[Gilda1981]

My boyfriend of three years is a very avid porn watcher and collector. This has always bothered me and left me feeling inadequate. He has in secret downloaded tons of porn movies off internet web sites and has viewed them in secret. I have automatically always taken offense to this fact. Whenever I have confronted him concerning this matter he never has anything to say. I guess this question is to all the ladies out there. How would you feel if your boyfriend watched porn in secret? Would you yourself assume that he does not find you attractive and needs to find sexual release with images of other women. Yet, if this was the case I don't think our relationship would have lasted this long. This observation of him has made me constantly feel a need to fit his definition and concept of beauty. :mad:

[SexYPauL]

From a man: Do you still have a sexual relationship with him? If not, don't worry, maybe you're just that good at sex he doesn't have enough energy to do more, masturbation doesn't take as much effort, why don't you ask him if he prefers to do it with the porn, or with you?

P.S, he obviously loves you or else he wouldn't still be with you, would you?

[nauticalstar420]

I know this might sound dumb, but most men love porn like women love shopping. They can't understand why we like shopping, and we can't understand why they like porn. My husband is the same way. It offended me at first, but then I started to realize that there's no reason to get offended. Looking at images of naked women isn't cheating, so there's no reason to get jealous. I know most women can't help but to get a little jealous though :) What I did is I said if you can't beat them, join them. It is a turn on to guys when women watch porn with them, and it's a great way to spice up your sex life a little. It also gives you a chance to spend some time with him doing things he likes, even though you may not like it. My husband loves to play some of the dumbest video games, but I play them with him to show I am interested in things he is interested in, and maybe he'll show some interest in some of my hobbies. :)

[jillianleab]

I agree with Nautical. Perhaps your boyfriend would like for you to join in on watching the movies or looking at the images. It might be a little fetish he has that he is embarrassed about, and if you show interest he might loosen up and not keep it a secret. He might also get a thrill of keeping it a secret, because it is taboo. Personally, I've never been threatened or intimidated by porn because they are just images. If your sex life isn't being impacted, you probably have nothing to worry about. Men are very visual and well, they like boobies! :) It's a very common thing for men to look at porn, and as long as it doesn't impact his daily life or your relationship, it's probably harmless.

That being said, if the idea of porn makes you uncomfortable, then you need to confront him about it and force him to talk to you. You should not stay in a relationship you aren't comfortable with!

[Dennis777]

Hello.

My question to you is how is your relationship other then the porn. Does he show you he Loves You. Does he take away from your time together to watch his porn. Does he spend money you don't have on the porn.

Many people Male and Female enjoy porn, it's a fantasy world and if used right can make your relationship much more exciting. Im not saying you need to watch it with him all the time but you can play into his fantasy a little and see if it opens new and exciting doors for you both.

Good Luck
Dennis777

[abbi-melissa]

He's a guy, masturbation is natural, and some guys find it hard to masturbate from their memory or imagination. If he likes it, then he likes it. You shouldn't take offence to him looking at magazines and stuff, as long as he's not masturbating instead of spending intimate time with you then there shouldn't be a problem. If he didn't love you and find you attractive then why would he be with you? Have you ever looked at a guy in the street and thought 'hes attractive'? I'm sure everyone has, it doesn't mean you don't love him. Maybe he was worried to tell you because he was afraid that you might react like this. If his watching of porn really bothers you then you should talk to him about it, he may tone it down a bit in respect for you, but you shouldn't ask him to stop, some guys have needs and maybe if he didn't masturbate you would be very worn out all the time and you may have a different problem, how much he wants sex! You should respect his opinion of masturbating, its not because he doesn't find you attractive, its just that he's male!
abbi-melissa

[Kattalover]

How would you feel if your boyfriend watched porn in secret? Would you yourself assume that he does not find you attractive and needs to find sexual release with images of other women.

Better he finds release with images of other women than with other women! LOL.

I would never check my husband's computer for porn, but from occasional remarks of his I gathered that he has looked up free stuff on the Internet. Guess what? So have I! - Do I find it arousing? Absolutely! - Does it mean I'd rather have sex with those guys than my husband? No! - And I assume my husband thinks along the same lines because despite all our differences and difficulties, we're still married and not each of us out looking for greener grass.

[Midnight75]

I agree with Kattalover... but I also know how it makes a woman feel when their husband or boyfriend looks at porn, you feel like you aren't pretty enough, skinny enough, vocal enough and the list goes on. You feel like if you were enough that they wouldn't look elsewhere. I've come to learn that men are intense sexual beings and the statistics say they think about sex every 20 seconds. That has got to be horribly difficult for men. Cause I know as a woman, if I have sex on my mind I have to have it NOW, haha. Men restrain themselves fairly well if every 20 seconds they are thinking about it and not acting on it. As long as he still wants to have sex with you then don't worry. They are just super horny ALL THE TIME! It's a difficult and very sensitive subject. Do not wait until your so upset you confront him in anger, just get up the courage to talk to him and ask him why he watches it and tell him that it makes you feel insecure, usually the reassurance you receive makes you feel a whole lot better.

[kp2171]

You feel the way you feel and you don't need to apologize.

I'm a guy. I've seen nude pics, I've seen some porn. I've abstained at times. I've watched at times. Sometimes out of curiosity. Sometimes out of sexual urge.

The only reassuring thing I can say is guys are visual sexually. A guy can see a gorgous girl on the street and think immediately "i bet shed be fun in bed"... its like a reflex. Not right. Not wrong. Just how we are often wired.

Now... what about watching porn. Personally, when I've seen nudes or more graphic stuff it has never been "gee i wished my partner looked like her".

Its almost a voyeur instinct. I'm getting to see something and someone I'm not supposed to. It stirs the imagination.

Now I know you feel like this means you can't stir his imagination enough so there must be something lacking. Well... not so much. I can't explain it very well other than the voyeur side. It isn't that a man wished you looked like that. Its almost like we are wired to seek out many mates. And when we choose to be monogamous, sometimes there are other avenues that can be taken to keep the primal desire at bay while still being monogamous.

Now, that said... you can be in whatever relationship you choose to be in. just cause he's interested in porn doesn't mean you need to put up with it. If it bothers you that much, then its your call.

I think your reaction isn't all that abnormal. Scour the threads here and you'll see other women who have the same frustration.

So... what to do? I think talking is best and if you cannot come to an amicable middle ground, then you need to make a decision.

One partner I had stumbled upon some graphic stuff id run into one night and was upset. She asked do I like this stuff. I told her the truth. I hadn't sought it out, but I stumbled there while looking for other stuff on the same site. And then of couse I went though pages of the graphic stuff...

In the end we never found perfect ground. She was hurt. I felt frustrated. Similarly I've seen video of extreme violence. That doesn't mean I want to commit it. I've seen a link and was curious. Again, I don't think its necessarily wrong or right.

My point, lost in the rambling, is that despite your feeling inadequate, id bet a bunch of money that he never, ever sought out the porn for a lack of interest in you.

And if you think he's channeling energy into this too much... if you think that its taking away sexual energy
From your relationship or that its draining your mental energy or if you simply don't want a life with a person who is tied to porn, again... how you feel is how you feel and you don't need to make apologies.

Sorry to hear things are mixed up right now.

[self_lnflicted_hell]

From a man: Do you still have a sexual relationship with him? If not, don't worry...

But we do worry... Were not as good as the images on the screen or on the pages.
It makes us (well, some of us) feel unattractive and unwanted...

P.S, he obviously loves you or else he wouldn't still be with you, would you?

True... But if something bothers us that bad, shouldn't the man who promised, at one time, to never hurt us, consider our feelings and try to work with us??

I would NEVER do anything that my SO wouldn't like, that would be disrespectful or that I wouldn't want him doing to me. That's just the way it is and the way it should be... For the rest of your lives together! Things shouldn't change just because you've been together for a few years, or 5 or 10... so on and so forth.
Feelings should ALWAYS be taken into consideration.

And he shouldn't have done anything secretly behind your back.
He shouldn't have done anything that would be disrespectful or hurtful to you.

"If there's nothing to hide...Then hide nothing"

[self_lnflicted_hell]

I know this might sound dumb, but most men love porn like women love shopping. They can't understand why we like shopping, and we can't understand why they like porn. My husband is the same way. It offended me at first, but then I started to realize that there's no reason to get offended. Looking at images of naked women isn't cheating, so there's no reason to get jealous. I know most women can't help but to get a little jealous though :) What I did is I said if you can't beat them, join them. It is a turn on to guys when women watch porn with them, and it's a great way to spice up your sex life a little. It also gives you a chance to spend some time with him doing things he likes, even though you may not like it. My husband loves to play some of the dumbest video games, but I play them with him to show I am interested in things he is interested in, and maybe he'll show some interest in some of my hobbies. :)

Comments on this post
Phillysteakandcheese agrees: I see it the same as appreciating art. No reason to be jealous.

BUT, these are other NAKED women were talking about here! Sure, some women don't care at all, some women will only allow it if they're involved also and others don't like the fact AT ALL.

So, for the one's that don't like it, their men should respect that fact and maybe find a different hobby that doesn't involve fantasizing about sex with another woman other than the one they promised forever to.

[self_lnflicted_hell]

have you ever looked at a guy in the street and thought 'hes attractive'?
abbi-melissa

Well, yeah, sure... We all do it, maybe not early on in the relationship, but we do... BUT that doesn't mean we want to see them naked and see what they're working with! That's what porn is to some women... If they want to view other women then let them have them. I wouldn't waste my time, if I'm not good enough for my SO and I'm not into watching it with him, then he can have it. Hell with him! LOL
Just hopefully, if this time ever comes on my end, I'll know exactly what to do. It's a bit easier to talk about it because it's not happening to me.
But I do know, that right now in my 2 year relationship, if I found out that my SO was downloading porn or watching videos secretly on line, I would be infuriated! I would feel hurt and betrayed. But hey, that's just me :rolleyes:

[talaniman]

BUT, these are other NAKED women were talking about here! Sure, some women don't care at all, some women will only allow
It if they're involved also and others don't like the fact AT ALL.
These are your personal fears and insecurities, and it is very unfair to project those feelings on anyone, especially your mate.
So, for the one's that don't like it, their men should respect that fact and maybe find a different hobby that doesn't involve fantasizing about sex with another woman other than the one they promised forever to.
How would you feel if your man said if you loved me you would jump from the chandalier.....................................!!! ! Maybe you should respect his space and work on your own fears and insecurities.

[E3317]

No he should not have to change for her she knew that before she got involved so deeply

[kp2171]

Hmmm... see I disagree. To some degree.

Yes... it is true that if one feels insecure or has low self-esteem because the partner spends time on porn that comes down to issues with self. Somewhat. Not completely.

See that's also a nasty little way to turn the problem solely onto the person who feels hurt. When it is a relationship, needing compromise and trust... sometimes that trust means doing things you don't want. We all know that.

So the "we're men and thats that so deal with it" angle is bunk. OK. Then live alone and go jerk of in the corner. Otherwise, if you intend to be in a relationship, you need some middle ground.

I know. I know. I'm a guy who has tried to talk down the issue of porn in a previous post and now I'm taking up the other teams side. Its really not a flip flop.

Just cause I don't see as much harm in it doesn't mean it doesn't harm the relationship. There are a lot of addictions. You can gamble and still function. You can be a functioning alcoholic. You can spend hours and time on porn. You can cheat. You can lie. Blah blah blah.

What she's trying to do here is see if a relationship can be saved. Her fears and insecurities are a part of it and she doesn't need to just bottle them up or go talk to a girlfriend or counselor.

I think its completely within her right to feel this way. I think its completely within reason for her to question whether the relationship can last if he does something that hurts her. It hurts her. He is doing something that emotionally hurts her, and he knows it.

If I, for ex, took off every weekend to go out with buddies, it would hurt my wife. She's more than willing to give me guy time, but if I abandoned her at my whim and will, it would hurt her. Should she seek counseling for it? Just suck it up? no. she can demand to live in the kind of relationship she wants to. Doesn't mean shell get it, but it isn't her fault or her problem or her insecurities that causes the whole house to come down. Its both sides. An inability to find common ground.

I think its reasonable for a spouse to ask the other to do things or abstain from things now and then that causes the other partner to do some work and sometimes go without. Its one thing to be a control freak or to need to restrict every little thing your partner does. Its another to say "this action bothers me on a fundamental level. i need you to stop."

As much as I think what he's doing might not be so awful (in terms of viewing it), I also think she's not so out of bounds and I don't think its fair to say she should just own this as her own problem.

[nauticalstar420]

BUT, these are other NAKED women were talking about here!! Sure, some women don't care at all, some women will only allow it if they're involved also and others don't like the fact AT ALL.

So, for the one's that don't like it, their men should respect that fact and maybe find a different hobby that doesn't involve fantasizing about sex with another woman other than the one they promised forever to.

Take it from someone who knows. If you tell him he can't do it, he'll just do it behind your back, and lie about it. That's why its much easier to just come to terms with yourself that your husband likes porn. So what? Porn isn't cheating, finding some girl at a bar and taking her home is cheating.

And I read somewhere that most women like to watch porn as much, or even more than men. If a woman watches porn, the man doesn't get mad or jealous. Why should we get mad or jealous when they watch it?

[self_lnflicted_hell]

BUT, these are other NAKED women were talking about here!! Sure, some women don't care at all, some women will only allow
it if they're involved also and others don't like the fact AT ALL.
These are your personal fears and insecurities, and it is very unfair to project those feelings on anyone, especially your mate.
So, for the one's that don't like it, their men should respect that fact and maybe find a different hobby that doesn't involve fantasizing about sex with another woman other than the one they promised forever to.
How would you feel if your man said if you loved me you would jump from the chandalier.....................................!!! ! Maybe you should respect his space and work on your own fears and insecurities.

I'm going to put myself in my SO's shoes. If I was viewing porn and found out he didn't like it, with ALL respect to him, with the trust he has in me, I would not do it. Why would someone want to hurt the one person they're supposed to care about the most... And over what, frikkin sex and naked men/women?? That will not fly with me and I know I'm not the only one.

If my man told me that I would laugh in his face! That's just weird man.
No, wait! He has told me to smell his stinky feet, I said no and he said "If you loved me you'd do it" I said "I love you but I sure as hell ain't smelling your stinky *ss feet!!"

And how can you argue what I said... read it again - their men should respect that fact and maybe find a different hobby that doesn't involve fantasizing about sex with another woman other than the one they promised forever to.
What's wrong with that?? Just because you can accept more than others doesn't make it right. To some of us, it would kill us, tear our world apart, leave us feeling worthless.

I don't care if it's just what "guys do" I don't like it and if he wants to watch porn we can watch it together... I have no problem with that.

[talaniman]

I

don't care if it's just what "guys do" I don't like it and if he wants to watch porn we can watch it together... I have no problem with that.

A very good solution. No a great solution.

[self_lnflicted_hell]

Take it from someone who knows. If you tell him he can't do it, he'll just do it behind your back, and lie about it. Thats why its much easier to just come to terms with yourself that your husband likes porn. So what? Porn isnt cheating, finding some girl at a bar and taking her home is cheating.

And I read somewhere that most women like to watch porn as much, or even more than men. If a woman watches porn, the man doesnt get mad or jealous. Why should we get mad or jealous when they watch it?

I would never tell my SO that he couldn't, I'd ask that he didn't for the sake of my feelings, what's wrong with that?

And why is it OK for men to do things that bother us women when us women wouldn't do anything that we wouldn't want our men doing to us (well, most of us women anyway)

And I wouldn't mind if he watched it, but with me, together.

What about online dating sites? Would you consider that a form of cheating? Cheating can be described in many different aspects. To some it would involve intercourse and that's all. To others it would include kissing another. To some, looking up others on a dating site would be cheating. And talking sexually on IM. It's all in how the person takes it.

I think that if they did something (anything) or talked to another person in a way that they should with their SO, then it's cheating. But that's me, I believe in full monogamy on every level. I would never let another man talk to me in a way that my SO would.
I don't know, I guess that respect and trust are number one to me. Sorry :(

[nauticalstar420]

I would never tell my SO that he couldn't, I'd ask that he didn't for the sake of my feelings, what's wrong with that?

And why is it OK for men to do things that bother us women when us women wouldn't do anything that we wouldn't want our men doing to us (well, most of us women anyway)

And I wouldn't mind if he watched it, but with me, together.

What about online dating sites? Would you consider that a form of cheating? Cheating can be described in many different aspects. To some it would involve intercourse and that's all. To others it would include kissing another. To some, looking up others on a dating site would be cheating. And talking sexually on IM. It's all in how the person takes it.

I think that if they did something (anything) or talked to another person in a way that they should with their SO, then it's cheating. But that's me, I believe in full monogamy on every level. I would never let another man talk to me in a way that my SO would.
I don't know, I guess that respect and trust are number one to me. Sorry :(

There are lots of women that make the mistake of saying "You can't do such and such", and to me those are the women that have things go on behind their back by their SO. And there are plenty of women that do things their husband/boyfriend wouldn't want them to do.

Along with the porn, I don't think searching online dating sites is cheating. There are some guys that just want to see if they are still desirable after so many years of being in a relationship. Okay, no harm done there. Now where you are right is the talking sexually part. That DOES pi$$ me off and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Its not like he's actually doing what he is talking about, but it still just gets to me, but I still wouldn't call that cheating either.

To me, cheating is doing something physical with a person, not watching porn or chatting on the internet. I guess everyone has different views on what cheating is and what bothers them. :)