[andy2659]

I concur with Blastoff. Take a look at that site he recommended. There are lots of people going through what you have. Unfortunately, not many success stories but some people who have rekindled, reconnected and ended up together are incredibly happy with their situation. The question is whether you want to risk going on what many on that board call a rollercoaster ride. As for many of those on this board who have judged you, simply ignore them. Nobody else has the right or knowledge to judge you or tell you what you should do because they are not walking in your shoes. Gain as much information about this phenomenon (not uncommon) and make your own decisions and choices. Good luck.

[s_cianci]

I've never been in your shoes but married men are off limits. If he wants to be with you badly enough he'll divorce his wife soon enough. Just because his current marriage may not be a healthy one doesn't make it right for you to fool around with a married man. While waiting for him to divorce his wife you've got to come to terms with your current relationship of 6 years. It isn't fair for you to drag him along either. If you truly feel that you ultimately want to end up with this old boyfriend then have the decency to make a clean break with this other guy now.

[talaniman]

they are not walking in your shoes.

Why would I want to walk in the shoes of a cheater, homewrecker, or adulterer??
I made a vow not to.

[Gem07]

The #1 life principle is Do No Harm. Therefore, you must not do anything with this man that could potentially harm his wife, his children, him, and you. I've had an affair with a married man and got out with great difficulty. It is morally and ethically wrong. Tell him you cannot continue to see him or speak to him because he is married. Mend your broken heart. Believe that there is someone just like him (or better!) out there for you.

I also believe in karmic retribution which means that all your thoughts/words/actions will come back to you in some way. I think many people do not see adultery as wrong anymore because it is so prevalent. Marrieds cheat with singles or other marrieds. Singles cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends. If promises have been made through marriage vows or through talks of exclusivity, then you are honor-bound to respect that other person. Draw the line before you're emotionally tied even deeper than you are now.

Like Talaniman said, perhaps this was meant as a character test for you both. I think that's a very wise analysis. The man with whom I cheated reappeared again to rekindle the relationship. He's still married, I'm still single. But I did not give in. He began calling incessantly, he stopped by my apartment twice, left me notes on my car. I am determined not to allow myself to slip back into immoral behavior again, no matter what. No matter how great the temptation. He will never be in my home again. We will never discuss/do anything that wouldn't be discussed/done in front of his wife. He may not have risen above our past dishonor, but I have. It is my choice to stay on a new path. And it is yours, too. Do not give in.

[talaniman]

andy2659 disagrees: I just don't understand such incredibly myopic thinking as yours.

Of course you don't, You must put FAMILY first. I will take that kind of myopic thinking anytime.

[andy2659]

Of course you don't, You must put FAMILY first. I will take that kind of myopic thinking anytime.

You think your family is better off if you are in an unhappy marriage? Your children? Your wife?

Its so easy for somebody to pontificate about things that are none of their business or things which they don't understand.

[Tuscany]

You think your family is better off if you are in an unhappy marriage? Your children? Your wife?

Its so easy for somebody to pontificate about things that are none of their business or things which they don't understand.

No one deserves to be in an unhappy marriage. But, before moving on to another relationship one must resolve the issues in the unhappy marriage. If it is divorce than fine, if it is counseling than fine, but cheating on your wife or husband is not the answer.

What does that teach the children?

[bushg]

Ouote "His 1st marriage only lasted a few years, his current
marriage is going on over 15 years now. I have also heard from several people that his
current wife is very possessive of him and has alot of problems, including threatening suicide, having 2 afairs (that he knows about) etc..." Sand 32 Does this man have the staying power that it takes to see a marriage through. At 40+ years of age he is ready to leave his second marriage. Ok, lets talk about his wife who seems to have some serious mental issues. Were are his kids when he is meeting up with you? What kind of man leaves his kids with a deranged mentally unstable person to have a moment away with his lover. Is this the kind of man that you want? I do not think he is quite the catch you make him out to be. Even if he leaves his wife for you, which I doubt he will, 15 years is along time to stay with a crazy woman, that you don't love. What happens to you if you and he get together and you start to have problems, will he find someone else to hold and comfort and exchange emails with.

[talaniman]

andy2659, You think your family is better off if you are in an unhappy marriage? Your children? Your wife?
There is a right way to do things and a wrong way.............:D Just leave before you bring more misery and pain.
Its so easy for somebody to pontificate about things that are none of their business or things which they don't understand.
Whats so hard about to understand its wrong to put your family thru misery and pain, because of BS??????????????????:confused: Be aware that posting in public makes it anybody's business.:eek: You stuck your nose in, didn't you?:rolleyes:

[bushg]

I concur with Blastoff. Take a look at that site he recommended. There are lots of people going through what you have. Unfortunately, not many success stories but some people who have rekindled, reconnected and ended up together are incredibly happy with their situation. The question is whether you want to risk going on what many on that board call a rollercoaster ride. As for many of those on this board who have judged you, simply ignore them. Nobody else has the right or knowledge to judge you or tell you what you should do because they are not walking in your shoes. Gain as much information about this phenomenon (not uncommon) and make your own decisions and choices. Good luck.

So you are telling this woman to only think of what is good for her, The children caught up in this lying cheating deception, do not deserve to have parents that are foscused on them and what is best for them. I had a lying cheating father so I feel as though I have the right to judge her. I am 44 years old and I still remember the fights, the other women and being ignored because he was to caught up in something other than being a father. He is in his 60's now and gues what he is still up to the same old $hit so what does that tell you about men that are to immature to deal with their problems and just go from woman to woman. *Edit* Oh and by the way when he and my mom divorced I was 6 years old. So dear old dad has been a womaniser for what 38 years hmm...

[Blastoff]

I am not suggesting to sand32 that extramarital affairs are "good" or "justifiable" things. What I'm suggesting is that there is a particular reason why she's having this issue with this person, and many of the internal emotional dynamics involved are NOT the same as those that people find in your day-to-day run of the mill, extra-marital affairs.

The site I referenced would help explain why.

[andy2659]

So you are telling this woman to only think of what is good for her,. The children caught up in this lying cheating deception, do not deserve to have parents that are foscused on them and what is best for them. I had a lying cheating father so I feel as though I have the right to judge her. I am 44 years old and I still remember the fights, the other women and being ignored because he was to caught up in something other than being a father. He is in his 60's now and gues what he is still up to the same old $hit so what does that tell you about men that are to immature to deal with their problems and just go from woman to woman. *Edit* Oh and by the way when he and my mom divorced I was 6 years old. So dear old dad has been a womaniser for what 38 years hmm.....

You have missed the whole point. No body is advocating womanizing and affairs. We are talking about whether a person has the right to be with the love of there life or to at least explore that possibity. None of you have convinced me of anything other than you believe everybody should live by your own standards and moral judgments. Our country is great because it allows for not only freedom of expression but freedom of thought. You can have any opinion you choose on the matter. But don't think for a second that your position is absolutely correct or the other person's absolutely incorrect. And I still don't see how anybody can possibly tell somebody else what they should or should not do with their lives. You can only speak for yourselves.

[bushg]

andy2659, I put my children first since they were brought in this world by myself and my husband. Hell, it would have been so easy to have given up many, many times. But children need to have parents that are willing to do the work in order to make a family work. They Deserve to have both a mother and father in their day to day life, offering them security and guidance and attention. How can a parent focus their attention on their children when they are worried about problems with their spouse and a girlfriend at the same time, and work and on and on... After their kids are grown then they can make all of the crappy decisions that they want to. But until then they have a responsibility to raise their children with their parent. Personally, If a grown woman wants to date 10 married men then that's on her , it's the children in this mess that I concerns me. They deserve more.

[sand32]

My children who are all grown except for 1teenager at home are not affected by this. Again, we have not been intimate, I don't ignore my kids, grown or still at home, my kids have always been my #1 priority. As I said on another one of my comments, I haven't seen him for 2weeks. When I did it was not ever when I should have been with any of my kids. I do want opinions, good or bad, but I must say this is not a sneaking off to a sleazy hotel situation. I don't know if I mentioned also, but, my boyfriend does know that I ran into him and have been emailing him. Yes there is still a lot of wrong about this because of the feelings we are having towards each other. Which is why I am not meeting him for lunch or seeing him at all anymore. I am very glad I am getting all these opinions though, it certainly does help.

[andy2659]

Sand32, all I will say is what you are feeling is not unusual. Many other people have gone through it. Don't let those who don't understand or who think they speak from some morally superior advantage get to you. Believe me when I tell you they are absolutely clueless and their judgments of you are worthless. You can be a wonderful mother regardless of anything they say. One issue has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Good luck.

[startover22]

Sand32, all I will say is what you are feeling is not unusual. Many other people have gone through it. Don't let those who don't understand or who think they speak from some morally superior advantage get to you. Believe me when I tell you they are absolutely clueless and their judgments of you are worthless. You can be a wonderful mother regardless of anything they say. One issue has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Good luck.

All I can say to your post is: what a disappointment to hear you say this. What a disappointment.

[JoeCanada76]

Sand32, all I will say is what you are feeling is not unusual. Many other people have gone through it. Don't let those who don't understand or who think they speak from some morally superior advantage get to you. Believe me when I tell you they are absolutely clueless and their judgments of you are worthless. You can be a wonderful mother regardless of anything they say. One issue has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Good luck.

One issue has absolutely nothing to do with the other.

Your so wrong here. Of course, each issue does effect each other.

[startover22]

My children who are all grown except for 1teenager at home are not affected by this. again, we have not been intimate, I don't ignore my kids, grown or still at home, my kids have always been my #1 priority. As I said on another one of my comments, i havn't seen him for 2weeks. when i did it was not ever when i should have been with any of my kids. I do want opinions, good or bad, but I must say this is not a sneaking off to a sleazy hotel situation. I don't know if I mentioned also, but, my boyfriend does know that I ran into him and have been emailing him. Yes there is still alot of wrong about this because of the feelings we are having towards each other. which is why I am not meeting him for lunch or seeing him at all anymore. I am very glad I am getting all these opinions though, it certainly does help.

I know you know you are doing wrong. It is time to stop and make it a right. When you are single and he is too, that is when it would be right. Put yourself in your boyfriends shoes. You would be so hurt. Remember we treat others how we want to be treated. When we do right, right does us... Karma, God, how ever you want to put it. I really think it isn't to late to turn this thing right around. Thank you for listening! Start

[bushg]

My children who are all grown except for 1teenager at home are not affected by this. again, we have not been intimate, I don't ignore my kids, grown or still at home, my kids have always been my #1 priority. As I said on another one of my comments, i havn't seen him for 2weeks. when i did it was not ever when i should have been with any of my kids. I do want opinions, good or bad, but I must say this is not a sneaking off to a sleazy hotel situation. I don't know if I mentioned also, but, my boyfriend does know that I ran into him and have been emailing him. Yes there is still alot of wrong about this because of the feelings we are having towards each other. which is why I am not meeting him for lunch or seeing him at all anymore. I am very glad I am getting all these opinions though, it certainly does help.

Sand I am not saying you are right or wrong. As far as your b.f , How would you feel if it were you? The old sweet heart is what gets me the most in this, a 15 yr relationship, sneaking around on a insane woman with kids this is what really concerns me. Sand usually what we feel at 15 -17 is not the deep strong love that can withstand the test of time. I am afraid that you are caught in the youthful feelings of days gone by. You do not really know him as a man. You can not be with him out in the open around his family and friends to get a good judge on his true character. You have conflicting feelings about him and this relationship or you would not have posted here. All said at the end of the day you are the one that lays quitely at night with yourself and your thoughts and you know, in the pit of your stomach if you are proud of your actions. I do not think that you are with out morals or that you are a selfish woman. If had you been, you would have went head long into this relationship with out giving a damn about anyone else. All said, at the end of the day you are the one that has to be proud of you.

[sand32]

Thanks bushg-he doesn't have kids with the "insane woman" they are only hers, and they are grown and gone also--but I do see your point! You're right about the conflicting feelings-which is why I posted here-I've never gone into one of these before! I did stop seeing him 2wks ago now-when I was seeing him it was during lunch hour-we work in the same general area-this is how we bumped into each other in the 1st place.What you say makes a lot of sense--I have to say, anyone in here can turn the corner coming out of Starbucks and bump into an old love and get those feelings back again--It can happen when you lease expect it and take you by surprise because it's so overwhelming. But, it's not what happens to you it's what you do about it right? I'm glad I asked for opinions in here,though some were assuming it was more than it was and affecting kids etc.. But it was bad enough, staying in touch, meeting for lunch and after work (while I wouldn't have been with my kids anyway).. So, I have changed things and I don't intend on seeing him or being in touch with him anymore-that will only lead to 4 people getting hurt. So I have stopped it completely. Thanks for all the opinions, good or bad, mostly from the people who actually read this.