[YCAL_609]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months and our sex life SUCKS... Well it doesn't "when" we have sex. We are both in our mid to late 20's with no kids. The first month was great, we had sex all the time. However now in the past month we have had sex twice? I tell him I'm horny, or ask him to have sex but he either ignores my request or says he's not horny? When we do have sex it's great and I love the fact that he is some what vocal in letting me know it feels good. But it's all about me doing the work, I'm always on top and I give him head but I don't get anything in return. I'm not all that big into it anyway but he doesn't even touch me down there? I know it doesn't stink and I keep myself well groomed. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO? When I say something about it he gets mad and just says he doesn't have a sex drive and that's one of the reason his last relationship didn't work. So I know he isn't cheating on me because he doesn't have the time. Some may say I'm stupid but I knew the day I met him that I would be with him. We recently moved to a different state and don't have any friends yet, so I had to resort to the internet! Please help me with my problem in my quest for more sex!

[tickle]

It sounds like your relationship has hit a low spot and needs some perking up. The fact that you both just moved a distance could have something to do with it. A move means stress and stress means low sex drive.

I suggest you two do something different, although if his problem is actually a low sex drive this suggestion may only be intermittent, but seek a weekend away in a motel room and take some sex negligees, candles, scent for the bath water and just get you two completely relaxed for the time being. It may get you the sex you want for that particular weekend, or it may give him some ideas for a longer term. Or you may talk to him about seeking some libido enhancing suggestions from his doctor or a sex consultant.

Good sex is pretty important to a relationship so I think it is worth spending some money on if he wants to take the route of seeking a sex consultant.

[smoothy]

Not normal behavior for a guy to not be interested unless he has stress or medical issues. Find out about those first (and I'm betting on stress) then you can work on it. Personally as I have said before I have been married for 16 years, me and my wife get it on almost every night still. We do keep it interesting so boredom does not set in.

[YCAL_609]

Thank you both for answering me and the answer back to Smoothy. Stress I'm sure is a big problem simply for the fact that he has a lot on his plate from work... He brings his job home and mess' with our relationship. He is again bipolar and does not take medication because he says he doesn't like the way it makes him feel. I have been reading up on everything I can about living with loved ones who are bipolar. It doesn't help, I don't want to know how to deal with it, I have that under control as far as dealing with his moods. I just want to have sex with the man I love. To seek a doctors opinion I know he will not go for, I want some kind of natural foods or natural vitamins he or I both can take to up his sex drive. I can be as plain and blunt as it comes, and actually ask him to touch me, he does as some kind of dumb joke. For example, want to touch my breast... He grabs and squeezes and then it's done? It actually is starting to make me get really pissed off because I can't have sex... And if and when we do it's been so long for him, as soon as I get on top he's pushing me off to ? So it's I have to suck him off and then get on top and it's done... NOTHING for me. It's more of a HUGE disappointment to get all worked up and then nothing. I can't touch his penis unless we are going to have sex. I can't just sit there with him while watching a movie and start touching him. The BED is the only place we have sex, I once got to give road head and that was a shock that he let me, I'm willing to be CRAZY in bed and try new things. Toys I'd let him have anal sex if he wanted. I just want sex I don't need to cuddle or talk afterwards just give me something to work off. If you have any more suggestions please let me know.

[Synnen]

Honestly... you need to be blunt with him.

Your (lack of) sex life is going to ruin your relationship, and if he's not willing to step up, it will probably be the END of your relationship.

No matter how upset he gets, you NEED to communicate this to him, with suggestions of seeing a doctor, a counselor, or something to work on it together. Perhaps you could write him a letter to read while you go shopping so that you can get your entire say without him interrupting and turning it on you?

[YCAL_609]

Thanks once again... But you have to understand that he is bipolar even though writing a letter is good but?? What do I say?

[Synnen]

He's using being bipolar as an excuse.

A lot of people who are bipolar who refuse to take their medicine because they don't like how it feels miss the manic phase, and have no idea how their actions affect others.

I would write a letter stating that while HE can live without sex, YOU can't. If he loves you, he needs to get his crap together and work on this problem, because it's not just YOUR problem... it's HIS problem too, and if he doesn't see it now, he's going to when you leave him for someone that makes you feel desirable.

Seriously... everythign you've said about this guy reeks of complete self-centeredness. Tell him to shape up! You'll help him, by going to counseling or whatever, but you don't have to put up with this kind of garbage in a loving relationship.

[tickle]

You should have mentioned bipolar in the first place, it would have changed my viewpoint somewhat. From what I have read of bipolar men, 90% are the exact oppositive of low libido.

I don't know if you have tried the following support group but I am offering a website for your perusal and hope it helps. I will keep my search open and maybe I can come up with something else for you:

How to Recognize, Cope and Deal With Your Loved One's Bipolar Disorder

[tickle]

I think some posters are missing the point here, bipolar people usually have had the disorder since late teens and are actually manic depressive with unusual mood swings, sometimes violent. I am hoping he will stay on the lower end of the spectrum and she will be quite safe.
Writing a letter so he can 'own it' will do no good at all because of the nature of his illness.

As positive advice I would say just vacate the relationship because unless she finds a wonder drug, good sex with this man is not going to happen, because he is never going to understand what she needs.

[smoothy]

I'll agree with tickle... he needs to get and take his medications, he doesn't see or care how HIS problem is effecting others. Or how it could effect him.

I'd lay it on the line. He goes on and stays on his meds or you walk out the door.

I'm no expert on his condition but I can see far more problems with him unmedicated that there are because of the medication. Worst case could be your safety if he ends up in a rage.

Many people with mental disorders are the last people to see the problem.

[YCAL_609]

You guys all have very interesting views on my problem. However I do not want to leave him because of"SEX". I understand that people have different views on what is important in a relationship, however mine seems to be sex. He has a wonderful job that puts him to the test every day. He is bipolar but doesn't go into a rage of hitting me. Nor has he ever! This mental issue he has, has been in the family with his father having it and now Kevin. I'm just afraid that if I address the problem at hand more than I have he will get mad that I am so obsessed with this and leave me. I just want to feel as though he needs me in some way, as I do him. The writing a letter seems to be the answer I'm pulling for more but then again "what if". I don't want to come across like it's all his fault and put the blame on him, because I'm sure some where in his head there are things that I need to change. I'm to the point of throwing in the towel and giving up on our relationship. But yet I know in my heart that he is the one. But I can't live with the hope of maybe things will get better or maybe I can change him. I'm just totally confused as to why my boyfriend that is 29 years old does not have a desire to be with me sexually? And it hurts and I find myself crying over something as stupid as this. I will go to that website and read what you posted just to get more info. I am taking a course by David Oliver about family members/ loved ones living with Bipolar Disorders. But it doesn't really answer my questions that I have. Once again thank you all for you concerns and the post that you have made. I hope things work themselves out soon, or I guess I will be forced to face the music and call it a lost.

[smoothy]

Well the bottom line is he has a problem and its going untreated by choice. This is bothering you obviously and trust me unless this changes its going to just bother you all that much more.

As is either he gets treatment or you will have to be happy with things as they are. There will be no changes until one of those two things happen.

And its clear you are not going to be happy without change.