Check out some similar questions!

xxsamxx110 · Jun 24, 2007, 05:52 AM

*background*
ok so i started see in my boyfriend 3 weeks ago. he has a little boy from a previous relationship. we met through a mate and stated seeing each other. he lives about an hour away by car and i work during the week so we see each other on a weekend.

i love him to peices and im pretty sure its mutual. my problem is the mate that introduced us. she had known my boyfriend for a few years before she met me. the problem is she tells me and my boyfriend that she loves him. she has a long term boyfriend and is due to have his baby in a few weeks. since me and my boyfriend got together she has been awful to me. she tells him how much she loves him and that he is the only one for her. my boyfriend has mentioned to her about this and she has gone very defensive against me. i get the impression she wont be happy until we have split up. she makes me feel usless and not good enough for him. i dont want to fall out with her and i dont want my boyfriend to fall out with her either but i can't keep pretending it all ok and not getting to me.:confused: Second is that i dont know all that is said between them, i believe my boyfriend and im sure he wudnt do anything to hurt me but i can't trust her now. am I over reacting and what should I do? I don't want her to ruin the relationship I have with my boyfriend.

talaniman · Jun 24, 2007, 06:11 AM

You should limit contact with this crazy female, and keep her out of your conversations with your b/f. If your b/f falls out with her, that's his business. Yours is to leave her alone.

shygrneyzs · Jun 24, 2007, 06:47 AM

If your boyfriend does not step in and tell this girl to get over her crush, infatuation, love (whatever you can call it) concerning him, then stop and wonder what he is getting out of this with this girl. He should be the one protecting you and putting the distance between this girl and you and him.

You can tell you boyfriend that something needs to be done regarding this girl or you are seriously considering the benefits of staying with him. You cannot be subject to her remarks to you, any personal attacks she makes, or anything beyond that from her. It is not healthy!

One thing, you say she makes you feel useless. To be honest, she is targeting your own self esteem issues and knows that this will "get you". It is often said that no one can make you a victim unless you have given them some kind of permission. Okay, you can say you never said that what she says and does is all right with you. But you tolerate it, you do not defend yourself, you do not tell her to cease and desist from doing those things to you.

If you feel you cannot defend yourself because of the boyfriend and afraid to lose him, he is not worthy having. Honestly. His baggage is right there, blocking your relationship with him.

xxsamxx110 · Jun 24, 2007, 10:10 AM

Thanks for the advice. My boyfriend has told her not to say that she loves him and all the rest. He doesn't hear the convos and so he doesn't understand what I mean. She tells him one thing and me another. I'm in awkward situation as I don't want to loose my boyfriend or my mate. I just can't say leave me alone and my boyfriend wouldn't either. She makes me feel guilty about us being together. :(. She has told me I'm pushing her out. I feel so bad.

talaniman · Jun 24, 2007, 10:28 AM

True friends give love and support, not conflct and confusion. With friends like that, who needs enemies. Come on dear, wake up, and see what your mate is doing and kick her to te curb, before she ruins everything.

xxsamxx110 · Jun 24, 2007, 10:32 AM

How can I do that. My boyfriend is a mate to her as well and even though he said its her problem and if she carried on like it he wouldn't help but fall out with her. I don't no what to tell my boyfriend. I don't want to seem like now I'm with him I want her out of the picture and that its my problem. I just want time alone with him and her out of it all. She asks me if it bothers me her talking to him and that she would hate me if I stopped them talking.
What should I tell my boyfriend and what should I say to my mate? Thxs

xxsamxx110 · Jul 23, 2007, 10:04 AM

I've posted before about a friend causing problems. Basically me and my boyfriend have been having problems. I don't know if this is because I'm insecure or if I'm just getting the wrong impression of things. He has panic attacks and has know 'the friend' for about 5 years. He tells her a lot about what he feels. When I talk to her she is able to tell me what he'd be doing, what he'd be feeling, what he likes and dislikes and what he will do, what me and my boyfriend have been doing, what he gave me for my birthday, when he was planning to ask me to stay over etc. he tells me that he only tells her a bit and that it is because she has had panic attacks like he has and can talk to her. I don't understand why he can't talk to me. Anyway she then tells me bits and pieces. I get the impression that she thinks I'm not good enough and he would be happier and better with her. This makes me feel stupid and useless and I end up feeling insure about everything. I love my boyfriend and want to be with him but I want him to talk to me as well as her. Am i really asking too much? He doesn't understand and when he asks for a copy of the conversation we had she sends him one and is careful about what's on it. I always look like the one who is in the wrong and making a big deal out of nothing. I tried explaining it another way and said well its not like (my ex) is telling you about me or what I like and don't like and what I'd b doing and thinking etc and he said well I wouldn't want to know, I'd want to find it out for myself. So I told him yeah that's sort of what I mean and he just said that it isn't his fault and told me to tell her that I want to find out for myself. He doesn't understand how I feel and can't see it from my point of view. Am i really the one seeing it all wrong? he told me that I make him feel like feel like s**t and a bad boyfriend of which I replied well don't worry I feel like a bad girlfriend every time I end up speaking to (the friend). Now I think about it I can see that he would feel bad but my heads so messed up and I don't know what to think. I don't want to loose him and I know he is having doubts as each time we argue its about the same thing. How do I make this work? I love this guy. Please help! :'( Sorry its so long.

GlindaofOz · Jul 23, 2007, 10:24 AM

To be honest it sounds as if your boyfriends friend likes him and is trying to throw their friendship in your face to make you feel insecure. I would tell your boyfriend in plain terms that you feel threatened by this friendship and that you feel that he confides in his friend more then he does with you. I would tell him that you consider the confidante role in a relationship to be very important and that you feel that by him always confiding in his friend that he is basically making you feel blocked from his feelings.

I would not let this friend make you feel insecure. Good luck.

xxsamxx110 · Jul 23, 2007, 10:30 AM

She has had feeling for him for awhile and had openly admitted that. She tells him she loves him and send him hugs etc this was discussed and he told her not to say things like that. However she still does. I met him through her and when he asked if she would mind us being together as he was planning to ask me out she said it was fine us being together. She said she was jealous. But she has a long term boyfriend and is due to have his child in a few months. How can I make my boyfriend understand that I feel blocked out and not part of his life. I don't have a problem him talking to her but there are certain things I think should be private and that it is more important for us to be able to talk than it is for him and her to be able to talk. He also has a 2 year old son from a previous relationship. This is not a problem to me and generally he does include me but occasionally he doesn't and it makes me feel like he doesn't trust me or I'm not an important part in his life.

GlindaofOz · Jul 23, 2007, 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by xxsamxx110

how can i make my boyfriend understand that i feel blocked out and not part of his life..

I would tell him just that. I would try to tell him the gentlest way possible. Maybe tell him how much you love him and how much you love your relationship but that sometimes you feel blocked out of his life. Tell him that you don't think he does it on purpose but that you have to say something because its hurting your feelings. Tell him you don't want to start an argument but you have to get out how you feel because you want your relationship to be good and work smoothly. I would tell him that you just want him to open his life to you a bit more and to keep the private things in your relationship private.

Hopefully that will work. If he's not completely dense he should change and open up some more.

xxsamxx110 · Jul 23, 2007, 10:41 AM

Thanks, il try and put it in a positive way. Not that I've done well so far. What should I do about the friend and am I over reacting?

GlindaofOz · Jul 23, 2007, 10:44 AM

I don't think you are over reacting at all. Women have gut instincts that tell us when someone is interesting in our man. Its biological. I would try and tune her out. Maybe try a little saying I your head, something like "how sad that she is so hung up on him and has no chance" - something that's affirming to you and will make you feel good.

Haplo · Jul 23, 2007, 10:46 AM

I agree with Glinda above. Also, while it is your bf's right to have the friends that he wants (my best friend is a female as well) it's obvious that he needs to set some boundaries with her. It's good that your boyfriend has someone that he feels he can talk to that understands him, and you should not be insecure about that, everyone needs a friend or friends that are not the person they're in a relationship with to talk to. However, he needs to tell her that how she is acting is inappropriate to your relationship and causing problems.

Like Glinda said, speak to him plainly and straight forward. One thing about your post that really caught my eye is the two of you saying "well, when you make me feel like a bad boyfriend/girlfriend." This is not true. I'm not big into the psychology of feelings and emotions, but no one can make you feel anything. That's simply an excuse. You don't feel like a bad girlfriend because he makes you, you feel like one because of something you're feeling inside you. You have to take responsibility for that and then it can change. For instance, instead of "when you do this it makes me feel like a bad girlfriend," you can try "When this happens, I feel anxious and worried and because of that I don't feel like I'm being a very good girlfriend." This is taking ownership and responsibility over your own emotions. You'll be surprised how empowered you'll feel if you start looking at it like that and speaking like that.

I would say overall that the main issue is that the communication is unclear and there's 1 too many people in the relationship. Don't begrudge your boyfriend his friendship but try to make it clear that how he acts with this friendship hurts your feelings and threatens you and your sense of the relationship.

xxsamxx110 · Jul 23, 2007, 10:54 AM

I don't mind him having the friend and she is meant to be a friend of mine to. I just want him to talk to me. I have told him this. He says I am making something small into something big but that is not how I see it. As he put it just thinking of how silly your been to be honest. Your making it sound like I'm telling (the friend) everything and you nothing, there's no indication of that at all. Why does he not see that when I tell him that is how I see it. I don't know how else to tell him.

Haplo · Jul 23, 2007, 11:35 AM

The next step would be that you ask him to understand that in order for you two to resolve this he needs to see it from your perspective and not just his own. You can tell him that you understand that he feels frustrated because he doesn't see a problem and that you don't want to add to that frustration. Tell him that you don't feel understood in the same fashion though, and that it's pushing you away. He doesn't have to agree with your assessment of the situation but dismissing it as nothing fills you with anxiety and makes you feel insecure. That you want to find a middle ground in this situation where you can both feel comfortable and then it will no longer be a situation.

xxsamxx110 · Jul 23, 2007, 11:37 AM

Thanks that's a great help. Think il try write it down and see how it sounds.

xxsamxx110 · Jul 25, 2007, 06:06 AM

OK I've not been with my boyfriend long, I love him a lot. He lives approx an hour away from me and I am the only one that can drive.
Anyway he has panic attacks and lately they have been bad. My problem is that he won't talk to me. He said he would but he doesn't and we have been talking less and less. Since I'm on my holidays, so off work and he doesn't work, we arranged to spend the weeks together. Well everyday so far something has come up and he has said he will come the next day and he is sorry. The day before it was because he wouldn't see much of his family and wanted to spend one more night there and now he said had a panic attack last night and won't be coming today either etc. he hasn't been replying to my texts but I don't know if that is because he said he has only just woken up. Just feels like he is pushing me away and that I'm not that important. When we are together its great but when we are apart I feel so down. I'm getting so angry and down about this. I have not text him bck since the text as I don't want to say something I would later regret. But what should I do? Stick it out and hope it gets better or just end it? Thanks

Haplo · Jul 25, 2007, 06:23 AM

You should do neither. What you should do is tell him what you just told us. Talk to him about how all of this is making you feel and try to resolve it with him.

xxsamxx110 · Jul 25, 2007, 06:30 AM

I have tried explaining to him about us not talking but he does not understand. How else can I tell him without him thinking I want to end it.

xxsamxx110 · Jul 26, 2007, 09:16 AM

Just a quick update, well he has let me down again today. It was all planned that I would pick him up at 11 well it got to 12 and I got a text saying he was nearly ready and would text me telling me when to set off. Instead I got a text saying he had had another panic attack and his mum didn't want him to go while he was like that. I have asked if he feels up to coming later today and have had no reply. I got one text saying that he felt like a failure and that he can't even be a bad boyfriend. what am i to do? this is really getting me down.