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dandkmapp · Jul 29, 2007, 11:21 PM

I haven't seen my daughter since she was a year and a half old. What do I say and how do I go about it. I've missed seeing her so much. Especially since I have another daughter with another woman and watching her grow up has made me miss my first one more and more each day. I want to make things right for her and not traumatize her in any way. Her mother has just called me and told me she's been asking questions about me and would maybe want to meet me some day. The only thing is she lives three states away. And it will be very difficult to be envolved in her life as far as seeing her. What should I do to start this relationship off on the right foot?

:rolleyes:

FrOsT_bItE · Jul 29, 2007, 11:36 PM

Originally Posted by dandkmapp

I haven't seen my daughter since she was a year and a half old. What do I say and how do I go about it. I've missed seeing her so much. Especially since I have another daughter with another woman and watching her grow up has made me miss my first one more and more each day. I want to make things right for her and not traumatize her in any way. Her mother has just called me and told me she's been asking questions about me and would maybe want to meet me some day. The only thing is she lives three states away. And it will be very difficult to be envolved in her life as far as seeing her. What should I do to start this relationship off on the right foot?

:rolleyes:

I think that the first thing you should do is talk to her. Instead of waiting for the mother to ring again, call her and ask if you could speak to your daughter. Tell your daughter that you do still love her, no matter how far away she is. Start with the small talk first. So questions like "How are you today?" and "How's the schooling so far?" are good. In the 3rd sentence you said that you miss her so much. Tell her that. Tell her how you feel about her. Then ask her other questions relating to HER. Remember, this conversation revolves around her. However, if she wants to know what your up to and how you are, then tell her. Talk to her respectfully, maturely and as if you had known her all your life. (Still can't get those butterflies out of your stomach? EASY! Write down all the questions and practice them in front of the mirror!)

The second thing you need to do is arrange a meeting. You mentioned that she lives THREE states away! If I was in this event, I would make it the holidays. This way you can spend all day every day talking to her, showing her around and all the other things daughter and fathers do. But if work gets in the way, then ask your boss to have about a week off. If he doesn't... call me! Just joking.

I hope this helps. Good luck with the whole thing! Oh, and when you see her... tell her that she looks as beautiful as Mischa Barton! (Trust me, EVERYONE loves Mischa Barton! Or maybe even a rose!)

SoonToBeMumOf5 · Aug 8, 2007, 04:43 PM

It may take time to see her but arange a big day or weekend out. Just you and her.. take her to all sorts off places and spoil her. After all she hasn't seen her dad in nearly 11 years she deserves it

Bluerose · Aug 8, 2007, 05:12 PM

Sorry folks. I disagree with taking her all over and spoiling her or talking to her on the phone and asking a lot of questions. It is going to be pretty overwhelming as it is. What they really need is a quiet chat on the phone to begin with, with him letting her know that he has never forgotten her and that he would like very much to see her, then listen to what she has to say. If the conversation dries up a little he could ask her if there was anything she would like to ask him. And if they can get together, I hope he just takes her for a burger and some small talk. It takes time for people to get to know each other, it doesn't all just fall into place after a questions and answer session. And when she goes back home keep in touch with letters and you could send her little stories and jokes and photos etc.

dandkmapp · Aug 27, 2007, 09:45 PM

Originally Posted by bluerose

Sorry folks. I disagree with taking her all over and spoiling her or talking to her on the phone and asking a lot of questions. It is going to be pretty overwhelming as it is. What they really need is a quiet chat on the phone to begin with, with him letting her know that he has never forgotten her and that he would like very much to see her, then listen to what she has to say. If the conversation dries up a little he could ask her if there was anything she would like to ask him. And if they can get together, I hope he just takes her for a burger and some small talk. It takes time for people to get to know each other, it doesn’t all just fall into place after a questions and answer session. And when she goes back home keep in touch with letters and you could send her little stories and jokes and photos etc.

Hey guys,

I finally got to talk to my daughter. I was in tears... She was so happy to hear from me. I did what I thought was best and slowly conversed with her and told her that I missed her very very much and that I was looking forward to seeing her some day. She was really excited and told me she felt the same way. She has been depressed on fathers day and said, that the hardest day for her. I was just in ecstatic. I prayed for this day to come and I know that seeing her is just around the corner. Maybe, Thanksgiving or Christmas. We both have some time then. Now the hardest thing for me and she also said this, will be to say goodbye after she does come. But thats' the least of my worries at this moment. I just want to thank everyone for they're helpful advice and it went really well. I'll keep intouch.

Sincerely
Dad

rkim291968 · Aug 28, 2007, 12:40 AM

Good for you! Keep up the relationship. Meeting her even once a year is so much better than not meeting at all. Meet her as often as you can. She needs you.

thepurpose · May 23, 2008, 08:29 PM

Dandkmapp!
I am excited for you man! I am in almost the same situation as you are. I havent seen my daughter for 11 years. I wanted to but military, merchant marine, fishing boats, anything I could do to make money, I did because when I got out of the military I was homeless in one year. The interest with the child support added up and I couldn't pay it all.
I read your first sentence of the last message and I felt the tears on their way. In fact what is strange is that I just wrote my daughter a 3 page letter with 54 pictures. When you wrote I prayed for this day to come, I tripped out. That was my headline on her letter before editing.
Congrats and good luck; when I pray tonight I'll ask the best for your situation as well. the purpose

Sonador101 · May 24, 2008, 01:25 PM

You two are strangers, and it is probely weird for both of you, how you go visit her for the weekend and just talk about whatever, if things kick off email her and write her letters and keep contact. But prepare yourself for the possibility you guys won't kick off and she won't want to keep contact. But either way its good to talk
Ps you might have to explain why you left mommy be prepared/

killma · Sep 7, 2010, 01:41 AM

Im the same atm, my 13 year old girl has found me on Facebook and we do talk now online but that's as far as it has got, I think shortly we will meet up but I also have 2 other girls so I have to be carful how I explain this to them. And I'm finding this really hard as I don't know where I'm going to fit into her life, I don't want to hurt her in anyway but I get the picture she's not going to see me as a farther because she has a really strong bond with her step dad (and that's good), so I have to be ready in case its just she is curious to see this side of the family.

When I first talked to her it was difficult as I would write a novel and she would reply in just 3 words lol (thats a 13 year old for you), but my advice is just keep talking even if it feels like she does not care.

Ive had that Q as well (why did you leave and not stay intouch), and that is a hard one 2 answer but I just was truthful, so be ready for some awkward Q's!

And also I wouldent rush it, talk online or phone and try and find some common ground, rem she has never met you and you don't know anything about her, so don't expect to go skipping throu the park when you first meet.

Ive been talking to her now for 3 months and never met and we both agree this is the right thing to do atm, so we can get to know each other a little better!

And rem this affects you too! If your not ready tell her this, I did and she understands.

So good luck if anyone is going through this, and I hope this helps a little!

simonanomaly · Oct 19, 2010, 12:13 PM

Ive known mine (shes 17 yrs old now) for a year and a half now, its still kind of weird, we see each other every 3 weeks on average,. we get on really well and are both up for the long term. I just want to say that it still feels abit strange and that its hard to know how to feel, its like there's no category to slot into to explain how it feels or what the bounderies are, how to be, what is wanted or expected, its just so alien. I'd like to speak to others in the same predicament. [email protected]

stgoreo · Jul 18, 2012, 09:41 PM

I don't know if you'll still get this, but I've just been reunited with my daughter after 17 yrs and am looking for advice or any kind of insight on how to handle this. We've already seen each other and have been talking and texting for over three months. Thou I've taken the lead there, up until the last few week she has answered consistently. Lately thou she has become quiet. I have tried to follow suit, but worry that this will just encourage an increased distance. If you get this let me know how thing went with you and your daughter and how you handled this tough situation.