[kingdktgrv]

She sent me a text telling me that she still cares about me but doesn't want to be as serious as we were in the past. She also said she did not want to be exclusive anymore. The serious part I understand and its mutual but not the exclusive part. I am meeting her tomorrow and we are going to go somewhere to talk about our 'new' relationship.


What should I say/do??

[GlindaofOz]

She sent me a text telling me that she still cares about me but doesnt want to be as serious as we were in the past. She also said she did not want to be exclusive anymore. The serious part i understand and its mutual but not the exclusive part. I am meeting her tomorrow and we are going to go somewhere to talk about our 'new' relationship.


What should i say/do ???

Follow Ash's advice. Read his guides and take his advice really pay attention. This is seriously amazing advice for surviving a break up.

Do not argue with her or beg her or plead her to come back and have the relationship the way it was. King you are desperate you were asking if you and your girlfriend should take drugs so that she will fall back in love with you. Any acts of desperation on your part will only make you feel worse.

[aaii]

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

This is extremely important. When you are breaking up leave them with good memories of the high points of your relationship. Send them something that will list the high points. I guarantee that after a short time all they will be thinking about is the good memories you have "planted" in their head, and that will in turn bring back some of their treasured memories. They will start to get upset that they have let go of those memories, and regret losing you.

Not saying it works every time, but it worked for me.

Another thing I say, doesn't really relate to "surviving" but more "securing" yourself is mark your territory. Make it so that you "accidently" leave things lying around their house. Put sweet messages on their laptop. Of course what's to say they won't burn those things... well there are some things you can't burn, or wouldn't want to ;)

Its kind of sad idea but it tends to work in keeping that person thinking about you and close at heart.

Take care

[Ash123]

Yep, hold your ground...

[enigmagnetic]

As useful as oxygen geez. Way to rap up complexity in what amounts to a cook book recipe.

[sunflower88]

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)

Hi,

I did find your words comforting... I have kept my silence so to speak, and only vented on a coupled of close friends. Feel like an idiot for lowering my value in the early stages of the breakup, but the pain was a little overwhelming. I've managed to survive a week of this, and it has become easier. Thank you for these guides and for replying to my post. It validates what I had told myself to do but not confident enough to follow... :-)

thank you!

[bummedout4]

Hey ash, maybe you are familiar with my thread or not, either way do you think your steps apply if the breaker jumps into a rebound relationship rather quickly? My ex first said she wanted space, still loves me but not "in love" with me and now is seeing someone 5 weeks after the "break" started. She says she still cares about me and wants me in her life, but right now as a friend only, I know I need to stay away from her and go NC, after 4 yrs will she still think of me and maybe compare him to me? We didn't end it in bad terms really, no yelling or hating each other, but she is conufsed and scared about how long we been together and appears to think someone new may make her happier. Will time apart from me , and no contact make her think about what we had and if this new guy is compatible with her or not? I don't want to be there for support and comfort while she is with him because it will only make it easier on her to transition to him. Ok well thanks for any insight. I know I have to go work on myself and do mything, I am just curious what you think.

[chris28]

So I make 6 weeks that she broke up with me. Only one thing I can say is that I wish I read this in the beginning.

Thanks!!

[Stringer]

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)

Great job Ash; says it all.:)

[Ash123]

Thx S -

Hope it helps...

[SARZ88]

Thanks Ash, this helped some what, but like she was tallking to me last night when we were arguin but than things got beter in a way she was being sweeter and than my phone died and she hasn't texted me or callled or picked up on me since last night and I mean I don't know what to do what you think?

[Ash123]

Just - READ the guide.

"she's nice..your phone dying...not dying...."

Whatever.

It's HER job to get YOU.
She is the breaker.

You cannot chase. You can only say your peace and get away.
Yor hormones are raging and you can't think straight.
So, cool down and don't freak out.

She WANTS to chase you - so let her.

If you chase her your stock will fall like a $25 hooker's undergarments... QUICKLY!

[SARZ88]

Lol, thanks Ash I think your probably the most helpful person to talk to about this and I stopped trying to call her and contact her as you said and I read through the whole thing, she texted me right now saying she was busy cleaning and will talk to me later, but where should I go from there

[Ash123]

Well, talk to her when it fits your schedule.

Be polite. Say you are super busy and will call her soon... wait a few days.


You have to be unavailable... and take advantage of the time off.

How old are you?

Do you want to marry her really?

[SARZ88]

I'm almost 21 she's almost 20, but we known eahcother for 5 years and started dating a little over 2 years, but its like she knowns I'm never too busy for her and I'm there to talk to her whenever she needs me and if she doesn't reach me by texting or calling me she calls my friends to see were I'm

[Ash123]

man, you are WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too young for this to ruin your life.

What I mean is it will FEEL like it's ruining your life, but it will not!
You should not be getting married right now, but focusing on school and career.
And she knows that and that's why she is wisely talking a break.

the key is to make her work a bit. what 19 year old girl wants some guy who is a lap dog - yuck!

She's up to 10 years away from wanting to be in the house after a 9-5. she wants to live. You should too. Go DO something... so when you talk one day - you will have done something... for no be plite and then NC!

... be unavailable for a week, at least, keep saying you will get back to her... and then contact me about what to do next... take a break - go to a amovie

[SARZ88]

I know but its like we both want to get married early and in our religion we usually get married around 23 or so and we also want to get married young, and like if she doesn't reach me shell come to my house

[Ash123]

OK, enjoy her visit.

God bless religion making people miserable.

What religion is it?

[SARZ88]

Islam, but that's not the point more than that like we want to get engaged by the time were both 22 or did at least, when she texts me or calls me tonight ill do the exact thing you told me to but on the other hand she knows I have been wanting to talk to her since last night and she had to finish the stuff she was telling me

[Kia]

NO WAY. No response yet.

She will be ok.. I know you are feeling...Mean or something.
But, now you have the power...Like it?
So, now is the time to decide if you can do anything better with her the second time.
Each day that passes you have to ask can you bear another break up AND
do you even WANT to go out with her at all??

You must wait or you all will immediately cycle BACK to where you were.
i would advise (and i have been through this MANY times) to give this time.
or until she ever comes up with something concrete that
makes the past and the future workable. She won't likely come out with an
"i'm sorry..." but a clear willingless to talk and admit some fault or vulnerablity
to you is important. Responding will not help your cause.

Think about the good and the bad of your relationship. You have her back now. Do you really want her?
Ok, next time she texts, writes, calls let me know. This isn't so much about anything but giving yourself
the sanity of mind now to make a clear decision. Breathe - and talk to you soon.

Thank you for this explanation. I haven't read anything about what to do if your ex contacts you randomly, but you're not really sure if it is sincere ( or you figure its probably not). The guy I love calls at 3. 4 in the morning evey once in awhile. I guess I'm closer to getting over him, but I do still love him so it gets kind of hard when I see his number. I haven't picked up at that hour, but part of me wanted to pick up the phone, in hopes that maybe he changed his mind about something. Or; hoping, I didn't miss any revelations of his that he wanted me again, and felt the need to call me at that time. I was a little confused; but this helped a bit...