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staremonkey · Jul 8, 2007, 03:52 PM

On this past July 4th I found out that my husband of almost 30 years has been involved with another woman for 7 years! Their relationship began when he was going away on weekends to visit a disabled relative in a neighboring state. Everyone thought he was a saint for sacrificing at least 2 weekends a month for his dear cousin. We are both 54. He is still a very handsome virile man who looks at least 10 or 15 years younger. I on the other hand look like I am 54. The other woman is about 46, divorced with 4 children. He was enraged, defensive and unwilling to talk about the details when I confronted him. How DARE I invade his privacy?! Unbelievably I'm not sure if I will leave. I do love him. This is my question, should I call this woman? He says she was absolutely NOTHING to him just sex, that's it. Also I found evidence that they were members of a swing couples club. He insists that they only went to observe. Is it likely that someone involved in that lifestyle
Will be able to return to a normal married life. Am I crazy, do I just need more time to get over the shock, is this a deal breaker no matter what? I don't want to be another Hillary Clinton.

nauticalstar420 · Jul 8, 2007, 03:56 PM

I have learned once a cheater always a cheater. It may "just be sex" to him, but it makes you, and anyone else this happens to, a wreck. You are not crazy for wanting to stay with him since you've been with him for so long, I would probably want to try to keep him too. But he has a lot of work to do to gain your trust back. In this case I don't think it would do any good to call the other woman, you already know what happened and all you might do with her is get into a fight, which is a stress you don't need. I would sit him down and talk with him about his options... stop or leave. :)

MayfairLady · Jul 8, 2007, 05:01 PM

Now that you know you are in a position to make decisions about your own life, this is probably the only positive thing about finding out such shocking news. Yes, give yourself time to absorb the shock, hasten slowly with this as it will take time, decisions made in the heat of the moment are usually not wise ones. Whatever you do, be true to yourself so you can live with your decision and be happy. Your own answer to your dilema.. you don't want to be a hilary clinton. I wish you all the best.

startover22 · Jul 9, 2007, 01:53 PM

In my opinion, calling her would be opening another can of worms. He will not tell you the truth about it, he knows he will hurt your feelings if he did. If you let it subside a bit, you might think about it more rationally, even though he put you in an awful position. Invade his privacy, he just screwed you big time, physically and emotionally, this is not just HIS deal. It is both of yours, he will pay for this for the rest of his life now that you know. Hmmm ask him if it is still fun. Another thing, usually girls don't stick around with guys for 7 years if they are not in love. It was defiantely more than just sex. Please don't fall for that one. I think this one is over. Unless you see in the future that you can forgive him and never bring it up again with him. Good luck honey, good luck with all of my heart. I am sorry for you!

NowWhat · Jul 9, 2007, 02:43 PM

You have to ask yourself if you can forgive him. Can you let this go? My husband had a 3 year affair and I am still here. We are working our way out of Hell. It is a long and painful road, but it is the choice I made. I have to lay this down. Can you do that? If you can make the decision to stay - then you have to get the shock out of your system and move forward. If you can not do that then you might as well leave.
Is he remorseful? If not - you have a problem. If not, things will not change.
Some people will tell you that getting details will not do any good. Talking to her will not do any good. Well, I disagree. Where I wouldn't get details from her - all of that should come from him - I would tell her to back off and let her know that you are his wife and you are the one he has a commitment to. Will she listen? I don't know. But, after being betrayed in such a way - can you trust your husband to tell her it is over?
She put herself in your life. Why not confront her? I am not saying you should attack her - but you should let her know that she is unwanted in your marriage.
Good Luck to you.

startover22 · Jul 9, 2007, 02:47 PM

Wow, I never look at this way. Probably because I have never been where you are. All I think about is the Jerry Springer show when people want to contact the "bad" guy, you know. I guess if you are mature enough to handle talking to her, it is a fine idea. I just couldn't imagine. Kudos to you Nowwhat, you make me proud. I hope the poster will listen to you!

brittany_razorblade · Jul 9, 2007, 11:42 PM

Originally Posted by staremonkey

On this past july 4th I found out that my husband of almost 30 years has been involved with another woman for 7 years! Their relationship began when he was going away on weekends to visit a disabled relative in a neighboring state. Everyone thought he was a saint for sacrificing at least 2 weekends a month for his dear cousin. We are both 54. He is still a very handsome virile man who looks at least 10 or 15 years younger. I on the other hand look like I am 54. The other woman is about 46, divorced with 4 children. He was enraged, defensive and unwilling to talk about the details when I confronted him. How DARE I invade his privacy?!! Unbelievably I'm not sure if I will leave. I do love him. This is my question, should I call this woman? He says she was absolutely NOTHING to him just sex, that's it. Also I found evidence that they were members of a swing couples club. He insists that they only went to observe. Is it likely that someone involved in that lifestyle
will be able to return to a normal married life. Am I crazy, do I just need more time to get over the shock, is this a deal breaker no matter what? I don't want to be another Hillary Clinton.

You need to talk to this woman and see what is going on.
Maybe she didn't know he was married, and him having an affair is ridiculous you shouldn't stand for that you deserve someone that will love only you.
Men that cheat are pigs and I'm sorry to say that because I know you love him but you are better off

Inspired · Jul 10, 2007, 07:31 PM

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can understand you wanting to stay since you have been with him for 30 years. However, leading a double life for 7 years is a long time for him. It makes me wonder how many other affairs he has had. If he was going to a swingers club, he definantly has some skeletons in the closet that he has not revealed to you. He also does not seem like he respects your feelings by getting defensive when you asked him about it. I am not in your situation but in my opinion you should separate for a while. I know you love him, but mabye the separation will make him realize what he has in his life. I feel that if you stay, he will continue to take you for granted and continue the affair. If you feel that you need to talk to the other woman to get clarity, I don't see the problem with that. If he tells you its just sex and then she tells you something else like they were in love, etc, then it may be time to decide whose story you are going to believe. You don't want to be with someone who's a lier, a cheater, and could lead a double life for 7 yrs. I think some time for yourself may be a good idea.

CaptainRich · Jul 10, 2007, 07:47 PM

brittany_razorblade "maybe she didnt know he was married"
That's entirely possible

"men that cheat are pigs"
But woman aren't excluded

He's been "out," has he been tested for STD's? Are you safe?

It's an uncomfortable position to have to decide when you've worked so hard to get where you are. The time you spend with a person is only as valuable as trust. You have to know if you can trust again. He needs to re-commit to you.
Good luck!

startover22 · Jul 10, 2007, 07:51 PM

Women are not excluded. They are pigs too. Yes getting tested is a good idea.

NowWhat · Jul 11, 2007, 06:15 AM

Inspired: question: if he cheats again will you leave him? Dont you think that if hes cheated for 3 yrs that you are wasting your time?

If I felt like I was wasting my time - I would be gone. If he cheats again? I can tell you what I might do - but I don't know, to be honest.
I followed my heart on this one - and I hope and pray every day that I made the right choice.

Inspired · Jul 13, 2007, 08:23 PM

StareMonkey, how are you doing? Any updates?

JoeCanada76 · Jul 13, 2007, 08:43 PM

I am so sorry for the hurt and pain that you are going through. Cheating for seven years and you just found out. Question is how many other people has he cheated on you with and by the sounds of your post he is not remorseful and that he thinks its none of his business which is a load of crap. Your married and he has been screwing you over and all he has to say was it was just sex. There is no excuse for this behaviour.

In my opinion, and considering your situation I think it is a deal breaker. I also agree that it should be time to get tested for std's.

As far as calling the women or talking to the women, that is a mistake waiting to happen. Please do not contact this women. It is not up to you to contact her. She might not know what is happening or maybe she does? This has to be up to him to do. I know it might seem like you need to but it will just make things a lot messier then they already are for you.

I also think that it is a good idea to talk to a counseler, somebody that can be there to work through this situation with you. All your thoughts and feelings and even options that you can go through.

It is all up to you what you decide is best for you. I know coming here looking for lots of opinions is important for you. Hope you take in everything and decide what you think is best for you.

Joe

Canada_Sweety · Jul 13, 2007, 08:52 PM

There's an old saying that apply's verrry well to your situation: "Fool me once, Shame on you... Fool me twice, Shame on me." Let's not allow there to be a "Fool me three times...". Calling this woman would only upset you and make the situation a whole lot worse. Up & leaving would probably be the best thing for you to do. I wish you good luck and happiness.

amber_gilbert · Jul 15, 2007, 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by staremonkey

On this past july 4th I found out that my husband of almost 30 years has been involved with another woman for 7 years! Their relationship began when he was going away on weekends to visit a disabled relative in a neighboring state. Everyone thought he was a saint for sacrificing at least 2 weekends a month for his dear cousin. We are both 54. He is still a very handsome virile man who looks at least 10 or 15 years younger. I on the other hand look like I am 54. The other woman is about 46, divorced with 4 children. He was enraged, defensive and unwilling to talk about the details when I confronted him. How DARE I invade his privacy?!! Unbelievably I'm not sure if I will leave. I do love him. This is my question, should I call this woman? He says she was absolutely NOTHING to him just sex, that's it. Also I found evidence that they were members of a swing couples club. He insists that they only went to observe. Is it likely that someone involved in that lifestyle
will be able to return to a normal married life. Am I crazy, do I just need more time to get over the shock, is this a deal breaker no matter what? I don't want to be another Hillary Clinton.

I'm no expert, but I think you should leave him. You deserve better, if he loved you , he wouldn't need sex from someone else