you both please?

Chery · Aug 10, 2007, 11:09 AM

I would sit down and ask him directly what his future plans are and where his child comes into the picture.
If you both are still pretty young he might be frightened about a commitment.
He might not know how to handle this new addition to his life, but still might feel he wants to be a part of it. Apparently he is not totally turned off to the idea of being a father, or else he would not have made the step to see the baby. Most young men don't know the slightest of how they fit into a 'father' role.
You do need to ask him, without pressure on either of you. This is new territory for the both of you, so you also might seek help from those around you who have been there - they can share some experience and make it not so frightening.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

talaniman · Aug 10, 2007, 11:25 AM

For this or any relationship to work you must both work together to build a level of communication where the roles are clearly defined and the goals to build a happy life. You have to realise this takes a lot of willingness to work hard together. Talking and listening and not arguing and reacting is important. You both sound young and inexperienced, so patients is also a big key in establishing honest communications with each other.

pukkabird · Aug 10, 2007, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by nicespringgirl

How old are you both please?

My boyfriend is 33 and I am 35, we are not younsters, I also have a teenage son who I bought up on my own, I didn't expect my boyfriend to react so badly to commitment and fatherhood.

nicespringgirl · Aug 10, 2007, 11:57 AM

U have tolerated so much, I think he needs some help!
It's good for you both sit down have an in deepth conversation and I advice you do this before the weekend he is going out with his friends.

pukkabird · Aug 10, 2007, 11:58 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

For this or any relationship to work you must both work together to build a level of communication where the roles are clearly defined and the goals to build a happy life. You have to realise this takes a lot of willingness to work hard together. Talking and listening and not arguing and reacting is important. You both sound young and inexperienced, so patients is also a big key in establishing honest communications with each other.

Oh dear, at 35 I am not young or inexperienced, I'm well educated, have a successful career as a computer analyst, own my own home and have already bought up one child. However my boyfriend still lives with his mother and is unemployed trying to build up a business at the moment.

nicespringgirl · Aug 10, 2007, 12:04 PM

You definitely deserve a better man,you have a lot more options but he doesn't!
I am surprised you have fallen in love with someone like that for such a long time...

s_cianci · Aug 10, 2007, 12:04 PM

He needs to set his priorities straight. He'll make his own decisions. He might not make them the way you'd like him to but you'll know where you stand one way or the other. What's important right now is what's best for your child. If necessary, take him to court to get the financial support you're entitled to on behalf of your child. When push comes to shove, that's all you can really compel him to do. If he's not going to be motivated to be an active part of your's and the child's lives, then you're better off without him.

Dennis777 · Aug 10, 2007, 12:07 PM

Hello.

Sending you a Great Big Hug...

He isn't going to change and you know it. You need to show him the door and if he gets his Sh** together in the future for his baby's sake great if not then he can stay away.

You're a special Lady and should be and will be treated like that. Just relax and give your Love to the kids who need it and will give you Love back. In time Mr. Right will show up but until then you know your strong and will get along just fine.

Good Luck
Dennis777

s_cianci · Aug 10, 2007, 12:07 PM

Originally Posted by pukkabird

Oh dear, at 35 i am not young or inexperienced, im well educated, have a successful career as a computer analyst, own my own home and have already bought up one child. However my boyfriend still lives with his mother and is unemployed trying to build up a business at the moment.

And you expect him to be motivated and able to bring up a child? Certainly he ought to do what he can but given the fact that you're far more established financially than he is, the onus of raising this child is going to fall on you, right or wrong.

pukkabird · Aug 10, 2007, 12:16 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

And you expect him to be motivated and able to bring up a child? Certainly he ought to do what he can but given the fact that you're far more established financially than he is, the onus of raising this child is going to fall on you, right or wrong.

Yes I would expect him to be motivated and bring up a child, at 33 I would have expected him to be mature enough to face up to his responsibilities, the fact that I'm far more established doest mean he should get away with it, he is letting me do all the work because it is easier for him. Thanks for all of you comments, at least now I know I'm not just paranoid and neurotic.