[bloomingtonbob]

I am a 27 year old man. I have been struggling for the past few months with my sexuality.

Growing up I was always attracted to women and masturbated regularly to women. In fact, until this confusion began, I always incredibly enjoyed masturbating to pictures of women and to straight pornography. I occasionally felt guilty about it... but I think we all do.

I date very selectively and always have. I have had two serious girlfriends. With the first girlfriend (ages 20-21), I was deeply attracted to her and derived intense pleasure from my intimacy with her. We did not have intercourse, but had oral sex almost daily for a year. We had a traumatic breakup and I was bummed for about a year.

Before I dated my second girlfriend, I had intimacy (hand jobs, oral sex) with 10-12 women, but started dating my second girlfriend at ages 24. We dated for about 18 months. I enjoyed sexual activity with her. I had intercourse for the first time; I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I might. I attributed this mostly to building it up too much and also to the fact that she never orgasmed. We broke up because of distance issues and I became seriously depressed.

About 3 months ago, several friends pointed out to me that I was too selective with dating--that I was turning down many opportunities to "get some" even if I wasn't going to get serious with these women's. Between my two girlfriends, I had taken advantage of a slew of these opportunities, but my thought at this point was that it's more trouble than it's worth to fool around with women in whom I have little genuine interest... but I started to wonder about myself. I have a lifelong pattern of getting into a girl and being into her for too long (obsessing). In middle school, I liked a bunch of girls, but liked one for 3-4 years. In high school, same thing. College, same thing, and then we dated. Post-college, I liked a girl for 5 years despite many rejections... I started to wonder if my obsessing about girls and my selectivity about dating were... homosexuality.

This thoughts became particularly intense when I took a business trip, guessed that an associate I was working with was gay, and then was disappointed that he had a girlfriend. I was startled at my disappointment. Then I started to notice vague feelings that I had around some men with who I worked and wondered if the vague feelings were not feelings of attraction... I wasn't sure. Then I started to notice pensis more when I looked at straight pornography and wondered whether my noticing them was something more. I started to think about what a penis might feel like in my mouth. I am not grossed out by the idea of gay sex--but have always been open minded.

When I in college, I had fleeting thoughts/feelings of attraction, but never anything that remained constant. I always liked women. I started seeing a therapist - who can't say whether I'm just obsessing about some natural feelings that we all have or whether I am gay. I started talking to lots of people about it - friends and family (10). All of these people think that I just have an obsessive personality and am getting carried away. Remarkably half of them reported similar feelings at some point. A good friend from high school who is gay says he doesn't think I'm gay and never thought that I was in the least.

About 2 months ago, I started periodically fooling around with a girl I know in part to just see how I feel about it. We don't have that much in common, so I don't feel that emotionally bonded to her, but I still enjoy sexual activity with her quite a bit. We give each other oral sex and hand jobs and I enjoy it just fine. I still jerk off to women and fantasies about ex-girlfriends, but my confusion seeps in sometimes, and I feel like my masturbation is less "confident" if that makes any sense. I get nervous about how I feel when women are giving oral sex to men in porn scenes.

Does sexuality change abruptly? That's how I feel about it. A lot of gay people say they always knew. This confusion is hitting me like a truck, because I don't think I ever had any idea of anything. I feel like I was superstraight and now have no clue where I stand. I'm still attacted to women, but then do this crazy sensory-overdrive thing where I ask myself if I'm attracted to every man I meet. It is exhausting. When I have a drink in me, I don't feel confused at all and my mind is much calmer... and not feeling very gay.

I'm confused as all hell and periodically depressed as hell about it. I'm from a conservative culture where being gay is not at all accepted.

I'd love people's thoughts on what I'm going through since it seems like a lot more people go through this type of thing than people share.

[Patriciardg]

I'm female and have experienced the same thing except that I have a tendency to masturbate to women and to fantasies about women. When it comes down to it in public I am attracted to men. I think it is nothing to worry about. Just go with the flow and remember this is your privacy so you don't need to worry about it. I try to just enjoy my sexuality and I do share these thoughts with open minded people. It's not like everyone needs to know. I appreciate your sharing.

[Parajr]

I personally do not think that you are gay. I would be freaked out if I was expeiencing your situation too. What you need to keep in mind is that you are what you are. Sometimes we don't really like what we are, but whatever you are love yourself.

[Xrayman]

Hi you sound just like me, I consider myself bisexual pschologically-but that's about where it ends. I'm not saying I wouldn't mind to try and see, however YOU know if you are gay-ask americangayboy for instance!

If women turn you on and perhaps men as well-so? No problem (and so what about your geographical area-don't tell them-they probably have some weird sexual fantasies as well!! They're not telling you though!)

Just like other posts-who cares if you have these fantasies? It's healthy and good for you.

[bloomingtonbob]

Thanks for the helpful responses... I guess I'm just struggling with what it means--and why I have these vague feelings around other men.

[jester_montreal]

Hey Bob,

I've been in a similar situation for a while now too.

I've actually done some gay fooling around, a bit of mutual masturbation and a bit of oral sex, and while they were semi interesting at the time, I ended up feeling more awkward about them later.

But about a year ago, I met up with the guy that this had happened with, and from out of nowhere after, I began to question my sexuality in a way that I had never done when I had experimented.

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years, and I have been living with her for 2, and despite how great we are together, I still think about this a lot.

It can be tough, but a lot of the people here have the right idea. Just admit to yourself who you are, and then work on accepting that.

There is nothing wrong with being somewhere in the middle, but it can be a tough thing to admit.

My girlfriend knows exactly what I have done, what I feel, and what I have been scared about.

Talking about it to people you trust, reading things online, and especially for me, writing things down in a journal tends to help you understand things a bit more.

I'm still working on accepting that I'm not totally straight, but such is life I guess!

[PixieMama]

A guy I know who felt the way once how you are feeling now. So he decided to "experiment" with a guy friend of his, and that experience confirmed for him that he is indeed straight. If you are having fantasies about anal sex and anal play on yourself - that is common among straight men (and straight couples). Some guys enjoy a finger in the bum, some like a bit more. But the truth is - you said it yourself - you are attracted to females. You enjoy masterbating to females and enjoy the physical intimacy with females. If you were gay, females would not turn you on and you would not enjoy vagina play. I think it's possible you might be bi curious. And if you are really interested in exploring that realm, then go for it. Experiment. There's no need to lable your sexual identity. But all in all, I think what you are experiencing is normal.

I'm female. I have often fantasized about being with other women. I have enjoyed lesbian porn. But I know I'm straight.

[bloomingtonbob]

I guess the hardest part is that you can start dissecting your life out and create a narractive that supports anything - being gay, being straight - I have an analytical mind, so I'm driving myself to insanity a little bit. In trying to figure out how I feel, I drive myself into sensory overload and test my attraction to every guy I meet - I highly unnerving and unnatural act. I really appreciate everyone's support...

[Patriciardg]

I used to test myself with women the same way that you say you do with guys. If you raised in a very heterosexual conservative type atmosphere maybe you are a little paranoid about your feelings. That is the way that I was raised and I felt paranoid about my bi curious side for a while but then I heard Dr. Phil say that all of this is really normal. Maybe if our society taught us to expect the possibility of these feelings so that we would know how to deal with it we wouldn't be so paranoid when it happens. Anyway I think you are going to be fine. Think about this I fantasize about climbing Mt Everest and Jumping out of airplanes but I really don't want to try it.

[bloomingtonbob]

Is it correct that gay men don't really enjoy intimacy with women? Can people comment on this? I've heard differing ideas...

[Patriciardg]

Bob, I don't think anything about sexuality is black and white. I think it is all gray area. In other words, everybody is different. Some people don't like sex at all. Others like to have only one on one. Some people like to mix it up with a group. Some like to experiment male and female, female with two males, male with two females and on and on. I would think that if a man was only turned on sexually by other men then he would not enjoy intimacy with a woman. As long as the sex is with consenting adults, done in privacy, I don't see why anyone else should have a problem with it.

[americangayboy]

Well, I'm sure that sex with a woman would be enjoyable to some extent, but I've never tried it. An old friend of mine has had sex with a girl and he said it felt nice.

In the end, you should just be honest with yourself. IF you are gay or bisexual, you'll feel sooooo good after you finally accept it. If you're straight, that's cool too!

[demesne7]

Bob,

I'm 31 and I've been going through the same thing for the last couple of months. For me the confusion started when I became depressed after breaking up with a girlfriend - I stopped going out to pubs/clubs and stopped talking to my close friends. When talking to male friends I would start thinking about what it would be like to be a relationship with them; I also started to notice attractive men more and become extremely uncomfortable when I had to be around them or talk to them. It really started to worry me that I was gay and I started to wonder whether every man I saw/spoke to was gay - it even got to the point where all I could think about was whether I was gay and would lye awake at night trying to justify to myself why I wasn't gay.

Like you I never considered myself gay and enjoyed being with women and masturbating to straight/lesbian porn. I've never been very confident with women and have always dated women who I've previously been friends with or they've shown interest in me first. I've always put this lack of confidence down to being teased mercilessly when I was younger for having a squeaky voice and bad teeth. The bad teeth have gone now but unfortunately I still have the squeaky voice and it still stings when people take the micky out of me for the way I speak - often commenting that I must be gay because of the way I speak.

I have also been very selective about the women I've dated and have been called gay after not recognising when a women fancied me or for rejecting women who I wasn't attracted to. I put this down to my age and wanting to settle down in a long term relationship and not wanting to be one of those middle-aged blokes who you see running round after young women in clubs. I think it's OK to be selective if you' re looking for certain things in a relationship: I would love to meet someone now and settle down and have kids, so the idea of going out and trying to pull a 22 year old girl doesn't appeal to me as it's highly unlikely she'll want to settled down at that age.

I've read a lot of articles on the internet about sexuality and they say only a small number of people are either a 100% straight or gay. Check out articles on the Kinsey Scale. It's a scale on human sexuality and rates sexuality from 0 (heterosexual) to 6 (homosexual) - with most people somewhere in between in terms of their sexual orientation. I'm still not sure I can accept being anything but 100% straight but reading articles on the internet and finding out that I'm not the only person going through this has been a great help.

I've also started reading about social anxiety as suffering from it made my sexual confusion worse. You may want to see if you're suffering from it as well.

[simoneaugie]

Bob, in my experience, there is no big black like drawn between male and female, between straight and gay... And bi.

Try putting you analytical mind to the "big black line." What makes a man a man, a woman a woman, a hermaphrodite a hermaphrodite? Is it the penis? There are some women who have clitorises larger than some penises. That eliminates size.

A penis is urinated through, a clitoris is not. Yet they have the same nerve endings and both make orgasm possible. Is it urinating through a tube in the primary sex organ that makes a man a man?

A hermaphrodite has all of the male and female sex organs yet they are (generally) not fertile. Does that mean that being male or female includes fertility? Is a hermaphrodite non sexual?

Enjoying skin contact with another is human. Having an orgasm is human and does not require thought or analysis. There are many issues to analyze. Is sex one of them?

Just my imput on sexual analysis. There are as many ways to process it as there are people. You are not wrong, just different than me or the next person. Who do you want to be? How do you want to be?

[Synnen]

This thread is nearly THREE years old.

Please watch dates when responding.

Thread closed.