[PTMKNH]

I am a successful 39 year old professional male, considered good looking by many with an average build. I am very outspoken at work and manage about 70 people, very good at my job, presentations, etc. The problem is I have no friends. Since high school I come home every day and it is as though I live a second life. I just can't seem to make a friend. High school was over 20 years. I'm very lonely. Every time I meet someone and become friends, I eventually break off ties with the person for so many different reasons - I guess I just become so judgemental of the person that I don't want to be around them any longer. I spend vacations and holiday's all alone. I work a lot to keep busy. At work I am looked to by many for advice, knowledge, and influence due to my position and people I know. I have many acquaintances at work but no close friends. Those close acquaintances are in locations outside of my local town that I live in so that makes it impossible to become any closer with them. To have someone to go to dinner with, movies, trips - I just want a friend and seriously since high school I have never had a person I can call a friend. Many have tried but it has been my fault for not nourishing the friendship. I used to be extremely shy and socially introverted. Now, in personal situations I guess I'm just quiet generally. At work I'm a different person and outspoken. What is wrong with me? I just want a friend. Can someone please help me.

[Wondergirl]

I think you're afraid of rejection, so you reject first so as not to be the one who gets hurt. And by "not finding" friends, you also avoid the possibility of being rejected.

At work you are the big cheese, the one in charge, the one in control. Outside of work, you are just like everyone else--not in charge and not in control. You can't balance the two lives you are leading.

You didn't say where you live. Are there any volunteer opportunities around there?--nursing home, hospital, prison, cat shelter, senior center, horse rescue farm, Y, public library, vet clinic, non-profit group. Is there a Toastmaster's Club in the area? Are there high schools and colleges that would love to have you as a paid or free tutor?

[Haxzor50]

You have plenty of friends, if you look at it the right way...

Look harder...

You have best friends that you didn't even know about...

[PTMKNH]

Wondergirl - I guess I can relate some to your thoughts that I am fearing rejection or being hurt. My late teen years my relationship with my parents took a complete spin and left me feeling alone and deserted. Still bothers me today.

[Wondergirl]

That was 20 years ago. How are you going to get past it? (It's time, you know.)

[misskobe]

I am a successful 39 year old professional male, considered good looking by many with an average build. I am very outspoken at work and manage about 70 people, very good at my job, presentations, etc. The problem is I have no friends. Since high school I come home every day and it is as though I live a second life. I just can't seem to make a friend. High school was over 20 years. I'm very lonely. Every time I meet someone and become friends, I eventually break off ties with the person for so many different reasons - I guess I just become so judgemental of the person that I don't want to be around them any longer. I spend vacations and holiday's all alone. I work a lot to keep busy. At work I am looked to by many for advice, knowledge, and influence due to my position and people I know. I have many acquaintances at work but no close friends. Those close acquaintances are in locations outside of my local town that I live in so that makes it impossible to become any closer with them. To have someone to go to dinner with, movies, trips - I just want a friend and seriously since high school I have never had a person I can call a friend. Many have tried but it has been my fault for not nourishing the friendship. I used to be extremely shy and socially introverted. Now, in personal situations I guess I'm just quiet generally. At work I'm a different person and outspoken. What is wrong with me? I just want a friend. Can someone please help me.

I think that sometimes ending a friendship is the right decision depending on the reasons. And making friends takes time . I used to think that talking to people and getting along well made us friends , now I know it takes time. I had an aqaintance from work that I knew for years , just emailed hello time to time and now I can say we are friends. We don't hang out every day , we just go have lunch time to time or call each other if something is really going on . Just say hi and bye to people . Be friendly but don't try to make friends to quickly . Friendships will grow and become solid over time . It will happen . As for judging people , I do that too time to time , I have to stop myself . I think it is from being screwed over by people before so it is a lack of trust. Now itf people have little quirks I just look over it because none of us are perfect and that is what makes people interesting . The differences we have.
Just know what you absolutely want to stay away from such as drugs or what nots that you don't agree with . Avoid them and just be nice to everyone else. Everyone wants friends . So people will want to know you as much as you want to know them. It just takes time . You don't have to exchange numbers right away or even go out together right away , but just have conversation time to time. And it will grow.
We are all lonely time to time. Just think positive and you will be all right .

[alberto.am8]

No tienes amigos porque eres un mierda

[tipop75]

I can relate to you and so can many others. I'm a loner and I like it that way. Too many life bruises for me to trust people. I'm 34 years old and I have so many people who come up to me and tell me I'm very attractive and that I look like a model. I'm tired and I'm trying to live out my life and wait for the end. I want to live like a hermit. I act unapproachable so people don't find me out. I'm too hurt by my past, but I still have my faith that holds me together. I read and act like I don't have a care in the world.

[tipop75]

I can relate to you and so can many others. I'm a loner and I like it that way. Too many life bruises for me to trust people. I'm 34 years old and I have so many people who come up to me and tell me I'm very attractive and that I look like a model. I'm tired and I'm trying to live out my life and wait for the end. I want to live like a hermit. I act unapproachable so people don't find me out. I'm too hurt by my past, but I still have my faith that holds me together. I read and act like I don't have a care in the world.

[tipop75]

I can relate to you and so can many others. I'm a loner and I like it that way. Too many life bruises for me to trust people. I'm 34 years old and I have so many people who come up to me and tell me I'm very attractive and that I look like a model. I'm tired and I'm trying to live out my life and wait for the end. I want to live like a hermit. I act unapproachable so people don't find me out. I'm too hurt by my past, but I still have my faith that holds me together. I read and act like I don't have a care in the world.

[Gemini54]

To have friends you need to act like one.

Wondergirl's comments have a lot of truth in them, and I suspect that you don't know how to relate to people normally. Normal people are interested in each other, ask each other questions, are tolerant of each others faults and care for each other.

It sounds to me as if you expect too much from a friend and that perhaps you don't know how to give without expecting something in return.

At your age, I would suggest that you should speak with a counselor. You don't actually understand know how to go about making friends, and I think that you will keep doing it wrong until you get some advice and talk through what the real issues are.

If people have tried to be friends with you and you can't nurture these connections into friendships, then I suggest you need serious help.

[L1ly]

Realize that you may not be hooked into a network of people like you, but there are people very similar to you with the same feelings and the desire to have friends. By similar to you, I am assuming you are not some type of nut and that you are similar to me in that your daily associations are with people who you can't befriend due to your position at your workplace.

[spoilsport]

Accept flaws in others. There is always something good in them remember that. Appreciate that in them and tell them so. Accept peoples mistakes. Have a good sense of humor. Have common hobbies. Keep a set routien with some people (without getting too personal) like playing tennis together always at a fixed time. Don't go into areas where in you form judgements . Have a good time and help other people.
No bodys perfect.
Good luck

[Jake2008]

You have one personna at work that has you in high regard, and where you treat people well, and they respect you.

When you are without that safety net, you are a different person. In a social situation where everything is equal, you are shy and introverted.

Maybe it is time to work less, and build some of that confidence and trust in people outside the office. Join a club, buy a dog and hit the parks, get yourself a good bike and hit the trails where you live. Having something in common is a good way to start. I do those things and I've met some really great people along the way.

When you are more comfortable in a setting where people are not expecting you to be anything other than a guy on a bike, or a guy walking his dog, there are no pre-conceived notions and conversation and friendship will follow naturally.

Allow yourself the luxury of the joy of new friendships, and the richness it can bring to your life, and try not to inflect the 'other' person you left at the office at 4 p.m.

[Sam_786]

Hi I'm 24 and feel very lonely. My husband always tells me how I don't have any friends and I must admit that has knocked my confidence. I'm a primary school teacher but find it difficult to approach to my colleagues or anyone for that matter. I don't know if my husband is telling me that I don't have friends so that I actually go out there or make them or if he is just trying to upset me. I feel trapped and bullyed in a way because he always says I'm jealous of him because he has mates. Please help

[TIrwin]

Wow... I thought I was the only person in a "friendless" position. Where I work, a lot of people come to me simply because I'm the only one that knows what I'm doing lol. But after that, It's like night and day. 90% of my time outside of work is spent at home playing XBox... My situation is a little more harsh being that I still stay at home with mom and my younger brother (I'm 25 y/o female by the way). I say that because my mother is more concerned with my brother more than anything. I work at night, so a whole week could pass without me even communicating with my mother, unless she calls me to tell me to pick something up from the store. My brother only calls me when he wants money from me and tells me to leave it on his nightstand. My other family members live out of state, but I was never really close with them to begin with. When it comes to a social life, all my doors are closed, and I'm all alone. I've tried dating, but it never gets to second base, and if it does, its with the wrong man all around. Some people might read this and say well what about the people I work with. Well the problem with that is all the women I work with are all married and/or have children. I'm have neither a man or children, therefore we have nothing in common. I do look forward to work because that way I can have some form of human interaction. I look forward to the weekends just to get my laundry done and sleep. That's about it. I try talking to my mom about it and see if me and her could do some things on the weekends, but she never wants to. And when I told her that I don't have friends she says to me very dry tone of voice "go find some". I wish I could tell you how to cope with this but I can't. I don't even know what to do. Just know that you aren't alone. I totally feel what your going through.

[Girlblue77]

Well, well! Looks like I've found quite a few like me on this board. Good stuff. Totally agree about ending friendships before they blossom in fear of rejection, but for me -- I just feel as though no one else is like me. I'm a 32 year old professional that has had my fair share of life experiences and "friends.". I presume it is lack of patience for people, sprinkled with a little ego, and fear of rejection socially manifesting itself into loner-ism.
I love having people around, enjoy close friendships, but have very little tolerance for bs. It's easier to walk away than to work on. But that's just me. Thoughts?

[firea]

You have no friends because you want no friends... you are lonely but you do not care to exert the energy that it takes to maintain friendships.. you generally find others boring and tiresome.. you look at others who have friendships and wonder why they bother.. it seems so pointless and exhausting.. if you get close to someone they will only expect you to call them or write to them or spend time with them and if you spend time with them you might run out of things to say and that would be awkward... besides you'd rather be alone and can't wait to get away from them after you've been together... you feel guilty for caring so little about others.. but their problems just annoy and bother you... you enjoy your independence and solitude... but secretly know you are somehow not right or normal... you are probably a schizoid with a schizoid personality disorder... it is quite common.. I just wonder why people develop this personality disorder

[dontknownuthin]

Some people struggle with just being with another person without a shared purpose and too much focus on each other makes it uncomfortable. I'm guessing you're that kind of person, which is fine. Use what you have - you are a leader. That means you could start something - a neighborhood watch group or block club, an office volleyball league, a meetup group (look online under "meetup"). Or volunteer at your church or anywhere that interests you, and over time become the leader for your area of volunteer interest - it's a little different than the office because you are all equals as volunteers, so friendship is more natural.

Consider using your vacation to go on a service trip. There are trips where you can go, for example, to be of service in Appalacia for a week, where you work very closely with other people. You meet with a shared experience that's fairly profound to all of you, so your friendship has that as a foundation.

Also, when you find a friend, remind yourself to take them as they are, and accept what they can give you. One friend cannot be everything to you. One might be great as a travel companion but may not be very reliable to return something you've lent them. Another might be great to talk to but have no interest in meeting your other friends or coming to your party. Another might love to meet you for raquetball but might not have any clue as to how to support you emotionally in a time of need. So, you need to cultivate different friends for different needs.

One of the fastest ways to make friends is to just host a party or gathering of some kind for your neighbors - a cookie exchange at the holidays, a block party outside in the summer, or just a "come in from the cold" party on a Saturday morning in February where you offer donuts and coffee... because you would be the host, you'd have a lot to do like introducing people to each other, refilling the coffee, taking coats and so on, so you would be under less pressure conversationally.

[Kat1977]

Dear PTMKNH, I think what you are experiencing is felt by a number of us in management. I am an Executive Manager - HR and EVERYONE wants me at work or when they need to find a job or deal with their issues, so at work I am very popular and outoing. However due to my position, I can't really form any close friendships as I may be sacking them in the future - who knows - and being emotionally involved with the team can hinder my judgement. However out of work, no-one. Anyone I catch up with here and there are old work contacts because, as a manager, I work a lot. My husband is supportive of my career however extremely introverted so is not about to join with me in reaching out to others. Then my 8yo daughter takes up the rest of the time. I don't even have the time or inclination to go to play dates as most mums are simply not on my level. Although that might sound snobby I don't mean it that way. I can relate to the parents issue as well. To be honest, I am looking for an answer too - I can't recommend anything as I am starting to think that this is just life at the top. Let me know if you find an answer or just want to chat - you can email me at [email protected]