[jeep1995]

Multiple threads merged

Some background first. I am 27 she is 26. Me and her met about 2-3 yrs ago through a friend. We hit it off right away but never really got a chance to meet again until recently when our friend re-introduced us about 4 months ago.

Since then we have been inseparable. We have talked about how we are so lucky to have found each other. I treat her great and she treats me great. The sex is friggin amazing, still... and we are allways doing something on the weekends. We go to church together with her parents every Sunday. I guess you could say we have the perfect relationship. We get compliments on how great we look together all the time. Oh and her family loves me and mine does her. I gave her a promise ring already and she loved it. We both love each other very much

But we drink.

On Sunday night me and her got pretty drunk and we started fighting a little bit. We have done this a few times before when we drink, but usually the blame gets put on me. Apparently this was the last straw for her. I pretty much flipped out and yelled at her and said some nasty things to her so she left to go home. Before she left I had told her to give this promise ring I gave her (we were seriously thinking of being engaged by xmas). She gave it back and went home.

The next morning I tried to call her but she didn't answer (not surprising)... so she eventually stopped by my house without calling after she got off work to get her stuff she had at my house. She wouldn't even look at me. We talked a little... read on...

You see I have promised that I would get my drinking under control so I stop flipping on her like I do. So I had stopped drinking during the weekdays, I dindt have a sip for the previous 6 days. Its not every time I drink I flip out, its every time I flip out I am drinking. We seriously have fun when we party, its just we have had 3 fights while I was drunk so far out of the probably 50 times we have drank together. She won't quit because she insists she has no drinking problem and its all me.

Anyway on Sunday night I apparently made her feel afraid of me because of how angry I got. She got scared that's why she left. She thought I was going to hit her she said. She has been hit before in past relationships. I do remember her saying she was scared and that's when I backed off. I don't come from an abusive home so I am very strongly against domestic violence. I backed right off as soon as I saw she was afraid. Don't make the wrong assumption...

OK so...

She told me when she stopped by Monday I "had lost her already" and that she "needs some time to forgive me". I don't know if this is it for us (if its over) or if she really just wants some time to herself.

I called her teuday and did the whole "please don't leave me, waaaah wahhh waaaah... lol... she only spoke to me for a few seconds though and didn't want to hear apologies this time.she said that I need to stop calling and let her call me that I need to go to AA and get help. Well I went to see a councelor Wednesday (yesterday) and am getting my drinking under control but I don't think I need AA, because if I don't want to drink I won't I'm not hooked like that. I personally don't think I should drink around her though at all, I think that will help a lot. Today Thursday, will be 4 days clean, drank 1 day in the past 11 days, so I don't think I am that bad to begin with, but if its what she wants I may continue with the program. Do you think I should or is this her just trying to control the situation or something?

So I have not heard a word from her since teusday morning. I have not text or call her back, she said she would contact me, is this right or should I call her.

I really am missing her a lot, I want to speak to her so badly, I love this girl more than anything!! But if it is meant to be Jesus shall make it.

If she does decide to take me back I am going to make a point to not spend so much time together. To not breath down her back or expect her to call all the time.. to let her do her thing and me do my thing. I have pretty much dissed all of my friends to spend what free time I have with her. And her the same. We are both pretty busy with work. We talk on the phone everyday, but usually don't see each other until the weekend. Maybe a lunch here and there during the work week. I work nights she works days. So I am not sure if we spend too much time together to begin with, but there is something with me that makes me not appreciate our time together like I used to. I think that's why I am flipping out on her, because I am getting too comfortable and taking her for grantedwhen I am with her.

Believe me I don't take her for granted now that she isn't around... dam* man I am so depressed, help!

[Nosnosna]

If you flip out and yell at her when you're drunk, that simply means you want to flip out and yell at her when you're sober. Alcohol doesn't make you do anything, all it does is keep you from knowing better than doing the things you know you shouldn't be doing.

There's no way to know if she'll come back to you or not. I can say that if you keep drinking, she shouldn't, because you're an when you're drunk.

That being said, don't stop drinking to get her back. Stop drinking because you're losing control when you drink, and it's clearly hurting the people around you. Once you get yourself in some kind of order, then you can start thinking about adding other people to your life.

[J_9]

WOW, that was really a lot to take in. I am afraid, however, you may not like what I have to say. I see SO MANY red flags here. This relationship is abusive and destructive. It already may have self-destructed already.

Now, I will pick apart your post and show you what I am talking about. Okay?

since then we have been inseperable. we have talked about how we are so lucky to have found eachother. i treat her great and she treats me great. the sex is friggin amazing, still..... and we are allways doing something on the weekends. we go to church together with her parents every sunday.

Too fast too furious. Relationships take time to build. You still have to have your own identity apart from the "couple" identity.

but we drink.

I see trouble coming.

me and her got pretty drunk and we started fighting a little bit. we have done this a few times before when we drink,

And here it starts.

usually the blame gets put on me.

The blame game is very popular with alcoholics.

you see i have promised that i would get my drinking under control so i stop flipping on her like i do. so i had stopped drinking during the weekdays,

Weekdays is not enough. You have to stop completely.

she wont quit because she insists she has no drinking problem and its all me.

This is called denial.

anyway on sunday night i apparantly made her feel afraid of me because of how angry i got. she got scared thats why she left. she thought i was going to hit her she said.

Here is another clue that you have a problem. I have no doubt in my mind that she does too. Just quitting throughout the week is just an excuse.

i called her teuday and did the whole "please dont leave me, waaaah wahhh waaaah.....lol....... she only spoke to me for a few seconds though and didnt want to hear appologies this time.she said that i need to stop calling

This is called "being needy." Women don't like needy men. Leave her alone. That is what she asked for. If you care you will do what she asks.

well i went to see a councelor wednesday (yesterday) and am getting my drinking under control

Congratulations!! The first step in sobriety!!

but i dont think i need AA, because if i dont want to drink i wont im not hooked like that.

Hmmm, backsliding already? You see this is what most alcoholics say. Again, this is called denial and is very common in the addicted person.

if she does decide to take me back i am going to make a point to not spend so much time together. to not breath down her back or expect her to call all the time.. to let her do her thing and me do my thing.

PERFECT!! This is how a relationship should work!

There are so many red flags in this relationship, it may be time to just call it quits. You recognize that you need to quit drinking. She doesn't. You both have a problem and that problem is alcohol. You both need to quit completely.

Some people can be social drinkers, but when it begins to affect your personality, you know you have a problem. If you quit, and she doesn't, what will keep you from going back to the drink? You see, in AA and other addictions, the addict must distance themselves from the temptations, that includes friends, family, and places where you find temptation.

Get yourself better first, then work on your relationships.

[jeep1995]

If you flip out and yell at her when you're drunk, that simply means you want to flip out and yell at her when you're sober. Alcohol doesn't make you do anything, all it does is keep you from knowing better than doing the things you know you shouldn't be doing.

There's no way to know if she'll come back to you or not. I can say that if you keep drinking, she shouldn't, because you're an when you're drunk.

That being said, don't stop drinking to get her back. Stop drinking because you're losing control when you drink, and it's clearly hurting the people around you. Once you get yourself in some kind of order, then you can start thinking about adding other people to your life.

Thanks james for the insight.

You are correct... I do want to yell at her sometimes when we are sober.

You have to understand, she comes from a tough past as far as relationships go. She has trouble being affectionate sometimes, which I think is making me insecure. My insecurities all come out when I am drunk as anger.

I have tried to talk to her about her past and want to help her through stuff. Let her know I am there for her. But it seems like she pushes away sometimes. She doesn't want to talk about it, which makes me more frustrated. I tend to think she isn't that into me anyway. I have been cheated on before and very hurt by it, I think part of my problem is I have a guard up against fully trusting women and I over examine everything. I get upset when she doesn't call on her lunch, but really she was just busy. And she doesn't "have" to call. I will allways talk to her later on. She never has not called me later on.

I think I want more from her than she can give, or should give. I need to fix this because I do indeed love her, I just have my insecurities.

And yes when I am drunk I gain confidence, that's why I am able to bitc* at her then. But my insecurities are not her problem right?

[jeep1995]

In response to J-9

Yes I do have a drinking problem, I drink too much in a short period. She drinks often too, it is how we met, it is the scene that we live in.

I understand it is not a good scene to be in, but in the meanwhile, before children, I am going to have my fun.

Like I stated we do not argue every time we drink. Not at all. We usually have fun with friends or out at the bar and are perfectly fine. Just sometimes, like this weekend, we had a rough couple days. She was on her rag and pissy all weekend. OK not everyone's perfect, but I had enough. I got tired of having to listen to her all weekend so I told her about it, not in the nicest of ways though, that's how the fight started.

What I should have done was say, babe, I understand you are pms'ing and maybe its better if you just take the weekend to yourself and I will too. If I had done that, I would have been happy to see her by Monday after work and she happy to see me. But no, I let it escalate. I let it go until I couldn't take anymore, and I blew up.

You may think its all because of alcohol, but there are other issues that make me flip out alcohol just allows me to do it.

We really need to see someone. Someone who can help us with our communication problems, not someone that is going to tell us that we need to quit drinking.

If we had communication I wouldn't be upset. Then I wouldn't flip on her when I drink. She wouldn't be worring when I do drink if I don't flip on her. I am in no means an angry drunk, I am allways happy go lucky... its just when I am pissed about other things

[SameOldSituation]

I have seen way too many people fight because they were drinking. We all know how it makes us lose our cool too easily and not be logical. I say stop drinking around each other... period. Maybe some champagne for New Years type thing, but, alcohol just ain't worth losing a relationship.

And, really, there's a lot more to do than drink that will make you happy.

[jeep1995]

I have seen way too many people fight because they were drinking. We all know how it makes us lose our cool too easily and not be logical. I say stop drinking around each other...period. Maybe some champagne for New Years type thing, but, alcohol just ain't worth losing a relationship.

And, really, there's a lot more to do than drink that will make you happy.

True... I have already committed myself to not drinking around her...

A glass of wine with dinner is OK, but getting drunk around her... nope I isn't doing that anymore...

At the least she won't be scared if I am going to turn into drunk me if I am not drinking. It will make it easier on her to trust me once again.
Thanks man.

[J_9]

Here, I am going to "Chuff" again.

yes i do have a drinking problem, i drink too much in a short period of time. she drinks often too,

Recognition of the problem is the first step.

it is the scene that we live in.

i understand it is not a good scene to be in,

First line is just another excuse. Second line: good that you recognize that there is a problem.

before children, i am going to have my fun.

By then it may be too late.

she was on her rag and pissy all weekend.

Ohhh, bad words!! BAD, BAD!

what i should have done was say, babe, i understand you are pms'ing

Oh, no, never, ever, and I mean NEVER say this to a woman. OMG!! :eek: No way!! Them there are fighting words!!

you may think its all because of alchohol, but there are other issues that make me flip out alchol just allows me to do it.

I don't think it is ALL because of alcohol, but alcohol does bring out the real personality. It does make you feel bulletproof and whatever you were going to keep quiet just comes out the ole piehole. LOL

You may have other issues, and counseling may be very beneficial. But you really do need to work on the drinking problem.

[jeep1995]

Yes I hopefully can talk her into going to couples counciling. When and if she ever wants to date me again.

Well see my girl wouldn't be upset about me saying if she would like to go home because she feels like . She's not that superficial.

I am going to work on my drinking. I am not going to get drunk around her. As someone else said there's plenty to do besides drink. And we do aot of stuff already, its just we drink too. Trust me if I don't drink she won't drink. She said that she won't quit but that doesn't mean she's going to get plastered while I sit there and watch.

We can do this, I just wonder if she will take me back. I think I really frightened her.
I guess she just needs some time to try and remember the old me, the one that she trusted and the one that she knows loves her deeply and would never lay a hand on a woman.

[J_9]

Good luck to you. I hope it all works out the way you want. Just remember to give her the space she asks for. She will call you when she is ready.

[jeep1995]

Hi,

I have a problem that almost killed my relationship, though she doesn't know this yet. I am very insecure with her. She is vey pretty, flirtatious, outgoing, independent, everything I fell in love with. But lately I get this overwhelming feeling that she might have feelings for other guys, or in her case other guys and girls.

Like I stated she is very flirtatious. I knew that going in. it is her personallity that makes her such a fun person. And everyone at the bar or wherever notices that. She is absolutley gorgeous, a red head, so a lot of people are attracted to her.

I have said something about would she ever stray from me and she said why would I think that. She loves me. And I know how she is. If someone is paying her unwanted attention, then she has no problem telling the to fark off. She's very strong willed and independent.

Well we are taking a break because of a fight we had a week ago, I have not reaally talked to her too much since, she said she needs space, and that's what I'm giving her.

When I do talk with her I would like to tell her that most of my problems with her are because I am insecure, and even though I would yell at her in the past for talking to a guys, or question her when her phone rings, who's that... none of this was her fault.

I need to realise that this is the girl I fell head over heels for and she loves me an awful lot. How do I beat my fear of her straying from me.

I have tried my way, which is being up her all the time, asking what she's doing and calling a lot. This I think smothered her, and we both became pissy at each other. I think we spend too much time together too. I don't feel that it is special when we hang out. Well sometimes, but after about 2-3 days together we start bickering. HELP!

[risswalden]

She is who she is and you need to just decide whether you trust her or not. If you don't trust her to be faithful then maybe there is a good reason. But don't tell her too much about your insecurities because that makes you look weak. You have to look strong, like you are confident that you ARE the guy she should be with... if you really love her and want her. If you get back together you either need to just trust her no matter what or end it because you don't trust her. Going out while always worrying about whether she would cheat on you will drive you crazy.

[jeep1995]

I agree thank you.

I talked to her on the phone just a few minutes ago, and she says that she feels smothered. She feels like she lost her identity.

I admitted to her that I was not letting her do her own stuff and that I was holding her back from her friends. I seemed to think that since I spend all my free time with her, she should be obligated to do the same. And when she didn't answer the phone or something like that, or didn't call me on her lunch break, I would think it was because she didn't like me anymore. How nieve is that... I seriously need to grow up. I told her that none of this was her fault. How could she be to blame. She allways blew her friends off for me, but it wasn't enough for some reason.

I have always been in relationships where the girl spends all of her time with me. I've never had a girlfriend that wasn't willing to drop everything for her man. And she shouldn't have to. Nobody should have to do that.


Well, on the phone just earlier, she told me that she is not looking for anyone else during our split. She is not sure if we will ever date again, but if I make some serious changes, then prove to her that I will not smother her and will trust her, then maybe we will work out.

I am not sure how to go about this any help.

[J_9]

What you experienced before, and what you might be headed to now are co-dependent relationships. You need to be INDEPENDENT.

Be yourself, like and love yourself. You have to do this before you can like or love anyone else.

She is a part of your life, but NOT your life.

[jeep1995]

Thanks J-9...

I really do need to be more independent. After all that's what attracted her to me in the first place. I have my own house, a nice car, I liked to go out and party... I had really good friends... I was very idependant.

I think when I got her I was just so afraid of losing her that I squeezed tighter and tighter. Eventually she burst and couldn't take it anymore.

I really need to think about what I have done here. I need to plan a way that I can get her back, and come up with a plan that I will be able to follow and tell her how I plan to change. How I plan to not be up her butt 24/7

If she doesn't call me, so what... she will call later. She was probably busy.

Hell that isn't as bad as her not even wanting to talk to me as she is doing right now.

Well she said a few weeks and don't call her. She said to leave her be, she will call me.

OK I won't call her, its going to be tough but all I wanted was to know that there still might be a chance, and I found that out. If she calls I will be ready with a dinner invitation and a nice movie planned. When she is ready to talk she will be calmed down enough that we might actually be able to work this out! I might be able to convince her that I am really willing to change.

[talaniman]

Dude, your insecurity has blinded you to the fact she is with you and you should be enjoying it. Learn to love yourself enough that you don't need to be all up someone's butt to feel good and start to balance your life with something other than a female. Be happy yourself, and let someone share it but never ever depend on some one to make you feel good. That's your job. You have to prove this with actions, not words and no matter, what do not call her no matter how long it is. Get your own life, your happy with.

[talaniman]

if she calls I will be ready with a dinner invitation and a nice movie planned.

Forget that, let her lead and you listen, if she calls. She will be looking for signs of change, not reconcilliation. Keep it light and brief with no mention of the past or of a relationship. Learn to be a good LISTENER, if she calls.

[jeep1995]

Dude, your insecurity has blinded you to the fact she is with you and you should be enjoying it. Learn to love yourself enough that you don't need to be all up someones butt to feel good and start to balance your life with something other than a female. Be happy yourself, and let someone share it but never ever depend on some one to make you feel good. Thats your job. You have to prove this with actions, not words and no matter, what do not call her no matter how long it is. Get your own life, your happy with.

She just text me with "that talk that we had tonight might have saved your as*.....give me a few weeks....dont call me...goddnight"

It looks as if me admitting to her that she hasn't done anything wrong, and that this is my problem, that I couldn't let her do anything without checking with me first was wrong.

I can't believe I got like that with this one. Eventually I want to marry her.

In a way I am glad this happened. It made me realise what I actually have. A strong independent, caring, loving forgiving woman. Now you are right, I need to acquire those same qualities. Especially the independent one.

I have lots of fun friens that I could hang out with when she has stuff to do. In the long run it will make her realise that I am not a loser. That I can have fun without her, even though she knows ill be thinking of her.

I need to learn to let go... like you said I need to realise what I have! Not what I'm going to lose.

[jeep1995]

OK well you can read my previous posts if you want the full story, but the short of it all goes like this. My girl of a 4 months and I had split/ take a break for the past week. I did an awful lot of thinking, and figured out on my own that I was smothering her. It's not that we spent too much time together, she works full time and same with me, so we usually only see each other on the weekends. Maybe a lunch here and there during the week. I did allways want to know what she was doing, though I wouldn't constantly call, because she would call me throughout the day. It almost seems after a while that the conversations got boring and I often wondered why do we talk about nothing? On the other hand, I would get upset when she didn't call, like what I'm not good enough, or she can't/ won't make time for ME? I wouldn't tell her about it, so I would bottle it up and then blow up at a later time. Usually when I had a little liquid courage in me.

So I realize that I have these insecurity issues. She is a very outgoing girl, flirtacious and very fun. Everyone loves her! She has a lot of guy friends, she's allways been a tom-boy of sorts so this is understandable. Well I wish I was certain that she wouldn't cheat. I mean I know she wouldn't but deep down I still worry. I think this is why I wanted to know what she was doing, and that's why we talked a lot on the phone. Like she would be out with her girls and I'd call her cause I hadn't heard from her in a while. She would answer and I'd make up some dumb reason why I had to call her to make it seem like I wasn't checking up. Some of her friends said that I do call a lot.

Well you guys get what I'm saying here. I am insecure and I control her in a way. Well I realised this and I know I need to change. Today we had lunch, and it was nice, we were totally civil, had great conversation, I told her that I will back off and get busy with ME first. There's going to be a lot of changes here. There has to be.

But how do I go about this? I have lots of friends of my own and always have a somebody I can chill with. I guess just occupy my time.

I am totally cool with only seeing her one or two days a week. With little contact over the phone. Of course a goodnoght call and stuff like that, and if I need to seriously ask her something, but I need to stop calling so much for no reason right?

I need to just back off I think. She definitely loves me still, I could tell by the hug she gave me. Oh and the kisses too. Our spark is still definitely there, I don't want to lose it for good though.

[mckenzie134]

Well its like this you either want her now and you call her everyday and bug her loke crazy and you will last a fewmonths then she will show you the door! Or you get a life without her and keep he for god. You really want to know something which is amazing.

Kisten carefully when I first met my girlfriend there were a million guyschasing her she is very attractive. Too attractive for me and I'm a good looking guy!! Anyway I was always worried when she went out and thought oh how I wantto call to find out what she's doing where she's going and all even though she was so honest and would never cheat she hadonlybeen with one other guy and I was still like crazy. But I listen and learned I satmyself down and thoght carefully aboutthings and I found that the lessi calle her the more she called me. So I hardly call at all and you know what she goes out with her friends and she calls me while she's out ND YOU KNOW WHAT SOMETIMES I Don't ANSWER AND THEN SHEMESSAGES ASKING WHERE I AM!! YES That's RIGHT THIS HOT GIRL IS OUT Probably GOTOTHER GUYS chasingher wanting hernumber and she's calling me! Youknow why cause I'm notr calling her!

So if you want herto start telling you everything don't call. It took me a whileto realise but I listened towhat she told me once I was on the way out with a few friends to a club and she said to me Don't TALK TO TOO MANY GIRLS!! Then she said well if you did anthing behind my back which idont think youwould cause I trust you there's noithing can do about it and then she said I love you and I TRUST YOU!

That's when I thought about it and thought there is no use ever worrying if your partner will cheat because if that's what they want to do they will but the best way to prevent this is not to push an attack them!! Don't be needy this will just make them look elsewhere if anything!!

Be unavailable andif they call don't always answer and NEVER I meen NEVER NEVER jusr fill in thre time when they are not busy let them sit thereand think about you!!