[Ash123]

How to Break up 101 (FOR THE BREAKER)
(An organized guide for an imperfect world)

I created this to help the "other" folks who also are facing a life dilemma.
Use as you see fit.

Psychological Note:
To Break is to feel guilt, regret and anxiety - and ultimately (we hope) relief
To be the breakee is to feel pain, self-doubt and wanting - - and ultimately (we hope) relief
(These are normal. So, pick your poison.)

How to Break Up

1. Talk first.

Address the issues that are bothering you.

2. Listen.

See if the other party has something to say about your concerns. See if you have been listening yourself... Sometimes we assume people can read our minds.

3. Decide.

If you are with someone that you do not think you can spend a lifetime with - then at some point you will separate. And if you do decide to be joined in holy matrimony the odds are 50/50 you will break-up then (sorry). So, do your homework and be true to yourself. If you came from a dysfunctional background it is more likely that you are headed for the broken 50% if you seek companionship with those that will not enhance your life.

SO, once you have decided you are not mentally, sexually, philosophically the same... It is time to deliver the news. The SOONER the BETTER.

(Once 1-3 have been explored, carefully consider your move to 4)

4. Time is of the essence.

Don't fool yourself into waiting and thinking there is such a thing as a "good time to break up". Waiting hurts you and them, ultimately.

*(ONE EXCEPTION: If we know our partner is moving away, we can last a few extra months and let the move and the geography allow for a motive for a break.)

It will inevitably fall on or near a: birthday, anniversary, holiday or planned event. It's the karmic way of the world. Why not delay? Well, there are couples that stay married for decades and divorce after they: have kids, kids go to college, one gets a career, one has an affair - even though they were not compatible from day 1 or day... 101. WHY?
As the song goes: "Breaking up is hard to do..." It changes our lives and our mindset. So, we wait for a good time... And well, there is no such thing.

Please note: If you are married with kids, start opening up the lines of communication. ASAP. Seek marriage counseling. Take time for couples time/weekends/dinners, frank talks, and carve out breathers in the speeding train of life and kids growing older. You may salvage your relationship. If you've tried honest talk and voiced all concerns you are being true to your significant other and you can feel better about your relationship if you must end it. An affair to save your kids from divorce or your spouse from changing will not solve a problem - but just displace it and it will come back in a new way most likely.

5. Where do you deliver the news?

Where? In person. Preferably not in a public place. Your home, or if that is too awkward, their home. And if that is too awkward. A place where you can have a long talk and a hug. A park, a large gathering place...
If you anticipate yelling and violence - then the phone is OK. But it is not classy otherwise. And an email or a text mssg. Is pretty low end... But hey, whatever gets you to #6.

6. What to say

This cannot be scripted, but being too personal in most cases is not be necessary. And know that no words will ever be 100% well received.

Still, if you have are confident and communicate well with your partner, trying to be honest and forthright is important... as you may help both of you should you ever get back together and even more - help your new-ex for a future relationship by telling them some things that might help them: For example: "Throwing firecrackers in my parakeet's cage is not a turn on...etc."

Note: Honesty is good, but be sensitive to your lover's feelings and do not deliver more than they can take - if at all.

A good break up would be a statement of fact about where you all in your respective lives today. A statement of fact about the need for you both to benefit by a mutually agreed upon change in some way. And saying you have no plans to seek out anyone else. You simply consider this to be what this relationship needs - a break (if you wish to try again at a set time) or an end (if you think you cannot be what they would most benefit from in the long term... ")

7. What to do afterwards

You will be the bad guy, so just accept it. You will also be an object of renewed affection,
Or renewed anger... Your job is to focus on your life and not send mixed signals...
You may receive calls, texts, IM's, E-mails, visits and flowers and well, worse. You can politely respond if you feel comfortable... But never be too personal and always be consistent and not too wordy and NEVER give the breakee the thought that there will be a future - unless you think there is a very good chance there will be.

8. Breakers need to heal too

While the breakee is usually sad, tired and depressed (and filling up threads on AskMeHelpDesk :-) the breaker needs to heal too. You have walked away from someone you care about - and have created tension you wish would go away.
To begin healing do what breakees do: Go to the gym, start a routine, go on a trip, get good friends around - and think of the future. Do not jump to another relationship until you are ready. The new person in your life will get dropped faster than plutonium if you date too soon. And you will be back to #1 fast. Wait at least a month for every year you went out as a rough barometer - but basically, just date when you can do it with an open heart.

Note: If you were in an abusive relationship please seek some session of professional counseling to ensure you heal properly and your next relationship will be more healthy. If you don't you may repeat the behavior without even realizing it.

9. What if I regret my decision?

If it's for more than just... sex. CALL THEM. But only if you are more committed and more ready to address the issues that brought you to a halt the first-time. Or you re being selfish and unfair... Explain what you have been thinking and what you did wrong in judging the relationship. If they rebuff you (often for pride) just make it clear you are there, should they want to talk... wherever they wish. Whenever they want.

10. What if I am just too scared to break up?

Join the club. Great people take on adversity and go forward. That's what makes them great. Being mediocre is easy. But life is short, and living with regret is actually even worse than living in fear.

Note: If you are afraid to break-up because...you love someone and are not sure it is a good decision then TALK to THEM!
a) COMMUNICATION
b) TRUST
AND
c) RESPECT are the keys to human interaction and functional survival. If this is still possible work on it, if it is not possible, then well, you may need to head to#1.

Here's to peace and sanity....wherever you find them.

[s_cianci]

This is very good and very wise advice.

[Ash123]

This is very good and very wise advice.

Thanks, I often wonder if people read these things, but hope can help someone...

[Geoffersonairplane]

Interesting advice which takes account of the dumper's standpoint.