[Depressed in MO]

I am 25 years old and have had many mishaps with my mother, but I always knew deep down in my heart that she was my best friend. My mother has always been there for me and continues to be there for me. I was not perfect to my mother, but I was always taught to respect her.
I feel for you because of the way your daughter treats you. Sometimes it does take a dramatic event for someone to realize what they really have, but not always. God works in mysterious ways (not sure of your beliefs). Just keep faith and continue to be there for your daughter. Sometimes tough love is the answer, but only you know in your heart what you really need to do. I have two daughters now and I worry about these things all the time and they are just babies! Sometimes just having friends outside of your family can help for continuing support.

[hvezda]

How can it be, that my own daughter hates me? I know nobody knows me, but I was always loving mom to her, spend lots of time with her, adored her, I figured now that I am 65 I am going to have friend in her, but I have a feeling that if I needed cup of water, she would not bring it... what went wrong?

[erin3]

It sounds like she is just very self absorbed at this point. Hopefully she will grow out of it. I don't think you have done anything wrong. People are who they are. She is an adult now and is going to act how she wants. The important thing for you is to find a way to either get into a lower stress job or find ways of managing it better. When your health is under control you then need to do something fun for yourself and worry less about her. Maybe she feels suffocated by your constant need for her attention?

[fredg]

Hi,
I am 64 yrs old, married 29 years, have 3 grown children who have since moved away for better jobs. One of them now has a family of her own, with an 8 yr old grandson... lives about a 4 hr drive away.
Our two "boys", now 35 and 36 live from 1000 miles to 800 miles away, and we never see them anymore.
It's sad, but things like this do happen. Our daughter really cares, and we visit each other every couple of months. Our two "boys" could care less.
At 25, your daughter may have some "growing up" to do. Meaning, she is so tied up in her own life, that she doesn't want to make time for you now.
The only thing I can suggest is just to be there for her. Hopefully, she will begin to know just how much you really mean to her.
Meantime, I would try to not worry about it. I know that's hard. I do hope you get better, feel better, and please try not to worry. You have done all you can, she is grown, and now, it's up to her.

[hvezda]

While ago I wrote in here about my daughter, who is cold and unresponsive to me. She used to live in another city, but now moved back and due to the hard time finding an accommodation, she came to live back with us. She is 25 years old, University graduate, has very good job. Since she is the only child we didn't ask her for any rent money, or food money, I am retired and my husband is about to retire. Her and I don't see eye to eye and I don't know where hare have I gone wrong. I have been depressed lately and can't snap out of it and the situation is not helping matters. My husband drinks and refuses to seek help. My daughter doesn't want to spend any time with me at all, when she is at home, she locks herself in her bedroom and doesn't want to communicate. Today she had a day off and she was gone all day, came home in the afternoon and I asked her if she would like to have cup of coffee with me and she said no and left and I know she didin;t have any other commitments. I hate to beg her, but sometimes I feel so lonely I could use company, if even for ten minutes, am I asking too much, why can't she see that herself? If she does, why doesn't she care?

[Krs]

Hello there :)

I am 27 years old. I moved away from home at the age of 19 and now I'm back at mums because I'm doing up my new apartment and so to speak to save rent money I moved in with mum.

At first, we couldn't really see eye to eye, mum had her rules, and I felt to indepedant to live up to them.

As the weeks went by though, I did realise I'm living in her house, under her rules, so I learnt to abide by them, although I'm 27.

My father is deceased, and mum lives on a widow's pension, which believe me isn't a lot, OK she has no mortgage to pay, but I do have a younger brother who still lives at home with mum and doesn't work.

Before I moved back in we made an agreement that instead of giving her rent, because even she felt silly about asking her daughter for rent money, we would go halfs on the food shopping.

So basically what I'm saying is, that your daughter should respect you, you are her mum, and living back in her house, she shouldn't take you for granted. She should be mature enough to understand this!
Speak to her.

[aqua@home]

Hi, you do sound very lonely. I don't think it's that your daughter doesn't care, I simply think she is young and busy. At that age, we can be busy doing nothing. I wouldn't take it personal, I think it's pretty normal for her age.

It sounds to me like you need to get out more. You are retired and are obviously in need of some company. Why don't you join a group, learn to do something new? Take up swimming, dancing, a book club, anything or even volunteer somewhere. Most communities offer things like this. Get out and keep yourself busy. If you are depressed that much, maybe counselling should be looked at. I hope you feel better soon.

I hope that helped somewhat.

[talaniman]

First see a doctor for a check up and I really like what aqua@home posted it sounds as if your depending on everyone else to give you a life. That would depress me too. I'm also retired as is my wife and it is a big world with a whole lot to do and get into and I would hope that since you have a lot of time on your hands do the things you enjoy.

[Krs]

I totally agree with Tal and aqua. What they say is true.
But I also believe that your daughter is not helping matters, it could be initial factor of why you are feeling like this.
Every mum wants to get on with her daughter and if her daughter was mature enough and would see how depressed her mum is would should be more available with her, i.e have dinner together, go out for coffee's and have mum and daughter chats. Every mum wants that with their grown daughter.

[K_3]

Your daughters behavior is wrong. It sounds like there is more going on with you than just that. You say your husband has a drinking problem and will not do anything about it. You are living with 2 people that are not caring about your feelings. You need to take some action to make yourself feel good. Find an al-anon program in your area and go. Look up alcohol on the net and read some about it, it may make you feel better to see others have the same feelings as you. I think if you and your husband had a life you would not need your daughter so much. You need to get out and do things with friends.
Tal said see a doctor, do that. Try to find a healthy outlet to meet friends and make a social life for yourself. Your daughter will be leaving again and you will need it even if she were good to you. Good luck, it is hard when you feel your child and husband do not care, and they are the closest people in the world to you and you would do anything for them.

[hvezda]

I am a senior who is very depressed and I am finding it hard to cope with, 65 years old, fairly good health. I used to take Ativan for anxiety, but I don't want to take it anymore, because it's highly addictive. I have a husband, who is introvert and has a drinking problem ( I am an extrovert), daughter who is 25 and doesn't really care about us, lives at home, but doesn't communicate with us. She never wants to talk with me, spend time with me and I find it very hard. Ever since I got depressed it got worst, she just says it is all in my head, basically that I am crazy and I think that her approach is making me feel even worst. I pulled back into my shell and became really recluse, which I never was before. I was always an outgoing person, who loved fun and had tons of friends.
When I was working I was always on the go, now I find it hard to get up and cook something, I don't enjoy being with friends, can't concentrate on reading (which I used to love). I long for someone to come and say I love you and I care about you, I long for kiss and embrace... but it will not happen. It feels like the purpose of my life is gone and I don't have anything to live for! What is happening with me? Is it the shock of retirement? Is it the realization that I am getting old and there is nothing to look forward to?

[aqua@home]

Hvezda, it looks to me like you have had this problem for a while (Aug '05). Maybe it is time to get some counselling. I hope you find what you are looking for.

[cromptondot]

I agree,you should seek counseling.There is help out there.

[valinors_sorrow]

I think I see a big problem getting glossed over... have you tried attending Al-Anon meetings since you would certainly qualify? It's a fellowship for friends and family members of alcoholics or people who have a drinking problem. It just may be the exit door to your depression and lonliness.

[cromptondot]

I have worked with senior citizens for many years,but by no means am I an expert,but I do have lots of experience. As we get older,lots of times our whole existence changes.May be health problems, losing loved ones,etc. It is usually a gradual decline,unless one has mentally prepared for it earlier.When it does happen,it is hard to accept for most people. Trying to not isolate oneself,is a key factor in keeping mentally healthy. Getting some counseling to help with the alcohol can be the first. You will meet people at the meetings whom you can have something in common with,then you can develop more relationships,There are people who care,and are willing to help.They just need to know. We can't help if we don't know of the need. Pick up the phone.This site is a wonderful starting place.

[Amythest]

I hope you have goten counseling. It sounds like your love language may be verbal and quality time. There is a book called the 5 love languages, maybe if you can bring yourself to it read it with you spouse. It can help . Al anon helped me out a lot, also pluggin yourself into a local church or community like program can help. Maybe try out some new hobbies.

[valinors_sorrow]

Many lovely suggestions here... I hope the OP sees them?

[talaniman]

Retirement can be a wake up call as the routine of life changes dramatically. Since you seem to have a lot of time on your hands volunteering to help others through church organizations and local community groups is an excellent way to meet new people and feel like your doing something positive. Don't isolate yourself and waste all that talent and experience you have. Give it to someone who needs it.

[SINGLE4]

I definitely agree with the other posts here that you need to find hobbies or volunteering somewhere!

First of all... your daughter should be ashamed of herself! I am 31 years old and went through a divorce at 26 and my parents tried talking me into living with them! Bottom line is... I moved out at 18 to go to college... I am an adult... I wasn't about to move back in with mom and dad! And of course you are going to "butt heads"... she is old enough and you said that she has a good job! She needs to find an apartment or house! You don't see her that much anyway!

My mom and I are not close but I always make time (I only live 12 miles from my parents) to visit them! I see them at least twice a week! They are my parents and as I see it... they wouldn't be around for ever and I want to spend time with them because I love them! They gave me life!

Please keep us posted!

[mysticque]

Are you a doctor somehow?