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hvezda · Aug 3, 2005, 07:16 AM

I have a heartache, which is my daughter. She was the only child and now is 25 years old. Two years ago she went away to University, which she has now finished and came back home. She does not help with anything, expects everything. My husband has history of depression and alcoholism. Lately as he is getting older is worst, he either drinks, or sits depressed and I just can't take it anymore. My daughter never lacked anything, always was provided for and I love her more than anything in the world. But she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I invite her for supper and there is silence through whole meal at the end "thank you!" I need someone to talk to, last night I sat down with her and told her, that she must know what situztion I am in and how lonely I get with no one to talk to and she said: "you have a husband", which she knows the situation. She told me that I am not going to put her on any guilt trips and that she will not be my friend, because I am her mother, I don't get it. I often sit in the kitchen by the cage of my bird and cry my eyes out and she is locked in her bedroom. She goes to church every Sunday, but I am not sure what she got from that, after all, when someone asks for helping hand, you will not cast stones at them. I just don't understand how can she have such cruel heart. Don't get me wrong I am not demanding at all I have busy job, but sometimes I want her to talk to me, am I asking too much? I am to the point where I don't want to cry any more tears for her and just forget about our relationship, but I can't and I end up suffering again and again, hoping every time, that her heart will change. I am 65 years old and as the time goes by I realize how cheated I am of close relationship with her. She never asked me to go to college with her on first day, she never asked me to drive her to her first out of town job interview and it hurts, like no one would believe. I can't talk to my husband about it for the above reasons, so I keep it all inside.
When I came back from my holidays this year, she was throwing away some of my stuff and she told me that she has to start cleaning up here, because when I go to the Nursing home it would be too much for her, then she tells me that it was just a joke. I told her that it was a sick joke, that was aimed right at my heart and I will never forget it as long as I live. I also told her that's how old people get abused. I am enjoying excellent health and hope I don't ever have to rely on her in my old age. Please tell me someone does this sound like a joke to anybody?
What have I done wrong?

lickemlolly · Aug 3, 2005, 08:39 AM

Have you tried asking your daughter why she won't talk to you? I have the same kind of rship with my dad.. not really as bad but he always wants me to talk to him and I don't like to.. I feel like he is pressuring me to do something that I don't want to do... given the fact that me and my dad were never very close... maybe she has some things going on in her life... there is really no way to MAKE her talk to you but you can ask her why she doesn't and see what she says.. sounds like she has a lot on her mind or she is mad at you about something.

Wildcat21 · Aug 4, 2005, 10:35 AM

First of all I think maybe you should start with yourself - maybe it's the way you carry yourself. Obviously, for some reason, she doesn't respect you? Why?

Also - what about trying some new activities? Go out with friends. Is there a Senior Center in your area? My Dad refused to go for a long time - and we he finally started going he realized all the great men there.

Do you have any relatives to talk with?

trulydiva · Aug 4, 2005, 05:35 PM

Go have some fun! Get a life. Both of my parents are older, and are currently enjoying good health. I get a little ticked cause they don't have time for me!! I am happy for them though, they are always doing something, with the church, or other seniors, Listen this is YOUR LIFE!! The last part of it, wouldn't it be a shame to waste it pining over some ungrateful daughter, who goes to church and never read the scripture about honoring your mother and father. If she can't show you love, then whatever she is getting at that church puts a serious question in my mind. Maybe she has issues about growing up with an alcoholic in the house. Maybe she blames you. Whatever! We all have issues in our pasts and we have to get over it. And don't let her be mean to you anymore. You can't make her love you but you can demand respect. And if she can't respect you, tell her to get her sorry butt out of your house, and go out and be an adult!

Look, we can't pick our relatives, but we can pick our friends. Have a good cry and force yourself out of the house and go make some friends and have some FUN!!

Wildcat21 · Aug 5, 2005, 08:18 AM

Church, community centers, neighbors, friends, relatives, classes, - even going for coffe by yourself, library

I really wish you had left your husband a long time ago if he is so bad. You probably would be happier now.

I think with your daughter it's all about time - give it time. She senses your neediness and she doesn't like it. It's just like with relationshisps - neediness is repulsive. Try not contacting her for a while - make her come to you - ACT like you don't need her - very important. Don't call her for a while.

fredg · Aug 5, 2005, 09:12 AM

Hi,
Wildcat's idea; "act like you don't need her" is very, very good. Your daughter has been taking you for granted; and you have been taking everything she says and acting the way she wants you to act.
Get out of the house, as others have said.
Go to church, or whatever, meet some people. Don't worry about the future, or an old folk's home.
You might wind up meeting a man, and be much, much happier than you are now.
Even meeting other woman can be very enjoyable, finding new friends.
STOP calling, writing, seeing you daughter. Let her decide what she wants.
Do this for yourself, not her.
In time, she will come to realize just how much you mean to her; but she has to realize this for herself.
Best of luck,
fredg

hvezda · Aug 20, 2005, 06:00 PM

I have had horrible neck pain for 4 months now and can't get rid of it, it is repetitive strain from PC work. Last night I had some chest pains which I was worried about, because I thought it could be the heart. I try to sleep through the night and this morning at 10 I decided to go to the Emergency room in the hospital to have checked, this has been going on for way too long. Guess what my husband was drunk first thing in the morning and my lovely daughter had to go "somewhere"... so I drove myself with all the will I had. When I was in Emergency I was scared, you want someone with you... when my husband had his depressed times I used to go to the hospital every time with him, talk to him, now he changed pills for booze and I am not sure he even knows I exist.
My daughter came home from "somewhere" while I was still in Emergency and for once she did not think to come and be with me, she went to the movies.
It is so sad and so lonely...

shenda · Aug 20, 2005, 06:18 PM

I pray all is well with you concerning your health. Moms are the most celebrated, as well as, the most neglected. Somehow we balance things out; however, stretch yourself, permit yourself to pal around with the girls every so often, there is no harm in that.

fredg · Aug 21, 2005, 04:21 AM

Hi,
I highly suggest you find a local AlaNon chapter and meeting in your local area.
Go talk with them, go to a meeting. AlaNon is the Alcoholics Anonymous' chapter for spouses or children married or associated with an alcoholic; or even a drug addict.
Your husband has a definite problem with alcohol and drugs. AlaNon can help you, with talking about it with others who have the same problem; living with an alcoholic or addict.
I really hate to sound negative, but 99% of the time, situations like this only get worse... they NEVER get better; until the person with the addiction finds help for himself/herself.
In the meantime, if you are going to stay married, go to a meeting of the above. You will be amazed at what you learn.
Best of luck,
fredg

Wildcat21 · Aug 22, 2005, 12:16 PM

Sorry to hear your family isn't there for you. That's terrible. Do you have some close friends you can talk with? Relatives near by?

Your daughter must be undera ge 25? A lot (not all) young woman don't respect you or grow up until that age.

Sounds like your husband has checked out? Can you even talk with him and find out what's really going on? He really needs to go to a rehab clinic and gety on the right meds.

Did you ask your husband to go with? Did you tell him how important it was?

Wildcat21 · Aug 22, 2005, 03:36 PM

Actually - Paul has some here. You may take great comfort in your religious center. I think it may really help. I highly recommend it for you.

fredg · Aug 23, 2005, 05:42 AM

Hi, again,
If your husband is really an alcoholic and/or an addict, you might really consider the suggestion about separation from him.
It takes something really bad happening to a person who might be alcoholic to finally realize they want to change. AA teaches that.
He will NOT change anything until he decides he has to; nothing will change until he makes that decision.
If you stay living with him, it will only get worse; never gets better! (unless he himself wants to change).
You telling him to leave, or you moving out, just might make the difference, if he wants change. If he doesn't, it would give you some time to think about things.
Best of luck,
fredg

Wildcat21 · Aug 23, 2005, 07:58 AM

"It takes something really bad happening to a person who might be alcoholic to finally realize they want to change."

I agree a lot with this. Your family takes you for granted. Your husband needs help and needs a reason to find it.

What is he so unhappy about?

hvezda · Aug 23, 2005, 11:58 AM

With my husband it's hereditary depression, he has been depressed his whole life, one time I had to spoon feed him and take him to the hospital, because he didn't want to live, they set him on the right track and gave him pills, he followed up with the program for a while, then quit and started to drink... it's a terrible situation, because I would feel terrible about elaving him, when he needs help... and yes my daughter is unedr 25 years.

Wildcat21 · Aug 23, 2005, 01:09 PM

That's a tough situation. Obviously he needs to get back into that program and off the booze. As I am sure you know, Booze creates more depression - and only helps for a few hours. Do you have a religious leader (pastor, reverend etc.) that could intervene. He needs help. Or other family memebers/relatives?

You have to be the closets person to him. Any way you can talk to him?

I would have to think he would want to change his life if he could?

hvezda · Oct 13, 2005, 07:27 PM

Some while ago I posted message under "heartbroken mom" over issues that I had with my drinking husband and my daughter.
My husband balances his life around going to work, drinking, watching TV, then because he drinks he gets gout attacks, feels sorry for himself, quits drinking until the attack goes and then it starts all over again!
My daughter since moved about three hours away from here and I have yet once to receive a phone call from her, "it is too expensive to call" all it would cost would be $2 and yet she has pretty hefty salary. I used to call her, but decided no more... I have opened my heart to her many times and have been kicked as many times, we have done everything for her, being the only child, she never lacked anything and I guess that's where we have gone wrong.
It hurts to know that I have a daughter that will never be close, I could never go and visit her and feel welcomed, in fact when I call her I do most of the talking.
It really is hurting to come to terms with this, since I had totally different relationship with my mom, open, warm, she was more like my friend, but my daughter told me that I will never be her friend.
I have not talked to her for a week and I am not planning to call again, but I think about it all every minute of the day.
I am planning to retire next year and I feel very lonely! Lonely between family members and lonely in the world!

rkim291968 · Oct 13, 2005, 08:32 PM

Originally Posted by hvezda

Some while ago I posted message under "heartbroken mom" over issues that I had with my drinking husband and my daughter.
My husband balances his life around going to work, drinking, watching TV, then because he drinks he gets gout attacks, feels sorry for himself, quits drinking until the attack goes and then it starts all over again!
My daughter since moved about three hours away from here and I have yet once to receive a phone call from her, "it is too expensive to call" all it would cost would be $2 and yet she has pretty hefty salary. I used to call her, but decided no more.....I have opened my heart to her many times and have been kicked as many times, we have done everything for her, being the only child, she never lacked anything and I guess that's where we have gone wrong.
It hurts to know that I have a daughter that will never be close, I could never go and visit her and feel welcomed, in fact when I call her I do most of the talking.
It really is hurting to come to terms with this, since I had totally different relationship with my mom, open, warm, she was more like my friend, but my daughter told me that I will never be her friend.
I have not talked to her for a week and I am not planning to call again, but I think about it all every minute of the day.
I am planning to retire next year and I feel very lonely! Lonely between family members and lonely in the world!

I think you should have been developing healthy dose of hobbies, new friends, and outlets such that your life is not totally depending on taking care of others (like your husband and daughter) or relying on their love. If you don't have such outlet, it's time to start now. My mom started playing golf, learning computer, going to church, etc. all after age 65 after his loved ones moved away. She's quite happy. You should be, too.

Wildcat21 · Oct 13, 2005, 08:57 PM

rkim291968 - gave great advice.

I think you should leave your daughter alone. I bet $1000 you're WAY too needy of your daughter - and she hates it! No one wants some one who is so needy - it's repulsive.

IF you leave her alone - like a few MONTHS she will come to you.

See -you don't show your independence of her. She feels your desperation to have her attention and she hates it. I can feel it.

You need to d oyour own things. People who have happy lives love themselves FIRST. They can be happy by themselves.

rkim291968 · Oct 13, 2005, 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

rkim291968 - gave great advice.

Thanks.

My wife and I have only one child, a 16 yo young man. When he went to NY for school related trip this summer, my wife and I didn't miss him at all. We both had our hobbies, and things we do together. He had a great time in NY and we also enjoyed being alone. We look forward to the day that my son goes to college.

(All 3 of us are hoping that he will go to a college far from home. :D )

hvezda · Mar 3, 2006, 03:36 PM

I have posted the post this morning and now I can't find it, so I am going to post this again. I have heartache with my daughter. She moved away two and half hour by car from home, she is working. I have retired in November and became sick with stomach ulcer, had to be hospitalized for rapid heartbeat (200 beats per minute) and different ailments, mainly caused by stress and working long hours.
My daughter was home when I was taken to the hospital with an ambulance and I asked her if she could come with me and she told me that she had to go to the party. I was scared out of my witts, so I wanted someone to come with me.
I worked so hard so I could help her out, so I could bring her home from another province for long weekends, so I could take her on a trip to the country of my birth, so she could find about her heritage, I also took her boyfriend.
Now when I am sick and I want to talk to her about it, she tells me that she doesn't want to listen to that, that it is all in my head, maybe it is, because burn out can cause all kinds of problems, fact is that she just doesn't care about me, or my husband for that matter. She never calls I am the one that has to call her, she says that it costs too much. She only comes home when her boyfriend is in town, then she brings all her laundry to do and so on.
I have a feeling that she just doesn't care about us and it is killing me, I feel like total failure, yet, I always loved her, she never went without anything, never was abused.
I think that I shouldn't be surprised by anything unpleasant that she says to me. Frankly, I think she just doesn't like me. That's the underlying problem. My sense, however, is that she doesn't like most people. I can't change how she behaves; the only thing I can change is my own reaction to that behavior. And for my own sake, I should try my best to give up hoping that my relationship with my daughter will one day miraculously change. This is unlikely to happen. She would have to have a head injury or would have to experience some other traumatic event that would radically alter her personality.
In the meantime I feel like I have dagger in my heart and I just cannot accept the fact that she is my child, who is 25 years old and I really do not have a child, how can I cope with it?