[ampersandra]

I've been thinking about this for the past week. Some parts of it are clearer to me, but other parts aren't so clear.

The backstory is that I already have a boyfriend and we've been together for quite a few years. It's a long distance relationship that we're both serious about. We're both open to discuss sensitive issues... well, for the most part. And we both do try hard to understand each other and compromise where necessary. That said, we've had to compromise A LOT because of different interests, and even more important things like family values and religion.

Thing is, I also have a friend I've known for roughly a year and we've become close. It's always been a platonic relationship until recently, when he got extremely stressed with his thesis. I've known him to occasionally have panic attacks and such so I was honest-to-god worried about him. I spent more time with him to encourage him and whatnot. We also had our usual old discussions about this and that... one of the topics were relationships. At one point, he complained about his ex and said that he'd be much happier with someone like me. Now, I didn't really think much of it at first since he's said similar things before. But there was something different about the way he looked at me when he said it that made me feel awkward. It was around 3am when this discussion happened so I thought I was tired and just imagining things.

The next night confirmed otherwise. It was the day before his deadline so I stayed up with him, just to give him more encouragement, fix him some tea, proofread his work, etc. He flirted with me more blatantly and I find myself actually responding back. Now, we're both very reserved people and almost never flirt. He's never flirted with me before and I'm not flirty unless I feel a real attraction to someone, so this was really weird. One hour before his deadline, he's finished everything and asked me if I'd join him for brunch after he's handed it in. I didn't say much since I was dead tired by then. I fell asleep on his couch in the living room. I noticed he placed a blanket on me when I woke up and a note on the coffee table saying I should call him if I get bored on my trip (I forgot to mention, I had packed everything with me before spending the night at his place because I was supposed to play "tour guide" to my cousins who came to visit me.) I haven't called him yet, and I kind of doubt I will until everything's clear in my mind.

So here are the things I've established after quite a few days of thinking:
- The attraction between my friend and me is mutual.
- We both pretty much have the same interests and goals in life.
- If we were to start from scratch where my current boyfriend, my friend and I were single, I'd definitely choose my friend over my boyfriend.
- I still respect my boyfriend and even look up to him because of his honesty and sincerity. He deserves me being completely honest and considerate to him regardless of what happens.

So here's the crucial question of the moment:
WHEN do I spill the beans to my boyfriend?

Keep in mind that this is a long distance relationship. He'll be returning here in a week, which is roughly the same time when I get let go by my cousins. This means that our only means of communication at the moment is either by phone or online. After next week, we will finally be seeing each other face to face.

Do you think I should tell him sooner over the phone (preferrably not online, but it depends on timezones and who's sleeping)?
PROS: We'll have more time to think through things after the chat.
CONS: Honestly, how sincere is talking about an issue like this on the phone or online?

Or do you think I should tell him when we meet face to face?
PROS: It's more sincere and we'd both have a better idea of each other's reactions.
CONS: It leaves less time for us to think things through before I return home and resume face to face contact with my friend.

The main purpose of talking to my boyfriend at this time is to tell him about the situation completely and honestly, and to see what action to take from there. We've had fights related to other stuff before, but it's always been handled relatively civilly. It's not like either one of us is going to break bottles or anything.

[tkdgal]

First of all, I'd like to congragulate you on all of the previous thinking you've done before posting this message. It shows that you aware and thoughtful of both your boyfriend and close friend, and that kind of personality will automatically make whatever happens go much smoother :) . This is an extremely tough decision to make, but my advice is to take things as slowly as they can possibly go. Whenever you talk to your boyfriend on the phone or online before his arrival, be very polite, but make subtle hints about the breakup. This gives him time to think about what you're saying, and maybe even figure out what's coming ahead before he sees you. The face-to-face confrontation will be less tense this way. I would make the full breakup, however, when you see him face-to-face. You're right about he sincerity. Things as serious as this cannot be done by simply hearing someone's voice. When you "spill the beans", be completely honest about everything. Make sure you speak in a voice that is calm and soothing, and don't use any threatening hand gestures. From what you've described your relationship as from above, I'm sure you weren't even thinking about doing any of those things, anyway. If you still really care about your soon to be ex, suggest being really close friends. I suppose it kind of like switching the roles; your close friend becomes your boyfriend, and your boyfriend becomes your close friend. Although you don't share all of the same interests and lifestyles, having him around to give advice in tough situations or just simply be there for you sometimes is always a wonderful thing. You never know, your boyfriend may be feeling the same way about the relationship as you have, and you both might be happy to get out. If you're still in your early adult years, remember you have several, several years to find the perfect one. Never feel rushed about love. Take your time and be patient in your search. A couple of falls along the way won't change a thing! Good luck, and hope my advice helped :)!

[phillysteakandcheese]

I think that after all this time, your boyfriend deserves to be told face to face that your feelings for him have changed and you want to move on.

Having said that - Are you sure the grass is truly greener on the other side?

Based on what you've said, it sure didn't take much for you to be ready to drop your boyfriend. To me, that means you two were drifting apart.

I hope you know your other friend well enough to be sure that he does want a significant relationship with you, not just "stress relief" using you.

[talaniman]

I still respect my boyfriend and even look up to him because of his honesty and sincerity. He deserves me being completely honest and considerate to him regardless of what happens.

So he should know how you feel, face to face, ASAP. This will give you time to figure what you honestly want.

[s_cianci]

The decent and honest thing would be to tell him face-to-face. It's inevitably going to hurt some, but there's just no way around that ; that would happen regardless of when and how you told him, so do the decent thing and be direct and forthright.

[Ash123]

"I've known him to occasionally have panic attacks and such so I was honest-to-god worried about him. I spent more time with him to encourage him and whatnot. We also had our usual old discussions about this and that...."

First, are you OK dating a guy who has panic attacks?

Maybe give yourself a day on that one.

Next, it is safe to say that your current Bfriend is not going to pan out for you in the long run... I would consider reading this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...de-116834.html

And then, I would deliver the news. I am not sure WHAT the rush is with the study buddy. But, if I was your BF I'd appreciate a civil parting... You can jump on study guy's three ring binder one day down the line if he still does it for you in daylight hours, and you can continue chats and life a few weeks/months down the line...

Anyway, that's the sanest way to go - and I applaud you for even having a safe/sane option at this point (do you still?? )

Good luck

A