[talaniman]

What do they call it when you repeat the same actions over and over, and expect different results?? INSANITY. Sorry but that's brutal honesty.

[kaj675]

I love him and I can't help it. I have to take the risk and see.

[s_cianci]

IHow do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?

You don't. It's as plain and simple as that. Ironically, if you really do care, you may just have to totally back off and forget the whole thing, since it seems that your feelings aren't reciprocated. Otherwise you'll only end up getting burned.

[Haplo]

i love him and i can't help it. i have to take the risk and see.

There's a difference between love, infatuation and obsession.

Love does not make you do things beyond your control. It should not overpower your willpower. Saying you can't help it is your way of absolving yourself of any responsibility for the actions you're taking and the consequences of them.

If you truly loved him, you would want a healthy, loving, growing relationship.

[talaniman]

i love him and i can't help it. i have to take the risk and see.

Given what you have been through haven't you seen enough??

[s_cianci]

I really think you're sabotaging yourself by giving away your power instead of keeping it. You're letting him set the rules instead of setting them yourself. You're hoping he'll come around to what you want and getting angry and resentful when he doesn't. You make statements like "he won't let me move on". The truth is, you make up your own mind to move on and do it. You may lose your "friendship" as a result, but since you're not happy with things the way they are, what are you really losing? As you yourself implied, the longer you keep letting him string you along, the more you miss out on your own life and letting things pass you by. You need to put yourself in the driver's seat and stay there.

[kaj675]

Well he's been at my house two weeks today and everything has been wonderful. He helps around the house, he sat up with me and my sick puppy all night Friday night doing whatever I told him to do. He splits his paycheck with me. He took me to the movies and out to eat and shopping. He's introduced me to his friends, I may be stupid and naïve but I'm hoping this works because I love him and he's sincere when he says he loves me too. He tells me he loves me when we end a phone conversation or when he or I leaves the house because "God forbid something happen to either one of us i want that to be the last thing you hear me say" I know things weren't the way I would have liked them to be in the past with him being with his ex, but things are great now. And I know if he'll do it to her he'll do it to me. But I'm hoping I'm wrong.

[kp2171]

Well, only time will let you know...

Its easy when its easy. Its when the crap hits the fan, then you'll see if he's really willing to not run away again. He was kicked out, with you for two weeks, moved back in to try to work it out, with you again in, what, another week or so? Not saying that he's hasn't decided to change his ways... like I said, only time will tell.

I hope child support is being pulled when you're splitting money, by the way. Good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

Well I'm happy for you. I just hope when you tick him off he does not go running back to the first girl, or take another on the side. Because as he has shown, that is the kind of man he is.

[kaj675]

Everything is still going great. This weekend was wonderful.

[kaj675]

Just wanted to give an update. Everything in our world is wonderful. He took me to his hometown in Louisiana and introduced me to his mother which was a pleasantly surprising. I had no idea where we were going until we got there and it was a total surprise. She and I hit it off very well. Everything else is still wonderful.

[kp2171]

Glad to hear its going well...

Like I said before, its easy when its easy. When the crap hits the fan and he has to deal with some noise, which happens in the best of relationships sooner or later... that's when you'll start to get a sense of how vested he is.

Glad to hear he isn't running off. Eventually, we all get it right, hopefully... and maybe he's finally ready to step up and not play the mental games he's played in the past.

Also, as much as the ex is over the top, I hope he is being a good father, or willing to be a good father to his child. Might not be easy, but he owes it to the baby. The child had no part in the noise that the parents created between themselves.

[kaj675]

Just an update, everything is still going as wonderful as I had hoped. Wish me luck.

[kaj675]

OK I don't want to hear I told you so from anyone that has been in this since the beginning but you all were right. Things were wonderful for awhile now I'm not so sure how this is working out for me. He says he's loves me and that we are going to go far in life. He says he doesn't want anyone else. He took me to his home town and introduced me to friends and family as his wife. I met his parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends. It was amazing. His mother and I hit it off she calls my cell phone now instead of his. We've been there twice and it was great both times. Out of the blue Friday night he says to me is it going to be a problem if I go ride around with my friend for a bit he has to be at work at 12:30 (it was around 10 at the time). I said no have fun. I did not hear from him until Sunday evening at 7pm and all he had to say was last I checked I was grown. I don't get it I still have no idea where he was. I picked him up at his ex girlfriend's house after their baby's 1yr birthday party. And if I say anything about it he balls up and won't say nothing. I don't get it how after all this time and you say you love me could you do that to me. I was worried sick. I didn't know if he had been in a wreck and was dead or what. I told him it was total disrespect. I said when you moved your stuff in my house you took it to a whole different level and this was not acceptable. I don't know what to do.

[Homegirl 50]

You know what you should do, you just don't want to do it. Have him move his stuff out and move back in with his child's mother.

[kp2171]

You get the respect you demand, and sometimes not even that.

You decide what happens to you. You decide what crap you are willing to put up with.

You know the situation. There's just no use in going through all the noise again discussing is he or isn't he in love and what you should do.

Its really that simple. Do you want to live with this? You chose it. You can accept it or not. And don't make it a hell of a lot more complicated. Sometimes you can't be with someone you love. Sometimes you can.

So... again... not sure what you want to hear. Sorry he's reverting back, it seems, to his old ways. There's nothing wrong with what you did. You took a chance. Sometimes you need to take a chance just to know.

Now you know.

Now you get to decide what's next. It really isn't in his hands...

[kaj675]

I know I hear what you're saying and I know deep down I should just say to hell with it, him, us, the whole thing. I wish I had stuck to my guns and never slept with him knowing how attracted I was to him and how he treated other women. If he would do it to them he would dang sure do it to me too. I miss my friend. I wish like hell things could go back like they were. I don't want to lose that part of it but it may come to that and I have no one's to kick but my own. I should have never let my feelings get involved knowing that this kind of lifestyle was not what I wanted for myself. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. I know what I should do but it hurts deep down it hurts. And what makes it even worse is I'm white and he's black. My family knows nothing about him at all. He keeps saying sly little comments like if I say anything about my family he'll say I want to meet them, or when I tell him I love him he'll say, bet you won't tell your mama that. This a whole different gas can adding fuel to the fire. My family is prejudiced KKK type Redneck stuff. If they even thought I was friends with a black female they would disown me. I don't get along with anyone but my mother. I know how she feels about the situation and I don't want to hurt her. But I don't feel like I should put her through the stress of telling her if it's not going to work. I want to know that this is really what I want before I drop the bomb. I don't want all hell to break loose and lose my entire family and the inheritance ($$$$$) that is there and then not have him in the long run either. He says who cares what they think be willing to sacrifice something for me that I act like money is more important. That is not the case. I told them 10yrs ago they couldn't buy my love. But I don't want to lose both and end up with nothing in the end. I will give it up for him but he has to make me believe it's worth it. Right now the way things are it's not anywhere near worth it.

[Homegirl 50]

Girl his race is immaterial. I'm black and I say, so what! He is a two timing man and is not likely to change. He will be taking you through all kinds of changes. As for losing the friendship, he is not your friend. He is a user.
Lose him.

[kp2171]

You say money isn't an issue and you almost sound like you believe it.

As for having him in the long run... you don't have him now.

You are kidding yourself.

You are in love with a guy who isn't giving it back right and who has a history of screwing things up. I know... its his ex's fault. Bullsh!t.

Like I said before... sometimes you got to take chances and risks... and sometimes you just have to bloody yourself up by running into a brick wall a few times before you buy a clue. Been there, done that.

You like him. You have family drama. Well juliet, I'm sorry, but you aren't special.

Everyone thinks their situation is unique... that their love transcends what other people feel and if they only could experience that Special Love that Only You feel then theyd understand and maybe say some nice words and bake you some cookies.

I know. I am an a$$ sometimes. Now is one of those times.

But its not to hurt you for no reason. I just hate to see someone waste time on someone who is not good enough for them. And I've BEEN in a place where I thought if I just tried hard enough... if they just could see how much I care... itd all work out.

Well... Beetles be damned... you need more than love.

If you were my daughter or my sister id give you a hug and tell you to get your head out of your arse. Sometimes you try and screw up.

But your latest post shows you still want to be with him. You are still hanging on. And you still are willing to suffer for him.

Been there. Done that. Until I decided it was too friggin boring to keep doing and then I got my head on right. I hope you do to, sooner than later. We all find our way eventually.

[Homegirl 50]

This guy has played you like a fiddle and is still playing you. Get some sense and some self respect. Put this fool out of you house and out of your life.