[perezeddie]

I have a 16 yr old step daughter who my wife and I are needing advice on.

She has been diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. She currently takes zoloft to control both symptoms. We have recently found out that she has tried hard drugs before, but that she hasn't since she was about 14. However, she has continued to smoke pot. Obviously without our knowledge. About a year ago, she made the decision that she was only going to smoke pot occassionally(once a week or so), and not in our house or have any in our house. She has been pretty honest about her drug usage.

She is a high school dropout and is wanting to get her GED. She has a job and is willing to work full time, but they have cut back on her hours. It is just a fast food job. She has told us on numerous occasions that she is not scared to tell us anything and has been pretty honest up for the most part.

She has a boyfriend and we truly believe that she is a virgin. She has told her mom on several occasions that she wants to wait until she is married.

My wife has been a stay at home mom for 3 yrs now due to us having our first child.

I believe that we have two options.

We must make dalila a full time job. In other words we monitor her every move literally. We take away her phone and TV, and we basically hold her hostage.

Or we continue to monitor her pretty closely, with the understanding that she probably will do pot every now and then. However, as long as she keeps a job, doesn't bring pot into our home, is relatively respectful to us keeping in mind that she IS a teenager and is almost 17, then we will probably be OK with her.

We want to be very involved with her and be there for her, but we also need to understand that she will be 18 in a year and our "leash" will be gone soon.

Our biggest concern is that her pot use will lead to harder drugs once she moves out. However, she tried harder drugs before and stopped on her own.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks

[colbtech]

I am one of many that do not believe that smoking "a bit of gear" or using it for recreational use will lead to hard drugs generally.

Obviously it depends on the individual involved and if they hang around with the "wrong crowd". As a teenager I had seen my father smoke and give up with the words "What have I been doing all these years work hard, pay for cigarettes, light them up and throw them away", which is basically what happens. At the same time you are damaging your health, for men it can lead to erection problems and in women it can lead to problems in conceiving a child.

Later on when you require health insurance or pensions the fact that you are a smoker will load a premium.

Perhaps explain about emphysemia which is a disease of the lungs and WILL ultimately lead to a slow death later on in life.

I must point out that I used to smoke (tobacco) throughout my formative years (11-17) and grew out of it.

As for "controlling" the child in question, my wife (now ex wife) and I tried just about everything with our son and while each "control" worked it was only effective for a short time. He still smokes tobacco and cannabis but he is fairly healthy, in full time employment and doesn't cause any trouble.

Ultimately you cannot "control" a child, however you can guide them along a particular path. A far more effective method of control is to be "cool" parents. Talk to them as an adult, invite her "fella" over for a BBQ make sure there is enough friends and family around to make it so nobody feels "I'm under inspection".

Hope this helps

[CroCivic91]

I can say I've had 2 friends that smoked pot on a regular basis (3-4 times a week) and have tried harder drugs (LSD). One of them stopped smoking pot at the age of 19 and moved to "plain" cigarettes. The other one completely stopped smoking (anything) at the age of 20. They both are not on harder drugs. However, I also had 2-3 friends in primary school that are at the moment on pretty nasty sh*t, and it all started with pot in 7th grade (14 years).

I guess it's one of those things you stop doing because your own brain finds out it's a smart idea to stop doing it, and not because someone else is not allowing you to do it.

However, I guess the most critical time is between the age of 14 and 18. If she's only on pot after that - she'll make it.

I'd just like to point out that you can hardly control her drug abuse. If she wants a smoke, she'll go smoke somewhere outside. Of course, you can make her do blood tests and all to find out she's still using it, but I don't believe you can make her stop unless you put her in an institution (don't know the name in english).

[s_cianci]

I'd go along with your second option. Under the conditions you've described, "holding her hostage" is not likely to motivate or encourage her to do what she needs to do at this time. Ultimately you can't force her to stop doing pot but you can certainly forbid it in your home or in your presence. You can also discourage her by having a serious talk with her about the dangers of pot and the other drugs that it tends to lead to. You might also want to point out that her doing drugs is what contributed to her anxiety and adhd which in turn were no doubt the cause of her falure to complete high school. Your stepdaughter is unfortunate in that she's had to suffer these consequences but at the same time it presents a unique teaching opportunity concering the consequences of drug use. This may give her the motivation she needs to stop her drug use and get her life back on track.

[shadowgate]

I work as a substance abuse counselor in NC and have done so for the last 15 years. Consistatnce in your response is the best thing you can do. Attempt to keep her from doing irreversable harm but let her make mistakes AND LIVE WITH THE ANWSERS. This will not be easy for you. If I do not miss my quess you would like a child who makes choices that are more effective for her. Most of these choice start with what the child learned 5 + years ago, but it is not too late be supportive without enableing.

[fredg]

Hi,
You are a concerned parent, no doubt! Any drug usuage is not good; but you can't change anything yourself. Just keep giving support, and be there for her.
She is the one to change, if she wants to. She needs your love, and she needs to know you will be there if she needs you. Let her live her life, and try to stop worrying so much. Don't let it get to the point it completely disrupts your lives, too.
She should get her GED, cause without it, most companies won't hire you now!
She needs a full-time job, learning responsibility; but it will be hard to get without a high school diploma or GED.
If you "clamp down" on her, take away privileges, you are asking for trouble.
Best wishes,
fredg