[samesame]

Okay, I'll try to summarize this as best as possible.

My G/F of 4 years broke up with me the beginning of April. I'm 27, she's 32. Things had been declining in the affection department 2 months prior and she was stressed out doing her masters degree, which began in Jan. That was a big factor for her with stress etc. We had also been fighting for about 3 years on and off because she had been keeping things from me about her past and I would always push the issue to try and get the whole story. Really it wasn't that bad, only we were both insecure and immature in dealing with it so it only made things (ie. Fights) worse every time it came up. Anyway, in Feb. everything finally blew up because she came from the Doctors only to find out she had chlamydia. I had never had unprotected sex before her and I never cheated on her. She was in a relationship for 7 years prior to me with some guy that really got around. I knew it didn't come from me. Cheating on her part is a maybe, but I truly do not believe that. I went to the doc and my test came back negative, so it could have been a misdiagnosis, but anyway, it was a bit scary at the time and did force us to bring out everything to do with both our pasts. And at that point we had a really raw conversation about everything to do with the past relationships... both hers and mine... it left an empty numb feeling for both of us. The romance at that point I think died.

So after that, the distance grew with affection and intimacy but we continued to speak of marriage and buying a place together and kids in the near future. Actually, that Jan. I had just come back from spending New Years with her and her whole family back in her home country. That was a big step, and both her and I were excited about the future together. But March comes along and the fights escalate every time we see each other, for stupid little things that aren't important. Then April she says lets go our own ways. I agree and do no contact for 2 months. Then I invite her to my b-day. She shows up, has fun, but when I ask her to get back together she refuses. Then we go to dinner a week later. Same thing, have fun, but as friends. I didn't bring up the relationship. Then her b-day comes around mid June. I send her flowers; she calls and says thanks but doesn't invite me anywhere. I call her end of June and said I wanted to talk about the relationship. I go to her house and we spend 4 hours talking. She says she doesn't want to get back. Doesn't feel the same way, and she's happy where she is in life right now. She just bought a new car, finished her school until the fall, is looking into buying a condo, and plans on traveling quite a bit. And, she made it clear that she wanted to do all these things on her own.

So after that I send a few desperate text messages and emails, and this is the last that she responded to me on July 10...

"Thank you for this email. Everything you say is so beautiful and yes I
loved you wholly and truly and I still do. It is not that I don't want
to hear from you...that is far from the truth. I care deeply about you
and it is very important to me to know how you are and it kills me to
know that I'm making you feel this way :(

Please know that I am here for you...right now I can't be like it used
to be but I am here...I would never turn my back on you...I care much to
much to do that and you do have a special place in my heart and you
always will no matter what happens. You changed my life in an amazing
way and for that I am so grateful. I have not regretted once meeting you
and falling in love with you. I wish we had done some things differently
but that is part of the growth process. Our only fault is that we let it
go for too long.

Please do not keep blaming yourself, we both made mistakes. I
should have been stronger and more honest and open with you. I hate
myself for not doing that but I'm learning to be very honest about what
I feel and not be afraid of that or be afraid of what those I love might
think. This is the process I'm going through and I just feel its
something I need to do on my own...I'm sorry for that because I have
days, the hard days when I truly wish I could just run back but I know
deep in my heart it's not the right way to start right again. I don't
know if that makes any sense?

You are one of the most incredible people I know, I've told you this
before and it is not to make you feel better it is truly how I feel. I
could never talk badly of you or think badly of you...even after the bad
we have been through. You are incredible and I feel nothing but lucky
and privileged to have experienced life the way we did. I do miss our
moments together...just today I was thinking of the last time we went
away...I miss that!

You have a wonderful life to live because of who you are and I
wish you could focus on you and living that life for you. I do hope one
day we are able to start over with all the right steps forward but for
now we have to learn to live for ourselves...I don't know how to do that
yet and I truly believe that is what will make me a better person to
live with if that makes any sense?

xoxoxo"

What does this mean? I know there's nothing I can do now, that's why I'm just doing no contact. But is there a next step? Do I ever contact her again? Even to see how she's doing or do I walk away and leave it up to her? Any ideas? I love this girl so much and I truly feel she is the one. Other than some insecurities on both our parts with things we had no control over, everything was perfect. We had amazing chemistry... not only physical, but mental. After 4 years we could still just sit at a table, sip coffee and talk for hours and never get bored. We both really enjoy each others company. She even told me she could live with me forever and be happy, just right now her hearts not in it... she doesn't feel that spark. This is killing me. Some days are better than others, but I still feel like I'm falling apart. What should I do next?

Thanks for listening and any advice.

[SAB123]

Sounds like she has old issues she needs address without you. She is confused mabey feeling guilty about something. I would not contact her. Move on and heal yourself. Maybe one day she will contact you and perhaps start over. But my advise move on without her. You are going to hurt for very long time. My ex broke up with me over 5 months ago and I still hurt but I can see improvement every week. And you will to once you let go and live your life without her.

[samesame]

Thanks Sab123, I think you're right about the old issues. I just have this feeling though that she's including me with those old issues that she's trying to step away from. Also I'm worried that maybe she's not confused or really is not "in love" with me no more. I guess my plan so far is to keep on with my own life, have no contact and see if maybe she will figure it out on her own.

How long did you and your ex date for?

[SAB123]

How long did you and your ex date for?

My ex fiancé and I where together for almost 5 years. And she has broken up with me at least 6 times.

[s_cianci]

Her reluctance to talk about her past should have been a red flag all along. Any time someone shows signs of keeping things from you, beware. Unfortunately I think her latest e-mail to you is a lot of "sweet nothings", if you get my drift. She may be keeping you in the wings as a backup plan and I certainly hope you won't allow that to happen. She has other fish to fry right now and is therefore neither interested in nor a good prospect for a relationship. Forget about her and move on. Build your own life, with the understanding that it isn't going to include her. SHe's doing her own thing and you've got to do the same.

[mckenzie134]

Sorry to hear this bro but from an outside point of view that letter or mail she sent you is an absolute load of crap. I know what you will do you will pick all the great points out and that part about how she was think of the times you guys went away together, yeah sure she was but she was just thinkinghow much fun she probably had, girls are likethis they do and she is probably true hen she mentions those things but that does not mean she wants you and wantsto be with you that is very far from he truth... One problem mate is that in 2 months time she could bewith another guy I have seen this happen so often and then you will start saying but I thoughtyou wanted time on our own to grow nad so fourthand she will say it just happened. Believe me!!

The bestthingyou can do is never contact her again and if she contacts you then you are a chance. That is the only way because no matter wha she says she will adventually meet someone else and I knowshe says I don't what anyoneat the moment that is alie she maybelieve that but eveyone wants someoneo be there for them. SHE JUST DOESBNT WAT YOU BUT FEELS SO BAD ABOUT TELLINGYOU CAUSE SHE KNOWS SE WILL UPSET YOU...

THIS IS THE TRUTH I HOPYOUCAN SEEIT AS HAR AS IT IS. My ex of 3/12 years said how much she loved me neededa break, she had no onesaid she depended on me and neeedto workon herselfto be confident she coulsurvive on her own . She was 22 and said she wished she was single for longer met her when she was 18 3 monhs later she is in another relationship!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER WANTINGO B SINGLE DOR LONGER. SORYMTE BUT YOU CANTBLIEVEANYTHING... THIS ISTRUE

[AKaeTrue]

Unfortunately, as an outsider looking in, I see the letter as being an easy let down.

[Sdjosh]

Same thing happened to me. Its just something she has to do. Its crazy... and sucks so bad when this happens. Everything just kind of falls apart and you want an explanation. But there is nothing you can do at this point.

Just like in my situation. She had to get out on her own... had to deal with her demons. And like you I was lumped in with the things that had to go. All you can do is let her be her. Let her figure out who and what she wants. But look at it this way... do you want to be with a girl who doesn't have her baggage taken care of? It will be one hell of a ride for you emotionally. You will be living a chaotic life. Its better to let her go and do it on her own.

If you want to be there as a friend then be there... but I'm not going to lie. I chose this route and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. We would talk almost everyday for the first 4 months. We managed to stay friends... but I cried every night for the first 5 months. In the 5th month she finally felt like she was in a place where she felt happy... and she realized that I wasn't part of the bad things in her life. Here it is the 10th month we have been apart and she wants me to be in her life... to be hers again.

She just needs her space and some time. It may not work in your favor but if you play it cool you never know what could happen.

Best advice... I give it to everyone. Do you... do your hobbies... make new ones. Hang out with your friends. But the point is to get you back to a place where you are happy... confident... which is one of the things that she was attracted to in the first place.

Besides... whats the point of dating and being in a relationship if you're not having fun

[talaniman]

For whatever reason if it don't fit don't force it, as you both have issues that are better handled alone. Move on and concentrate on your own life.

[Ash123]

Nope, unfortunately You CANNOT contact her.

When a woman talks about getting out of a relationship
She sometimes wants a reason to stay... this is only when a guy is barely paying attention to her and she is crying for attention... this is NOT your situation.

This woman wants AIR. Grant it... she MAY come back (and that may or may be a good thing) but it will be many months... And any contact prior will ensure she is GONE.
My guess is that No Contact is all you can do and it will lead to a new woman in your life... not back to the old one... preserve your dignity - and do 100% NC... it takes 90 days
To totally clear one's head most of the time, so get started. Get a calendar if you need.

Cheers!

[Inspired]

I am a woman and after reading her email this is what I think:

1. She still misses you but has realized that you two are not meant to be right now.

2. Even though she misses you, she wants to be alone and discover life by herself.

3. She feels that you two had problems that should have been addressed sooner. She may be feeling that she wasted too much time because the problems should have broken you two up faster.

4. She wants to be alone. The email is not a let down but a closure. She is basicallly saying that she loves you but is not in love with you.

[mckenzie134]

She is going to miss you, but at the moment she does not want you that's simple. Give her space and she may change her mind and realise she lost a greatguy from her life...

[Jiser]

I don't think you can be in love with someone and not be in love with them... Kinda contradictory? I think its more a case of she cares for him but no longer has those strong romantic feelings and is not willing to work or continue on the relationship any longer. She wants to be alone and deal with whatever she needs to, whether that is seeing new people or sorting her career or life out. Who knows. But at any rate best to stick at NC and let time fly. You have to treat is a blessing and look at the pro's you possibly have now.

[Inspired]

Jiser

What I meant is that you can have a love for someone because you spent time with them, etc, but that does not mean you are IN LOVE with them. Maybe "care for someone" is a better term. She will always have a deep care for him, but she's not in love with him anymore.

[samesame]

Thanks everyone for all the advice and kind words. It's been 12 days since she sent me that last email and since our last contact. I made it for 2 months with no contact in April-May, I think because in the back of my head I thought there was still hope because we would see each other again because of our b-days and she would finish school, so I guess I kind of built up false hope that during that time she would want me back. However, during that time she only became stronger and got over me. She even told me she never had any doubt that in our time apart she had made the right decision by ending the relationship. But now there's no next step and no more hope to look forward to so I feel a different loss than before. It's a truly empty feeling. 12 days has passed and today I am at a low. I know there is nothing I can do and I must move on but the idea that I will never see her again still kills me.

I'm going to continue with the no contact for now and see how I feel two months at a time (and I know it's wrong, but I say this with all hope in the back of my mind that she will contact me sometime between then with a change of heart).

But is it possible that she could just be confused? I think you guys are right when you say that she cares for me but is not “in love” with me any more. Because when a person is in love with someone at a particular moment, no distractions, no obstacles, and no new challenge in life will change that, but at the same time it can change the priority of things and/or kind of mask or veil feelings can't it? I mean if you look at all the difficulties we faced in such a short time, plus the old issues, while at the same time she's in a position where her life is taking a drastic change for the better and she is achieving things and becoming successful on her own in ways she dreamed of since I've known her, could that "confuse" someone. In other words, is there a chance she is still “in love” with me, but the strength of that love has been smothered by the challenges and joy she is experiencing independently at this stage in her life? In other words is she just on a high right now?

I know time will ultimately answer that question but I mean does anyone else have any experience with that? I just find it hard to believe that after 4 years of this girl being completely madly in love and attracted to me that all of a sudden within a few weeks of hardships and distance it could just turn off forever. It just doesn't make sense. Like in June when we went out that few times, I tried to kiss her a few times to see if it would bring out any feelings in her and she completely refused it. Refused and rejected any jesture or terms of affection that were any more than on the "friend" level. I know we're not dating and I shouldn't have expected anything other than that, but at the same time we're not just friends. Last time I saw her she even said I can't be friends with you because I could never take hearing or seeing you with someone else. So did she do this because she's not attracted to me and just doesn't feel it and is trying not to lead me on, or is it because she's built up this defensive shield because she's afraid of going backwards?

[Inspired]

I don't think she's confused. You had said in the email that for the last 3 yrs you guys would fight because she would keep things from you about her past. What type of things? Maybe she is the type of person that does not like to talk about things and gets over them faster when she internalizes them. Maybe the fights got to her. I am not sure the reason but please do not get down on yourself. I know its never easy feeling how a person whom you spent every day with for 4 yrs can just seem to get over you. I know you have days when you wake up in the morning in shock thinking of the sweet things you guys did together and how she could just forget them. Its not that she just forgot. I think that she is just very different from you and seems that she had some things in the past that she was not completely over. I think she just wants to be alone now maybe to work on herself. Please take care of yourself and don't dwell on it too much. Easier said than done, I know but go out with friends, work out, stay busy.

[mckenzie134]

I felt the same way after my 3 1/2 year girlfriend ended it and well we had no problems, se even told meshe still loved me and all. She neded time and I couldn't give it to her. Now four months on she spoke to me and said she knows she did the wrong thing by me but just broke up with me cause she didn't like me in the end. Well she even said you did nothing wrong, so really you can never listen to what they say, I ended up getting told that crap, the only reason she doesn't like me is cause I probably chased her away. Who knows the less you talk the less confusion. By the way only one ay toget her back, if she wats to come back she will let you know...

[samesame]

Every relationship faces obstacles though that people have to work out, and every person has issues that they have to work out on their own too, because we're constantly changing and growing as people. So taking that into consideration, what does all this say about relationships in general? Are we all doomed? If someone can just change their feelings like a light switch then what hope is there for ever finding a healthy, loving, long-lasting relationship (ie. Marriage)?

[Inspired]

samesame
She didn't change her feelings in the flick of a lightswitch. I know it feels that way because our mind plays tricks on us. When we are down/depressed, our mind goes to the complete negative extreme. I think her feelings changed gradually. Maybe she might of dropped hints before (try to think of the hints even though its painful). We are not all doomed. I think that in this day and age it is hard to have a marriage last forever because some people are too selfish and are not willing to compromise. It is also hard to find someone that you get along with so well. It will happen but it just takes time.

[samesame]

Yes, you are right. Their were hints here and there. But okay, it may not have been overnight, but it was still pretty quick for a complete detachment. I know the situation got worn down with everything going on in the 2-3 months prior to the break up. She was also under a lot of stress with school/work/time, and I and the relationship wasn't helping. And prior to that, yes, it did gradually deteriorate over time because of the constant fighting, however, the love was still strong, it's just when the fights came they got worse because we never really resolved anything. Finally this last fight in Feb. was the big one, but I feel we finally overcame many things and now we just needed to heal and grow stronger from it. But I guess it had the opposite effect for her - the last straw. And maybe she's emotionally drained and had enough. I don't know. I'm still confused and probably will be for a while because I miss her lots, and still have a shread of hope (which I know is wrong) that maybe with time she will get that feeling back.