[cld1979]

Hey everyone,

I've just come across this forum while searching for any advice I could possibly find!!

So here is my situation...

My ex split up with me just over 3 weeks ago. We had only been together for 5.5 months, and everything seemed perfect. We worked through many probs together. She lways told me she was difficult as she tended to walk away from relationships when she got to close, through fear of getting hurt.

However, I was always there to support her, and she soon realised that.

We work together (thats how we met), and all our workmates classed us as the 'golden couple'. She was always talking about me and how happy she was, and vice versa.

However, her father sadly died almost 2 years ago. She never really explained how hurt she was, until the day we broke up. She thinks about him everyday, and says that she has never been single for more than a week since she lost him. She says she needs to get counselling and be on her own. I have to respect that. While splitting up, she said that I know I may be breaking your heart, but my heart was broken when my dad died - so I have no heart to break now.

She also said, she still loves me and cares for me. She is acting like she is 100% over me, except for the odd sign (i.e. still having photos of me in her work folder until the other day- she always said she would find it hard to take them out). As I said, we work together, so we see each other in work - although not constantly. She seems really uncomfortable around me, even though I have just acted normal. Simply a hello, how are you when I see her. Inside, I feel horrible - but I haven't shown her that.

She always said she has never felt this way before. She spent a year and a half with some guy that couldn't even turn her on, and other boyfriends she has literally seen once a week at the most. However, we spent all our time together.

The conversation had started to suffer (doing the same job and not doing anything outside of our relationship didn't help!). Plus she said she doesn't think I have any passion or drive and leave it to her to make all the effort. To a degree, I understand this, and accept responsibility for it. She is such a giving person - and I fell into the trap of taking it for granted. I don't mean that I never done anything for her - just not enough.

That is the basic outline of my situation. It's sensitive and tricky. I really want her back - but do not want to pressure her or push her away. However, I guess I was expecting a phonecall or text every now and again - but nothing! We have spoken via text, and in work. Nothing emotional though - just hey, how are you? It was only a month ago that she wanted to spend all her time with me, and hated it if I had to go away. She was even calling me the father of her babies!

I know she is young. She is only 19 and I'm 27. I'd never push her into anything - she was always the one talking marriage and babies!

Any advice on how to play this would be appreciated

[huno]

At 19, girls have no idea what relationships should mean or what love is. You've posted a lot of telling signs: not being single for more than a week yet wanting to be alone, calling you the father of her babies, marriage... combined with her father's passing, she is f**ked in the head.

Or, the way she was hurt by her father's death may even be an act--how could she be so hurt by this and yet not tell you until you broke up?

Just let this one go, move on, find yourself someone who is mentally stable.

[cld1979]

Easier said than done. I care for her a hell of a lot - and worry about her. I understand what your saying though

[Dennis777]

Hello.

Sorry to say this but she needs help badly and at this point your better off without her in your life unless she will seek help and stick with it.

Good Luck
Dennis777

[rankrank55]

I think this girl feels very hurt inside and is in need of a lot of attention! She sounds like she really liked you a lot but in the end she wasn't getting the amount of attention she needed. Huno, I disagree with you about her being too young to know what love is; I am 20 and I understand it and know what it requires... I think it just depends on the persons maturity level, not their age. Anyway, I think Huno is partially right. I don't think she quite understands what is wrong with herself because none of this makes sense as a whole. She needs to work on herself before she can truly love you(how can you love another if you do not fully love yourself). If I were you, I would find subtle ways to help her do this if you want to continue a relationship with her. Don't give up on this girl because that is probably what every other guy has done to her and possibly even her father(did he commit suicide?). Since you do not know her whole life story you are going to have to work with what she has given you and do your best to keep her in your sight. You work together, so that's a bonus! Keep showing her that you care about her, even if you THINK she doesn't want this. Trust me, I used to tell my hubby that "I don't really care for roses and such" but despite saying this, I would have really loved it if he did this for me... still do! Do what you feel, not what you think!

[cld1979]

You raise some good points here.

She has said previously that she has been disappointed with her exes when they haven't tried to 'win her back'. She found it odd that they didn't care enough to chase her.

I've considered writing a letter. I must stress, not a needy, begging letter, but a letter saying that I'm here if she needs me. Even if we never get back together, I never want her to feel alone or unloved. I genuinely care about her.

Her father did not commit suicide, but similar. He became an alcoholic and that's what killed him. She has said that her father broke her heart, so she has no heart to break now. I know she needs to sort stuff out. I really think she is in a bad place right now, and does not know how to get through it. Previously she has relied on being with someone, but think she has realised that that alone will not work, and that she needs professional help.

Once again, I'd like to make it clear that I'm not needy or pathetic. I do NOT need her in my life to be successful, but I have genuine love and huge respect for her and care for her a great deal.

[rankrank55]

Okay... this is all becoming a little more clear now! (BTW... I do not think you are being needy or pathetic; just genuinely concerned!) Sounds like she hasn't ever had a very great experience with men in the past(except you) and she is sort of testing you subconsciously... I think. If I were her, I would want you to try to get me back and be there for me(trying to put myself in her shoes as you can see). Don't be timid about it either, just take her aside and tell her that you know she still feels hurt by a lot of things and you want to be the one by her side while she gets help and sorts out her life because you do not want to lose her. I mean, do you think you could love this girl?

[cld1979]

I know for a fact that I love her. I guess I'm just scared that I'll push her away from me, or make her feel threatened if I try too hard. At the end of the day, I never want to push her away from me, as I want to be there for her in any capacity possible - even if it is only friendship.

I have seen her twice this week in work. The first time she avoided me, however, I walked past her and simply said hello, how are you. The second time, she seemed to be dressed to impress! She had her hair exactly how she knows I like it, and was wearing clothes that I told her she always loked stunning in. This time she spoke first, but it was only one word - all right?

I do love her, but have no idea if she feels the same.

[inthebox]

cld1979:


Sorry,
Sounds like your ex needs to get over her father issues before you two could have a healthy relationship.

Perhaps with other guys she did not become emotionally attached and vulnerable and that is why it was no big deal. With you she may have some attachment and does not want to get hurt by another loss if you two should break up in the future, so she did it ahead of time.

I'd take her lead, if she wants distance and casualualness then that is what she should get.
No need to be needy or begging. Be a friend, not a boyfriend, to support and encourage her if need be, but tell her honestly that you should both have the option to see other people.
No need to put your life on hold. Maybe during this time you can find something to be passionate about, and if it is meant to be, then you two will be back together in the future in a stronger relationship.


Good Luck



Grace and Peace

[rankrank55]

Honey, she wants you to notice her!! Trust me I know how this works! Remember though, she is not as fragile as you think she is, she's been through a lot and I think she can handle you trying to win her back. You are not going to push her away. She may act a little stand offish at first but this is only done in order to keep you coming back for more(although a lot of guys do not understand this). Give her all you got babe!

[cld1979]

Hi inthebox

Thanks for your contribution. She has said to a mutual friend that she is scared of being hurt, and worried that in 6 months time she'll get hurt - so as you say, she has ended it ahead of time!

You ended your message with her name - how weird! Ha ha!

[simian]

Okay there are several issues here:
1. Her age- yes, some 19 year olds can be mature and capable of real adult relationships, but most aren't. Sounds more like she has been looking for someone to fill that adult male role in her life, and a lot of her mixed messages and moods are probably part of her youthfulness- pretty normal for that age, really.
2. Grief- she has lost a parent at an irregular time in her life (most people don't experience the death of a parent until they are older), and an especially sensitive age that is usually a period of identity formation, and her grieving process is really going to be affected by this. It sounds like she is still grieving like a 17 year old would, rather than the way an adult would. And if she has not been single since her father died, she is definitely going to have trouble figuring out who she is as an adult.
3. If her father was an alcoholic, this brings up a whole other host of issues that will have to be dealt with

Bottom line: You obviously care about her, and it would be fine for you to support her and let her know that you are there for her, but a romantic relationship would probably not be a good idea. Remember, you can't fix her! And as her friend, I really recommend you encourage her to seek some counseling (particularly someone who specializes in grief). This is huge and she won't be able to do it on her own- there is no shame in needing help here.

[ncgirl_21]

You've been giving some great advice here I'm 21 and my fiancée is 27, and sometimes it does feel good to have your guy fight for you so 2 speak, but in your case I think u Should let her know that your there for her and you'll help her get threw this as friend then if things esclade after she seeks help and recevies it then mayb you can have a romatic relationship but till then I think it should be as friends and just let her know your there for her.

[aaron80]

No your being played here, Don't get to involved in the talk of her father. Of course she is still upset over that. But becoming her friend and saying you will stand by her. BIG NONO. Don't do this. If this father issue was as big as you think then she would have brought it up before. The answer here is she is starting to wonder if she really wants to be with you.

You need to tell her you didn't want the break or break up but its best if we move on if this is how its going to be cause you support her and would help her if she needs it but your not interested in waiting for a maybe your not that kind of person.

Let her no she can't treat you like this don't be scared of loseing her... Too many people will tell you she needs you at this time and you can work through this with her, this is the wrong thing, you need to show her your moving on you were there for her for a year and a half. Don't be there for her anymore if she wants you she will let you know. Take control of yourself show her you cannot be playd with like this.

I know this sounds harsh but if she really wants to be with you then she would be. Push her away and watch her come for you,

[mickey99]

I think that you should show her how you really feel about her breaking up with you. If she needs to get help, you need to be there for her. I needed help myself for a similar situation and I relied a lot on my family and friends to get me through it. I was admitted to a hospital, but now I am out. I have two handsome little boys and a wonderful husband. I wouldn't have any of that if I didn't get the help that I needed. If she needs help, you need to stand by her, if not as a boyfriend, as a friend.

[simian]

If this father issue was as big as you think then she would have brought it up before.

I don't think that is necessarily true. People grieve in a lot of different ways- some people talk about their loss very easily and openly and for others it takes a LONG time (even years) before they are really able to talk about it. Also, because she lost her father when she was 17, she may re-experience the grief process several times as she goes through different stages of her life. So she may have reached acceptance when she was 18, then a year later she started to have feelings about it again.

On the other hand, maybe she really is just playing games, but I think until the original poster knows otherwise, she deserves the benefit of the doubt. I am a mental health professional and have done grief work with adolesents and her behavior right now sounds pretty normal/typical to me, given what she has gone through.

[cld1979]

Thanks everyone. You've given me some things to think about!

[cld1979]

Ok, an update!

I still haven't spoken to her. I have not contacted her, and she has not contacted me. Yesterday I sent her a letter following the advice from a female friend. Before you all say - WHAT ARE U DOING? It was not a love letter, or a letter begging for her to come back, or saying I missed her, or was depressed or any other typical things that we try after a break up. I'm 27, and have learned that that does not work!

This letter was a letter of support. I did explain how I felt, but the main purpose of the letter was to say that I am here for her, to support her in anyway she wants me too. A friend advised a letter, as she said 1. it's non-threatening, and 2. more likely to be noticed. An email can be deleted, a text can be ignored, a phonecall can be unanswered. A letter can be read over and over. Of course, she could also throw it straight into the bin. But according to my friend, it's unlikely. It will probably be kept, and read a few times.

She has either received the letter this morning, or will get it tomorrow morning (UK Postal Service is hard to predict! ). If she received it this morning, then she has not responded - but then I didn't expect an immediate response anyway. We shall see!

Mutual friends are also concerned about her. She is acting really strange. Friends she would normally jump at the chance to meet up with, are finding it hard to talk to her. She is making no effort to remain friends if that makes sense. She has become very distant - if not a little rude. She is sometimes taking days to reply to a text. These are people that she would normally text all the time.

I'm just really worried about her. Nobody really knows how she is. She hasn't really got many friends, because she suffers from low self-confidence. She became more confident when she was with me. I'm quite a confident person, so guess it rubbed off on her. Plus, of course, I was always telling her how beautiful she was etc - which helps I guess. I'm scared she has taken a backwards step. She gets nervous about the smallest thing - like staying at a friends house.

Anyway, thought I'd keep you updated. I'm just worrying about her. This is not even about desperately missing her. Of course, I do. After all, I'm in love with her.

[cld1979]

Honey, she wants you to notice her!!!!!!!!! Trust me I know how this works! Remember though, she is not as fragile as you think she is, she's been through a lot and I think she can handle you trying to win her back. You are not going to push her away. She may act a little stand offish at first but this is only done in order to keep you coming back for more(although a lot of guys do not understand this). Give her all you got babe!

Facebook is evil!

I just checked her profile and her cousin has posted on her wall saying "How's the love life? Plan still working?"

Now, I'm hoping that rankrank55 is right - and this is all some kind of test. But what if it isn't. That would make her a liar in front of everybody. She has told everyone that she just needs to be alone to sort her head out. So, what is this plan?

I am so worried. It's not that I never want her to be with anyone else, it's just that it should not happen so soon.

I really would love to know what this is about - obviously I can't ask though!

rankrank55 - any thoughts? And others too of course!

[mckenzie134]

I told you a month ago she's playing you chap! Wake up are you a man or a wuss. Let her go don't take none of this crap or she will be cracking the whip forever and you know what when she's done with you she will find another guy. Your in a no win situatio here. Show her you're the one never talk to her again.. Get some control back cause at the moment you have none and you isn't gttin any...

Girls want ehat they canthave ALWAYS no matter whet. Don't let her fool you mate don't let her play you if she wants to play these games you have to learn how to play even better. My girlfriend waslike this I outplayed her stay strong take no crap ABSOLUTELY the onlt WAY!!