[kaj675]

OK so if he is playing me like a fiddle for what? I don't do anything for him I mean I'm not shelling out cash or paying all the bills. So what does he keep on with the charade for? If he doesn't want to be with me then just say it. If he wants to be somewhere else just say it. Why go through the drama. And yes if you go back to the beginning we were really good friends for a couple years before all of this happened. It was a platonic friendship, just to hang out drink together, go play pool, talk, play dominoes. We used to have fun together. Now he is always accusing me of stuff and I'm accusing him of stuff and it's just not any fun anymore. I want things back like they used to be before everything go complicated with feelings. I love him yeah I do and I can't help it. I wish I didn't but I do, the good times are wonderful but the bad times are hell. Now I'm beginning to see why his ex was so "psycho".

[Homegirl 50]

He does all of this because he is a user and a loser. He knew that you will be there to cover for him when he's on the outs with his lady and now he knows you've got the hots for him and are in love with him so he can still use you as a pit stop.
Sometimes things just go sour. If you stay with him, it will be just as it is now because when you added the sex element you started a whole new game. Sometimes love is not enough. Keep your sanity and self respect and dump this guy.

[kaj675]

To homegirl 50, why are you saying pitstop? We've been living together since July. He isn't living anywhere else. Yes this past weekend he left but he came home. He wasn't at the baby mama house the entire time for the weekend and when I picked him up from the birthday party at her house her new man was there as well. So I know there is nothing going on there. They maybe fooling me and her man as well but I don't think so. He takes care of his baby that's it and as far as using me. He's not benefitting himself by staying with me unless it's for the love and affection because that is all he's getting. He pays half of everything and pulls his end of the load. I've been with users, I worked full time and went to school full time and was with a total jerk for 5yrs that never once had a job the whole time we were together. I paid all the bills and took care of everything. That is a user.

[kp2171]

Well instead of being the financial support you are this users mental support.

Different currency. Same result.

[Homegirl 50]

to homegirl 50, why are you saying pitstop? we've been living together since July. he isn't living anywhere else. yes this past weekend he left but he came home. he wasn't at the baby mama house the entire time for the weekend and when i picked him up from the birthday party at her house her new man was there as well. so i know there is nothing going on there. they maybe fooling me and her man as well but i don't think so. he takes care of his baby that's it and as far as using me. he's not benefitting himself by staying with me unless it's for the love and affection because that is all he's getting. he pays half of everything and pulls his end of the load. i've been with users, i worked full time and went to school full time and was with a total jerk for 5yrs that never once had a job the whole time we were together. i paid all the bills and took care of everything. that is a user.

Then what is your problem?
If he is on the up and up stay with him, if you have questions and doubts lose him.
I say pit stop, because that is what he was using you for until his old lady put him out or he left. If you want to stay, that is your choice, but it sounds to me like he is disrespecting you. You don't live with a lady, tell her you love her and then saty out half the weekend with no explanation unless maybe you were tippin with some other lady.

[kaj675]

That's my problem I totally agree with you there about living with someone and saying you love them and then staying gone all weekend with no explanation. I mean he slept some where and it wasn't at our house. I can't figure out why he would do something like that when everything had been going so rosey.

[talaniman]

I can't figure out why he would do something like that when everything had been going so rosey.

If he can't explain himself, why are you there? Reread what you have written about this other female, and his history with you and the ex,(he runs to you when they have a problem) so stop defending him, and see him for what he is a user, who does what he wants at your expense.

[Homegirl 50]

That's my problem i totally agree with you there about living with someone and saying you love them and then staying gone all weekend with no explanation. i mean he slept some where and it wasn't at our house. i can't figure out why he would do something like that when everything had been going so rosey.

Because that is the kind of person he is. He could be telling people that you are crazy and running him off which is why he was with whoever he was with. He did this with the other lady, running to you. That is his MO. He is a loser and a user. Lose him.

[kp2171]

Listen, its not like this guy is the scum of the earth... despite our low opinion of him. He isn't physically beating you. He just sounds like he is mentally screwed on what a commitment is... and he has a history that shows, regardless of who he is with, he just isn't willing, ready, or able to step up to the plate consistently.

So you are with a "good" guy who has issues that could, maybe be resolved, or not, leading to a good relationship, or not.

And before his ex was the psycho. Now that he's treating you less than you'd like, you are the one getting a little "mental" for all the head games. Suddenly she seems a little more justified in her frustrations, perhaps.

So you've invested 3+ years into this friendship and 3-4 months now into an attempt at a relationship. We put up with crap sometimes because sometimes it seems easier to deal with a familiar source of noise than dealing with starting from scratch. He's a bit of a known quantity, and with a few "adjustments" he might be a good mate.

But you just cannot force it at all. He might switch today or next week or never.

And PLEASE do NOT play the victim here... that you are in love and you just can't help it. Then change your definition of love. Your standards should be higher.

I was in love with a woman who cheated on me. Absolutely in love. Then it happened, twice. Guess what? I tossed the woman I loved out and moved on. I had a choice. It wasn't what I desired, but it was what I needed.

Being in love is no excuse for accepting poor behavior in a mate.

So... as has been said already... he's a known quantity. If you stay with him its time to be quiet and take what you get. When you choose to stay you choose the treatment. You cannot whine about it if you aren't willing to do anything about it.

He's not scum of the earth... but he sounds like he's not on the same page... if its this hard now, its not going to get any easier. And really, I don't think its anywhere near as bad as its going to get if you stay.

[kaj675]

OK here's the update. He left last Saturday and didn't come home or call until 12 Sunday I asked him if he had any plans of coming home he said yes. I waited until 10pm and called him and he acted agitated so I left it alone. He finally called me at 2am saying he couldn't deal with all of this that he was going to move to califormia. I went and picked him up like a dumb a@@ and he came home got even more agitated with me because I wanted to know why he was moving to California. He deleted all of his numbers out of his phone that I let him use and gave it back to me and got what he could carry and took off walking. He calls the next day wanting the rest of his clothes. We agreed to talk things out and try to work on our relationship. He says I act like we're married and I said he acted like we were roommates. We agreed that to make this work we needed to come to a happy medium and not ruin our friendship even if the relationship didn't work out. He was supposed to come to my house at 8 he never showed up then at 11 he called and said he and his baby mama were coming together to pick up his stuff. I went off. He shows up with her then the next morning after he drops her off at work comes to my house saying that he still loves me and this is tearing him apart but he doesn't want to lose his son and as long as he's with me it's just going to make it hell to even see him because he's "with the white girl that don't give a damn about him" so I get his id in the mail and I called to tell him that I had it. She gets on the phone screaming at me about calling her phone that she doesn't call my phone. I told her everything I've wanted to tell her for the last three years. She tells me to come get him then he gets on the phone saying he's going to kill me. Then the next day I'm trying to get gas at the nearest grocery store from my job and she just so happens to work across the street and she sees me and comes across the street like he-man and tries to push my car over. She falls down in the middle of the street. After she goes back in her job he comes across the street saying he was sorry about the night before that he still loves me and a bunch of blah blah blah and not to be surprised if one day he ain't with her and she shows up at my house trying to axe my door in. I gave him his id and stuff and haven't heard a word from him since. I called the police that night and filed a report. I have some protection now though. I told the detective that if she did come she better call 911 before she gets there because she's going to need them worse than I do. So it's officially over. I did more than my fare share to make it work and try to help a friend that I cared dearly about. It was all shattered in one day friendship and all. I just can help feeling so stupid. I mean was it totally my fault. I mean what gave him the right to do some crap like that when he knew how I felt about him. I have never felt so stupid in all my life.

At least I have something to keep my mind off it. I met a guy in June but was getting really close to this jerk so I didn't really pay any attention to him. He sends me roses to work, sends me sweet emails all through the day, has tons of money, and thinks I'm the grandest thing since sliced bread, even goes to church and he's white so my family would approve of him. I prayed to God to bring someone into my life that would love me as much as he does Him. I guess God knows what he's doing and has to shut one door for another to open. When me and the jerk got really close I thought for some odd reason it was God's doing but they say Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I'm not rushing into anything with this new guy but he seems like just what the doctor ordered. Thanks to all of you who tried to make me see the light before it blew up in my face. Live and learn that's all I can say. I'm trying not to beat myself up because just like my friend says you did a whole lot more than you should have and one day he will see what he lost and he will try to come back.

[kp2171]

i met a guy in june but was getting really close to this jerk so i didn't really pay any attention to him. he sends me roses to work, sends me sweet emails all through the day, has tons of money, and thinks i'm the grandest thing since sliced bread, even goes to church and he's white so my family would approve of him. i prayed to God to bring someone into my life that would love me as much as he does Him. i guess God knows what he's doing and has to shut one door for another to open. when me and the jerk got really close i thought for some odd reason it was God's doing but they say Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

Glad the other guy is out the door... though we all know here that the End isn't necessarily the end in this thread.

BUT... two things I've just gotta say.

First... the fact you just have to jump into this new relationship speaks volumes. You just cannot be alone and you aren't willing to face yourself and the issues that you have. You chose to be in a relationship that had red flags from day one. Taking some time to figure yourself out is the first thing you should do.

Second... I hate it when people use God as an excuse. My wife's brother and his ex did this all the time. When things didn't work out they said it was "God's will"... uh, NO.

I'm pretty sure God's will ISNT for you to make dumb, dumb decisions over and over and over. You aren't designed to have your head up your arse, but here we are...

Please, please, please... do NOT use your faith and your God as an excuse. Fine to believe God has "provided" you with an opportunity at another relationship... what? You think you never had this choice all along? So which chapter or verse were you following when the post was about how to make friends with benefits work??

Ungh.

Look... I really, really wish you well. I really hope things work out perfectly. Honestly.

But you are blaming or designating all around you for the things that happen in your life... the ex boyfriend and the exs ex are the source of misery.. the new guy is heaven on earth... and God is shining His Light upon you...

What about you?

Until you take time to relfect on yourself... until you understand on a fundamental level what the hell just happened and you can make sense of the car wreck you chose... I think you are just setting yourself up for failure.

Or not. Sometimes something right can help you turn the corner. Maybe I should be happier for you.

I'm just skeptical. Id say the same things to my best friend. I'm irish and not known for holding back words. I also love my friends to death and am more than willing to step out of line when its needed.

So please. If you must jump into another relationship without really facing yourself alone, take it slow. Figure out why you allowed yourself to be treated the way you were BY YOURSELF. The ex might have done the deeds, but you let it all happen... and not being too hard on yourself is just a way to avoid facing your mistakes.

And I suppose I can't define your relationship with God any more that I can make you take the advice you were given months ago... but id suggest not placing all relationships in the Blessed By God category. You are flailing to find ways to prop up relationships.. ways to make them better than they are. Its fine to be grateful for all the Lord has given you... start with common sense.

[kaj675]

I hear what you're saying and you're right I don't want to be alone. I'm not saying that I'm moving in with the guy tomorrow. I'm just saying that I'm spending quality time on something meaningful now. Before I felt like I was headed 90mph towards a brick wall with no intentions of hitting the brakes. I knew that I needed to stop but I don't know what it was and why I wanted it to work. And I crashed. Now I feel like I'm cruising down a country lane breathing fresh air. That's the difference. Had I paid attention to him before I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. This guy has hopes and goals and dreams in life just like me. Where t all he really cared about was where his next beer and cigar was coming from. The sex was the only thing that was good and before it got all complicated we had a good friendship I could count on him to do whatever when I couldn't count on anyone else. I'm still hurting over that but this new guy can give me what I need and want and deserve in life where t couldn't.

[kp2171]

No person can give you what you really need in life... it starts with yourself. If you constantly look to others to make you happy you end up putting up with the kind of crap you've put up with so far... I don't think it's a reach.

But enough preaching. Its getting boring saying you might be taking the wrong steps. Yes, healthy relationships make our lives better. But man... you've already made this next guy The Man to Make Your Life Better, Happy, and Shinier. I don't get it, but that's OK. I don't have to. Hope it all works out in the end.

[kaj675]

I mean don't we all want to settle down and get married and have a family of our own. That's what I want in life. I knew me and t were never going to be what I wanted to have for myself as bad as I wanted to think that there was a slim chance that it would work. I was only kidding myself. I knew he was never going to be what I wanted for myself. I wish now that I hadn't wasted so much time and spent more time working on something that had a little potential like I said I would have saved myself heartache. Everything that I've ever wished for in finding a man I've found in this new guy. I'm not rushing this we spend hours on the phone and on line talking. He is out of the country on business at the moment but we've both decided that we are going to take things slow date and see how things turn out. I believe there is someone out there for everyone and if you seek ye shall find. I don't know right now if he's the one but I'm going to give him a chance and see. I want a house, two car garage, picket fence, two kids, dog and be able to live life comfortable. I would have never gotten any of that with t and I know this. He didn't care what lied ahead. I can't live for the moment of right now. As bad as I wanted to be able to have these things with him I knew in the back of mind it was never going to work. I miss our friendship but I'm glad it's over. And I can accept the fact that he wasn't the one for me and move on.

[dmlegal]

I have a friend that has been living with a girl for 4years plus, they have an 8mth old baby. This girl is a little on the psycho side, putting him out, burning all of his things, one day everything is rosey and the next day it's hell. We have been friends for 3years and I have been through a lot with him. Everytime she puts him out, I pick up the pieces. He has been at my house for the last two weeks basically because he had no where to go, no family in this city. I care about him a lot. Up until now it's been a platonic friendship, we've just helped each other out. Since he's been at my house, we've been sleeping together which I know in the back of my mind there's a good chance he will go back to what he calls his ex. I've told him that my feelings were getting involved and he said nothing but acts like he wants more. I come home and the house is spotless, we curl up on the couch and watch tv, he helps me with my puppy, but i didn't push the issue because I know what he went through and I know he didn't want to jump out of one relationship into another. This girl he met at a friend's house last week has been calling and calling and calling he tells me to answer his phone and tell her he's not there. He calls me yesterday and asks me to come pick him up from her house that he got stranded but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so wants me to call him and make a cock and bull story so he can get away. It backfires and he says to me this isn't going to work. I'm pissed off because he knows how I feel about him but he's cock blocking against me. I had a guy I was casually dating but doesn't want to come over when my friend is here because he thinks in the back of his mind that there is something going on. It's like he doesn't want to be with me but he's not making it easy for me to say i'm available to anyone else. This girl calls me last night at midnight wanting to know where her man was. I was like excuse me, I just don't get it. If you wanted a girlfriend then what the hell was wrong with me. He thinks that he can have his cake and eat it too that i'll always be around for a good lay and he's got another thing coming. I dont want to ruin our friendship or the benefits either. How do you keep your feelings out of it when you really do care?

Garbage in, Garbage out. It does not matter how you feel. If he is a creep, he will always be a creep. If that is what you want, get use to it.

[kaj675]

Please read the full story before you post.

[kaj675]

Well it's been awhile since I posted. Just wanted to let you all know that everything is going good for me now. He's still with his baby mama, miserable but that his own personal problem now. We still talk occasionally on the phone and hang out but I've been dating a really sweet guy that I met about 1mth and 1/2 ago. He and t have met and they get along as well. My new beau treats me like a queen, he has a job, a car, his own place. That's a real step up from t who didn't have anything. Thanks for all your support and encouragement. Wish me luck. I'm not rushing into anything with my new guy but it looks very promising.

[Homegirl 50]

I'm glad to hear that.
You deserve better. Don't ever settle for less.
Best wishes

[kaj675]

I've got a new motto I think everyone should hear.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

I don't know where it came from or who said it but it's wisdom!!

[kp2171]

Glad the other guy is out of the picture. You spent a lot of time and energy in a relationship that was questionable. Happens to all of us in some degree.

The concern I always had was you seemed to be quick to jump into a new relationship before (the other guy waiting in the wings) without really dealing with why you put up with all the noise. First it was the baby's mama's fault. Then his. And somewhere in there its yours too, as you choose to stay in a bad situation even when you were told to step back.

So learn some lessons about yourself and what to do differently next time. Not saying you can't work out the baggage of an old relationship while starting a new one... you just need to make sure you don't fall into the same traps. If you don't understand why you were spending so much energy on a bad situation, then you can easily make the same mistakes again.

Glad he's in the past. Hope he stays there. Glad you moved on.