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Kick277Kate · Jun 17, 2007, 07:40 PM

I just finished my senior year of high school and have been best friends with this AMAZING guy since I was in elementary school. We developed strong feelings for each other and decided to take a risk(on our strong friendship) and see if dating could work. At first, it was going great until I started having some major family problems( My mom found out that my dad had been cheating on her -for two years- and then she committed suicide) As soon as this happened I became really depressed... I would cry ALL the time and would ignore everyone around me... including my new boyfriend (we're going to call him C ) C was extremely kind and understanding... I really couldn't of asked for anything better. However, after a while, he just couldn't do it anymore ( which I really cannot blame him!) I never wanted to talk, never wanted to hang out, and was not myself at ALL. We mutually broke up and remained friends. Its been a year since this all happened and C and I are closer then ever. I still have SO much feelings for him! I really want to know how he feels but I am scared that if he doesn't feel the same way it might ruin our friendship! All my friends are convinced he still likes me but I have mixed feelings. It seems like he does by the things he says to be but at the same time I feel like he is trying to move on. He told me he liked someone and asked my advice on it( which I really just want him to be happy so I told him to go for her) but he realized she wasn't the girl for him... So I really don't know what to do! Does he like me? Is he trying to move on? Should I tell him my feelings? Please just tell me what you think, I really need advice! ( I am really sorry for the long message!)

rockerchick_682 · Jun 17, 2007, 07:44 PM

Tell him how you feel, you seem happier now and able to keep him happy too. He seems like a great guy and I think he'll tell you the truth. So go for it, if he feels the same way then great, but if he doesn't you still have a great friendship, win win.

americangayboy · Jun 17, 2007, 07:47 PM

Does he know that you have any feelings for him? This is a very uncommon situation so I'd say all bets are off. This is one of the few times where I agree that unregulated honesty is the best policy. I doubt expressing your feelings will ruin the friendship if he helped you survive one of the worst imaginable experiences ever. Take a chance!

Kick277Kate · Jun 17, 2007, 08:01 PM

Thanks so much for the advice. Does it seem like he's trying to move on? Im just concerned because he is asking me for advice on another girl. I would think that if he still had feelings for me he would never talk to me about someone else. I don't know though... my one friend thinks he is just trying to see how I react to him talking about someone else. Could he just be afraid of ruining our friendship also... or am I just overthinking this and getting myself to think what I want to be true?

americangayboy · Jun 17, 2007, 08:06 PM

It is very possible that he was testing the water. Just talk to him. Don't analyze.

Kick277Kate · Jun 17, 2007, 08:11 PM

All right thank you so much

talaniman · Jun 18, 2007, 06:14 AM

RED FLAG- If he cannot support you in a time of need, I would have to question his true feelings. Maybe he has grown or changed, but love is so easy during good times. Its when all hell breaks loose that you find your real friends, and true loves.

Kick277Kate · Jun 18, 2007, 07:04 PM

Anyone else have any more advice? Im just really worried that if I tell him my feelings and he doesn't feel the same way--- sure we'll stay friends, but I don't think it will be nearly the same. I realize every great thing involves a risk but should I wait for him to come to me with his feelings? See, I NEVER have initiated a relationship... never have said my feelings first. I just have something really great with this guy and I guess I'm afraid that I will never meet anyone like this again.

americangayboy · Jun 19, 2007, 07:35 AM

DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO COME TO YOU!! If he has feelings for you, he's probably keeping his distance because he wanted to give you time to recover. Just do it!

Tuscany · Jun 19, 2007, 07:41 AM

You need to decide if this friendship is worth risking. If you tell him and his answer is that he just wants to be friends; can you do that? Will you be able to watch him date other people?

Dennis777 · Jun 19, 2007, 09:10 AM

Hello Kate

Sending you a great Big Hug, I know this is hard but you're a special Lady and will get through it.

I have a feeling he is hinting about the two of you when he is asking your opinion about other girls, You notice it didn't work out quickly and he was right back with you. That's a good sign.

I have always said if you need to tell a person how you feel your not really as in love as you think or the other person is ignoring your signals. If it his problem then a little hinting will open the doors and then time will show you the way. Start with letting him know your ready to be with a Man again. Let him know that he is so special and how sorry you are for pulling away from him in the past. He knows it wasn't you it was the problems you where having and as you said he tried to help but many times a person feels like they are in the way not helping. So let him know how special he was to you at that time.

I bet in a short time he will be wanting to open the doors to a much stronger relationship then before. Time will tell so don't rush it, plant the seed and let it grow.

Good luck
Dennis777

momincali · Jun 19, 2007, 09:29 AM

Kate, Talaniman brought up a good point which I feel you may have ignored. Things were great with your guy until it got rocky. Sure, he stuck around for a while but then became impatient and left. I believe that was a lack of maturity and compassion on his part and those are two character flaws that you don't want to deal with. Even if his only job was to be your best friend, an because of your pain, you rejected him repeatedly, than he should have still stayed by your side, maybe at a slight distance, but still very obviously by your side. That's what friends do. That's what people who care do. They don't take things personally. They understand that grief comes in many forms, including anger and resentment towards the innocent. They know that grief is many times unreasonable. And they wait. They wait it out cause they know that with persistence and patience, that person will come back. They know that eventually that person will need them and reach out. He didn't do that. One of the most important character traits you can look for in your significant other, even in a friend is loyalty and compassion.

Maybe he's cute, funny, nice body and that's all great... but it's not everything.

I think you may be looking for the guy you grew up with. The guy who was cool and nice and fun to hang around with and the guy he was when things were good, but you should be looking for the guy who hangs around for the good, the bad and the ugly.

Kick277Kate · Jun 19, 2007, 02:12 PM

Originally Posted by momincali

Kate, Talaniman brought up a good point which I feel you may have ignored. Things were great with your guy until it got rocky. Sure, he stuck around for a while but then became impatient and left. I believe that was a lack of maturity and compassion on his part and those are two character flaws that you don't want to deal with. Even if his only job was to be your best friend, an because of your pain, you rejected him repeatedly, than he should have still stayed by your side, maybe at a slight distance, but still very obviously by your side. That's what friends do. That's what people who care do. They don't take things personally. They understand that grief comes in many forms, including anger and resentment towards the innocent. They know that grief is many times unreasonable. And they wait. They wait it out cause they know that with persistance and patience, that person will come back. They know that eventually that person will need them and reach out. He didn't do that. One of the most important character traits you can look for in your significant other, even in a friend is loyalty and compassion.

Maybe he's cute, funny, nice body and that's all great...but it's not everything.

I think you may be looking for the guy you grew up with. The guy who was cool and nice and fun to hang around with and the guy he was when things were good, but you should be looking for the guy who hangs around for the good, the bad and the ugly.

When you said he should have stayed by me, he did... but just as friends. We were dating and I could tell he was stressed and having trouble because I was ignoring him and not being myself so I talked to him and we mutually agreed not to be "together." He still stuck by me as a friend. I definitely agree with what your saying though... im just afraid I keep giving him excuses?

americangayboy · Jun 19, 2007, 03:02 PM

These guys are presumeably still in their teens, cut them some slack.

He was still there for you during your time of need, he seems like a great guy, go for it!

s2tp · Jun 19, 2007, 03:48 PM

Kate,

I was in a very similar situation years ago when my brother died-I had been dating a guy that was my best friend and we spent 24/7 together. To this day he is the closest I have come to being in love with a guy. After my brothers death however I became depressed and withdrawn exactly as you described... and I even tried to break things off with him because I felt like I couldn't give him enough. He stood by my side and wouldn't let me push him away... that lasted 3 months until one weekend he decided to drop everything- he had just had enough. Unfortunately he didn't want to be friends or anything- he said he had to get me out of his system and move on... and move on he did to his ex girlfriend(got her pregnant and married her 2 months later).

What hurt the most is that he dropped me completely, I was OK with ending the relationship, but he had been my rock, my only friend and then he didn't want anything to do with me. The fact that your ex was still there as your friend tells me that as much as he cared about you and wanted to be there, he was being hurt and just needed to back off. I commend him for still being there as your friend- I wish my ex had been able to do the same.

As for your growing relationship- as someone else said you have to decide if its worth the risk. I would say go for it, and see what he says. You can try and drop it into a casual conversation... like, " what do you think would happen if we had stayed together" or " do you ever think about us being together"? And be prepared for any answer... let yourself know that no matter what he says he is still your friend and I don't think that after all you have been through together that he is going to stop being your friend if you ask about the relationship. I think it is very possible that he thinks about it too, and has even clued in on your feelings- of course most guys don't pick up on clues, but its possible... hehe.

So go for it, feel things out with him and see what he thinks. I hope it all comes out great!

rockerchick_682 · Jun 19, 2007, 05:00 PM

Originally Posted by s2tp

Kate,

I was in a very similar situation years ago when my brother died-I had been dating a guy that was my best friend and we spent 24/7 together. To this day he is the closest I have come to being in love with a guy. After my brothers death however I became depressed and withdrawn exactly as you described...and I even tried to break things off with him because I felt like I couldnt give him enough. He stood by my side and wouldnt let me push him away...that lasted 3 months until one weekend he decided to drop everything- he had just had enough. Unfortunately he didnt want to be friends or anything- he said he had to get me out of his system and move on...and move on he did to his ex girlfriend(got her pregnant and married her 2 months later).

What hurt the most is that he dropped me completely, I was ok with ending the relationship, but he had been my rock, my only friend and then he didnt want anything to do with me. The fact that your ex was still there as your friend tells me that as much as he cared about you and wanted to be there, he was being hurt and just needed to back off. I commend him for still being there as your friend- I wish my ex had been able to do the same.

As for your growing relationship- as someone else said you have to decide if its worth the risk. I would say go for it, and see what he says. you can try and drop it into a casual conversation...like, " what do you think would happen if we had stayed together" or " do you ever think about us being together"? and be prepared for any answer.... let yourself know that no matter what he says he is still your friend and I dont think that after all you have been through together that he is going to stop being your friend if you ask about the relationship. I think it is very possible that he thinks about it too, and has even clued in on your feelings- of course most guys dont pick up on clues, but its possible...hehe.

So go for it, feel things out with him and see what he thinks. I hope it all comes out great!

I'm so sorry, that's such a horrible thing to go through. My boyfriend broke up with me but he still continued to tell me he loved me the same for months, so I think I might know what you felt a bit. I guess that's how some guys are, it gets really tough so they chicken out and avoid.