[freaked out]

I feel like I have been through so much so far and I am only 23 I have 2 small kids and I am married but me and my husband have been to hell and back again more then once and I do not know how else to end all this drama excpet by just not being here on earth anymore I know that is selfish but I am so confused see me and my husband have been together for about 9 years and I have chaeted on him many time in the beginning and he can not get over it and we have tried and tried and because of what I have done he has done some stuff too and hit me and is very very verbally abuisve and recently we got into such a big fight he dragged me down the street hanging out of the car window I was pretty badly injured but even after all that I love him so much and I want to be with him I just want him to forgive me and start taking care of his family he does drugs and is addicted to pain killers and never has a job always loses it because of the drugs and I am so tired of it I have tried to leave him but I can't seem to do it I feel like killing myself in a car accident so it does not look like my fault and then he will have to fix his life for our kids and maybe then he will forgive me I need help I am so... I do not even know?? Please help

[Emland]

Do you have parents or other family members that can take you in? You need to get your children out of the violence and drug atmosphere. You feel hopeless because you are living in chaos. There are people out there that will help you. If you don't have family, please go to a woman's shelter - today.

You need to get control over your life. Your kids need you.

[RubyPitbull]

freaked out, you have been given some good information and help in all of your previous posts. Yes, you are right. Killing yourself is a very selfish act.

You really need to think about this for a moment: What makes you think that your husband will straighten out his act and take care of your children properly if you die?

You need to understand something here that is very important. If he can't do it now, while you are alive, why would you think he would suddenly change his ways? People don't change unless they are willing to change to help themselves and the people they are responsible for. That includes your husband. And, it includes you. I know you love your husband. Loving him isn't going to help either one of you. You need to be proactive here and start getting your life on track. If you do, your husband may or may not follow. But, as long as you are enabling him, he will continue on this downward spiral of his.

You are an adult who has chosen to bring children into this world. You have a responsibility to them. The problem with your husband is his drug addiction, not your past indiscretions. He will use your cheating as an excuse not to get himself help. That is what the addictive personality does. And, he will continue to make you feel guilty about it to excuse his behavior until HE finally decides to get help for himself. So, get your butt off yourself pity couch and if you can't start thinking about what is best for you, then you need to think about what is best for your children. What you and your husband have is a dysfunctional marriage. Do you want your children to be in the same position you and your husband are in when they are adults? Children learn what their parents teach them. You and your husband are teaching them that what you are both doing is normal behavior. What is best for your children is not to grow up without a mother and being saddled with a drug addicted father who abused his wife and can't get his act together. What is best for your children is for you to get some help for you and for them. You are in crisis mode and you need to get yourself help NOW. Here are some phone numbers. Pick any one of them and make the call. Any one of these places will help you and can give you information as to where you can get help. No more excuses. No more crying. No more complaining. MAKE THAT CALL NOW.

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-2433
Abuse Victims Hotline: 800-228-7395 after hours: 800-540-9990
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

[RubyPitbull]

By the way freaked out, you need to go back and reread what you wrote to Amber in Stay or Leave, under the Divorce Forum. What happened to the strong woman who wrote that.