[YDog5]

I'm 44 years old, and I can't remember one single minute in my entire life when I was anything but resentful to be alive. Even as a small child, I remember always being angry that I was here. I am searching and searching my soul, and I honestly can't come up with a single day that I thought, believed, felt, expressed, or even said in jest "Gee it's good to be alive!" Never once.

I've had a pretty miserable life, too, and that combined with how unhappy I am to have to be here to deal with it just makes me wonder. What is so good about life? Nothing.

There is pain and suffering everywhere. People around me are constantly in pain. My brother died last year from an accidental (?) overdose. My mother has survived cancer after many years of serious illness, my father has had strokes and heart surgery, my aunt is dying, my sister is constantly in the hospital, my other sister has had 3 miscarriages. I myself am 44 with absolutely no chance of having children (after two abortions following two rapes in my earlier years).

I have always been kind of cavalier about death, my grandma used to make me laugh, saying she couldn't wait to "get up there and have tea with my Aunt Rose". I never knew anyone who died with whom I was very close, except my brother. A few months before he died, he and I had a huge blowout over something that was HIS fault, and he basically told me he had no use for me. Then he died. And a year later I'm feeling angry and mean and pissed off.

I don't like people, I'm constantly pushing friends away. I get annoyed when someone calls me, even if they just want to see how my weekend was. I don't want to talk to anyone, I never look in the mirror because I"m afraid I'm going to vomit over how ugly I am.

I dont' have any drive or ambition, the only emotion I seem to have is rage. I have no interest in life, or it's pain in the rear complications. And I don't see what's wrong with that. Why does my sister always tell me I need a counselor or prozac? Why is it so abnormal to resent having been born?

If someone held a gun to my head and said, "Live or die, no complications, no troubles, no repercussions, which do you choose?" - I choose die. And I don't see why that's such a big deal.

What's so great about me anyway that anybody gives a crap? Nothing. Nothing.

[Cinnabar]

It seems that your resentment has a lot of foundation from previous bouts of emotional pain. That's probably why your sister suggests that you see a counselor and she is right in this case. Even if you don't want to take the drug therapy route, it helps to at least talk these issues out with a professional that can help you interpret and resolve them. The very fact that you're posting on these forums about this now shows that you are looking for some sort of answer and understanding. Please see a psychologist/psychiatrist.

And why not focus all of this rage and anger into something productive that can benefit others? I think that because you are accepting of death, that you know the trueness of how limited our time being alive is. Use this time to write your name into the history books. Pursue an education that will allow you to go into research that could save lives. Volunteer at homeless shelters and food banks. Go read to children in the leukemia wards at your local hospital. If you feel that your life is hopeless/worthless, spend it helping someone else to feel that their's isn't. It could help you more than you know.

[YDog5]

Well, I guess I can respond first by saying that my sister's suggestion of seeing a counselor seems useless and senseless to me. To me, seeing a counselor will potentially help me "FEEL" better about being so ugly and mad. It won't make me any less ugly. I don't want to feel better about how much I hate life, I just don't want to live.

I don't have the brain power to do anything. I don't have the energy to help people. I have never asked a single soul for a single thing. I have never asked for the time of day from a clock. And believe me - I've never gotten it, either. I feel like I was a huge mistake. Like someone's playing a sick joke on my parents or something. It's just such a drag. Life is a big, fat drag and I'm a useless piece of crap taking up air.

[Cinnabar]

You seem to have very strong self-image issues and there's no reason for anyone to feel that way. I can assure you that there are worst off people than you but none of them (or you) are a waste of space and outright worthless. You are worth what you make of yourself. If you don't like the way you are, improve it! I really do suggest seeing a therapist if even just to casually chat.

Keep in mind that nobody can help you if you don't want to help yourself but the fact that you came and posted here about this issue shows that somewhere, even if deep down, you do want to have a better understanding of why you feel the way that you do. Just take the first step and pick up that phone to make an appointment. It won't hurt... I promise!

[YDog5]

Well I actually came here to find out the answer to my original question, which is why is it such a bad thing to not want to live? Why do people see that as such an abomination? I will never figure out what drives people to say "life is a gift". Life isn't a gift. People suffer. People hurt. People hurt other people. Life is not a gift. It's a punishment.

[SUP3R TOAST]

I'm 44 years old, and I can't remember one single minute in my entire life when I was anything but resentful to be alive. Even as a small child, I remember always being angry that I was here. I am searching and searching my soul, and I honestly can't come up with a single day that I thought, believed, felt, expressed, or even said in jest "Gee it's good to be alive!" Never once.

I've had a pretty miserable life, too, and that combined with how unhappy I am to have to be here to deal with it just makes me wonder. What is so good about life? Nothing.

There is pain and suffering everywhere. People around me are constantly in pain. My brother died last year from an accidental (?) overdose. My mother has survived cancer after many years of serious illness, my father has had strokes and heart surgery, my aunt is dying, my sister is constantly in the hospital, my other sister has had 3 miscarriages. I myself am 44 with absolutely no chance of having children (after two abortions following two rapes in my earlier years).

I have always been kind of cavalier about death, my grandma used to make me laugh, saying she couldn't wait to "get up there and have tea with my Aunt Rose". I never knew anyone who died with whom I was very close, except my brother. A few months before he died, he and I had a huge blowout over something that was HIS fault, and he basically told me he had no use for me. Then he died. And a year later I'm feeling angry and mean and pissed off.

I don't like people, I'm constantly pushing friends away. I get annoyed when someone calls me, even if they just want to see how my weekend was. I don't want to talk to anyone, I never look in the mirror because I"m afraid I'm going to vomit over how ugly I am.

I dont' have any drive or ambition, the only emotion I seem to have is rage. I have no interest in life, or it's pain in the rear complications. And I don't see what's wrong with that. Why does my sister always tell me I need a counselor or prozac? Why is it so abnormal to resent having been born?

If someone held a gun to my head and said, "Live or die, no complications, no troubles, no repercussions, which do you choose?" - I choose die. And I don't see why that's such a big deal.

What's so great about me anyway that anybody gives a crap? Nothing. Nothing.

I understand my father died of cancer recenently, and my mom is a total Bi***. And what really kills me is I had cancer like my dad. When I was 7 years old. I was 13 when he was dead I am 15 now and to tell you the truth I believe my entirefamily hates me. Its like they think I killed my dad. And just like you I wouldn't care if I died either I just want to see my mom die first. Even though that may be going to far, I still want to see it. I probably wouldn't even attend the funeral or the wake for her.