[RockDownVN]

Hello, before I define the question exactly, let me give all the background information so that you the readers have all the comprehensive information you need to give a informed response.

My husband of eight years had treated me very poorly in the final two years. He routinely cheated on me, and verbally put me down in front of our two children often. When I caught him red handed cheating on me with prostitutes while letting basic utilities get shot off, I knew I could not longer put up with him for my children's sake. I informed the local police (I was living in PA at the time) that I was going to leave for my homes state of WA with the children without informing my Husband for fear that he may stop me or do worse. They understood what I was doing and gave me my blessing. Without telling my husband I left for WA with the children in November of 2005.

By January of 2006, I had a court order from PA that demanded I returned with the kids. There is a federal law that states the court of jurisdiction on matters of child custody is the state in which the children have resided in for over four months. I had little money, a job that I could not leave, I had no choice and I returned the children to him. I signed a custody agreement that allowed me to see the children every summer, every other March break, and every other Christmas.

When the time came for the first summer of 2006, he flat out refused to allow me to see the kids. He cited that he feared that I would 'kidnap the kids'. At the time, I did not have a lawyer where he claimed to have one and therefore he tricked me into believing he was in the legal right (I later received a letter from his lawyer stating that he dropped my husband as client due to none payment). It was in this summer that I found out that the girlfriend that he had moved in to raise the children back in January of 2006 was none other then one of the prostitutes he was cheating (I have tons of documented proof on this as well as confessions from his former best friend).

I hired a lawyer in February of 2007 to ensure that my visitation for the coming summer was not obstructed. I discussed with him about all the things they were doing and that if I were on the grounds of becoming the primary parent. Points of interest include:

Between January of 2007 to August of 2008, he has had the elder son enrolled in six different schools. They had moved to seven different homes in five different states.

The fact that the step-mother was a prostitute and before that a porn star.

The fact that the younger son failed kindergarten.

The fact that the older son had not gained a single pants size in over a year and a half (he was 8 years old at the time in January of 2006).

Despite all of this, the lawyer informed me that it would be difficult to assume custody because it would be required to be made into a case. If a case in court was brought, then he would certainly loose. But the judge must first grant it to become a case and it would be difficult as my husband constantly moves from State to State making it incredibly difficult to determine which state has jurisdiction.

Now to my question, despite his lies to me, I have found out from my children during my visitation and had it confirmed from many other sources that he is in fact rejoined the Military and is now stationed in Fort Polk Louisiana awaiting deployment. While the custody agreement is complete and enforcable, the Divorce was never finalized and technically me and him are still married. The children have voiced to me that they do not enjoy moving all the time and at times they fear there step mother.

Is it possible for me to become the primary parent before or during his deployment? What steps must I take? Please note that he has only been in Louisiana for 2 weeks, and before that he was in Utah for three months, and before that he was in Florida for three months.

I thank you all for your time in reading this… I look forward to all your responses.

Most cordially…

A concerned mother of two.

[Mary Surette]

Why don't you have joint custody? Why are you only allowed the visitation you cited? How was he able to take primary custody from you?


I don't understand how he could have taken the kids from you as you are their mother and they were with you when you left the state.

Also, in order to change the custody arrangement, which I don't know what it is, you would have to prove endangerment of some type -- use of drugs, imminent danger. You could try to argue for supervised visitation for yourself. But I believe you first need to have some type of equal custody stand before you could argue for primary custody as a primary conservator.

[RockDownVN]

Basically, when I arrived in Washington, my free lawyer there suggested that I file a restraining order against him, and that this order can be lifted once all legal matters where taken care of. While I filed for primary custody in Washington, he in turned filed for it in Pennsylvania. While the Washington court did everything in there power to maintain jurisdiction, through the federal law mentioned in my first post, the PA court had jurisdiction therefore nullifying anything the WA court did to that point.

The PA judge sent a court order demanding that I return with the children and go to court there. I had no family in PA, my finances were limited, I just started a job and had just gotten house when all of this came to be. Not to mention he threatened to charge me with kidnapping which I later learned from my lawyer now that he would not be entitled to.

In essence, I made a terrible mistake and I gave into his demands out of fear. There is not a moment that goes by where I am irked by having done this but the PA courts gave me little choice. The silly thing about this federal law is its supposed to protect the abused from the abusers, yet when do abusers ever flee their homes?

My husband is a very controlling person, he does not hesitate to use my children as a weapon against me. I know that sounds malice, but he had no reason to not let me see the kids in the summer of 2006 as by the custody agreement we had in effect. I later learned that had I had a lawyer then, I could have filed a contempt of court against him which would have given me a more favorable agreement.

To Mary, I thank you for your post and time in reading this, I hope that answers your question. My lawyer said the same thing as you did that the children must be in some form of danger in order for him to loose primary. Call me silly, I always thought that living with a prostitute was a dangerous life style but the court does not see it that way.

My hope is the fact that we are still married, and soon he will be out of the children's lives for a period of 9 months and be leaving them to a women who has no legal claim to them.

Again, thank you for your time in reading this… (Thanks again Mary)

[Mary Surette]

Rock Down,

So, honey, what is the custody agreement? Is he the primary conservator with sole custody?

Did you have an attorney at PA?

I would hire an attorney and seek joint custody. You can find an attorney who will take a payment plan. You need to right now document the times he has denied you visitation (a journal) and try to get a tape recorder to tape him on the phone as to his demeanor and your concerns as a parent. You can even have him admit to your denied visitation.

It does not matter that you don't have the money for a lawyer, you need to get money from someone to hire an attorey and "jumpstart" a change in your custody agreement. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be for you to change this situation.

You cannot be intimidated by this man. I have gone through two custody suits, 7 lawyers and spent about $ 20, 000 for both marriages and custody suits.

I have learned that you need to make the right choices when it comes to men and believe in yourself and your ability to be self sufficient and independent.

[RockDownVN]

Thank you so much Mary, your words are truly inspiring. To answer your question, yes I do have a lawyer in PA. And I have a recording of a heated argument me and him had gotten into over the phone where he made a statement that “Your not going to see the kids this summer… if I had my way… you would never see the kids you low life $$$$$”.

I also routinely keep a diary where I make an entry or two every week for the last year and a half.

The difficulty is getting him in the right state. You see, my lawyer in PA advises me that attacking him in PA will amount to little as he could simply file in whatever state he is living in. And because he lives in each state for such a short period, if I were to serve him in one state, he could simply move to another and the Federal law that worked to his advantage the first time would be useless.

I wrought that this man could actually in trust the welfare of our children in the hands of a prostitute. Worse yet, the prostitute has the nerve to make my kids call her mommy and call ME the step-mom.

As for your question as to what specific custody agreement it is, I am afraid I am not to fluent on legal terminology. I am going through my paper work tonight and will be sure to leave a response to that question.

Again Mary, I thank you so much for all the comments you have made. It’s nice to know that there are people out there who still care.

Thanks again…

[Mary Surette]

You are so welcome, take care. Mary