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Norah1 · Sep 15, 2009, 05:05 PM

I tried to find a similar situation in the previous topics but I couldn't so, here's the story...

I was married to a man for a few years when I met someone online. I didn't fall for him in the first place as I was married (even though things weren't great) and he was younger than me. I ended up having feelings for him and we met, everything was perfect. Then we talked about future and decided that I should divorce, quit my job to move in with him overseas - which I did.

I threw away my furniture and moved temporarily to my parents' house while I waited for the visa, and problems started there. I needed more attention, he was busy talking to other girls on the internet and ended up asking for a "break" but we kept talking. He kept talking to them which led us to more fighting. He kept saying that the only reason was because I wasn't there with him...

To make it short, I was stuck here at my parents' house with no job and was literally buying my plane ticket to go on a holiday to see him for 2 weeks, when he said I should "give up and move on." Which I started to do, finding a new job, getting a new car and of course, with NC right away. He sent me a mail today saying he misses me and he's looking for a place to buy so if I go there we can stay together (yes, the same guy who told me not to come... )

1 - Should I wait or break NC? I think he will be the same if I fall into his arms like after every "break" and nothing will change.

2 - I still love him but I don't want this. I want to trust him. Should I just ignore his mail until the end of NC? (I have about 2-3 weeks left) or notify him I will talk to him later?

3 - What should I say if I ever talk to him? I don't want to bring up old issues but how can I know if he has changed?

It's a difficult situation as we live on different continents and I have no way to invite him for a drink or something... Thanks for reading and helping me.

none12345 · Sep 15, 2009, 05:39 PM

1. Never break NC. You weren't good enough for him before.

2. Nc does not have a time span. Actually it does, NC time span is forever and it shall never be broken.

3. You should not talk to him. Find someone more deserving.

Never sacrifice too much for a long distance relationship. It never ends up the way you want it to, trust me I been in your position. Don't move away for him, don't throw everything away for him because if things don't end up well, you ll end up with nothing.

Norah1 · Sep 15, 2009, 06:36 PM

I read so much about breakups lately, I guess I started to mix them all. I was going for a 2 month "he-tox" but now that I read about NC rules, I think I will consider it... Thank you.

friend4u178 · Sep 15, 2009, 06:53 PM

You weren't good enough for him before and now that he doesn't have anyone else he's contacting you. He'd probably take you in and if he finds someone new throw you to the wolves again.

NEVER ever play second fiddle and be someone's Backup plan , might work for him in the short term but certainly won't do you any good in the Long term.

Romefalls19 · Sep 15, 2009, 07:04 PM

Why settle? He went searching for someone new, couldn't get anyone else so he wants to "settle" for you? Don't do it, keep NC, forever. Don't waste a single breath or love sick note on this clown!

Keep your head up and moving on

Norah1 · Sep 16, 2009, 06:28 AM

... And you guys just made me want to fight again. I was almost tempted to send him a message (he keeps finding me on the internet and sending me messages since yesterday) and say something like "we could be friends and see where it goes" but I can picture myself coming back here in a few weeks (if not days) and tell you you were right and I'm stupid.

NC is helping me a lot, I really don't know how, I control everything right now and like it. It's really hard reading the things he says now ("I'll never treat you like that again and I'm sorry") but I really hope I'll be able to keep NC forever. Thank you <3

Imabadman · Sep 16, 2009, 11:04 AM

You can't be serious thinking about going back to him. You know he'll do this again.

Delete him. Block him. Tell him to piss off. Don't you dare let the wack treat you that way. You deserve better, don't settle for him.

none12345 · Sep 16, 2009, 11:08 AM

Originally Posted by Norah1

... And you guys just made me want to fight again. I was almost tempted to send him a message (he keeps finding me on the internet and sending me messages since yesterday) and say something like "we could be friends and see where it goes" but I can picture myself coming back here in a few weeks (if not days) and tell you you were right and I'm stupid.

NC is helping me a lot, I really don't know how, I control everything right now and like it. It's really hard reading the things he says now ("I'll never treat you like that again and I'm sorry") but I really hope I'll be able to keep NC forever. Thank you <3

I don't think you understand what NC is. First of all if you are in NC, why can he still contact you? I can see why you are still struggling with NC. Simply delete all contact from him and disappear.

Triysle · Sep 16, 2009, 12:07 PM

Also, I would suggest taking a look at yourself in this situation. You were willing to throw away a marriage and basically your entire life to be with this person? Not to mention, someone you had never met face to face?

Have you ever been alone in your life? You really need to make sure you can be happy on your own, without depending on someone else for it. Then perhaps you could seek someone with whom to share your life.

Just my perspective. I agree with the points that were already made before mine. However, NC doesn't have to be permanent - just until you can control yourself and be rational. In other words, once you can accept not being together any more, and not hope for something to "grow." If you can accept the situation for what it is and wish nothing more to grow from it, then in my opinion you have learned all you can. Thus, the point of NC is filled.

You aren't even close to being there yet, though ;)

~ Tee

I wish · Sep 16, 2009, 12:12 PM

Here are the no contact rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

Here are some tips on how to fight the urges to break the no contact rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...es-351302.html

If you ever get tempted to respond to him or message him, just come here and talk to us. Don't give in to your urges, because it will just reselt all the progress you have made. Stay strong!