He Doesn't Know What He Wants

killerkate · Jun 25, 2007, 05:38 PM

Hey everyone,
I have been with my man for five and a half years. We have been living together for three of those years. The topic of marriage has come up previously, and recently it has been a huge topic for us.
He doesn't know what he wants. I have told him that I want to get married.
He has indicated that he is depressed and he thinks he isn't good enough for anyone, and especially not me. His family life is non-existant and he has no real positive relationship figure to look up to.
We just spent the last five hours talking about our relationship and both of us have cried because we love each other and we don't know if it will work. He doesn't want to marry right now, he's not sure if he ever will, to me, or to anyone.
He just left to stay at a friend's house because he needs time to think about us.

I am completely heartbroken.
Please help me.

CaptainRich · Jun 25, 2007, 06:09 PM

You aren't heartbroken. And he's unaware he's already committed!
I know I was. I've been married since '79 to the same beautiful woman
For reasons I don't know. I've discovered over the years to realize she's the best person I've ever met. I wasn't any more certain then than I am now. But the reality is, we have had a wonderful life. I wasn't confident we would raise children right... they don't come with instructions. What we didn't know, we faked.
Everybody does.
You have each other to cling to.
In five more years, it'll be ten. In ten more years, it'll be...
That's life as I know it. Grow and be patient with other. And support each other. It is going to be wonderful.

Pook_Myster · Jun 25, 2007, 09:40 PM

I am you, and my boyfriend is your boyfriend... I know how you are feeling. Like your boyfriend, mine's parents aren't in the happiest of relationships, and because this has been my boyfriend's example, he is scared that they represent all that marriage is - and I understand how if he believes that, it scares him.

My belief is that it is up to us to demonstrate that not all relationships need be like what our partners think is the ordinary, and it is only in time that they will realise it. Your relationship, like mine, is otherwise happy, both parties see that and agree, so like CaptainRich already stated - he is committed and he doesn't even realise it! For now, maybe that needs to be enough for you?

If the relationship is otherwise good, then it would be silly to break up because one is NOT READY (not actually saying no - just saying no to 'right now')... patience is a vertue =)

Good luck, I'm sure that in time to come you will be posting on this site asking for advise on wedding cake designers and whether to go with pink or gold invitations =)

Pook_Myster · Jun 25, 2007, 09:42 PM

Oh - and I also wanted to add that by him saying that he's not sure he will ever get married, that is really just him saying he's scared... and we all know that boys don't admit when they're scared... it's like asking for directions... it just doesn't happen! Lol... but we love them for it.

killerkate · Jun 26, 2007, 02:31 AM

Hey, thanks for the advice!
I am happy in our relationship, and he was previously, but he hasn't been happy in a long time - related/unrelated depression, I'm not sure. I think he's just overall unhappy with everything.
I'm older than him and I would like some kind of commitment - I'm in my late 20s and I guess I'm feeling the pressure... I don't know. He's a great person but his self esteem is shot. I want to stay with him, and help him through this but he doesn't know if he can make a long term commitment.

Jiser · Jun 26, 2007, 02:39 AM

You both need to talk over your issues. A serious discussion is in order.

Geoffersonairplane · Jun 26, 2007, 02:45 AM

Not sure if you have considered this but have you considered relationship counseling? It might be a good way of communicating together with a professional observer.

Jiser · Jun 26, 2007, 03:09 AM

Great idea there Geoff. I used to baby sit for 4 years for one couple who had 3 kids with another on the way, they were in counseling and open about it. If you both want each other?

rol · Jun 26, 2007, 05:01 AM

Give him time to think about it and wait until he contacts you.

CaptainRich · Jun 26, 2007, 05:26 AM

Originally Posted by killerkate

Hey, thanks for the advice!
I am happy in our relationship, and he was previously, but he hasn't been happy in a long time - related/unrelated depression, I'm not sure. I think he's just overall unhappy with everything.
I'm older than him and I would like some kind of commitment - I'm in my late 20s and I guess I'm feeling the pressure... I dunno. He's a great person but his self esteem is shot. I want to stay with him, and help him through this but he doesn't know if he can make a long term committment.

He was previously? What changed? How's his career situation? If he doesn't feel secure there, he may not feel like he can be a provider. Do you feel like "he's the one?"

You may both wander for the next forty years. If you mean what you say about your feelings for him, I hope you'll wander together. Nobody knows how long forever is.

killerkate · Jun 26, 2007, 08:00 AM

I'm not sure what changed.
He has no real career situation to speak of... to be honest, I'm the provider (I have been working longer than him).
I don't rub it in his face but he IS proud in that regard.
I do feel like he's the One. I've never felt this way about anyone. And I hate the fact that he is uncertain - he loves me, he cares about me, he'd never cheat, but he can't commit.
I'm struggling with this.

Anyway, thank you for all your help... if you have advice keep it coming!

rol · Jun 26, 2007, 08:05 AM

Here's another thread that may help you , its about men who are not ready to commit.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sed-93312.html

nicespringgirl · Jun 26, 2007, 01:56 PM

Ratioanl people have more fear in life than avg. people, may I ask is he a rational person?
Thanks

killerkate · Jun 26, 2007, 02:23 PM

He's very rational, he thinks a lot about stuff. He's also quite gifted, and I think that has lead to his depression.

nicespringgirl · Jun 27, 2007, 07:34 AM

Oh I see... right... see that is the problems. Smart ppl(rational ppl) when things come to important decision making, their fear comes up...

Tell him to read this book that I am reading " if I am so wonderful, why am I still single!"

Good luck

nishnac · Mar 19, 2008, 12:02 PM

killerkate, what happened to you and your situation?
I am in exactly and I mean exactly the same situation and I am so confused about what to do..
I know I have been nagging him asking what he wants and why he is unsure about us but I really don't want to nag him.
He is a lovely guy and we seem to get on great but he has been depressed, he has admitted to that as he has been working so hard and well we haven't had sex in a while and he has turned me down several times which is obviously lowering myself esteem
So I would just like to know what happened with you, just need some advice
Thanks

rol · Mar 20, 2008, 02:15 AM

Nishnac , I've been a similar situation ,

Lesson : if a guy is unsure about you let him go, do not ask or nag.
If someone wants to be with you they do not need to think twice,

Tell him you have had a great few years together but right now you need to move on with your life.

And go, and build a happy life for yourself.

nishnac · Mar 20, 2008, 04:33 AM

I know that is the sensible answer but I love him and is it not like I'm abandoning him when he could be ill with depression?
He has been there for me when my sister died and I went a bit crazy and so I am torn whether to leave him when he could be in his hour of need or just wait until he may come out of it.
We are officially separated at the moment but still living in same house but separate rooms.
So I am hoping that the thought of us selling the house (im going to do some last minute jobs and put it on the market) might shake him up to either get help or realise he is going to lose me
Thanks rol for your reply what do you think now I've explained what I'm feeling now?

rol · Mar 20, 2008, 04:38 AM

I think he needs to look after his own issues, and deal with his own depression, you cannot do that for him,

Let him work on himself, how long has he been depressed or is it just recently ?

Sorry to hear about your sister, that must have been very sad.

rol · Mar 20, 2008, 04:41 AM

Yourself esteeem has probably been lowered for a few reasons and right now you probably feel like you need him too much, perhaps he senses too much responsibility for your hapiness also and maybe he sees he is not making you happy.

Have you been doing things apart from him and continuing with your life or have you been constantly with him? Go out and meet new people and do new things.

Add your answer here.