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tinkerbell77 · Jul 12, 2007, 11:03 AM

I have a weird story and just thought I'd write for some suggestions.
1. I have never been close to my parents, often they were not there for me as a child. As an adult I've sought councling and moved on. I wish them the best and hope that they seek help for there emotional and physically abusive behaviors. But for myself I had to move forward, realizeing they have to make the chose to change themselves.
2. My parents are always meddling in my business. Calling friends I have, behind my back. Telling people that I walked away from them and I make poor choises. Making up stories so extreem Like: I left my kids with them for years and was off doing god knows what! Which is way far from the truth. I've never left my kids with them for 10 minutes cause of there behaviors and I've had a great job for 6 years. Tried to keep my kids in the best schools, bought a house as a siggle parent, and got remarried a year ago to a wonderful man. Some people believe the stories they tell and some do not.
So here is the BIGGest question. My parents recently went behind my back and my husbands back to talk to my husbands family. Telling them awful stories about us and how we don't talk to them and they've been such great people to us. Honestly my husband has meet them 3 times and none of them were nice encounters because of my parents behaviors he doesn't want to get to know them. And I don't want to be around there drama tell they get help/ IF they get help. That is there choice. But now that they are badgering my husbands family, and I really don't want them to feel put in the middle. What should I tell them?? My husband doesn't get why my family is so weird and really thinks I should blow the questions off, with out giving his family any answers. But I really want to be honest with his family with out making them feel like they have to choose sides or be in the middle. It's causing fights between my husband and I, so I'd like some out side help!
Thanks for reading, any suggestions are welcome!
Tink!

CynthiaB · Jul 12, 2007, 11:51 AM

I think you should have a heart to heart talk with your husbands parents. What you went through growing up, how you felt then and now. I'm sure your husbands parents will make the right judgement on how they wish to be involved. I'm not close to my parents either. I am always wishing I had family that cared about each other. I value the idea very much. If you are close to your in-laws and just talk to them, then I think you can all come up with some kind of strategy. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!

tinkerbell77 · Jul 12, 2007, 12:07 PM

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry your family wasn't there for you either. It's hard some times. And I to really want a nice family. Here is the only thing my husband said about talking to his parents. He said that IF I tell his parents the truth about me growing up and why they aren't around any more that I look like the victom and I play it out that I want pitty. I guess I don't see it that way, cause I just want them to know the truth. And I've never wanted any one to feel sorry for me. But maybe someone who has never been in an abusive situation thinks people that tell there story are looking for sympathy?? Not sure?? I do want to have a heart to heart with his family. How would be the best way to word it or talk about it, with out them thinking I'm looking for pitty? My husband just suggested to tell them how much better off I am with out them. But with out his family knowing what happened, they aren't going to know why I'm better off are they??

CynthiaB · Jul 13, 2007, 02:12 AM

Hi Tinkerbell! Are you close enough to your in-laws(one of them if not both) to take them to the side and talk without anyone else knowing? I know your not seeking sympathy. Just looking for suggestions. Right? There are lots of ways of breaking the ice. Sometimes it's not always easy. If you are close enough then all you should have to say is "I really need to talk to you". Can you tell your parents to back off? If the situation gets bad then you could go the legal route if you have to. If none of the above works then maybe by us talking we can figure something out. You Have A Friend In Me! Cindy

tinkerbell77 · Jul 13, 2007, 08:05 AM

Thanks,
I think I may try to talk to my mother in law. I just don't want to cause any more problems with my husband. My family has fought for grandparent visitation, and didn't succeed. And they are not approachable at all at this point. I just want to approach it all causiously. But not sure what to say? So should I just make it a breaf incounter at first with my inlaws? Like just say "my parents have never been there for me, and it's been nice since we went our own directions." and then only explain more, if more questions are asked? That way I'm not pouring it on to thing to begin with?
Thanks for the support
Tink

CynthiaB · Jul 14, 2007, 04:34 AM

Hi Tink. What your husband doesn't know won't hurt him. Since your parents were denied rights to your children then I see that as there being something wrong with them. Sounds like you trust your mother-in-law. First of all I believe that asking God for guidance in what you should say to your mother-in-law is the first step. Truly believe He will help you and He will. It's very hard not to create ripples sometimes but with guidance and belief in God and Yourself, it seems to work out in the end. How is your faith in God? I use God to help me. Coming from a broken, unreachable family, God has been the ONLY constant in my life. There are most definitely times when I don't understand why He lets things happen sometimes but He has gotten me through 47 years. I surely didn't do it myself cause I don't make proper decisions on my own. I'm not happy with the state my life is in but the only thing I know to do is have faith that God knows what He is doing and take one day at a time. I don't know how knowledgeable you are in the Bible but just let me say that you need to be careful on what you ask for in your prayers. Wording is IMPORTANT. Trust is important. Trust in yourself and the Lord. Tell me what you think. Your new buddy, Cindy!

tinkerbell77 · Jul 24, 2007, 12:29 PM

Cindy,
Thanks for the advice. About my parents, I look as it as they didn't succeed in getting visitation cause they didn't get what they wanted... They wanted one weekend a month. They got awarded one Saturday, day visite three times a year. With a counler involved with the children to over see that they aren't getting abused. The judge believed there is abuse, but didn't have pics, etc... So she had to give them something tell she had hard evidence. Sad... but I believe it will all work itself out. Which leads me to the next thing... I do think you are right, that god makes it work out. Sometimes I just have to give it to him. I haven't talked to my in laws at all yet. I've decided I should let it blow over for a little while. I just got a letter from my mother in law, thanking me for some pictures I sent her of the kids. I think I may just write her a letter back and drop a line in there about how I love her interest in the children and am thankful she can be there for them since my parents have not always been there for me and aren't there for the kids. Something along the lines that even though my parents have gone to her to seek a relationship, my parents have not come to me and have done hurtful things in the past.? I just hate to see everyone get drug in the middle... so I've got to try to be causious how I use my words.