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clandestine1 · Jul 5, 2007, 08:44 PM

My ex just recently graduated from the NYPD academy, something he'd been in college for while we were dating. Now, he's out on the streets patrolling, and I know contacting him is a bad idea, so I'd like to write out how I feel here. For one thing, my dad told me the other day that he sees my ex on the train every morning, my ex apparently said hi to him one day, and they talk now whenever they see each other. My ex told my dad about graduating and about patrolling, apparently. His sister, my long-time friend long before I even met my ex, told me recently that it doesn't seem like the girl he's with now is going to be around too long.

Before I get flamed for that, I understand completely that it can't be about his sister or his parents thinking I'm right for him, it has to come from him. But I was honest enough with her for the first time in 6 months and I admitted that I feel like he found another "me," as in another long-term serious relationship, instead of the brief flings he'd had before. Its hard because living so close, I still see his mom around town and she refers to me as "the one that got away." All of this makes NC hard. We don't talk, haven't in months, yet he talks to my dad, I see his sister almost daily, and now I was invited down to Florida with my friend to see her grandparents...

I'm happy for my ex that his new girlfriend was there to see him graduate (she invited herself to his grad) and that she's been around for it because I know how much it means to him to do this. That said, I still had that twinge of pain to know that she gets to be there for it and I don't. She gets to be there for him, and for right now... I'm not because I know we both need to do our own thing. It was constantly topic of conversation the whole time we were together, him being a cop, me pursuing my career, what it would be like, the different processes etc. I guess the point is... I can't say a lot of what I want to say to him, and I'm writing it here so that at least its somewhere.

I'd want him to know how proud I am of him and how much I respect his determination to see this through. I'd want to tell him that he'll wear his badge with honor; that even though he might get hassled or he might have days where he questions why he bothers, he's making something of himself the way I've always known he would. I'd want to tell him to remember why I named that star after him, that its because he's a part of something so much bigger and he's going to find his way home no matter where he is. I'd give him a huge hug and wish him the best of luck in everything he does. I'd tell him I've never stopped believing in him, even though we're apart.

And for all of these reasons, I can't contact him. Because my heart, though mending, isn't strong enough to risk being shattered again. Because as much as I love him and believe in him, I'm focusing on making my life something as well. So that one day I can have that kind of success, that pride, and I can know that I did it. Because as proud as I am of him, and as much as I pray for him every night that he's safe out there in NYC, I've been getting to know new people, I've been crushing on new guys, and I've been doing my best to make damn sure I continue treading water and fighting not to get in over my head again.

I wonder if we parted ways to get our lives straightened out so that, if ever given a second chance, we can have it free of the stressors that were there originally. Part of me wonders if he'll ever come back, no matter how many guys I date, no matter how much time goes by... =/

jazzbabie · Jul 5, 2007, 08:54 PM

Originally Posted by clandestine1

My ex just recently graduated from the NYPD academy, something he'd been in college for while we were dating. Now, he's out on the streets patrolling, and I know contacting him is a bad idea, so I'd like to write out how I feel here. For one thing, my dad told me the other day that he sees my ex on the train every morning, my ex apparently said hi to him one day, and they talk now whenever they see each other. My ex told my dad about graduating and about patrolling, apparently. His sister, my long-time friend long before I even met my ex, told me recently that it doesn't seem like the girl he's with now is going to be around too long.

Before I get flamed for that, I understand completely that it can't be about his sister or his parents thinking I'm right for him, it has to come from him. But I was honest enough with her for the first time in 6 months and I admitted that I feel like he found another "me," as in another long-term serious relationship, instead of the brief flings he'd had before. Its hard because living so close, I still see his mom around town and she refers to me as "the one that got away." All of this makes NC hard. We don't talk, haven't in months, yet he talks to my dad, I see his sister almost daily, and now I was invited down to Florida with my friend to see her grandparents....

I'm happy for my ex that his new girlfriend was there to see him graduate (she invited herself to his grad) and that she's been around for it because I know how much it means to him to do this. That said, I still had that twinge of pain to know that she gets to be there for it and I don't. She gets to be there for him, and for right now...I'm not because I know we both need to do our own thing. It was constantly topic of conversation the whole time we were together, him being a cop, me pursuing my career, what it would be like, the different processes etc. I guess the point is...I can't say a lot of what I want to say to him, and I'm writing it here so that at least its somewhere.

I'd want him to know how proud I am of him and how much I respect his determination to see this through. I'd want to tell him that he'll wear his badge with honor; that even though he might get hassled or he might have days where he questions why he bothers, he's making something of himself the way I've always known he would. I'd want to tell him to remember why I named that star after him, that its because he's a part of something so much bigger and he's going to find his way home no matter where he is. I'd give him a huge hug and wish him the best of luck in everything he does. I'd tell him I've never stopped believing in him, even though we're apart.

And for all of these reasons, I can't contact him. Because my heart, though mending, isn't strong enough to risk being shattered again. Because as much as I love him and believe in him, I'm focusing on making my life something as well. So that one day I can have that kind of success, that pride, and I can know that I did it. Because as proud as I am of him, and as much as I pray for him every night that he's safe out there in NYC, I've been getting to know new people, I've been crushing on new guys, and I've been doing my best to make damn sure I continue treading water and fighting not to get in over my head again.

I wonder if we parted ways to get our lives straightened out so that, if ever given a second chance, we can have it free of the stressors that were there originally. Part of me wonders if he'll ever come back, no matter how many guys I date, no matter how much time goes by...=/

I'm so glad u shared your story and its great you wrote it out and in a way I feel bad for u just knowing your going threw all that it must be really hard and it is... belive me I know my x lived across the street from me.. we were tog for about 3 to 4 years and after we broke up it was so hard to see him everyday with someone tat he stared dating it was very heart breaking and so hard to go threw.. bt eventually I learned tat in life if u love someone let them go if they come back their yours and if they don't then u deserver something so much better...
I hope the best for you... good luck and hang in there.. things will get better
t.c

CaptainRich · Jul 5, 2007, 08:59 PM

What will be, will be. Time has a way of mending things. Time has a way of easing ones judgments, giving us time for retrospect.

It seems to me that if the opportunity arose, that you'd be okay with it.

I like that in a person. I think you'll be fine.

clandestine1 · Jul 13, 2007, 06:51 PM

Its been five months, and I've done a lot of healing, a lot of self-improvement, and I've spent a great amount of time with friends as well as by myself. Work is going well, my personal relationships are solid, and after five months of NC with my ex... I cracked. I didn't contact him, but I did check his/his gf's profile pages to find out if they're still together. They are. Its nothing major, but he's been on my mind way too much lately, and in that sense, its breaking NC.

I started NC for me, to take back my own sense of self and to start working on who I am without my ex in my life. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, and I was ready to stand on solid ground. If you read my posts prior to this, you'll see that we've been broken up for almost 2 years, so I'm supposed to be ahead of more recent break ups in terms of how far along I am with everything. I'm not. I took a break from dating for a little while, just to focus more on myself, to work and hang out with friends without any stressors like a relationship. I do want a relationship eventually, but I'm not going to lie, part of me looks at my ex having found someone he's been with for a little over 6 months and I wonder what I did wrong.

This is an odd situation, as his present girlfriend works where I used to, is friends with my ex-co-workers/girls I was friends with, and I hear about them a lot. He talks to my dad on the train going into work, which is nice but its not like he used to go out of his way to talk with my family. It was a bit of a sore spot because I'm close with my family and I'd invite my ex for family dinners and whatnot but he couldn't commit to it. He'd always say, "its not like we're getting married or anything."

Part of me wonders... if the grass is greener for him. If maybe NC wasn't just about me separating myself from it and learning everything that I have about myself. If maybe it means we will never speak to each other again. I'm not even sure what's best. I know I could never talk to him now because when we used to talk, he'd bring up the girlfriend just to bring her up, even the most generic conversations, shortly after he'd told me he didn't want a relationship. Again, better explained in previous posts. I WANT to better myself. I WANT to find the courage to take that next step and be in a new relationship, show that person and myself that I won't make the same mistakes.

But even with NC, I still have that pang that's gotten fainter whenever someone (my father, my friends, my best friends father who helped my ex get into his precinct he's in now, his sister who's one of my best friends long before I even knew him) talks about him, or says they don't think he treats his girlfriend now any better than he treated me. It doesn't help, no matter how hard I try not to think about it, no matter how much I tell myself it wasn't all my fault, I can't seem to ever look back on it without blaming myself for why it didn't last. Or why it is he's with her, and not me.

clandestine1 · Jul 15, 2007, 07:09 PM

... Its been a really crappy day.

I have days, sometimes long periods, where I don't think about my ex at all. I don't concentrate on missing his friendship, our past relationship, last summer when we became reacquainted, any of it. That day was today...

... and then his girlfriend came into the clothing store I work at. She knows where I work, and she tried on some stuff with 2 friends, then, came out and was looking around. Then, I hear from my friend his girlfriend went the store (in another mall) my friend works out, gave her a rude look, then left shortly after, making sure to turn around and look at her again.

I have LEFT MY EX ALONE. I haven't contacted him since he's been with her, and I don't go to my former workplace because I respect that she works there now and I do not. You can call it coincidence, but coincidence or not, seeing her just brought it all back. She's younger than me by almost 2 years, she seems like a nice girl otherwise, but its like, you got the guy. Just leave me alone. Today just sucked. Plain and simple.

FrOsT_bItE · Aug 6, 2007, 08:42 PM

Its been five months, and I've done a lot of healing, a lot of self-improvement, and I've spent a great amount of time with friends as well as by myself. Work is going well, my personal relationships are solid, and after five months of NC with my ex... I cracked. I didn't contact him, but I did check his/his gf's profile pages to find out if they're still together. They are. Its nothing major, but he's been on my mind way too much lately, and in that sense, its breaking NC.

I started NC for me, to take back my own sense of self and to start working on who I am without my ex in my life. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, and I was ready to stand on solid ground. If you read my posts prior to this, you'll see that we've been broken up for almost 2 years, so I'm supposed to be ahead of more recent break ups in terms of how far along I am with everything. I'm not. I took a break from dating for a little while, just to focus more on myself, to work and hang out with friends without any stressors like a relationship. I do want a relationship eventually, but I'm not going to lie, part of me looks at my ex having found someone he's been with for a little over 6 months and I wonder what I did wrong.

This is an odd situation, as his present girlfriend works where I used to, is friends with my ex-co-workers/girls I was friends with, and I hear about them a lot. He talks to my dad on the train going into work, which is nice but its not like he used to go out of his way to talk with my family. It was a bit of a sore spot because I'm close with my family and I'd invite my ex for family dinners and whatnot but he couldn't commit to it. He'd always say, "its not like we're getting married or anything."

Part of me wonders... if the grass is greener for him. If maybe NC wasn't just about me separating myself from it and learning everything that I have about myself. If maybe it means we will never speak to each other again. I'm not even sure what's best. I know I could never talk to him now because when we used to talk, he'd bring up the girlfriend just to bring her up, even the most generic conversations, shortly after he'd told me he didn't want a relationship. Again, better explained in previous posts. I WANT to better myself. I WANT to find the courage to take that next step and be in a new relationship, show that person and myself that I won't make the same mistakes.

But even with NC, I still have that pang that's gotten fainter whenever someone (my father, my friends, my best friends father who helped my ex get into his precinct he's in now, his sister who's one of my best friends long before I even knew him) talks about him, or says they don't think he treats his girlfriend now any better than he treated me. It doesn't help, no matter how hard I try not to think about it, no matter how much I tell myself it wasn't all my fault, I can't seem to ever look back on it without blaming myself for why it didn't last. Or why it is he's with her, and not me.

clandestine1 · Aug 13, 2007, 07:45 PM

I've posted in the past about my relationship, anger, sadness, even hope. I'm not sure how long its been since my last post, but its been 6 months of NC and I'm having difficulty with forgiving myself. Unlike a lot of people, I don't just look at my ex and say, "He was wrong." I look at a situation and say, its 50/50 if he was wrong, I was wrong, too. My question for those here at ENA is how do you forgive yourself? How do you stop wincing with regret when you think of things you said or did that were hurtful or impulsive? I know that I loved my ex, I know that I did all that I could while in the relationship and months after we'd broken up to show him how I felt. I've accepted that we will never get back together, and will probably continue with NC indefinitely.

My biggest hurdle is forgiving myself, and inwardly hoping one day he will let go of all the negative feelings he may have towards me, though I know I can only control my actions and not his. I wasn't perfect, I know when we fought I said some really stupid things that effected him, such as "I know I can find and do deserve someone who will treat me right." At one point he had said he'd never find anyone better, though now I'm pretty sure all guys say that while in a relationship because when I said it after we broke up, it really hit a nerve. I've always regretted saying that because when I said it, I never believed it I was just scared he would, indeed, find someone "better." Back then, my self-esteem was much lower. During these months of NC, I've accepted that I did the best I knew how, and what I meant by my statement wasn't so much "you'll never find anyone better than me" but was really my way of saying, there was nothing wrong with me that validates how you treated me. If that makes any sense?

I want to forgive myself, even if he may never forgive me for the way I went NC. 2 weeks after telling me he didn't want a serious relationship and didn't want to reconcile, he had a new girlfriend and claimed they were "serious" after 2 weeks. It hurt, and I said that if I ever wanted to know if I meant anything to him, he'd just made it crystal clear. Again, something that didn't need to be said. I want to forgive myself, and not say horrible things like that. I want to be forgiven, so I can make peace with myself. A huge part of me during the last 6 months of NC has really been struggling with that, and needs to know that... its okay.

The other posts are still somewhere on the board, its been a long haul, but I feel really good about things. Most importantly, I'm feeling really good about myself because I feel stronger now than I did 6 months ago. Even still, baby steps...

Jiser · Aug 13, 2007, 08:44 PM

Keep with No contact and with time those feelings of hurt will leave. Memories will be all that remain. Stay busy and keep improving yourself, things can only get better! That someone special will be along sooner or later.

Sometimes you just have to learn to let go, you cannot fight the past, it is what it is. If you make an active choice to let go it can make all the difference. Forgivness, etc etc, perhaps its time to just let go.

lmnotok · Aug 14, 2007, 01:12 AM

The only way that you can forgive yourself is TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE.

Its time to take care of and love yourself and relax!

diya · Aug 14, 2007, 04:04 AM

I know you're kind of blaming yourself for ruining that relationship and hoping if there was a way you could at least tell the other know at this point in time how ridiculous u feel about what you said, right? I look at it this way... relationship which is so fragile to break at the drop of a hat, is actually fake and no party is responsible for it. All you can do now is to remember him fondly... the moments you spent with him will fade with time... will get blurred, all that would remain with you would a lifetime experience... so learn and try not to make same mistakes again in future.

clandestine1 · Aug 15, 2007, 06:36 PM

Originally Posted by FrOsT_bItE

Its been five months, and I've done a lot of healing, a lot of self-improvement, and I've spent a great amount of time with friends as well as by myself. Work is going well, my personal relationships are solid, and after five months of NC with my ex...I cracked. I didn't contact him, but I did check his/his gf's profile pages to find out if they're still together. They are. Its nothing major, but he's been on my mind way too much lately, and in that sense, its breaking NC.

I started NC for me, to take back my own sense of self and to start working on who I am without my ex in my life. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, and I was ready to stand on solid ground. If you read my posts prior to this, you'll see that we've been broken up for almost 2 years, so I'm supposed to be ahead of more recent break ups in terms of how far along I am with everything. I'm not. I took a break from dating for a little while, just to focus more on myself, to work and hang out with friends without any stressors like a relationship. I do want a relationship eventually, but I'm not gonna lie, part of me looks at my ex having found someone he's been with for a little over 6 months and I wonder what I did wrong.

This is an odd situation, as his present gf works where I used to, is friends with my ex-co-workers/girls I was friends with, and I hear about them a lot. He talks to my dad on the train going into work, which is nice but its not like he used to go out of his way to talk with my family. It was a bit of a sore spot because I'm close with my family and I'd invite my ex for family dinners and whatnot but he couldn't commit to it. He'd always say, "its not like we're getting married or anything."

Part of me wonders...if the grass is greener for him. If maybe NC wasn't just about me separating myself from it and learning everything that I have about myself. If maybe it means we will never speak to each other again. I'm not even sure whats best. I know I could never talk to him now because when we used to talk, he'd bring up the gf just to bring her up, even the most generic conversations, shortly after he'd told me he didn't want a relationship. Again, better explained in previous posts. I WANT to better myself. I WANT to find the courage to take that next step and be in a new relationship, show that person and myself that I won't make the same mistakes.

But even with NC, I still have that pang thats gotten fainter whenever someone (my father, my friends, my best friends father who helped my ex get into his precinct he's in now, his sister whos one of my best friends long before I even knew him) talks about him, or says they don't think he treats his gf now any better than he treated me. It doesn't help, no matter how hard I try not to think about it, no matter how much I tell myself it wasn't all my fault, I can't seem to ever look back on it without blaming myself for why it didn't last. Or why it is he's with her, and not me.

You quoted me... but no response lol... wasn't sure if that was intentional or if you just forgot to write something?

clandestine1 · Aug 15, 2007, 06:50 PM

I'm in a slump of sorts right now, and am having a hard time with the knowledge that it will soon be the one year mark of my ex and his current girlfriend. If you followed my previous threads, you'll understand the significance of that. I can't seem to shake the feeling that we only lasted 10 1/2 months officially, not including everything after that happened while we were no longer together, and they have almost hit 1 year. It makes me feel so many different emotions at once.

First of all, I haven't posted in awhile because things have been going really well for me. My job is great, I see my friends/family daily, I selected my courses for the upcoming semester, and I've been feeling great about myself. However, I've been keeping my eyes/mind open to meeting someone, looking past looks and being open to meeting new people, but I haven't. I've gotten over my ex as much as I can, I never talk about him, I don't write about him in my personal journal, and I don't ask any of our mutual friends about him like I used to.

How can I explain this without sounding self-degrading? Its been 6 months of NC, and I've yet to forgive myself for a lot of things that happened. I have a psychologist, we talk about issues as they come up and I always feel better when I've been able to really get to the root of a problem. Right now, I feel inferior to my exs girlfriend. I know that sounds absurd, but if she's with him longer than I was, doesn't that erase me in some part? Furthermore, while he may be immature, he couldn't commit to me yet has been with her almost longer than he was with me. I was reading a post by starscollide that talks about men being with girls similar to their exes... and that's how I feel. I feel like he went out and found someone so much like me, who's not me.

I go from wanting a boyfriend, to not wanting any part of it because I'm scared. I'm scared of being hurt the same way all over again, I'm scared to be put down and have some guy prove that my ex was right about all of the negative things he pointed out about me while we were in contact. This is about the one place left I can even discuss this situation, as talking about it with my closest friends will be a set back to any progress I've made in the last 6 months.

E12191G · Aug 15, 2007, 07:28 PM

OK well first of all, no that doesn't erase you in any part. He can still have feelings for you regardless how long he's been with her. My x has been with someone longer then we were together and will confess that he still loves me more then he's ever loved anyone. But yeah, sounds like you've has a lot of progress getting over him. If you are strong enough to not ask questions about him to close friends then I'm sure you can get over the fact that he's with her longer then you . Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Or maybe its something you guys have to go through. But if its he case where he's found someone like you and is very much in love with her then he's very much in love with you too. If you guys are the same it would only make sense that he loves the both of you. But anyway. You seem like a strong perseon so I suggest you start seeing other people to help you get over him because your not completely over him. If you weree you wouldn't have posted this. If you do date though. I suggest you don't give your heart out so quick so that way you won't get hurt if it doesn't work out. Good luck with that!!

clandestine1 · Aug 15, 2007, 08:14 PM

That's the thing, though. Part of the reason I stopped asking about him was because 1) I was making such great progress that I didn't want to set myself back and 2) mutual friends had confirmed that he wasn't treating her much better than he treated me. So it wasn't like he was so in love with her, which made me feel even worse because he could give up someone he's known for 3 years for someone he just met, and the fact that its not even something solid makes it that much worse.

Thank you for responding to my post, and for your kind words. I'm trying to get back into the dating scene, without much luck at this point. I'm hoping when school starts I can meet new people through activities/classes/or after school clubs. It gets harder as you get older I'm realizing, and I have questioned if this is something we have to go through. I think I've become a lot stronger in the last 6 months, I've learned a lot, and I'm still sticking to my resolve by keeping my distance. Its just days like today where you start feeling old feelings, or in my case, run into connections between you that make it hard not to think about someone who was once such a big part of your life.

clandestine1 · Aug 21, 2007, 09:33 PM

HELP! I just recently created a Yahoo Personals profile to try something new and to try my luck, really. I was contacted by a very good looking guy close by my neighborhood who looked familiar. Upon seeing the link to his Facebook, I saw my ex had been one of the last to comment, which means... they're friends.

I have NEVER been the kind of girl to date a guy and then a friend, and I feel guilty enough that the guy even contacted me. We've never met, he just sent me a message via Yahoo personals asking to know more about me...

What's the right thing to do!?

Huno... if you're out there, it's the significant ex I've posted on here about so many times... THE ex... I just need to know how to reply to this guy's email without sounding like I'm being a b*tch about it.

Dennis777 · Aug 21, 2007, 10:01 PM

Hello.

Its always better to be safe so don't contact him. It could be he likes you and doesn't know who you are but it could be a set up and they want to play head games. I don't know how you get along with your ex or if there is kids but to be safe let this one go.

Dennis777

clandestine1 · Aug 21, 2007, 10:04 PM

Originally Posted by Dennis777

Hello.

Its always better to be safe so don't contact him. It could be he likes you and doesn't know who you are but it could be a set up and they want to play head games. I don't know how you get along with your ex or if there is kids but to be safe let this one go.

Dennis777

No kids, I'm only 20... haven't talked to the ex in about 6 months. It's a very hard situation, and I never fully got over him. Its funny because of all the freakin guys on that site, this kid has to come up as the Top Match. I guess its better not to contact him, or reply to his message. My AIM sn is up there though, so I suppose if he IMs me I can simply explain that its better we not converse? I don't want to seem like a b*tch, but... he probably doesn't realize his friend was my first love. =/

Dennis777 · Aug 22, 2007, 06:47 AM

Hello

It would be better if you don't chat with him, if you have to answer him you could tell him that he knows your ex and you don't feel it would be the right thing to do at this time. Don't tell him you haven't got over your ex or anything about your past. You don't want to open doors for head games.

Dennis777

talaniman · Aug 22, 2007, 06:58 AM

Be straight with him and just tell him you can't mess with a friend of the ex, and leave him alone.

clandestine1 · Aug 22, 2007, 08:02 AM

Well... talk about timing! First of all, I should be honest and point out that had I not seen my ex's Facebook, I never would have known they are acquainted. Second, I have it posted on there that I'm not just interested in potential dates that I would like to make some new friends with common interests, as well.

I would never mess with a friend's ex, but being friends with him I wouldn't be against. He goes to my college, likes the same music, enjoys the same activities. Part of the reason I'm having a moral debate with myself is that my ex dated a girl I was acquainted with after we broke up, and she stopped talking to me so I wouldn't find out. I'm not like that, I'm straight-forward and honest, but I'd have to admit I looked at my ex's profile... thats the problem as well.

And then the ex IM'ed me. 6+ months without contact and out of nowhere, he just IMs me wanting to know how I'm doing, talking about work and the latest CDs we've purchased for over an hour. HELP?