[Hivona]

I got married very young to my first boyfriend (no children involved here). He was my first for everything. After about 2 years into the marriage I lost all interest in being intimate with him. I never wanted it but gave it up because he would bother me so much. In the last 10 years he hasn't been able to hold a job for more than a year, he had no direction, no career in site, not financially stable, an emotional roller coaster, would get extremely upset over the smallest things. At year seven which was last year, I started an affair with a coworker. This coworker picked up on how unhappy I was. I had never really considered divorce before because I never thought I had the guts to do it & didn't think I could make it on my own. So I just thought this is how my marriage is. I really didn't feel attracted to my husband & I wasn't proud of him. There was also some physical, emotional & verbal abuse from my husband. But he was at times so sweet & thoughtful with the little things. But then he also would make me walk to work in the rain while he was at home unemployed...

So I got involved with the other man. If he & I had been single we would have been so happy together. But neither of us were. He showed me that there are other things out there, that I probably could do better, & didn't deserve to be treated the way I was by my husband. I separated from my husband about 4 months ago & the relationship with my affair partner fell apart too. I have always felt so guilty not so much about the affair but just because of my leaving my husband hurt him so badly. I felt like what I wanted didn't matter, everything I do was to take care of my husband. But I am not sure I love him. My mother is close to my husband. She tells me that he sees the error of his ways & that he is making good changes. But I still don't know what to do or what I am feeling anymore. I feel so confused. I still have hope that my affair partner will soemday come around again. I fear that if I go back with my husband my lover will never come back (he believes I will go back to my husband in the end). But I don't know why I still have some doubts about divorcing my husband. I can not say for sure that I love him. I know I love my lover.

I wonder if I have doubts because my affair partner in no longer in the picture so am I afraid of the unknown?
Do I want to run back to what I do know?
Should I see my husband again a few times to see how I feel about it?
I really wish I could figure out why I still am unsure of anything, even how I feel or what I want.
How do I know if I am just afraid of being alone or what? How do I know if I love my husband anymore? I really am not sure. :(

[intherapy]

Hun, firstly the affair was just an excuse to run from your ex. Your way of breaking it off. So going back for any reason at all, if even to suffice him or your guilt, would be a huge mistake. About the other guy. You may have eventually developed feelings for this other man but they aren't based in anything solid. Do you really want to be in a relationship that stemmed from betrayal? Love doesn't look like that. I think you are too smart for that anyway. He may have sparked feelings in you, but in all honesty, I think all he did was remind you that you had life in you and that you wanted to live it. What I think you should do is just that, live your life. I understand that standing alone in the world is very difficult after having gone straight from home to marriage. I did it, I know. Stop being afraid of who you might really be. Thing is, you are strong, you have the world at your feet. Be alone for awhile, find out who you are. You already know really you just need to be honest with yourself. Make goals, solidify you, then open yourself for a new relationship, a healthy one. Don't settle for less and move forward, don't re-immerse yourself in an ugly past. You deserve the best.

[klovesj110603]

Hey I feel for you girl I too was married young and it isn't easy I hope your life is all you want it to be and that you never give up on your dreams. I was married at 15 and it was and still is very hard I don't want to tell you my story because I'm not trying to take away from yours. Just know life throws you curves and you never know who's waiting around the corner for u. Don't let how your mom feels about him infulince u. You must make this decision on your own. Living on your own could really be a good thing U will always survive and along the way you will find someone to survive with. Hope I could help

[Hivona]

I really truly believe this other man did love me but that it was just too much for him to handle anymore with me & my indecision about my divorce. So what if someday when the dust settles he comes back to see if we can try again? If he does that would that mean he still loves me? He has been casually dating for a few months. Its painful for me still to know this, so if someday he wants to try us again how do I deal with the fact that he left & started dating?

And another thing, people always say there are tons of fish in the sea. I love(d) him & he did love me. But why would he want to come back? Why would a person want to go back to a place where he felt so many highs then so many lows? I still hope that someday he will want to give us another shot. But realistically why would he want to come back? Is it possible that maybe with time the pain he feels now by being around me will subside & he will decide it is worth it to try again? Is it possible that maybe it was the wrong time for us & in the future things will work out? Is it possible for two people who are great together to break up & then come back together down the line & make it work the second time around?

[rkim291968]

In my opinion, you will not be happy with your husband going forward. I have seen too many marriages where people decide to re-try, re-try, re-try,. and live forever "unhappy." By the time they had courage to split up for good, it's too late (too old, become too jaded, etc).

Once you split up for good, another world should open to you. You will find another and I don't mean the one you were having affair with. It is possible that it would have been just an "affair" for the guy. He may never have intended it to be a long term healthy relationship.

[Hivona]

Sometimes I feel like I don't know what I want or where I am going right now.

The affair partner & I talked about a long term relationship, we were both looking forward too it. We both felt that we would be together for along time, & on a few occasions he mentioned possible marriage someday...

But who knows now. At times I feel like I don't know anything, just a mess. Maybe this is god, natures, fates way of getting me by myself for once in my life to figure out what I want & where I am going. I wish it was with the affair partner. I wish we had what we thought we had but I guess only time will tell now. I try to tell myself to move on but its very difficult. It feels so different losing my lover compared to leaving my husband. I am more comfortable leaving my husband, I really feel like I lost someone special losing my lover.

[talaniman]

How do I know if I am just afraid of being alone or what? How do I know if I love my husband anymore? I really am not sure. :(

How about being by yourself and building a life your happy with instead of expecting some guy to do it for you. You need to seriuosly examine how your life has gone, and come up with a better plan.

[s_cianci]

Let me ask you this ; have you tried to work things out with your husband? Have you considered counseling for the two of you? Or did you just pull away from him, criticize his faults and begin an affair? Obviously your husband has issues he needs to address. Have you helped or encouraged him to address those issues? Or did you just lash out criticism? If he won't go to counseling, you should go yourself as it could still help you find ways to help him and yourself. Remember, you chose to marry this man and you knew what he was when you did. Now you bear the responsibility of doing everything in your power to try and make it work. He likewise shares that same responsibility. Now if he absolutely refuses to carry his weight in that area then you may have a problem. But at this point I'm not convinced that any attempt at that has been made from either end.

[Hivona]

I married him when I was 17 & I had no life experience at all. I remember thinking a few times that if I didn't take him no one else would want me, myself esteem was so low. I thought he was going to go somewhere with his life but we seemed to hold each other back by getting married so young. When I started to realize that things weren't so good with our marriage I didn't really want to make it work. I was feeling that I wanted to get away & see what other people were like. I felt like our marriage was a joke, & I am really not attracted to him at all. I feel like he is more of a big brother than a husband & that we should have just been good friends. For years I just took his crap, I found ways to justify the abuse, like I deserved it somehow. I think if I had been stronger in the past I would have left sooner.

My mother is still very close to my husband & says that he is making big positive changes in regards to his anger management & impulse control issues. I saw my husband a week ago for the first time in about a month to a month & a half. He looked OK, lost some weight but I wasn't like oh wow what a hottie. The meeting went well, not too awkward, it didn't make me want to go running back to him & it didn't make me want to run away from him. I feel like I am back on the fence again. I thought I had made up my mind & now I feel like I don't know what I want.

For awhile I was thinking whether my husband made positive changes or not I wouldn't want to go back. I still think I lean that way more than any other way. He was always good with many little things, bringing me home treats that I loved, cooking dinner, warming my towel in the dryer. But many other times it seemed that I (or our future together) wasn't really his priority.

The affair was a wake up for me. It helped me realize that my marriage was in trouble but I didn't feel the need to break off the affair to save my marriage. Instead I felt I could have had a better future with either my affair partner or soemone else down the line.

But what I wish I could figure out is why do I keep going back & forth with it? Why am I still floundering? I have been separated from my husband for 4 months now, & for awhile I felt for sure that as painful as it was I had to do the divorce, it was best for me. Then at times my fears & doubts creap in & I wonder should I just go back to what I have known & what could be changed. I don't think I will ever be physically attracted to my husband. But in other ways the marriage maybe better. I just don't know what I want & what is best for me right now & I really wish I could figure it out & start working towards that.

Also, my husband & I did try counseling. I don't think she was that good but honestly I went hoping that she would tell me that it was OK to leave.

[Hivona]

Another thing, when I think of getting back with my husband I feel reluctant about it, its not like I am happy to be thinking about it, Im not excited that oh yes this time we will be better. I would have to be forcing myself to do it. I guess I just need more time to figure it all out...

[intherapy]

You did marry too young, and I know that you will not be happy if you go back. I did it time and time again thinking that he would change, thinking I would change, whatever the case. When we are young we don't have a clue who we are. The marriage was a mistake in the first place, don't relive that. You don't feel right about it, let it go.

And do you really feel all right about a man that you had an affair with? Do you think that he would really respect you in a marriage?

I think that yourself esteem needs a boost. Take care of you for a change and quit thinking a man is going to fulfill your needs. You can't love someone right until you KNOW yourself. If you don't know yourself than how can you find the person that is really right for you.

[Hivona]

Thank you all for the advice. It is good stuff.

One of the things that makes this difficult is that my husband (at least according to my mother, & he also states that he sees where he went wrong & wants another chance) is trying to change. Whereas most people do not or are unwilling, he is willing & has been trying. I haven't spent time around him so I can't say if he has changed. But I know he was in therapy for a bit & went on some medication which he is trying to slowly get off now. So I feel bad because he is making an effort to change for the better, something many partners don't do, but I still don't think I would want to go back. But I'm not entirely sure.

I know I need to make a decision & stick too it no matter how difficult it is. But I seem to have a hard time doing that right now. I feel like I want to what my husband needs, like I always have, go back to him to alleviate his pain, & I would just have to deal. But I know that isn't right, if I went back it should be because I want to, & I don't think I really want to. Its like I am afraid to commit. I think I am just still very confused.

As far as the other man being faithful to me if we were together, we both acknowledged that trust might be an issue. But I felt that I would take the chance because I felt that good with him, because I love him & soemtimes you might get hurt. I hope that maybe someday after every thing is settled if we come back together that we will be in better places, maybe different people in that we would never cheat again. I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. He has a good heart.