[freaked out]

I am certainly trying my hardest I just feel so lonely and sad and depressed... I know having sex with him was just a moment of weakness I feel like crap for it

[J_9]

Don't feel like crap for the past, you can't change the past. BUT you CAN change the future.

Get rid of his email address, don't take his calls, and by ALL MEANS don't sleep with him. You see how he is continuing to control you?

[kanicky73]

That is good that you feel like crap about it. Don't allow yourself to feel that way again. Right now is the time that you should be focusing on what makes you feel good and what makes you feel proud. Work on yourself from the inside out, spend more time with your kids. Do little projects with them. Start an exercise program, start walking. Take up a hobby, cooking with the kids etc. You can do this sweety!!

[freaked out]

Thank you I really admire you and believe it or not I am listening and I will do better and I will find a guy that will treat me good I think I just need to not be looking because that is my problem I feel like I always have to have someone to feel good and that's not true so thank you so much for eveythng I will keep you updated

[J_9]

What you don't understand Freaked, is that you don't need to find a guy that will treat you good. Right now you don't need a man in your life at all. You need to work on you and your children.

Considering what you and they have been through, it would be to the advantage to all of you to focus on you and them, NO MEN in your lives whatsoever for quite a while.

Get yourself into counseling, get them into counseling. Get healthy and the right man will find you.

[freaked out]

I know I just do not know how to get my mind in that state I am having such a hard time but I understand what your saying and I totally agree and I WILL do it...
Thanks

[freaked out]

See I am already having problems he just called me and left me a message about how is having a hard time and he wants to kill himself and he wants to die without me and that makes me feel so sad and it makes me feel sorry for him I know I shouldn't but what do I do??

[J_9]

You ignore it. This is a ploy used by the abuser to make you feel sorry and to remain in control. This is part of the circle of abuse. They are sorry... they'll kill themselves... they'll never do it again.

This is all part of the illness and you have to separate yourself from that and realize that if it hasn't changed in the past, why would it now? It won't. Plain and simple, it won't change.

This is one way in which the abuser (him) keeps tight control on the abusee (you). It is called the sympathy card or the sympathy factor. They tug at your heart strings, they threaten.

You may be best to change your phone number to an unlisted number.

[freaked out]

OK what if he really kills himself?? Then what do I do and how am I supposed to feel ?

[J_9]

Most likely he won't. This is part of the manipulation that abusers use so that they get you to come back to them.

[LearningAsIGo]

Quickly, please act quickly.

You want to get over him? Please leave him ASAP for the sake of you and your children. Getting over him will happen over time but only if you distance yourself so you can see the situation more clearly.
Trust me. I'm a person who grew up watching my dad behave exactly as your husband is. Even pulling my mom by her arm behind a moving car, and other things. This "man" could have killed and you he doesn't care. His problems are bigger than you can fix, so you MUST leave and protect your children and yourself. THAT is your JOB to do as a mother. I say this from the bottom of my heart: You DO NOT want your children to grow up like this. I'm ashamed to admit this, but as an adult, I do not only blame my father for being abusive. I put some blame on my mother for sticking around and putting us all through it. She wanted to help him, but she never stopped to help herself or her children, so WE paid the price. Don't let him do something to you or your kids that you'll regret~ THAT will be yours to live with if something happens to the kids or if they are left without a mother. I was actually kidnapped and kept by my father... I don't want you and your kids to endure that.

Contact the police and a women's shelter. They will remove you to a safe location, and please don't go to your mother's or any other place he will know how to find you.

God Bless.

[kanicky73]

You can not ever control any one else's actions. If he has made up his mind that he wants to commit suicide the only thing you can do is notify the authorities. They will go over there and probably take him to a facility to be watched for 24 hours. Please keep this in mind, statistics have proven that most people who intend to commit suicide and succeed usually do not tell someone about it. He is simply looking for attention from you because he feels you pulling away. He will get through this as will you. If you continue to stay strong he will soon follow suit.

[freaked out]

How do I get over this pain I feel without him it hurts so much I can not stop thinking about him and crying and thinking about the good times we had and hom much Ilove him?? I am so sad I feel like I can not breath

[J_9]

Have you looked into counseling? You really should. I know very few abused women who get over something of this magnitude alone. You really need a professional to help you overcome the damage that this monster has caused you.

Many agencies provide sliding scale fees based on your income. You can also try a local university where many of the therapies are free or very low cost. Check with a woman's shelter in your area, they have an abundant amount of information and help available for women like you.

[bushg]

see I am already having problems he just called me and left me a message about how is having a hard time and he wants to kill himself and he wants to die without me and that makes me feel so sad and it makes me feel sorry for him i know I shouldnt but what do i do????????

This is exactly what he is counting on. He will do or say anything to get you back. Please do not fall for it. You can not save him, you must take care of yourself and your children. He is a grown man and has to make his own choices.

[nicespringgirl]

I think YOU need help!
And start listening your family and friends now, everyone who is normal will tell you leave him. ANYONE!

[tawnynkids]

I am sure you have heard this right: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Really think about it. Love is not a feeling. Love is actions. When someone loves you they are doing all of the above. When someone loves themselves they treat themselves the same way. Is running you over with a car anywhere in the above? No, he is not loving you. Is doing drugs loving? No, he is not loving himself.

He can not possibly love you, much less your children, he doesn't even love himself. First you need to seek counseling, second you need to take the appropriate court actions to get him out of your life and your children's life and third you need to stop any contact with him until you have done the above.

Somewhere down deep inside maybe he is a great guy. But that is not who he is being. Have pity on the man, fine, but have no pity for his actions. And he is choosing those actions. You are not responsible for his well being, nor can you help or save him. He has to do that for himself. You can not.

Stay strong, start loving yourself and your kids. And expect nothing less for yourself and your kids. Blessings.

[kanicky73]

Hi there Freaked Out!! Sorry I have not been around in a while. Had lots of stuff going on. Please tell me that you are doing wonderful and things are great?? You have not spoke to him right? He is out of your life right?

[NeedKarma]

FYI - freaked out hasn't posted here in over a year.

[kanicky73]

Well that isn't a very good sign is it?