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quiero_matarme · Jul 18, 2007, 01:28 PM

Hi everyone, my story is so sad. If you can't take this, better not read this!
I really have a reason that I want to die. Since when I was a little boy, there were some rumors that I was gay. Don't know how that came up, it may be my behavior or something... I've lived all my life being teased at school by all people. This last year I thought that everything changed, because no one seemed to know these rumors at my new school (although there was a kid that really hated me, and I don't know why). But now that it's summer my friend started to behave a little weird. He was avoiding me, making me feel bad an lonely. He's the only good friend I have. So I went to his house to explain me everything. He started telling me that everyone thought I was gay and he didn't want to get the same "label" too. That hurted me soooo much that I went for a walk crying, and I couldn't stand the pain. I ended up here posting this question. My parents don't seem to know about it and I don't want to lose my friend. Life is so unfair... I was thinking that everything was at last OK, but now it seems that the whole world knew about it and the only one that didn't know it was me.
I guess I'll never be able to live a normal life... and don't say that I will, because really, if they find something "gay" on me now, they will for ever...

J_9 · Jul 18, 2007, 01:30 PM

Firstly, how old are you? We need to know this so that we can help you better.

quiero_matarme · Jul 18, 2007, 01:38 PM

Well, I'm 16 and from Greece. Ur so quick, I've seen other posts of yours. Thanks for your interest

J_9 · Jul 18, 2007, 01:40 PM

Well, hun, dying is NOT the answer. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

quiero_matarme · Jul 18, 2007, 01:44 PM

I don't think my prob is temp. This gay think will keep following me all of my life, destroying it... don't know, what will I do when I go to the army for example? I won't be strong enough to take all this humiliation again... anyway, no one cares about a sad greek boy I guess

shygrneyzs · Jul 18, 2007, 01:48 PM

I would hope you talk to your parents about your feelings and why you feel like dying is your only answer. If they do not know, they cannot help you and they cannot read your mind. Dying is not the answer to deal with life. I know rumours can be vicious and the harm they produce lasts a long time. That is why you really need to talk to someone about what is going on. Hopefully your parents will get you to see a doctor and a counselor. You should not have to deal with these feelings all by yourself.

Do these boys tell you why they think you are gay? You said something about your "behaviors" - can you identify those behaviors? Are they anything different from anyone else? Have you ever spoken to your teacher or school counselor or school nurse? There are people out there who can honestly help you. Being bullied and teased should not be allowed and you have a rightful expectation of being protected from that kind of harassment. But you have to speak up and let people know how much you are hurting.

Good luck to you.

J_9 · Jul 18, 2007, 01:48 PM

Wait, who are these people to dictate who you are? You got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and show them the REAL you. Who cares what anyone else thinks. They are the ones with the problems if they have to pick on others to make themselves feel better. They are the losers NOT you.

You see, people who feel bad about themselves try to hurt others so that they can feel better. It may have nothing to do with you.

If you are gay, so what, who cares? If you aren't just ignore them, they will grow up someday and be very ashamed of what they did.

And yeah, I care about a greek boy.

quiero_matarme · Jul 18, 2007, 02:02 PM

Thanks for your answers, I didn't expect you to be that quick. Ummm, I don't think in Greece there are school counselors and school nurses... u see life sucks in this country. But anyway that's not the problem I couldn't tell my parents anyway. And I've thought all these things that you mention. Who are they to judge me? They can't control my life. But you know, I'm so afraid that even when I grow up this will not stop.
My parents also think of getting a new house somewhere else. I don't know if that is a good idea of starting over. Should I go somewhere else, escape from all these, and pretend someone who I'm not? Change my style, my talking, don't know what really is the fault. Should I change me? Should I change John?

J_9 · Jul 18, 2007, 02:07 PM

John, don't change yourself for anyone but JOHN!!

Talk to a teacher, someone who you respect.

Do you have any idea why these kids are calling you this?

quiero_matarme · Jul 18, 2007, 02:12 PM

No, I got no idea. It may be my style, that's what one said when I asked him. But I don't want to change my style, and if I don't I'll be called gay for ever. Sometimes I think life's so unfair. I don't know if life AFTER death will be better. Anyway, these rumors helped me lose my best friend. I think that thing will take everyone and everything I love away from me. I think the only thing that I have now is music. And right now, when I think about the new school year, I'm kind of scared. How am I going to make it again with all these teasing and laughing? No way, I can't do this. If death is not a solution, then there's not a solution

sarahmor101 · Jul 18, 2007, 02:15 PM

Originally Posted by quiero_matarme

Hi everyone, my story is so sad. If you can't take this, better not read this!
I really have a reason that I wanna die. Since when I was a lil boy, there were some rumors that I was gay. Don't kno how that came up, it may be my behavior or something... I've lived all my life being teased at school by all people. This last year I thought that everything changed, coz no one seemed to know these rumors at my new school (although there was a kid that really hated me, and I don't know why). But now that it's summer my friend started to behave a little weird. He was avoiding me, making me feel bad an lonely. He's the only good friend I have. So I went to his house to explain me everything. He started telling me that everyone thought I was gay and he didn't want to get the same "label" too. That hurted me soooo much that I went for a walk crying, and I couldn't stand the pain. I ended up here posting this question. My parents don't seem to know about it and I don't wanna lose my friend. Life is so unfair.... I was thinking that everything was at last ok, but now it seems that the whole world knew about it and the only one that didn't know it was me.
I guess I'll never be able to live a normal life... and don't say that I will, coz really, if they find something "gay" on me now, they will for ever...

My mam once asked me if I was a lesbian because I used to hang around with the same girl. We used to get called lemon and lime and although it hurt me inside I never let people see it got to me. At the end of the day it doesn't matter what people think of you its what you to be true. I think you should talk to your parents as they may be able to change your school or give you advice and comfort. Its easier said than done but ignore the people who taunt you and let everyone see the real you. I'm married now with a son and those people who taunted me at school realised that they never got to me and left me alone. If they make jokes play along with them they'll soon get fed up. Your so called fiend however needs to realise that people are who they are and he'll never have or keep many friends if he doesn't stick by one when in need of help and support. Be yourself and enjoy life no matter what people think

shygrneyzs · Jul 18, 2007, 02:19 PM

Your parents are supposed to be there to help you, not judge you. So now are you saying you are gay? That is not a crime, isn't it? You say they cannot control your life. Well, until you are of the legal adult age, yes, they can control your life to a degree. Your parents are thinking of getting a new house somewhere else. That is not a bad idea. A startover might help you. But if you do not do something positive for yourself, you will carry with all your negative. That is why I suggested seeing your doctor or a counselor/therapist. Greece is not a backward country. Even if you are a homosexual, Greek history is no stranger to that. Whatever your orientation is, you have to start with self acceptance. Do not let others decide for you. You are 16 and on the cusp of becoming a man. Life is not easy, never has been. But you do need to find someone you can trust, to talk to about what all is bundled up inside you.

There are options to suicide. I want you to read through the following articles:
"Suicide: Don't let despair obscure other options" Suicide: Don't let despair obscure other options - MayoClinic.com

Depression: Understanding Thoughts of Suicide
Depression: Understanding Thoughts of Suicide

Suicide: Don't let despair obscure other options - CNN.com
Suicide

And this one, suicide prevention resource in Greece: Selfhelp Programme

Last one: Suicide Prevention Help - Global Web Directory Blog

quiero_matarme · Jul 18, 2007, 02:24 PM

Believe me, I've changed sooo many schools, but all of my efforts failed. Everywhere was the same gay thing. I used to be optimist about life. I was thinking like that once. But seeing that a normal life will never come, I stopped thinking like this. I guess I'll go to bed now and try to get some strength from my dreams too. See you tomorrow (I hope), bye!

quiero_matarme · Jul 18, 2007, 02:27 PM

Thanks shygrneyzs, I've just saw your message. I didn't mean my parents that control my life, I meant the people that tease me. I think I should really talk to someone, even talking to you made me feel better. I don't have much time for these articles now, but I PROMISE I'll read them tomorrow first thing in the morning. So see you then. I hope I want have nightmares

L-001-06-H · Jul 22, 2007, 08:52 PM

LOL. Because of THAT? Listen, people are stupid, don't be one of the stupid masses. Screw what people think, screw 'rumors', and you have NO reason to want to die, I can tell you that right now. You want to hear my stories? You make it sound so bad... I could tell you things that would make you break your own neck, with your own hands.

METERRE · Jul 22, 2007, 09:08 PM

Are you sure your so called best friend really was your best friend. Because I don't think so at all.
Parents can be comforting to an extent, but the only person whom you should find comfort and acceptance from is YOU.
If you're not gay, is there a girl you might like somewhere?

quiero_matarme · Jul 23, 2007, 03:07 AM

Hi again!
Got much to say, but I'll try to be sort and brief.
First of all, let me thank shygrneyzs (is that right?) for the documentations. I've read them and they actually helped me. The greek one was about drugs. Doesn't matter anyway. I've speaked to a friend of mine as you consulted me and she understood what I'm through. That was really good. Furthermore I was on holidays the last few days, and that helped me think about life another way. But still I'm not sure that I can speak to my "so called best friend" again. What he've done was really awful. I can't even go to the square, because I'm sort of shy of the people. How am I going to get over this?
LOL-001-06-H I would really like to listen to your problems! I thought that mine was the worst of all, but I guess I'm not right. And lastly, METERRE, after all this, I don't think Nik was so good a friend.
Thanks again guys!

suddenImpact · Jul 23, 2007, 06:49 AM

I went through the same thing all through out school, I was always the shy kid that just sat in the back of the class, and didn't really talk with people. For some reason, everyone loved to pick on me, call me gay, or pretty much just do anything they could think of to torture me in some way. I've been out of school for 5 years now, and let me tell you from personal experience, life gets better! I have been at my current job for 7 years now, and am working on starting my own business. I still see a lot of the people that used to make fun of me... they are normally serving me at a restaurant. As much as I hate to put people down, that is a good feeling to know that you are doing good in life, and see how little the ones that used to make fun of you have. The biggest piece of advice I can give you, is to set yourself a goal on where you want to be, and do what ever it takes to make sure you get there, death is NOT the answer!

Good Luck!

METERRE · Jul 23, 2007, 06:36 PM

SuddenImpact, I've got to mention that I always was throughout all my school years the shy one with no friends. Sat alone at lunch. And well you know the story. But I was extremely shy which led to some other problems I won't mention right now. Lots of difficulty in the social area and not only in school but everywhere you can think of. Right after entering High School, it affected me to not have any friends and be made fun of because of this and because of that. When it wasn't one thing, it was the other. That was one of the causes that triggered depression in me. Then all I wanted to do was either die or disappear. I couldn't take it any longer, my grades started to fall, and I got disconnected for quite a while from reality. Didn't know which was which, always stuck in my own world.
Well I'm sorry I said all that in this post. I just wanted to show quiero_matarme that he's not the only one that went or is going through very difficult phases of life. There is far worse than what is happening to you. And I don't want to sound sarcastic or rude but you're lucky it's only that. But you know what, there was a phase where I just got completely fed up with those feelings of worthlessness and decided to ask for help. I asked God for help... but before that I was actually praying to him to take my life and end my pain, but instead he answered my other prayers which showed that I had hope of living a better life. He started showing me ways in which I could help myself. It was and is amazing because it hasn't been long since I noticed he started doing that. He still is showing me ways.
Now I can't say I'm over all that happened to me, because not so long ago was when I started healing. Still am in the process, still will take time, but I have faith that it will all be better.
And I truly hope it gets a lot better for you.

quiero_matarme · Jul 25, 2007, 01:33 AM

Thanks guys. But you know, calling you gay is not the best thing. I try to cover things up every time, so no one else will learn it. I think I can make it too now. It's good talking to you. I think God can help me too. I know it's going to take a long time, but... 2 more years and high school will be over! Then I'll have my own life, and I hope that it will be better. And yes, there's a girl that I like, I think I'm in love with her but nothing is going to happen. I know it... that's another problem :). Anyway, thanks again. I'll keep visiting this website helping others or updating this post with whatever comes up. Hope we keep in touch, you really help me. Bye