[katatonia]

I don't know what is wrong with me or if there's nothing wrong with me. When I tell people I feel depressed they just laugh at me. My parents, my friends, my boyfriend, none of them believe there is something wrong with me and yet I know there is. I first attempted suicide when I was 14 and now I'm 21. I have made 3 other attempts during those 7 years, the last being a few months ago. But the only time an attempt had serious effect on me was when I was 14 so no one has noticed the other attempts. I just gather all the pills I have and down them all and then find comfort in the drugged stupor. I enjoy being numb.

And now I have an important exam coming up in 2 days and I'm unprepared. All my life I have been either the best or one of the best in my class and this time I know I'm going to fail and I'm wondering if killing myself would be a better option. I've been standing in my balcony for the last ten minutes considering if I'm going to jump off or not. And I'm going through the net looking for a chat room or web site that would give me that little push I need to kill myself.

It is the love I have for my best friend and my boyfriend that is making me hang on. But I don't know for how long I can keep this up. Please tell me what I can do. I can't call anyone or any hotline because my family will hear me and they already think I'm loony for "imagining" I'm depressed.

[J_9]

First let me say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can get through this. Here is the number for a suicide hotline in, I believe, your area of the world.

1-692-909

Please call it.

It is imperative that you get counseling, therapy. Depression can be kept in check with medications and proper therapy.

Now, get on the phone and call that number.

[tickle]

Depression can be a great hazzard and to people you love it can seem like just a fantasy if it isn't shown on the outside and held in. I would advice a doctor visit, he will ask you specific questions when you tell him you are depressed. Some meds work wonders and lift your spirit up again so you can function again on a normal day to day basis. Or, seek holistic help which is an alternate medicine and can work wonders as well.

[katatonia]

I'm from Asia. Sri Lanka to be specific. I have considered counselling but it is a small world out here and everyone knows everyone. I know I sound silly but that I think is the reason why my parents never take me for counselling as much as I've asked for it.

[grammadidi]

Is there a hospital or doctor close by where you live? If so, please go there now and tell them what you are feeling. You are 21 years old. You must get your own help if nobody will listen. Let me tell you a little story...

Over 15 years ago, my mother attempted suicide several times when my father was questioning his life and their marriage. On one attempt, she actually did die, but the emergency personnel saved her life. It devastated the entire family. My father could not live with the guilt, so he left. My brother and I still cry about it when we speak of it. My sister's marriage fell apart, her children, especially her oldest still suffered because Gramma's suicide attempts and mommy's pain became the focus instead of playing and having fun. My mother's body was affected by side effects of the attempts. I almost lost my job due to the stress and my husband did lose his. My mother learned how to deal with her pain and is now happy to be alive.

I tell you this so you understand. I know that you feel that failing this exam could feel like such a failure that you feel that suicide is an alternative, but truly it is not. First of all, I doubt very much that you will fail. Second of all, if you do, there are ways to make it up.

It is not enough that you just tell your parents, friends and boyfriend. You MUST tell someone who CAN help. Speak with your school guidance department, your family doctor, or, as I said, go to the hospital. Hon, look... you obviously want help. You have tried and tried to get it. Please, get yourself to a place that actually CAN help you.

It matters not that everyone knows everyone. What matters is that you are in so much pain and you need support and understanding. If you go for help yourself, you will find it! There are answers there for you, and killing yourself is just NOT an option! You were brought into this world for a purpose. You must fulfill that purpose before it is your time.

Please, try to find someone who CAN help you and try to get the help you so desperately need. You CAN get through this. There are people here who care and I am one of them.

Let me know who you find to help, and if you can't find what you need let us know and we will try to find someone or something for you. You are important to many of us. The pain WILL go away without death. I promise!

Warm hugs,
Didi

[J_9]

Hun, that number I gave you is the Suicide hotline number for Sri Lanka. Please call it.

[grammadidi]

By the way, your primary concern right now MUST be you. It doesn't matter if your family thinks you are "loony". Check out this website: Worldwide Suicide Crisis Hotlines. You will find help there.

Hugs,
Didi

[J_9]

Please call this number now.

1-692-909

It is the suicide hotline for all of Sri Lanka

[katatonia]

Thank you. As ironic as it is, I feel calmer now that there are people who are willing to accept I may have a problem that needs to be dealt with. I've been trying that number but I guess it has changed. I will call one of the university counsellors the first thing tomorrow morning. Thank you for helping me hang on.

[grammadidi]

I am so glad you are feeling a bit better. Please, don't let it go, okay? Let us know what you come up with. You may be able to help others in your area by posting what happens next!

Hugs, Didi

[Wondergirl]

Like you, I'm also a perfectionist. Read all of the above answers over and over again until you find some help. Everyone here cares!