[Wildcat21]

Seems like 90% of the posts are on heartache...

Follow this stuff CLOSELY - get a life - your lover is PART of your life - not your life:

Most heartache is because one person over communicates and becomes needy-clingy:

When dating, have you wondered why it seems it's the ones that you really don't like whom you can't seem to get rid of and the ones you do like who never seem to stick around? The reason is simple. It's not the person but the way you behave toward them him or her.

What determines interest in another human being is a fascinating thing. Most people are actually on the fence at the start of most relationships. This means that almost every time someone can be swayed toward either liking you or disliking you. And he is moved in either direction - either closer or further - depending on how you relate to him.

This is because as human beings we are forever guided and governed by human nature. The bottom line is that it's not the person you're dating, it's the things you are doing that determine his or her level of interest. So if it's not you - defined as your looks, personality, background, and so on -it must be your that determines the direction and, ultimately, the outcome of the relationship. Behavior toward this person

This very powerful, yet simple psychological strategy can be summed up in one sentence:

You need to behave with the person you don't like the way you've been behaving with the person you do like.

You need to behave with the person you do like the way you've been behaving with the person you don't like


While there are many little aspects of one's behavior there are four main factors, which are discussed below.


Availability

People want what they can't have. By constantly making yourself available, you're actually diminishing your value. This is not a trick or a game to play, but a function of human nature. Attraction is not a fixed value. This means that what someone thinks about you is determined to a large extent by what you do, not but just who you are or what you look like. The law of scarcity is prevalent and relevant in every area of our lives, especially here. That which is plentiful is often under appreciated and that which is rare is held in high regard and considered valuable. When you are dating someone whom you are not interested in, you tend to make yourself available which is convenient for you. And when you're dating someone who you really like you're consistently available. Do the reverse.

This means when you're dating someone you don't like too much, if you are not baking cookies for him, calling him twice a day asking where the relationship is going, and so on, then don't do it with the person you like. And by the way, when you do this with the ones you don't like, they'll be scared off soon enough, so you've eliminated this problem as well.

Usually to get someone to like you, you want to make yourself available, because this increases liking. If this is so, doesn't it contradict the law of scarcity? Here's what is often misunderstood. If you want someone to like you, then you do indeed want to be in their company fairly often. This is true, but remember that liking is the foundation of every relationship. That means that once you move past the liking stage (meaning the person is already fond of you) and the relationship unfolds into something more serious, then you want to limit your availability.

Here's a question. Don't we often see good-looking people with attractive people with attractive partners and vice versa? If attraction has little to do with appearance then why is this so? It's because we are often most comfortable with those of similar levels of attractiveness. (This coincides with studies that show that people are generally friends with those of similar levels of attractiveness.) A good-looking person can sometimes make a less attractive person uncomfortable. So this less attractive person tends to lose perspective and act differently - meaning that she puts the person on a pedestal and does the four things outlined in this chapter that she shouldn't be doing. But it's the things that she's doing -not her - the physical person -which makes the difference. This is validated by the fact that sometimes attractive people are with less attractive people. In these relationships it's likely that the less attractive person feels confident about the relationship and hence behaves differently than their less attractive counterparts. (This "confidence" is replicated here when we apply the four factors to gaining leverage in the relationship.)


Perspective

In your relationships, you need perspective. In life, when we derive pleasure from only one source we tend to overemphasis it's value and importance. You should find meaning in your life outside of the relationship so this person doesn't become your whole world. It's important to feel fulfilled in other areas in other areas of your life so you're able to maintain a sensible perspective and not rely on someone else's affection as your sole source of satisfaction and happiness. When you're dating someone you're not interested in, you have plenty of perspective because you're not thinking, "This is the only person for me; if I don't have him my world is over." You're thinking, "All right, let's see what happens; maybe he'll grow on me, and maybe he won't." And it's precisely that mentality that translates into the best attitude. And it's this attitude and your corresponding behavior that actually make you more attractive.

[toonking]

Man, I was gone for several months. I come back to the forum, and there you are, still the same Wildcat, standing on that soapbox waving your fist.

You speak the truth. Good work! Keep it up!!

[Wildcat21]

If I can just help one freaking person understand how all this works. It's so simple.

I've had heartache - it's avoidable IF you understand how these things work and how your partner works and what they will react to.

[cazzy1]

Thanks wildcat you are so good at this I might have to turn to you for more advice!!

[Roel Zylstra]

What are the other two factors?

[Wildcat21]

There a part two posted here.