[Depressed in MO]

If this is in the wrong category, feel free to move it.Hello everyone. I have been with Askmehelp desk for a couple of years now, but I usually just log on and read various questions from other users as there are a lot of repetitive questions and answers on here.

I have a tough situation on my hands and I am asking for anyone who might be able to give me some helpful links or even just some hope towards what is currently going on.
First of all, I am a single mother of three and I love my babies very much. I am very young, 26 to be exact, and am trying very hard to maintain their happiness. I have come to the conclusion that they aren't going to be happy until I can be happy with myself. I have a decent job, but again, with the cost of caring for three babies (daycare, food, clothing, etc.), I just don't make enough. My employer offers an excellent benefit package such as medical, dental, etc; however, I cannot afford to have costs of that taken out of my paycheck. The state won't help me as they say I make too much money. Ok, so go after child support right? Wrong.

I am with their father right now and he says he will not "rent" his kids if I leave him, and it will be such a shame that they won't have a father in their lives because I had to go after him for child support. I know-BS. He does not work, and constantly takes my money to pay bills (why aren't they being paid then?). There is so much more going on here, feel free to ask and I will answer honestly, I just don't want to send an ultra long post to where nobody wants to read it. I truly need some friends, shared stories, something. My question is, does anyone know where I could turn to in the state of Missouri for government assistance for housing, anything, even if it short term so that we can get away from this situation and make it on our own?

[LadyB]

1. Leave that man. He is a drain on your limited resources. File for child support. Who cares if he isn't in their lives since he sounds worthless and not a good role model. If you stay with him at least take over the bill paying. Do not give him any money at all nor put him in charge of household finances. You are making it, you manage it. If he asks for money tell him to get a job that you aren't supporting him any more.

2. Even if it hurts a bit sign up for your company's benefits.

3. Reach out to your family and friends. Surely someone else loves you and the kids enough to help?

4. Get a second job.

Unfortunately you have to be nearly distitutue to receive government help. My brother, a single dad, hit a similar wall in that "he makes too much" even though every penny and then some is used in his very frugal budget.

[Depressed in MO]

1. Leave that man. He is a drain on your limited resources. File for child support. Who cares if he isn't in their lives since he sounds worthless and not a good role model. If you stay with him at least take over the bill paying. Do not give him any money at all nor put him in charge of household finances. You are making it, you manage it. If he asks for money tell him to get a job that you aren't supporting him any more.

2. Even if it hurts a bit sign up for your company's benefits.

3. Reach out to your family and friends. Surely someone else loves you and the kids enough to help?

4. Get a second job.

Unfortunately you have to be nearly distitutue to receive government help. My brother, a single dad, hit a similar wall in that "he makes too much" even though every penny and then some is used in his very frugal budget.

If I file for Child Support, and he doesn't pay, which he won't, is it possible for the state to still help me, and then they get him for what they give me? I know he will go to jail, but that still won't help in supporting his family. I'm afraid to talk to these people, I don't want to lose my babies, but am afraid of ending up on the street. I do have family that love us, but can't provide the means for us to live as they can barely make it on their own (according to them).

[LadyB]

If I file for Child Support, and he doesn't pay, which he won't, is it possible for the state to still help me, and then they get him for what they give me? I know he will go to jail, but that still won't help in supporting his family.

Yes, if the state offers you financial aid they will go after him for unpaid support to get back what they spent. Every state has a child support enforcement division.

It doesn't sound like he is helping you support your family now, so he is just an extra mouth to feed.

I'm afraid to talk to these people, I don't want to lose my babies, but am afraid of ending up on the street. I do have family that love us, but can't provide the means for us to live as they can barely make it on their own (according to them).

Why would you lose your babies? Is there more going on than you have stated? Neglect, abuse, drug use, prostitution?

Can you and a family member or friend pool resources and move in together in order to share living costs? Wouldn't that help everyone?

Are you logging into the internet from the library or work? If from home, I suggest you trim unnecessary expenses like Internet Service, cable/satellite TV, if you have a cell phone I would even get rid of home phone service as it's unnecessary.

I'm just throwing ideas out there as you seem to have lost any creative problem solving inclinations you may have once had... probably due to depression. Don't be defeatist though, you have lots more things you can try.

[Depressed in MO]

Yes, if the state offers you financial aid they will go after him for unpaid support to get back what they spent. Every state has a child support enforcement division.

It doesn't sound like he is helping you support your family now, so he is just an extra mouth to feed.


Why would you lose your babies? Is there more going on than you have stated? Neglect, abuse, drug use, prostitution?

Can you and a family member or friend pool resources and move in together in order to share living costs? Wouldn't that help everyone?

Are you logging into the internet from the library or work? If from home, I suggest you trim unnecessary expenses like Internet Service, cable/satellite TV, if you have a cell phone I would even get rid of home phone service as it's unnecessary.

I'm just throwing ideas out there as you seem to have lost any creative problem solving inclinations you may have once had...probably due to depression. Don't be defeatist though, you have lots more things you can try.

I have no access to a computer at home. No home phone either.Yes there is neglect. He makes money, he just barely contributes any. He says he works for one of his friends that own their own remodeling business, however, it always seems to be at night, and some nights, he doesn't even come home, not a phone call, nothing. OK Fine, whatever. I have other ideas of how he makes his money and what he does with it. He took over $900.00 of my last paycheck to pay our rent. Basically, he wiped me out and promised to provide for us (gas money to get to school and work, food) until I get paid again (which is in a week). Well, he didn't come home last night, no call, etc... I had to put money on my debit card, which is already negative from him in the first place so I could make it to work today.

Look, I've left him before, and am ashamed of myself for giving him a second chance as I should have known better. Now I'm looking for a second chance to get away from him. It normally wouldn't be hard to find someone to share living arrangements with; however, I do have three small children and to other people, unfortunately, it is a big burden.

Thank you for all your replies and suggestions though, it is much appreciated.

[ScottGem]

You need to kick the bum out. You need to not give him a penny. If you have any joint accounts with this loser close them and put all your accounts in only your name.

Does he contribute anything to the household? Doesn't sound like it. So even if he doesn't pay support, what have you lost?

[Depressed in MO]

You need to kick the bum out. You need to not give him a penny. If you have any joint accounts with this loser close them and put all your accounts in only your name.

Does he contribute anything to the household? Doesn't sound like it. So even if he doesn't pay support, what have you lost?

I don't want to kick him out, I want to leave, I can't afford the rent all on my own.. Up until about a month ago, he has paid his share of rent, groceries, etc... never consistently though, always on and off.
But as I said before, there were times where he has completely abandoned us by not coming home, and it always seems to be after he has taken all of the money. At one point, I didn't even have a car, so I depended on him to drive me to work and the kids to school... didn't come home. He's cheated, he's lied, I just can't take it anymore, he's unreliable and the kids are so unhappy. I would give anything to make it on my own, which if I could have done that in the first place, I would have never taken him back.
I'm sorry, I know I sound like a big fat pitty party here, but honestly, there just has to be some way to recover from this. I am so sad I feel like I have completely ruined my very small children's lives by trying to trust this jerk. There's holes in the walls now, he has torn up our stuff, broken things that were given to us or that hard earned money paid for... I am angry with myself and would like to get counseling and all the works for us (the kids and I) but am afraid if I tell someone in the government all that is going on, that I might lose my children. Then, I will die.

[ScottGem]

There is probably an agency or support group for abused wives in your area. You should seek out that organization and go to them immediately for help. They can help you with yourself esteem issues, housing issues and support issues.

[LadyB]

Take Scott's advice and contact an organization for abused women as they have access to many, many resources to help you. He breaks stuff, and punches walls, just a matter of time before he hits you or the kids... or has he already? Tell them his violent outbursts frighten you.

Here is a list of resources for your state Missouri Domestic Violence and Legal Resources
Call someone, now they will not take your children away unless you are the one abusing or neglecting them. Fear of that makes you look complicit, your fear should be for your children's safety and well being.

[kanicky73]

I think everyone here has given you some really good advice, but the most important advice is GET RID OF HIM!! Make an appointment with your local Social Services office to go in and find out what if anything you are eligible for. You may not be eligible for some of the stuff but you may be able to get at least insurance for the kids. I know that here in the state of WI they offer Badgercare and take into consideration when the dad isn't paying suppor. You also may be eligible for renters assistance which will allow you to go find another place to live. Either way, just get him out of your life. People like him are on a downward spiral to nowwhere and he will take you down with him!

[Depressed in MO]

Take Scott's advice and contact an organization for abused women as they have access to many, many resources to help you. He breaks stuff, and punches walls, just a matter of time before he hits you or the kids...or has he already? Tell them his violent outbursts frighten you.

Here is a list of resources for your state Missouri Domestic Violence and Legal Resources
Call someone, now they will not take your children away unless you are the one abusing or neglecting them. Fear of that makes you look complicit, your fear should be for your children's safety and well being.

Ok thanks, I'll take his advise. I'd like to clear one thing up. I don't see how the fear of them being taken away of from me makes me look complicit, it's the fear of them taking them away from me because I don't have the means to provide for them on my own, which is why I have posted on here in the first place.

Thanks for the resources.

[LadyB]

Ok thanks, I'll take his advise. I'd like to clear one thing up. I don't see how the fear of them being taken away of from me makes me look complicit, it's the fear of them taking them away from me because I don't have the means to provide for them on my own, which is why I have posted on here in the first place.

Thanks for the resources.

Most women receiving government support can't provide for their children on their own... that's why they receive support. You have already been told you make too much to even get that aid so you are far, far from having your kids taken on those grounds.

Sorry, didn't mean to sound judgmental and I apologize for my word choice.

They really don't want to take your kids, because then they have to pay for their support on limited resources with few foster families. The state is much more interested in keeping you all together and collecting from their father... really.

[Depressed in MO]

Most women receiving government support can't provide for their children on their own...that's why they receive support. You have already been told you make too much to even get that aid so you are far, far from having your kids taken on those grounds.

Sorry, didn't mean to sound judgmental and I apologize for my word choice.

They really don't want to take your kids, because then they have to pay for their support on limited resources with few foster families. The state is much more interested in keeping you all together and collecting from their father....really.

Thank you. No offense taken by your choice of words, just wanted to clear things up a bit on that.

[J_9]

Mo, I didn't know you got back with him. If it is the same guy, you have more worries about your kids being taken with him in the house than with him out.

Now, how about searching for an apartment that is less expensive than the one you are in now? Have you researched Habitat for Humanity so that you can eventually own your own home at more than half the payments you are making now. It usually takes a couple of years from the date of application to the move in date, but it is well worth it.

There are many services out there for single mothers, including daycare expenses. Check to see if you have Delta Human Resources in your area of MO. They help with child care and can refer you to other agencies that help. Another one you may want to check into is 211. Many areas have a new phone assistance called 211, I believe you can just dial 211, and they assist in finding agencies that can help.

You must get your children away from this man, if it is the same one. What he did before he will do again. Is this the kind of role model you want to raise your children with?

Hmmmmmm, remember why you left him the last time.

[Depressed in MO]

Mo, I didn't know you got back with him. If it is the same guy, you have more worries about your kids being taken with him in the house than with him out.

Now, how about searching for an apartment that is less expensive than the one you are in now? Have you researched Habitat for Humanity so that you can eventually own your own home at more than half the payments you are making now. It usually takes a couple of years from the date of application to the move in date, but it is well worth it.

There are many services out there for single mothers, including daycare expenses. Check to see if you have Delta Human Resources in your area of MO. They help with child care and can refer you to other agencies that help. Another one you may want to check into is 211. Many areas have a new phone assistance called 211, I believe you can just dial 211, and they assist in finding agencies that can help.

You must get your children away from this man, if it is the same one. What he did before he will do again. Is this the kind of role model you want to raise your children with?

Hmmmmmm, remember why you left him the last time.

Yes, it is, and I am so ashamed of myself for ever believing that he really cared about us. Since you know about that already, I'll add that it is difficult to go to family because they are upset with me that I allowed him back into our lives again in the first place. Although I know they still love me, they don't trust me when it comes to him. I am so upset. I really am a smart woman, how could I be so blind? Now I have nobody to turn to and I need to find the resources to help myself since I pretty much burned all my bridges by choosing him over people that really love us.

Thank you for your reply.

[J_9]

Oh, hun, I know how hard it can be. I am also sorry that it is the same man.

Hun, yes they are upset with you, but this won't last forever. I too am not so sure why you went back with him, but I am an outsider. I do, however, understand the circle of abuse, and you were certainly spinning in that circle.

Remember how liberated you felt when you were not with him, how proud you were of yourself? Well, you can, you have to, do that again. If not for you, for your children. Remember that what they see now will be normal to them and when they grow up they will be in the same sort of relationships. I know you don't want this for your girls.

Get out your Yellow Pages, look up Social & Human Services Organizations. In your area of the state you should have plenty!!

[Rasluk]

Ouick Answer to part of problem MC+ for Kids - Frequently Asked Questions kids qualify for state funded health insurance coverage unless you make more than $6033.00 per month for family of 5 $5163 per month for family of 4

PS he's got to go

[Depressed in MO]

Okay, I have to admit that I just now joined this site specifically to respond to your question. I had in the past only read what was posted, but I can't hold it in anymore. You have posted on this exact subject/problem before... what, you didn't like the advice everyone gave you then? From your posts, you have know for a looooooooooong time what a loser this guy is. He's been to federal prison, done drugs, SOLD drugs, and physically abused you? Why were you on here just two months ago looking for advice on how to get this "good male friend" out of appearing in court? According to the history of him, which you have posted, I can say that breaking out windows is no where beneath him. Who in their right mind would burn bridges with people who really love them and go back to such a low life? Maybe you were right when you said that you need counseling. Take the one person's advice, and cut out all of your unnecessary expenses... Do you drink?? Quit !!! Do you smoke?? Quit !!! You shouldn't be asking or expecting anyone to help you if there are expenses that you could cut out yourself. And, why would anyone want to help you when you so willingly hand over all of your hard-earned money to a loser! You don't see a problem with putting your children right back into the same bad situation? Couldn't one possibly call this neglect? I am totally not trying to sound all hateful, I would love for you to get rid of him and get a life of your own, but you really need to start helping yourself and putting those babies that you love so much first. Either stand on your own two feet and take a stand against this loser and be a mother your children can respect and be proud of, or stop wasting everyone's time. It doesn't look like you took anyone else's advice before, will you this time?? Or is this a waste of time for all again?? Once again, not trying to be hateful. But if you don't like my answer, PROVE ME WRONG.

Yes you are trying to be hateful; however, I will answer your comments/questions. NO, this was not the person I was asking about appearing in court, I can understand your assumptions; however, don't you dare accuse me of neglecting my kids as you have no background or history from any of my previous posts as to how I love and provide for them. I came here to find resources to get on my own two feet and I believe I have already admitted what a stupid fool I was for taking this fool back. Yes, these are things that should have been asked the last time, but they were not. However, I am asking now.

Furthermore, I understand the whole concept of freedom of speech, but your post was a little harsh to say the least as I have already pretty much covered the same damn thing you said about myself when I put my situation on here.

[J_9]

Hun, you had a slip in judgment, we all do at times in our lives. Please don't let this person get your dander up. The username has been banned due to it's inappropriateness (is that a word?).

I know your situation, Wildcat knows your situation (hopefully he will pop in and help out), so just don't let people like this get you frustrated. It's the last thing you need right now.

[Depressed in MO]

Hun, you had a slip in judgment, we all do at times in our lives. Please don't let this person get your dander up. The username has been banned due to it's inappropriateness (is that a word?).

I know your situation, Wildcat knows your situation (hopefully he will pop in and help out), so just don't let people like this get you frustrated. It's the last thing you need right now.

Thank you for your kind words. I expected a little harshness, but what that person said- that was crazy.
I know if Wildcat comes on, he probably would not be happy either.
Either which way, I apologize to everybody who I didn't listen to (well did, but then didn't) before and I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts, whether I like how it is said or not.