[Kattalover]

I got married in 2000, when I was 38. My husband's three years younger than I am and has been married twice before, but this is my first marriage.

Unfortunately, my husband has no sense of financial self-preservation, which led him to max out a credit card last year. He never showed me the bill, just had his dad refinance it, and now I have to give my father-in-law a check for $130 every month to make minimum payments (!) on the card.

Then he bought a used van for his 22-year old son without talking to me about it (because he knew I would object because of our high debt load). The boy was supposed to give us a check every month to make the payments on the vehicle. Unfortunately, he skipped town and stuck us with the van and the payments. Husband decided he didn't like the van and traded it in to buy a new Kia, weighing us down with a $22,000 car loan. He subsequently had an accident with the car (property damage only), that's how I found out that he put a $1,000 deductible on the insurance to save five or six bucks in premiums each month. Needless to say, the car hasn't been fixed yet because we don't have $1,000.

I guess I should have threatened consequences after the credit card issue, but I didn't think he would do something like that again. I mean, how can a man of 42 be so stupid? His favorite saying is, "Oh, it's just money". But then again, he keeps telling me that an asteroid is going to hit earth sometime in 2030, so I guess that explains why he doesn't hesitate to draw on his profit sharing or 401k when we need money really bad.

I feel so trapped. It seems like every time things look up financially, something happens that drags us back down (like having to replace the roof twice after hurricanes) or he does something stupid, such as buying his son a van. I feel I have no choice but to make all those payments because the bank account is in both our names. And what can I do after he's done made all the decisions anyway? The car dealer is not going to undo the deal because my husband failed to get my approval, even though it's my money he's throwing away.

This and other things have made me lose all respect for my husband. We haven't slept in the same bed or had sex in over two years.

Most of the time I'm holding up okay. I mean, he's not a bad person. He works very hard; he doesn't drink or take drugs; as far as I know, he's not cheating (although at this point I wouldn't mind if he did because then I'd have a good enough reason to end this marriage). But we don't have anything in common. There is nothing to talk about except, "How was your day?" And both our days are always the same. We go to work, come home, get on the computer, and go to bed.

I don't know what to do. I promised in a church before God that I would stay with him through good and bad, and things don't seem bad enough to justify divorce. I've never seriously considered counselling because I don't have money for a therapist, but also because that would mean I have to tell him how I feel about him and our marriage, and I don't know how to do that without breaking up with him.

Right now, all I want is a way out of this mess without feeling like I'm a horrible person who is going to burn in hell because I want a man in my life, not an overgrown teenager.

[Marily]

You should let him take responsibility for his actions, can't some of the payments be deducted from his salary, and when it is possible, close your credit card account. Maybe advice from a lawyer would also be helpful.

[JoeCanada76]

Whenever there is a communication breakdown in a relationship there will be problems. Your not communicating to him, he is not communicating to you. What else do you expect. There are always community counseling that is free. You need to seek all these opportunities out in order to work on your marriage.

You need to be able to communicate with him. He needs to be able to communicate with you.

As far as getting things for his son, that is really none of your business. If it is from his own money. As far you paying his sons bills or his bills. Why are you doing that? It is only his name on these cards, right? Then he is the only one responsible for the debt, not you.

Now it would be different if you have joint debt, with both names on it. Then I would be concerned about it.

I also think, which this is needed at times that your husband should go to financial counseling. It should not be anything to be embarrassed about but a man usually never likes asking for help no matter what, I think it is time for him to go to financial counseling and possibly looking at all possibilites to be debt free.

Yes, remember through good times and bad times. RICH AND POOR.

Best wishes to you.

Joe

[Fr_Chuck]

Yep, keep a separate bank account without his name, put your money you earn there, don't pay sons bills, husbands stupid bills, let him go broke on his own, when he starts losing things, can't pay things, then he can't/

Talk to him, see if you can get him into a money management class
( budget). Explain to his dad, that he did that, and he can pay for it for all you care. ( and he can, if he was silly enough to borrow money for his son, let the son pay it)

[Kattalover]

As far as getting things for his son, that is really none of your business. If it is from his own money. As far you paying his sons bills or his bills. Why are you doing that? It is only his name on these cards, right? Then he is the only one responsible for the debt, not you.

Now it would be different if you have joint debt, with both names on it. Then I would be concerned about it.

Joe,

I'm sorry, I probably didn't explain things very well. We are not paying his son's bills. My husband was the one who applied for a credit card, had it sent to his own dad's address, and maxed it out. His dad (my father-in-law) refinanced the debt, so now we have to give him $130 a month to make payments on my husband's credit card.

As far as buying a car for his son, I beg to differ. I think he had no right to make such a major financial decision without my knowledge, especially since he has absolutely no clue whatsoever what our financial situation is because I handle all the financial stuff. The car loan is through our bank, and the bank account is in both our names. I have no choice but to make the payments because he needs a car to go to work.

You're right about the lack of communication, but what is there to communicate after the deed is done? It is impossible for me to discuss financial issues with my husband, especially when I'm trying to tell him that I can't give his dad any money because the account is overdrawn. He gets extremely angry and starts yelling, and I can't think and speak English when being yelled at (I'm from Germany, so English is my 2nd language).

[Tootruetooblue]

In a lot of states a married person cannot enter into a loan agreement without the consent of the spouse. He should probably not have been able to take out a car loan without your signature.

I think you definitely need your own bank account and he needs to pay these debts for the car and to his father out of his own income.

I also think you need to insist he get credit counseling and change his behaviors as a condition of the marriage. He is wrong to make these decisions behind your back and then expect that the payments are made by you or from funds you have agreed to pay toward other things your family needs.

I would suggest that you separate until he has a financial plan and has changed his ways. If that time doesn't come, get a divorce.

[Kattalover]

Yep, keep a seperate bank account without his name, put your money you earn there, don't pay sons bills, husbands stupid bills, let him go broke on his own, when he starts losing things, can't pay things, then he can't/

Talk to him, see if you can get him into a money management class
( budget). Explain to his dad, that he did that, and he can pay for it for all you care. ( and he can, if he was silly enough to borrow money for his son, let the son pay it)

Thanks, Fr_Chuck!

I don't know how to let him "go broke on his own". He doesn't make enough money to pay all the bills. If I want to keep this roof over my head, I have to put everything I earn into our account.

I was stupid enough to let him refinance all our credit card debts (including $10k he owed his father for debts from his 2nd marriage) through a 2nd mortgage, which is in my name also, but I told him, though, that if we ever got divorced, that new credit card I knew nothing about was his alone to pay off.

As far as money management classes go: he doesn't even go to those classes that are supposedly mandatory for guardians. He is guardian of some money his 13 year old daughter inherited a couple of years ago; there is an account set up to pay legal fees and such. I can't tell you how often he dipped into that account and then told me I had to write him a check for amount X because otherwise he'd get in trouble with the law (because he's not supposed to use that money for anything else).

I just don't know how to make him see the error of his financial ways without damaging myself in the process. You can't force somebody to grow up and be a responsible adult. When the going gets rough, he goes to his dad. Dad helps out with money. (And yes, I have talked to dad and asked him not to do that anymore because it doesn't help his son.) Next thing I know, husband comes to me and tells me I have to give dad money, and if I remind him that we have no money, he gets angry, and if still I don't budge, he goes and draws upon his 401k or profitsharing.

[Kattalover]

I would suggest that you separate until he has a financial plan and has changed his ways.

Thanks for your input, Tootruetooblue!

In order to separate, we'd have to sell the house because his income alone is not enough to pay all the bills. If we sold the house, we would make enough money to pay off both mortgages and the car loan. He told me often enough he would rather live in an apartment, but I can't imagine being squeezed into a 2-bedroom apartment with the man (and our five cats).

At the moment, the easiest solution seems to be my insane plan to get my CDL next year and become a professional driver. That way, I would be away from home most of the month, get to see the country a bit, make much more money than I'm making now, and maybe I'd appreciate my husband again if I didn't feel so chained to him any longer.

[Budhabelly]

Gettting out is a good plan, making more money to pay for your husbands mistakes I don't think is a good plan. You can't make this marriage happy by just getting a better salary. The more you earn, the more he will spend.

He needs to learn the lesson.