[1BeautifulGoddess]

I'm in a terrible situation and it's affecting my son and I. I gave up my apartment to move in with a man I thought loved me. He has continued to cheat on me with several women, and constantly mentally and emotionally abuse my son and I. I pray to god I don't get a disease. I have been looking for a full-time job so that I can leave him, but nothing has come through. I have no family to turn to... only God and prayer. I will never make this mistake again... I have paid dearly and continue to pay for this mistake.

[Shaunta]

Everyone Makes Mistakes! Just Try And Stay Away From The House Or Keep Your Son Away From Him As Much As Possible.. go And Get Yourself Checked Out... I Will Keep You In My Prayers I Wish You Luck :)

[trevordog]

I'm in a terrible situation and it's affecting my son and I. I gave up my apartment to move in with a man I thought loved me. He has continued to cheat on me with several women, and constantly mentally and emotionally abuse my son and I. I pray to god I don't get a disease. I have been looking for a full-time job so that I can leave him, but nothing has come through. I have no family to turn to ... only God and prayer. I will never make this mistake again ... I have paid dearly and continue to pay for this mistake.

Well here's a sugjestion ummm TURN HIM IN TO THE POLIES DUHHHH

[endless8infinity]

Do you have any friends you can stay with? If they know your situation, I'm sure they will be supportive. In the meantime, keep looking for the job. Be determined to get out. And while you are trying, stay out of the house as much as possible and let your son spend a lot of time with friends so he can be out of the house as much as possible. And remember, if he lays a hand on you or your child, go to the police and press charges. There are programs available for battered women. They will give you and your son a safe place to stay while you get yourself back on track.

[asking]

You need an escape plan. He sounds extremely abusive and it's difficult to know how he'll react if you leave. Some abusive men become violent if the woman tries to escape his control. An escape plan is something you can learn about either from a battered women's shelter or from websites about abuse. But try to keep your plans secret from him. If he can check your browser--if he has acces to your computer, he might-- try to do your research at the library or somewhere anonymous so he can't see what you have been reading. If you feel really confident that he won't get violent, fine. But still be careful. Basically the escape plan would consist of having your kids' records, your own financial papers etc, some money, a place to go he doesn't know about. Stuff like that.

You can do this. Be brave. It takes strength to put up with what you have been going through. Don't let him persuade you that you are weak, because you are not. He will likely sense that you are drawing away from him and escalate his abusiveness and manipulativeness. Try to keep your head clear of his games. When he tries to charm you or promises to change, don't believe it for a second. Good luck!

[ddog22]

Leave right now, pack your things and go, they will help you get on your feet. Your child is your first priority, your sex life and feelings should come second. Live for your children. What would you tell your son to do?

[ddog22]

You need an escape plan. He sounds extremely abusive and it's difficult to know how he'll react if you leave. Some abusive men become violent if the woman tries to escape his control. An escape plan is something you can learn about either from a battered women's shelter or from websites about abuse. But try to keep your plans secret from him. If he can check your browser--if he has acces to your computer, he might-- try to do your research at the libary or somewhere anonymous so he can't see what you have been reading. If you feel really confident that he won't get violent, fine. But still be careful. Basically the escape plan would consist of having your kids' records, your own financial papers etc, some money, a place to go he doesn't know about. Stuff like that.

You can do this. Be brave. It takes strength to put up with what you have been going through. Don't let him persuade you that you are weak, because you are not. He will likely sense that you are drawing away from him and escalate his abusiveness and manipulativeness. Try to keep your head clear of his games. When he tries to charm you or promises to change, don't believe it for a second. Good luck!

Hello asking, that is why I said to leave right now. Like five second from reading this message! Don't even stay long enough to take the chance to be abused any more. The police can escort you back to go get your things! There was no guilt trip, I was just telling you to protect her child and herself! The more time you stay the more time you put risk to something bad happening. Are you kidding me? If this were my daughter and grandson, I would be there yesterday!

[asking]

hello asking, that is why I said to leave right now. Like five second from reading this message!

I know you mean well. I understand the feeling of wanting to yank someone out of a bad situation. But it's still bad advice. Experts on abuse unanimously recommend an escape plan. If you leave precipitously without a plan and resources in place (papers, valuables, children, phone numbers of all your friends, whatever), you make forget something important that you need. The abuser will use that as a way to get back in touch with or control or hurt the victim. Without a plan, it's MUCH easier to end up back under the control of the person you are leaving. Also, the act of leaving is itself much more dangerous than just being there; escape needs to be planned as if it were dangerous because it is. Here's an example. <http://www.tufffemme.com/WomensCauses/escape.html> With children, there are a few more things to remember. If someone were in a combat situation and under fire, you wouldn't tell them to just run anywhere. This is like that. People who want to help need to stay cool and think clearly.

[ddog22]

Didn't I say go to a shelter? And have the police escort her to get her things. I don't know why you would suggest somebody stay in a potentially violent situation, I have no idea where your experiences or training come from. BUT, if this was my daughter, I would have had been there yesterday. Please for the sake of all the children in this situation, don't suggest that they should stay one more minute for potential abuse. No paper work or fear should keep someone in a bad situation like this for one minute longer. If she has family or someone that could help, she should get out ASAP and not wait for a plan. That to me is a recipe for disaster. Watch the news every now and then.
You have some good points but it isn't worth the risk.

[johnnyb08]

Your situation sounds very much like mine. It's not so easy to just pick up and go. Most abusers will make sure you are alone. They start like, where has this man been all of my life. Then slowly begin to put wedges between anyone that is supportive to you. I don't know about you but his money is his money and my money is his money. They want you isolated. That is just the tip of the iceburg. God willing when I am finally free of this, I would really love to find a way to help women/families in this prison. There is not enough awareness about it and it is a VERY real problem. I would love to talk more if possible.

[jenn4094u]

He will not change. That is the simple truth. There are wemon's shelters you can go to if you don't have friends or family you can count on. Get out now. Don't walk out of his life... RUN as fast as you can! You can find a job and a way to get back on your feet with love and supprot from others who care about you. It will be OK, You can do this. Be strong... and don't allow him to hurt you or your son ever again!

[johnnyb08]

Thank you for the encouragement and I am in total agreement. Don't have a lot of support right now and because of finances, I'm ashamed to say, I let my reg. and insurance lapse. Now I am transportationless. I do have hope however. I really believe God is going to make a way for me this year where it seem there is no way.
Too bad you don't live close. I just did something that I have NEVER done and that is colored my own hair. I used a little almost black underneath, black and carmes highlights on top. It was a great, funky idea, it's really not that terrible but I could have used some help with the high and lowlights.
I've been looking for articles on emotion and mental abuse. If you know of some good resources, let me know, just for my own peace of mind so I don't get into that whole blaming myself place. As sad as it is, as someone said, I hate violence but a slap or punch goes away more easily.
Thanks again.
D.

[jenn4094u]

I wish I did live close, because not only would I have made your hair look awesome, I would probably wisk you away from there and help you out of this mess!Find a support group in your area for battered wemon and go to meetings. Find an online support group to always have someone to talk to. I know leaving is easier said than done, but, truthfully, you won't have peace in your life until you do. You are too good for him and he knows it!

[johnnyb08]

Thanks for the awesome words of encouragement. What you said about him knowing that I am too good for him and he knows it, I notice more and more that when something good happens for us (me and children) he gets extra vindictive. I've tried to understand and explain his behavior but I've given up. It's his garbage, and I refuse to own it. I used to which I guess is the whole purpose for their games. But thank God! Literally! Even though it hurts, it's his mess. When I'm gone, he still has his mess. I am finally soooo ready to be done with this. Thanks again. I'm here if you need an ear. If it's o.k. I'd like to keep in touch. It helps since I'm not driving (temporarily) and I don't want to take my son to meetings. I know of several, I just can't get to them presently.
Thanks again
D.

[JustDad]

I am a father of a 16 yr old girl.
I was married for about ten years, during which I was a real bastard to my wife.

She divorced me


She stayed single for awhile and then starting dateing other guys

I dated other women

I have allways had a really close and involved relationship with our daughter, now 16 yrs old

Her mom picked new boyfriends, about 75% of them were abusive.

I went to counseling to greater insight into my own screwed up behaviour.

She met this guy and ended up marrying him
He abuses both her and also my daughter emotionally/Mentally.

On a DAILY basis.

My daughters self esteem has plummeted since they have become married. He constantly puts her down, berates the mother, belittle the mother and calls both names. And he drinks


MY ADVICE TO YOU IS THIS:
Im not mental health professional, and considering how I have acted in my past, which I am DEEPLY ashmed of, probably not fit to judge anyone... well my advice is this:

CRASH LAND.

LEAVE

Its NOT going to be comfortable, but you can go to battered women's shelters and organizations to take you in, hide you so that wonderful guy you lived with can't find you and they they can help you establish a new life. It would be good if you could find a close girlfriend to watch your kid while you worked or looked for work instead of using the SHELTERS day care. Kids had enough mental scarring.

Yup... my advice.. leave NOW.
There IS no good time to do this and it is going to hurt, but you'll be glad you did later. Cause the other choice is that you stick around until something really bad happens

Screw That.

Leave him. Hes a piece of trash. You deserve better and will find better if you DEMAND better and learn to read men.


Sincerely

Fred

[asking]

Thanks for the input, Fred.

This OP posted in July, just once and has not been back. I assume she's not checking the site here.

I recommend you post a separate thread about your issues with your daughter's step father. It sounds pretty serious. I think people here would be happy to discuss it.

[JustDad]

ASKING:

I posted a long post about my 16 yr old and the abuse she is suffering above THIS post.
Please read and reply.

Thanks

Fred

[johnnyb08]

Fred (just dad) no such thing as "just dad". I'm so glad to hear that you are on your daughter's side.
As far as just leaving, honestly-no excuses but I'm not sure if I mentioned that this is my 3rd such relationship and by far the cruelest because it involves one of my sons. The first time this happened, I looked into all kinds of ways to leave. The women's shelter would have nothing to do with it because he didn't "hit" me, and as I've said, and don't get me wrong,I am by no means into pain, but a punch although holds it's own painful effects, doesn't come close to the insane mental and emotional effects. My son is very impressionable right now (8) yrs old and just wants to be liked. On the bright side, my son has an appt. with a counsellor this week. I'm really hoping this lady knows how to assist him in understanding that women are not just waitresses, nurses, etc. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is loved by me and he adores me also, so God willing, I will continue to show strength and boundaries.
Thank you so much for your honesty and I will mention you and your daughter in prayer.

[johnnyb08]

By the way, you mentioned "reading Men". I thought I was getting better at that. I've seen little warning signs with the present mr. wonderful, he was great. He said he didn't want kids and I didn't want a father for my kids since they have one. I noticed he was very attached to "his" material things, and if he wanted something that someone else had, he'd make some kind of you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours deal. He always ended up with the better end of the deal because he'll do what he has to do to get what he wants. That seemed harmless to me. So he's willing to work to get what he wants. I see now that it is an obsessive need to 'have things' to look good on the outside. If you first meet him, he will tell you he has a boat, a classic car, his house, a harley, but the thing is, is he found a crumb on my sons bedroom floor which has new carpet. I asked him, if there were a fire, which would you save, my son or the carpet? I'm not kidding- it's that bad. I honestly can picture him throwing water on the carpet first. When he tells you what he has, he doesn't tell that he paid nothing for them except to refurbish-also a good quality, to be skilled at making things nice but it's for all of the wrong reasons. It screams, look what I have. It's not until later that you find out that he doesn't use any of it, it just sits there looking nice. Very phony. Koos fra baa. (for anyone who has seen anger management)
But taking care of what you have can be a very admirible quality, so as far as reading men, I see good, and I don't want to become cynical. Ah well, finding a man is way way down on the list anyway if you know what I mean. : )

[divya4753]

I'm in a terrible situation and it's affecting my son and I. I gave up my apartment to move in with a man I thought loved me. He has continued to cheat on me with several women, and constantly mentally and emotionally abuse my son and I. I pray to god I don't get a disease. I have been looking for a full-time job so that I can leave him, but nothing has come through. I have no family to turn to ... only God and prayer. I will never make this mistake again ... I have paid dearly and continue to pay for this mistake.

There are women's shelters in most communities. Call a mental health center or a social worker at any hospital to find one. They will help you to get out of this bad and abusive situation.