[notcoolenough]

I am not sure where to begin. I am 21 years old and have battled depression and suicidal ideation since the age of 7. I have attempted suicide multiple times and have been on many types of meds. As I got older... I got a bit wiser. I still think about suicide every day and really would like to erase myself from existence but I choose not to because of my parents and the one friend that I have. I try very hard to be smart in life and not do anything to make my life worse. I have abstained from drugs and alcohol all my life and choose my jobs wisely. I don't even know what I am asking I guess... I just want my mind to stop working. I cannot describe the amount of lonliness I feel. I have never had a girlfriend for longer than 3 months, except for one. I fell in love once and broke up with her out of confusion... by the time I admitted my mistake and my love... it was too late and she found someone else. This has been a huge factor in my life. I miss her terribly and the fact that I have such a hard time making friends makes it more hard. I have a problem in which I am way to nice to the point where people, especially girls, take total advantage of that and take my friendship for granted. I have developed such a dislike for girls because of all the girls I have ever had in my life. They have literally all screwed me over/screwed me up. Everyone around me is a partier and often drugs/alcohol gets in between my relationships. I have the will power to continue with my life... but at what cost? I am tired of feeling alone in a room full of people. I am tired of always being broke and wondering if I should spend money on my meds, food, or bills. On top of these problems and sickness... I have a hidden quality about me. Secretly, I am a very very perverted person. I am always sexually frustrated even after sex or masturbation. I have very extreme fantasies and again, I can never seem to find the right person who shares these feelings. You would think something this lame would not be a problem... but it kind of interferes with my life. Even for a guy, sex should not be this big of a part of me. If that makes sense. I have an extremely low self esteem even though I am constantly complimented on my 'good' looks and great personality... but I always wonder why I cannot find someone and when I do... why are they always so horrible to me? They always lie very heavily to me, cheat on me, or leave me for a complete . I think it is funny that the one girl I have ever fell in love with is the complete opposite 'physically' of what I desire in a girl. I think this says a lot. I always think I am over her or have moved on, but then I have a dream about her or something reminds me of her. We were best friends but after I broke up with her and she found someone else... that someone else forbids her hanging out with me. Honestly, this was kind of good at first... since we broke up and things were really hard. But now... after like 2 years, I would really like tyo be able to hang out with her again. On top of this, her BF is a complete and I am almost positive she won't break up with him because she is the type that stays with anyone who gives her the time of day. She has no self esteem either. She has lost so much weight with him and she is very unhealthy. I have tried to get her to think things over in the past, as well as her friends before she lost all of them. I cannot stand to see her in this situation. It is one thing to not be able to be with her and it is one thing to not be with her because she chose someone else, but when that someone else is an... it gets on my nerves. I work my off at a doggie daycare. Despite me request for a raise (after 6 months) and my managers plea to the owners to give me a rais.. they denied me. They don't even give me the 40 hours I should be getting. Not even 30 and I am the hardest and most praised worker there. No one likes theowners and we lose clients all the time. They are the new owners... it has been about a year for them and we have lost clients of about 4 years to them. I love my job because I love all the dogs and clients... but I can't live like this. My finances are not being supplimented. I have loked for other jobs but it is hard to find one here and one that wouldn't make me more miserable than I often am. My roommates were angry at me for a very long time because I am so antisocial. I stay in my room all day. But I have recently made an effort to go out of my room and hang out with them for at least an hour. I think what it all comes down to and what I am saying is that I am just lonely. I had a really really close friend. Best friend after I broke up with the one I loved... but after about a year with her she did a complete 360 and I suddenly saw a side of her I did not like. It was the side everyone else saw. I used to feel bad for her because of her past problems with friends and relationships... but now I know why, especially after talking to past people in her life. I tried to get her out of my life and completely ignored her until she showed up at my window at 1am and begged, cried, and begged for me to give her 'one last chance'. I did and she blew it. It sucks because we were so good for each other. She has borderline personality disorder which is a big part of it... but not completely. She did a lot of stupid things to betray me. I actualkly don't even want to get into that. I really just want to not be lonely anymore. I really would like to, at the least, have a best friend and keep them forever. I have made certain efforts... going out, being more social. All these are very very hard for me to do and I force myself to with little results. I just don't get along with most people. People usually just don't understand me. They get freaked out. They think I am sick. I have a very morbid, dry, and sinistar sense of humor. I acvtually have a great sense of humor... I am not just morbid and dry.. but it is my primary sense of humor and my favorite. I also hate sex. I constantly want it, but hate it. Again, it is lack of self esteem. I try really hard to be good at it... but my biggest complaint is the fact that I don't last long at all. Especially not long enough to do everything I or we like. You know? I have all these fantasies and things I want to do but I can't even last long enough to have sex in more than one position. Girls always tell me it doesn't matter if the orgasm or not and that may be the case... but it would be nice if they did. It makes me feel so poorly of myself. I know they will leave me because of it, I am sure girls have because of that. I know I am young and still pretty much a kid. I just want to love again and I want someone to love me back.. whether it is friendly or more than friends. Any type of physical contact would be nice. I have one girl who is down from college. She is my only friend and I see her far less than I would like too. She promised we would see each other almost every day... but it has been very far from that. I think she has better things to do and better people to hang out with. I probably seem so depressing to her. I try hard not to talk about my problems... but some times I need to let them out to someone other than my therapist. Like right now I am so upset and on the verge of tears. I am empty. And iw ant more than anything to be able to call someone and have them come right over with ice cream and a movie. I want something. Someone. It would be nice to be able to have a dog. But my living situation doesn't allow it. I think I drive people away on purpse but sub consciously too. I think I am so tired of being hurt that I don't want to be in that situation ever again. I am tired of people leaving me. And now I am rambling on. I don't even know what this is about or how anybody could possibly help me. However, it has helped. I spent the last 30 minutes writing when I originally wanted to cut myself. I think life is a complete waste. I am going to go now. I am actually going to simply go to bed so I can go through this all again tomorrow.

[turkey]

Hey hon, I think we've all been there a time or two! It does get better I promise and I'm very glad that you wrote ths instead if cutting yourself! We are always here if you want to talk!
Trish

[Capuchin]

Just a tip (please don't take this the wrong way).

If you took some time to apply some basic formatting to your question (most importantly paragraphs), more people will be inclined to read it.

[templelane]

Hello don't have long before work but will be back.

I have one answer - if you come too quickly go for it have a rest and then do it again. The second time you'll last longer and then you can have all your fun . You are probably coming so fast because you are so pent up thinking about it all the time.

What are your interests except for animals? It's a real shame about animal related work - it never pays well, so many people want to do it. What qualifications do you have? Is there anywhere you could do maybe a course in animal husbandry or work towards being a vet nurse? Expensive I know but think about it as an investment.

You seem like a smart sensitve person. Keep trying, I think you are doing a lot of right things (forcing yourself to socialise) it will get easier.

As for the dog thing - can you get any animals at all? Get rats they behave a lot like dogs - loyal come to their name, you can train them, they don't fear you like other rodents. Pocketdogs.

OK have to go now will try and be more sensible later - just wanted you to know I'm listening (well reading but you know what I mean.)

[Mockinbird]

I will try to keep this as simple, since I spell so bad. You have a limited amount of experience of how wonderful life can be.. In fact, Life may have truly sucked for you so far. Life has a way of being unfair. It's a fact you will have to accept. Depression is a horrible thing. I have been there... the increasing self induced isolation and alienation it brings keeps building and building... so you try to analyse yourself to 10000 degree. How about you realize you need to give yourself some room to make a mistake and time to learn. It may appear others have more on the ball... NOT likely! We all have our baggage. Stop dwelling on yourself so much.. stop NEEDING so much. You long for unconditional love. No one gets that from your fellow man but from GOD. Jesus loves you just as you are and he will be the light when all others fail you. I'm sure you've heard of Jesus but have not really tried to find out about him? Jesus taught about all of life's struggles and he has the answers you seek. Its hard to get off the Drama train. You can hold on to it because you come so used to riding it for so long. Depression is also a physical thing. It appears you have some medication for depression.. medication alone will not cure you. You need to rewire your way of thinking. Take time to forgive those whom have done you wrong. Forgive yourself for pain you have caused. Leave your old self behind and start a new. I was in a similar place once. I almost walked away from everything jumped on a bus and went to some far off place to start over... where nobody knew me. Then I would have a fresh start. One fatal flaw... You can't run from yourself. You need to adjust your behavior a little each day. Picture the man you want to be... take a small step to becoming that man each day. Learn to like yourself and others will get closer. I can't show you all the mistakes I have made and the pain I felt. I wore similar shoes as you wear now. I was completely hopeless in my mind and wanted to die. That was then... In time I realized just how much God has blessed me... he has given me so much. I now have a Wife and children and a wonderful life. Is it perfect... NOPE... but its mine. I live for more than myself... someone out there will NEED your love... you will be everything they desire. You will matter to them. It may be tomorrow you meet them... it may be two years. Learn to be patient. Be kind. Forgive those who treat you wrong... someday it will be you that needs the same forgiveness. Investigate Jesus... he will never fail you. I will pray for you. Because I need to... and because someone prays for me as well.

[rainydaymuse]

Craigslist.

Go there-- there are plenty of people that are just as "perverted" if not more so than you, and they will not be ashamed of what you say.

[rankrank55]

First of all, if you are ever feeling lonely, come here and spill out what you need to just like you did tonight. Writing you problems and feelings down is good for the soul. You sound so smart and your unique personality burst through your words... and yes you are very good looking! Take it all in and eternalize the good things that people say to you. Don't hate girls just because a lot of them have done you wrong in the past. Doing this will only cause you to give girls bad "vibes." There is someone out there for you, someone who will appreciate how nice and sweet you are without taking advantage of you. Someone who loves dogs just as much as you do. In my opinion, you should let go of the girl you loved two years ago; if she wanted you as much as you wanted her then you would both be together right now. You deserve someone who wants you just as bad as you want them. I giggled when I read the part about your job! Sounds a lot like mine; always something getting under my skin there and the owner doesn't know what he's doing. I'm 21 as well and I can relate to you about how people our age are really into the whole party hardy scene. Personally, I'm not into that either so I stay away from the people who live for it. Surround yourself with people who interest you. In order to do this, you must meet people in the right atmosphere. Heck, we are all perverts sometimes! Seems like your loneliness is getting the best of you in that department. About sex, 99.9% of men do not have "movie sex" where they go at it for hours and do all kinds of different positions. For most men, it takes just a few minutes in one position which is okay. Most girls don't really like to do it for hours anyway. If you want the satisfaction of giving a woman an orgasm then do it before the actual penetration happens. Oral and physical stimulation of the clitoris work wonders! I love who you are by just reading your post and there is so much more I'd like to add and I will just have to come back and do it! Good luck and keep you head up.

[Capuchin]

Thanks for the balancer rank. That I haven't read it because it's an intimidating wall of text.

I'm certain that the reason that there have only been 5 replies is because of this. People don't want to waste their time. If the OP had spent a few minutes formatting properly, there's no reason why he wouldn't have gotten pages of replies.

[GlindaofOz]

It sounds to me as if you are a very sensitive person who is very focused on the negative aspects of his life. I believe that if you were able to shift your focus off all the things that are dark aspects and as stupid as it sounds but focus on the positive it may make you feel better. You have a job, you have a roof over your head, you have your parents, you have a friend. Those are all great things. Many people in this world have none of those.

Are you in counseling? If you can't afford it there are services available through your town's mental health services you can receive help for as little as $5 (its all based on your salary).

Regardless. We are always here all day everyday. There is always someone on these boards. As other posters said you are just starting in this life. You've experienced some bad years well you have what 60+ years ahead of you. Why not try to turn it around for yourself and find some joy in this life? Its really there and I know you could find it.

[Bluerose]

notcoolenough,

You are only 21, you have your whole life ahead of you. I too suffered with depression most of my life. I was quite suicidal through out my twenties. Then I decided I didn't want to die. Then I discovered something... The impulses didn't just stop. I had to acknowledge over and over that I had changed my mind. Eventually the impulses stopped. Most people don't realise that they can change their mind. They believe this is just the way things are and they are just as they are supposed to be. It's not so. You have already made those changes. You are aware of how you feel and why you feel like this and you know you don't want to die. Unless I am very wrong, it's time for you to say "No thank you" when ever the impulses strike. Things are never as bad as they seem, and there is more warmth and joy in your life than you realise.

[SShul]

i am not sure where to begin. i am 21 years old and have battled depression and suicidal ideation since the age of 7. i have attempted suicide multiple times and have been on many types of meds. As i got older... i got a bit wiser. i still think about suicide every day and really would like to erase myself from existence but i choose not to because of my parents and the one friend that i have. i try very hard to be smart in life and not do anything to make my life worse. i have abstained from drugs and alcohol all my life and choose my jobs wisely. i don't even know what i am asking i guess... i just want my mind to stop working. i cannot describe the amount of lonliness i feel. i have never had a girlfriend for longer than 3 months, except for one. i fell in love once and broke up with her out of confusion... by the time i admited my mistake and my love... it was too late and she found someone else. This has been a huge factor in my life. i miss her terribly and the fact that i have such a hard time making friends makes it more hard. i have a problem in which i am way to nice to the point where people, especially girls, take total advantage of that and take my friendship for granted. i have developed such a dislike for girls because of all the girls i have ever had in my life. They have literally all screwed me over/screwed me up. Everyone around me is a partier and often drugs/alcohol gets in between my relationships. i have the will power to continue with my life... but at what cost? i am tired of feeling alone in a room full of people. i am tired of always being broke and wondering if i should spend money on my meds, food, or bills. on top of these problems and sickness... i have a hidden quality about me. secretly, i am a very very perverted person. i am always sexually frustrated even after sex or masturbation. i have very extreme fantasies and again, i can never seem to find the right person who shares these feelings. You would think something this lame would not be a problem... but it kind of interferes with my life. Even for a guy, sex should not be this big of a part of me. if that makes sense. i have an extremly low self esteem even though i am constantly complimented on my 'good' looks and great personality... but i always wonder why i cannot find someone and when i do... why are they always so horrible to me? They always lie very heavily to me, cheat on me, or leave me for a complete . i think it is funny that the one girl i have ever fell in love with is the complete opposite 'physically' of what i desire in a girl. i think this says a lot. i always think i am over her or have moved on, but then i have a dream about her or something reminds me of her. We were best friends but after i broke up with her and she found someone else... that someone else forbids her hanging out with me. Honestly, this was kind of good at first... since we broke up and things were really hard. but now... after like 2 years, i would really like tyo be able to hang out with her again. On top of this, her BF is a complete and i am almost positive she wont break up with him because she is the type that stays with anyone who gives her the time of day. She has no self esteem either. She has lost so much weight with him and she is very unhealthy. i have tried to get her to think things over in the past, as well as her friends before she lost all of them. i cannot stand to see her in this situation. It is one thing to not be able to be with her and it is one thing to not be with her because she chose someone else, but when that someone else is an ... it gets on my nerves. i work my off at a doggie daycare. Despite me request for a raise (after 6 months) and my managers plea to the owners to give me a rais.. they denied me. They dont even give me the 40 hours i should be getting. not even 30 and i am the hardest and most praised worker there. No one likes theowners and we lose clients all the time. They are the new owners... it has been about a year for them and we have lost clients of about 4 years to them. i love my job because i love all the dogs and clients... but i can't live like this. my finances are not being supplimented. i have loked for other jobs but it is hard to find one here and one that wouldnt make me more miserable than i often am. my roommates were angry at me for a very long time because i am so antisocial. i stay in my room all day. but i have recently made an effort to go out of my room and hang out with them for at least an hour. i think what it all comes down to and what i am saying is that i am just lonely. i had a really really close friend. best friend after i broke up with the one i loved... but after about a year with her she did a complete 360 and i suddenly saw a side of her i did not like. it was the side everyone else saw. i used to feel bad for her because of her past problems with friends and relationships... but now i know why, especially after talking to past people in her life. i tried to get her out of my life and completely ignored her until she showed up at my window at 1am and begged, cried, and begged for me to give her 'one last chance'. i did and she blew it. it sucks because we were so good for eachother. she has borderline personality disorder which is a big part of it... but not completely. She did a lot of stupid things to betray me. i actualkly dont even want to get into that. i really just want to not be lonely anymore. i really would like to, at the least, have a best friend and keep them forever. i have made certain efforts... going out, being more social. All these are very very hard for me to do and i force myself to with little results. i just dont get along with most people. People usually just dont understand me. They get freaked out. they think i am sick. i have a very morbid, dry, and sinistar sense of humor. i acvtually have a great sense of humor... i am not just morbid and dry.. but it is my primary sense of humor and my favorite. i also hate sex. i constantly want it, but hate it. again, it is lack of self esteem. i try really hard to be good at it... but my biggest complaint is the fact that i dont last long at all. Especially not long enough to do everything i or we like. You know? i have all these fantasies and things i want to do but i can't even last long enough to have sex in more than one position. Girls always tell me it doesnt matter if the orgasm or not and that may be the case... but it would be nice if they did. it makes me feel so poorly of myself. i know they will leave me because of it, i am sure girls have because of that. i know i am young and still pretty much a kid. i just want to love again and i want someone to love me back.. whether it is friendly or more than friends. any type of physical contact would be nice. i have one girl who is down from college. she is my only friend and i see her far less than i would like too. she promised we would see eachother almost every day... but it has been very far from that. i think she has better things to do and better people to hang out with. i probably seem so depressing to her. i try hard not to talk about my problems... but some times i need to let them out to someone other than my therapist. like right now i am so upset and on the verge of tears. i am empty. and iw ant more than anything to be able to call someone and have them come right over with ice cream and a movie. i want something. someone. it would be nice to be able to have a dog. but my living situation doesnt allow it. i think i drive people away on purpse but sub consciously too. i think i am so tired of being hurt that i dont want to be in that situation ever again. i am tired of people leaving me. and now i am rambling on. i dont even know what this is about or how anybody could possibly help me. However, it has helped. i spent the last 30 minutes writing when i originally wanted to cut myself. i think life is a complete waste. i am going to go now. i am actually going to simply go to bed so i can go through this all again tomorrow.

Hey man! I don't know you but I have an answer for you. There are actually many people that feel the same way you do. I have meet many who feel like there is no purpose in life. If you want you can call email me and I can give you my number so that we can talk. That is if you would like. I know how you can get out of the depression mood. My email: [email protected]. I am no joke. I feel you man.