[jennfa]

I know this sounds like everyother post, but here goes anyway. My boyfriend and I were together 11 1/2 months. We had a whirlwind relationship. We both have the same lifestyle. Work summers and take the winters off. We were SO in love, never fought. We spent the whole winter together traveling and having a great time doing everything. Since we got back to work it was stressful on both of us (we're both self-emplyed)I think I got a little selfish about my stress and not so much about his and started being a little demanding. One side note about him... he has no problem being alone, almost takes pride in it... He also has told me a ton of times about breakups with old girlfriends that "when he's Done, he's Done" Well anyway, we were at dinner 2 weeks ago snuggling, kissing and making plans for our trips next winter, I had way too many cocktails and picked a STUPID drunken fight with him (stressed related) of course I said things I really didn't mean just to be hurtful (why oh why did I drink those rum runners) He said some hurtful things also about how selfish I act and how I think I can control him like a puppet. It was our first fight! Anyway, he left that night (we each have our own places) As he was leaving, I said I Love You and with out looking at me he said I love you , and left. The first 3 days I called (left messages) and text'd... nothing. So I decided to follow the advice here and stop calling. It's been 2 weeks. The only way I found out that we were officially broken up is from one of his friends I ran into. Whom my b/f had told it was over. Normally I would think he would call but he's got this huge pride thing. It's like once he tells people it's over, he would be too proud to go back on his word... this is my biggest fear. I know he loves me, he could never stand the few nights we spent apart. We are both in our thirties and never married but always talked about it. I was expecting a ring by my 1 year anniversary, not a broken heart. We live 40 miles apart so I won't be running into him... Any advice here??

[lickemlolly]

Give it some time.. arguements can get really ugly really fast and both usually end up saying horrible things that neither mean... now I can't say I know that he will come back but if this guy cares about you like you say he does then you shouldn't worry too much.. the important thing to realize is don't let this be your life... you need to do things and not think about him which is hard but that will keep your mind off him.. and please whatever you do... dont listen to mike because he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about... if you go back and look at some of the other threads you will see that no one likes his advice..

[Wildcat21]

ONE lay off the booze with him - obviously you're a bad drunk.

Obviously you offended him.

Obviously you need to understanf he is PART OF YOUR LIFE - NOT YOUR life.

"He said some hurtful things also about how selfish I act and how I think I can control him like a puppet" - think he is right and you said so.

QUIT calling him - give him sapce - your ACTING NEEDY!! Let him be.

Stop calling. Go see him after a month. Just go see him. Talk. He needs space - you bruised his ego. Unfortunately I had a very stuben, independent woman once I loved to death - we had a fight and that was that - sadly - I still have feelings for her.

You both got to sit down and talk - at your point it's ALL about communication. Unfortunately it sounds like recently you were NOT treating him well. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE. Tell him you will - no more demands of this guy. Why?

Did you apologize on the phone?

[mike145k]

I think you are being to hard on yourself I have read your post,and it broke my heart.you sound like a very nice person ,able to accomplish what you set your mind on doing.And because you are strong you will understand,you need to get envolved with a better person,who will not hurt you and be mean and not understand you.he had no patience with your feelings and behavoir.someday you will find the person you deserve until then learn from the actions of others that call you friend,or lover

[jennfa]

Hi Thanks for the replys. Wildcat, you said to go see him after a month. Are you saying I should show up on his doorstep unannounced or try calling again first. It has been 15 days since I've tried to contact him in any manner. I was going to wait one month and casually try calling about some concert tickets we have. If he doesn't answer or call back do I go to his place?
And Yes I apologized on the phone (to his voice mail)I told him I said things I did not mean, how sorry I was, how it was over one fight and to please have forgiveness. If it's more about bruising his ego, should I have a different approach. I certainly know life will go on without him, but he is the first person I every wanted to marry and to just walk out with an I Love You and never contact me again... what the hell is that?!

[Wildcat21]

I am never for one to give up and move on. That's too easy - that's what everyone else says and does AND it's many times NOT the right thing to do when you spent so much time together.

I did say some tough things, but you had to hear them.

YES, I feel you need to just show up and find him because if he has this strong pride/ego he may not pick up the phone - dealing with some one in person is TOTALLY different. I know - the gal I mentioned I saw several months later in person and she said her heart stopped when she saw me - she had tried to suppress feelings because I did not see her person - unfortunately I had moved on and had been seriously dating someone else and was really mad she would not see me after the fight - I thought it was childish.

You at least need a piece of mind. He has to still have feelings for you - one big fight should never end it.

[Wildcat21]

I do think he may be back if he said I love you. Guys like this, sounds like he is a Marlboro man type, need to go to their 'cave' for a while.

[jennfa]

Thanks Wildcat... How much longer should I wait. And yes he is the Marlboro man. I was going to wait 2 more weeks but would it be too much time? After a month would he really miss me more or start getting over me.
Thanks Again for your time.

[Wildcat21]

I know you want to see him NOW. But, actually, in a relationship, a month isn't that long - I say wait because there is a good chance you will hear from him - you gave him all that attention and then it stopped!

You should go see him though - I know it's a long way, but with this guy it's too easy for him to ignore your calls.

[Wildcat21]

I know you want to see him NOW. But, actually, in a relationship, a month isn't that long - I say wait because there is a good chance you will hear from him - you gave him all that attention and then it stopped!

You should go see him though - I know it's a long way, but with this guy it's too easy for him to ignore your calls.

Did he say lets break up?

[Wildcat21]

I know you want to see him NOW. But, actually, in a relationship, a month isn't that long - I say wait because there is a good chance you will hear from him - you gave him all that attention and then it stopped!

You should go see him though - I know it's a long way, but with this guy it's too easy for him to ignore your calls.

Did he say lets break up? If not - go see him. You have to go find him - unannounced and figure this out - he can't be that stubborn - tell him you didn't mean it.

[jennfa]

Thanks again for your time in replying. Never did he say let's break up or the like. It was both of us just yelling over each other him saying I have no respect for him and basically me saying the same (which comes from us both being back to work and having to deal with our own stresses). But, he does have that stubborn "when I'm done, I'm done". But how can he be done when we were just discussing our future plans at dinner. I will wait a month and probably try to see him... but to be honest, that scares the heck out of me. The thought of him being cold and nasty towards me just freaks me out especially since I've never seen him act this way. The drive home would be murder. But, I guess I won't know unless I try. I guess I could bring his stuff to him or say I am there to get my stuff. I'm just tired of obsessing 24 hours a day. Shopping, spa days, working, excersicing... nothing stops my obsessing. It's just the unanswered questions that kill me and how cruel it is of him not to call. I keep wondering if he's thinking of me or has convinced himself he has no feelings for me. Yes, I WILL survive this, without a doubt but the questions are killing me. Okay, I'll update when I go see him, unless hopefully I get info before that.
PS: this has been a great place to vent... my friends have crummy advice :-)

[Wildcat21]

Actually - I' d go now. Get it over with. See what happens. I like the fact you have some of his stuff.

[turtlegirl]

Yeah, if you go see him at least you'll have some closure. Did you say he's not answering or respoinding to calls? Maybe drop a note that you're coming. I like stuff in the mail because it's a little-utilized way of communication, you could even leave off the return address if you think he might not open it.

It DOES strike me as very odd that you were together almost a year, were discussing your future that very night and then you both said stupid stuff and now it's OVER with no contact. Do you think he had to remove himself to get his head together? (Should he have achieved this by now?) Was the fight that bad? Was he maybe (sorry) looking for an excuse? Do you know if he has a pattern of doing this in the past? I wish he would talk to you, but it sounds like you've given him some "alone" time and now should think about seeing him, at least to exchange belongings.

Good luck. :(

[Wildcat21]

I was coming back here to say you need closure on this.

AND I wanted to say that you don't want to be with a guy who runs after every argument like this - no way. You need to see what he has to say. I am not sure you want a guy like this.

Do you want to be married for a few weeks, get into a fight and he leaves for two months or for good?

Turtlegirl is right here - she's sensible lady. I agree - at least get some closure.

[jennfa]

Okay, in my constant goings over of the events that happened, I think I had a moment of clarity.
Like I said in my first post, we were away for 3 months this winter. We were together 24/7 and having a great loving time. I had his attention non stop. We got back end of April and immediately both jumped back into running our business'. We live 40 miles apart and work 40 miles apart so it just wasn't possible to be together every night. I realize now that I was starting to get y with him if he worked later than planned, or couldn't call when he said he would. I was concentrating on my job and stress and was expecting him to always be there. I was sympathetic to his goings on, but when I look back I was really just thinking of my own needs. For the month that we were back, I think I really was not nice... too demanding. Maybe not having him around 24/7 made me feel like he was pulling away and I got clingy & needy (I am absolutely not that type of person, never have been). The night of the stupid drunken fight, I had walked away from the restaurant that night (so embarresed to say this) because he was talking to one of his female friends and I wantd to go home THEN. (what a ). When he got home right after me I basically accused him of treating me badly, not making the effort to see me. He was pissed because he was making every effort. Driving to my home by 8pm to have to leave by 5:30am to get to work etc. I accused him of having no respect but it was me who had no respect for everything he did for me... which was a lot. So for a month I baggered him... he put up with it and that night when I blew up at him,I accused him of not caring. I guess I don't blame him now for leaving. I apologized in my message to his voice mail but now I know I must try to fix this. I will still wait a bit longer though to show I'm not so needy. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Wildcat21]

"made me feel like he was pulling away and I got clingy & needy" - happens top everyone. Me. I lost my last gal because a version of this - got her back though after 3 months of N/C, changing, learning what pushed her away, getting in great shape, etc. - My gal is extremely stubborn - it was very hard - sounds like your's is?

It takes time.

I would go see him for closure.

Getting needy can make you go bizerk. Also - my gal is LD a lot - I see 3 or 4 days a week now - the others we work.

Needy clingy can make you forget things and what's going on. 90% of the problems on this site are because of that.

I do, again, advise reading some of the free articles at www.lovetactics.com -they helped me lot.

[BattleAngel14745]

Message deleted

[turtlegirl]

Thank God for clarity! So you messed up and you own it. You're allowed that much if you don't make a habit of it.

I think you're right about giving it some more time. If you've apologized over the phone, give him a week to come around and return the call and then proceed as planned. GO SEE HIM if that's the only way you can communicate. You deserve that; no, you NEED that. Then briefly explain what you explained here -- you were needy, you see that, you apologize and it won't happen again.

(And how do you feel about him telling friends you've broken up when he hasn't said that to you?)

[Wildcat21]

"It also sounds like he's the type of person who would never admit being wrong even if he is wrong. He would die fighting saying he's right."

Yes - that's so true - I've delt with it. It's hard to change some one like that - especially if they are a little older.

You got to go see him - especially since it's been a couple weeks.