[mr_X]

I have a girlfriend and she has a child that is not mine we have talked about marriage and having a child.The question I have is I love her child he has a father but not a "Dad" do men in my situation think about when they have their own child that they might play "favorites" with their own flesh and blood how do I prevent myself from doing this.It just I'm afraid if I raise this child with all my love and care that one day when he is older he will tell me "your not my father you can't tell me what to do!" that would break my heart is this a common fear of men taking over a child whose father is a dead beat?that one day the child might want to meet the "dead beat" father and forget all the love you gave him his whole life?

[fredg]

Hi,
If you wonder too much about this, you might night ever marry her!
I am 63, and at 33, met my second wife, after a 7 yr marriage ended in divorce... been married now 28 yrs!!
At 33, my wife then had a 5 yr old daughter, not mine. I treated her with respect and treated her as if she were my own. (I had 2 boys at divorce, ex wife got them).
Today, my step-daughter is 35 yrs old, calls me by my first name, but has more respect and love for me than her real father.
I did nothing to try planning it that way, it just happened.
Go for it!
Best of luck,
fredg

[s_cianci]

Biology really means nothing. If you marry this woman and raise and support her child, than you are the Dad, period. You are the provider, the nurturer and the lawgiver. Make sure that this woman understands that up front. If she doesn't, then you may want to consider someone else for a marriage partner. Now of course you really won't be able to have any control over this child as he gets older if he develops any hangups about biology and the "real" father. If he directly confronts you, simply remind him who's loved and supported him all those years. Reiterate that you are his Dad, whether he likes it or not. No child really totally likes everything about a parent, whether biological or not. If he insists on meeting his "real" father, I'm sure that once he sees him face-to-face that will shatter any illusions your intended stepson would have concerning his biological roots.

[fredg]

Hi,
If you marry, you will NOT be this boy's Dad! Biology is important.
Don't get the idea that you will be his "dad", or his "father"; he will legally be your step-son, nothing else.
You will be doing yourself and your step-son a great injustice by not allowing him to see his real Dad, or Father, or whatever you want to call it.
Be a good person to your step-son, respect him, and treat him as your own, building confidence and liking each other. He will know you love him, and will never hate you for not being his real father. But, NEVER tell him he can't see his real father.
If you treat him with respect, he will love you. Do NOT tell him to call you Dad. If it comes up, tell him to call you anything he likes; let him make a choice.
Keeping your step-son from his real father will backfire on you, and cause very hard feelings in the future.
If you don't believe any of this, watch the well-known TV show, Dr. Phil.; as well as other TV talk shows. Also, talk with a professional family counselor, to get some guidance.
Best wishes,
fredg

[shenda]

Have you ever noticed that the thing you fear most comes upon you, it backs you in a corner, taunts you, demanding a response from you. You will freeze or you will arise and demonstrate the essence of who you are. Your fear is understandable; however, unfounded. The situation has not presented itself and we all know that you will find what you seek after. If you think, perceive this to be a problem, it will; however, if you embrace this child as your own, teach the child respect of self and others, love, peace, appreciation of life, you shall not have anything to fear. Especially, if you can find it in yourself to show respect, honor, and not be found speaking unkindly about the "Dead BEat Dad". The child will always remember that you never spoke ill of the father and will respect you. I am not saying create a fantasy world; however, we really do not know the situation/circumstance this father faces or has faced. Decisions are made, at times without considering consequences; this is unfortunate but likely. AS far as playing favorites, this will play out in your own mind. If you focus less on how the child got here and more on what the child needs and wants with an unconditionally, genuine heart, your stepchild is bound to love you as much, if not more than the original. You will influence this child's perception of you by the way you treat the child, the child's mother and by the type/tone of words spoken concerning the biological father. You do not have to consume yourself with such idle thoughts because your own unborn child has the propensity to disown you; therefore, do not create such an expectant atmosphere. In general, we influence our personal atmosphere according to our level of expectation. Come up hither, live love and be merry