[Mockinbird]

These comments are directed to the men out there. I made sure I put on some Kevlar and my flack jacket since I know women out there are not going to like what I am saying. I have a few marital issues and I'm not quite sure how to address them... My wife is currently a stay at home mom and has packed on 50 pounds. She used to take care of herself and was active with soccer; now she’s pushing 190 and shall we say... let herself go! When she had a job it was just enough to pay for her gas to and from college. I continue to pay for her college loans and all expenses. No, she has yet to USE her education. So we have been on one income for 14 years. The first seven years were for college and the second seven for the kids. She seems in no hurry to go back to work. We did agree she would start once the youngest was in school. That’s this fall. Yet she hasn't been motivated to act on her own. I must always push and I hate that... The time spent has not been easy on me. I have made sacrifices of working long hours at a job I hate. Not to mention the 5 hour commutes. I did this just to make ends meet so she could stay at home until the kids were in school. The thing that gripes me the most, she hates house work. She rarely cooks and the house is a cluttered mess. She has no schedule, she gets up whenever... and the day just happens... I cook about 70% of the time. I do laundry every other day so I know I will have my work clothes. I attempt to clean on the weekend but the house is such a mess it doesn't take long for me to get Pis*^ed off. I can't relax with a messy house yet she seems fine with it. I built us a brand new house to start our family. I designed it; I acted as my own contractor and built it. Now to see it cared for this way burns my cookies. If I say anything she gets mad and cleans up for a few days and then its right back. We fight about the same two issues. Her not cleaning and lack of money. If I say the house is a pig sty then I'm the bad guy. If we are broke, she starts crying because we are living paycheck to paycheck. She suggests I work more hours. Every column I read is from the women’s point of view. How hard women work. How bad they have it compared to us men. I don't buy it. I would trade in a heart beat how good women have it these days. I'm sick of the one sided argument of how tough women have things. It’s no wonder there are so many divorces. It seems to me like so many women feel entitled to have men supply them with so much, yet men are jerks if they have expectations.

Now my question.

Do any men out there have the same problems? And how did you deal with this?

[Clough]

I don't think that this has anything to do with how "tough" women have it these days as compared to men. I think that it has more to do with your being willing to work to build a family while having the need to prove who you are by showing others the successes that you have had by your accomplishments in your life. I am sure that your wife is intimidated by you. And, I am sure that you don't see that fact. Please have a heart for her and have a talk with her. Listen to her.

Just from my perspective, if you want a marriage to be successful, then you are going to need to spend a lot of time working at it to be successful. If you are making a five hour commute for work purposes every day, then I wouldn't think that would be a very good way to work in trying to build a marriage or a family. I think that your wife is probably rebelling in various ways, some of them subtlety, because you are not able, nor willing to spend very much time with her or your children, because of the things that you need to do for your job. This has been your choice. You have mentioned nothing about the quality time that you have spent with your family, only your accomplishments and your complaints regarding your family.

If you make the choice to spend more time with your family, rather than working, I think that you will find that your wife will come around and be more productive towards making your marriage more successful. Also, as well for the potentials in her own life. She will probably make use of the education that she has received.

I would suggest trying to find a job that is closer so that you don't have to spend so much time travelling to and from it, so that you can then spend more time with your wife and your children. After all, you do speak of it being a job that you hate. Why would you want to work at a job that you hate?

When was the last time that you really spoke with your wife to find out about the things that she needs in her life? This is an important question, as I don't think that the two of you have really been communicating as to what each of you really wants.

Your children are going to learn things from you, good or bad, by the way that you are acting now. They will carry what they have learned from you for the rest of their lives. It will happen. It will go from generation to generation. You may speak one thing, but it is your actions that really tell the story of who you are and what you mean by what you say.

I would also suggest working to build a family first. All these "things" that you are providing really mean nothing. Money and the possession of things has never been proven to provide happiness. The people that have those things in abundance can still lead miserable lives.

Anyone can build a house. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. But, it takes guts and commitment to build a home, if it is to be shared with others. Houses can be compared to motels, nothing out of place, everything perfect. We feel like we are not at "home" in them - only visiting.

Homes are a place where you can just flop and be yourself. So what if they are messy? If they are messy, it looks like someone really "lives" there. If you have someone over to your home, you just clean things up a bit - doesn't have to be perfect.

If I were you, I would ask myself first, "What does my family really want?"

Hopefully, others will come along to provide their perspectives and opinions.

[Lacey5765]

Good answer above. Ok I am not a man but was a stay at home mom for many years while my children were young and like your wife returned to work when the last one entered school. During those years I don't think I appreciated the freedom I had and wonder now why I don't get more accomplished. On the other hand I remember feeling exhausted from entertaining children. We did without many things during those years but I wouldn't trade them for any mansion or yacht. It can be frightening going back to work. So talk with her about her fears. Maybe she is afraid of entering the work force again especially if she wasn't very successful the first time. Suggest that she talk with the employment security office to brush up on her skills. She may also be depressed if she isn't able to get anything done at home or may have a sleeping problem. Or of course depending on the age of your children just plan worn out. Ask that she get a physical to check for any medical issues. How does she sleep? I recently was diagnosed with RLS and now have so much more energy. Please talk it over. I understand your resentment but try to see what she does do in a day. Maybe you can stay home one day and see how the days goes and you may have a different perspective. Don't let this anger ruin your marriage.

[Emland]

I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with her. Not screaming or accussing or blaming, just state the facts. You are the designated breadwinner therefore her part of the family duties is to manage the hearth and home. That arrangement is not unreasonable. She might be a little depressed; probably a little scared to out in the job market and if you are constantly pushing, she is probably digging in out of resentment.

I don't understand a 5 hour commute to a job you hate - I wouldn't do it for a dream job. That commute is sucking out your free time and probably makes you less-than-pleasant when you get home. Coming home to a messy house with no food on the table really can make anyone that works a little nuts, but it isn't worth losing your marriage or family for. If your kids are all in school, they need to be helping around the house as well.

I hope things work out for the best.

[inthebox]

Mockinbird:


You are to be commended for busting your butt and puttting her through school, serving as a general contrator [ anyone who has done this knows it isn't easy ], and doing some of the household chores.

I, too, would be upset.

How many children do you have ? Being at home teaching, feeding, serving as referee, counselor, medic, for the children while also being cook and maid is a lot harder than most jobs and the pay sucks.

Often times the resposibility is overwhelming and she may have just given up, especially if she is being criticized for what she does not do.

Rather than seeing things as her and I, perhaps, you should tell her you love her no matter what [ and you do to do what you have done - some guys won't work at a job or at home], and approach your problems as a team / together. Discuss a budget, a priority order for household chores, and accept that some things are not perfect or the way you want them. Have someone watch the kids so that both of you can get a relaxing night together several times a month.


I wish you the best.





Grace and Peace

[phillysteakandcheese]

I can sympathize. I have been in your shoes for years.

As above - You've got to have Work/Life Balance. I work like a dog until Thursday, but starting Friday afternoon I wind down and forget about work for the weekend. This gives me at least two full days to do things with my family.

I can make anything fun... Whether it's housework, or grocery shopping, or walking through a park... Time spent with me is fun. Folding towels isn't that interesting, so you've got to add that special something for your wife that makes that time spent with you interesting.

Being open with your money is also important. I'm salaried, so I always know what my pay is going to be. We have an open budget and know what each of our contributions are and what our expenses are each month. This makes it easy to see when we have "extra money", so we can decide what we can do together with it as a special treat.

I know these things don't sound easy, and you probably think that you shouldn't have to do any of this. You're right on some levels - You shouldn't. But the alternative leads to divorce - and that is a much more expensive and unhappy place.

[Dennis777]

Hello.

It's easy to just say she is taking advantage but there can be much more to it then that. She went to school where she was someone, a student working for a reason. She had a goal in mind. Then that stopped on graduation day and she was left with no place to go. Her next job is being a mother and that's a lot of work in itself but in many cases not rewarding if she had high hopes in being someone that is looked up to in the working world. All the work going to school for what, being a stay at home Mom.

OK Ladies don't get me wrong I give Moms all the credit in the world. It's a hard job 24/7...

So with all this said we need to come up with a reason to get her motivated and living life. How about starting with making her feel sexy and wanted. You know the way she felt when you met. Take her to a spa for a full make over. Then out to dinner and a movie or dancing. Treat her like the special lady you know is inside.

She isn't going to change over night, Its going to take time and energy from you ro make her feel needed and wanted. But I bet in a short time she will be the sweet Sexy Lady you Love and she will be loving life.

Good Luck
Dennis777