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1badchoice · Jun 15, 2007, 10:10 PM

:confused: Hi. My name is Cathy and I have a real issue with some of my daughter's parenting choices. She is twenty years old with a 10 mo old little girl. Though the baby does not take a pacifier or have a blanky she does take a bottle. She isn't quite walking yet. The first thing is she put her in bed and let her cry to go to sleep. Okay... I understand. Then she lets her cry in the floor instead of comforting her or holding her. Now she tells me she wants to take her bottle from her. The main thing I worry about is that the baby isn't eating enough without the bottle. My daughter puts her in the highchair and gives her finger foods but doesn't take time to actually feed her... This bothers me greatly and we have had several conversations. She gives her a sippy cup however the baby doesn't like it or can't get enough out... not sure which. Either way... without her bottle about 4 times a day (that includes one for bed) she isn't getting enough fluids or nutrients. She seems to be hurrying her along. I realize that being a singe mom (well, she now lives with another guy... not the dad) is really hard but is pushing the baby right? I have 5 children... none were weaned by 1 and they all did just fine. Of course, I had no problem with slowing down enough to care for them. Am I just being overbearing? Or is this really one of the things I should give her my opinion on..? Thanks

J_9 · Jun 15, 2007, 10:26 PM

Cathy, I really see no problem with what your daughter is doing. She is teaching independence, albeit at a young age. All 4 of mine were weaned of the bottle before age 1. It is actually better for their teeth. Remember that the older a child is when you try to wean from the bottle the harder it is. So, if your grandbaby is still flouishing, tears when crying, normal wet diapers, then she is doing just fine.

Also, remember that our children did not come with a set of instructions, we had to learn on our own. Now it is her turn. She must learn from trial and tribulation the same way we did. I had a very overbearing mother-in-law after I had my first son. Our relationship was never the same.

I know it is hard to bite your tongue, but you must. You need to trust that you taught your daughter all you could, that she learned something from you. Unless the baby is obviously malnourished, mistreated or neglected, you must trust your daughter's instincts. She learned them from you after all.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 15, 2007, 10:30 PM

Well of course we are not there seeing how much the baby is eating, and how ofen the baby is left to cry.

But this sounds like just normal raising a baby to me.

grammadidi · Jun 15, 2007, 11:18 PM

It doesn't sound like your daughter is not looking after your grandchild properly, but of course I haven't seen the child. Is the baby happy and healthy? Do you feel that your daughter is neglecting or abusing her in any way?

If the baby appears happy and healthy and your daughter is not neglecting and abusing her there is not much you can do except bite your tongue unless you are asked for advice. You can make suggestions from time to time, but on the whole, it's better not to interfere.

If, on the other hand the baby is very low weight, unhappy and fussing a lot or has no interest in things then you must speak up. If she doesn't listen, report her.

One other thing. To me it sounds a bit like your daughter isn't giving your grand-daughter a lot of physical touch. This could be an issue later in life, so when you are around, ensure the child is held, hugged and touched. Then, you might want to look for some research and/or articles on the importance of touching in early childhood. You can discuss them with your daughter in a non-threatening way to educate her.

Good luck!

Love, Didi

1badchoice · Jun 16, 2007, 12:55 AM

While I appreciate the advice given... I guess I must say that I don't believe the baby to be abused or neglected. It's more a sadness that my daughter is choosing to deal with her daughter in a manner that I reserved for teenage children. She tends to expect a lot and have less patience. Mostly it's more like Gram... said... less physical touch than I believe a baby needs. Yes I taught my daughter but she doesn't remember when my children were babies... she just knows I expect them to mind/be respectful as older children. More about accepting that my way isn't going to be her way I guess.

grammadidi · Jun 16, 2007, 09:45 AM

I understand how you feel. Just model the ways you raised your children when your daughter and you are together, comment on the things you like to see ("I think it's so great how the baby responds to you when you hold her. You are building such an awesome bond with her." etc.) and bear in mind that everyone raises their children differently and have since the beginning of time and we all seem to grow up despite our parents skills (or lack of them). I think the key here is not to unintenionally come across as wanting your way or insinuating that she isn't a good mother. New moms are so sensitive this way... especially around their mothers.

I remember my mom not giving me any advice but just sitting back. One day I cried to her, "How come you never give me advice?". She said, "I will give you all the advice you want WHEN YOU ASK FOR IT." That created such a warm feeling inside me. I felt that she felt that I was being a good mom and it meant the world to me.

Best of luck, but I think it will all work out in time. It is so hard not to want your child to do things the way you did, but you raised her to be independent, did you not? :) She will do okay... have confidence.

Hugs, Didi

vlee · Jun 16, 2007, 01:51 PM

Times have changed and doctors are urging babies to be off the bottle completely by 12 months to protect the teeth. Both of my children were off by one year. One day the bottles were just gone, and only sippy cups were left. They are children, they don't like change, but they do adjust just fine. As far as leaving the child to fall asleep alone even if she is crying, I say good for her. She won't be on this site in three or four years asking how to get her preschooler to stop sleeping in her bed. Crying won't hurt the baby, and she is old enough to be put in bed alone. She doesn't need comforted, she needs to get into a regular bedtime routine and once it has been established she will be fine and the crying will only happen on rare occasions. I think your daughter is on the right track and you are being too hard on her. It's so easy to give advice as the grandma, but you have to let them make their own way and accept her parenting methods. As long as the baby's doctors feel she is healthy there is no reason to get involved.