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Dada · Sep 4, 2006, 12:37 PM

Hello

First of all, thanks to all the mods and admins for running such a great forum. Kip
Up the good work!

Now here's my story,

I 've been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years. Last week she said she needed a break before we get any deeper in this relationship. I agreed and gave her some time. Knowing what to do, I broke all contact with her without hesitation (but obviously I was sad and lonely hoping things would get better)
Now here's the twist, couple of days ago she called me and said she is pregnant.
We both agreed that we are not ready yet. Now what I wonder is if I should keep the distance since she is on "break" or should I help her though it? I haven't asked what she wants yet - I feel guilty about it. Please suggest something.

Regards

valinors_sorrow · Sep 4, 2006, 12:46 PM

Please forgive me but I don't understand the part about "We both agree that we are not ready yet"... for what? The relationship to resume? Or the pending baby? I think it is a mistake to try and create a middle ground between in and not in a committed relationship. Call her, discuss what to do about the baby and the relationship since her turning up pregnant changes everything.

aqua@home · Sep 4, 2006, 01:11 PM

I think you should phone her and ask her what she wants to do about the baby. See what her feelings are. I hate to say it, but at this point she has most of the control. I think you should deal with the pregnancy before you deal with your relationship. I guess what I'm saying is don't stay together because of a baby. After you've decided what to do about the baby, then if there is anything left, you should work on the relationship if that is something you both want to pursue. I know everything is kind of mixed together, but think rationally.

YeloDasy · Sep 4, 2006, 01:51 PM

I agree... this changes the break issue... you can still have a break on your relationship but deal with the baby issue... keep it about the baby if you until you make some major decisions... then you can focus on your own emotions... hope that helps!

s_cianci · Sep 4, 2006, 06:45 PM

Are you the dad? Get a paternity test after the birth to make sure. It's awful strange that she wanted a "break" last week, then turns around a couple of days ago and tells you she's pregnant. This puts you in quite a bind. Kids need both a mother and a father but also need the mother and father to love and respect each other. If she is ambivalent about her relationship with you, needing a "break" after 1 1/2 years, then that doesn't bode well for the two of you having a future together, even though she is (presumably) carrying your child. That's why the paternity test is so important, so she can't cheat you out of your paternal rights by saying that the child isn't yours. Personally I think that the right thing to do would be to help her through it if she insists that it's yours. However, in all fairness to you, it should be a two-way street in that you should be able to receive her love and affection in turn, which precludes her needing a "break." I'd state it for her just that way ; tell her that you intend to be there for her but that you expect the same from her in return. But also, as Val and aqua have told you, the baby and the relationship are two separate issues. Don't feel indebted to have a relationship with her just because of the baby if she's not firmly committed to the same. Be willing to take care of your obligations as a father but that doesn't mean you owe her anything if she doesn't want to reciprocate in kind.

Krs · Sep 4, 2006, 11:46 PM

I would make sure the baby is yours before you take this any further.
To me it just sounds a little suspicious that she asks for a break then tells you she is pregnant.
The timing seems abit off for me.
But that could just be my suspicious mind.

Wildcat21 · Sep 5, 2006, 09:24 AM

Yes - you can't break now. I agree with everyone - find out if the baby is your.

VERY odd she wants a brerak now an 'oh yeah' I am pregnant.

You must get together and sit down and talk for a LONG TIME!!

Dada · Sep 6, 2006, 03:41 AM

Thanks you all for replies.

Yes, I am fully sure that baby is mine. I know it.

I had a chat with her and assured her of my commitment. This whole episode is looking a lot brighter now.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 6, 2006, 05:42 AM

Good to hear the good news, Dada and funny how your name turned out too, seeing that you'll soon ba a "dada"! :p
And by the way... congratulations!

chuff · Sep 6, 2006, 05:57 AM

Originally Posted by Dada

Thanks you all for replies.

Yes, I am fully sure that baby is mine. I know it.

I had a chat with her and assured her of my commitment. This whole episode is looking alot brighter now.

Oh... well if she told you so then of course we can believe her. Dada, I don't mean to be so rude but I've never met this woman and I already don't trust her. Are you even sure she' pregnant? Has she had this confirmed by a doctor? If she is pregnant than how do you know it's yours? She just dropped you so you obviously know that she was having second thoughts about you. How do you know that she didn't act on those thoughts with someone else? If she did how do know that guy didn't run off and now she is using you until the birth? How do you know that she won't then get you to sign the birth certificate as the father and have a significant portion of your earnings for the next 18 years. This entire story is fishy. I emplore you take your emotions (at least the best you can) out of this entire thing. One and One do not equal two here. Please get the paternity test when the child is born.

I hope I'm not coming on too strong but I just don't trust this woman.

Wildcat21 · Sep 6, 2006, 08:35 AM

KEEP the conversation open!! Let her talk. LISTEN TO HER!! LISTEN!!

Dada · Sep 6, 2006, 07:49 PM

How do I ask her to take a paternity test, without being rude?

I never thought there was anything fishy in this but now I can sense where you all are coming from. Will surely raise this point with her.

Thanks

Krs · Sep 7, 2006, 12:22 AM

Well as you were on a 'break' when she told you she is pregnant, you just want to make 110% sure that the baby to come is yours!

mysticque · Sep 12, 2006, 01:38 PM

You also have to remember how long has she been pregnant and how long has it been since she called off the relationship. Last week is not enough to make a woman pregnant in just a matter of days but it's a possibility. Lots of people try hard to have babies. Takes them ages. I wouldn't make assumptions and relying on people's point of views to get ideas how you would approach this whole situation. You have to remember how were things going on with you and her over the years. A baby is a blessing and it's all up to her and your decision whether it's time to pursue. Consider this she might not think she's ready but this is a turning poing of her life. She bears this for a life time. I'm sure there's a way to asking her taking the test but you have to know when was her last cycle ended. But definitely you need this sorted out without coming off as rude. Be gentle and responsive with her. Show some care and that you want to know if she had seen someone else prior she ended the terms with you.

BIM · Sep 12, 2006, 02:26 PM

My opinion is: There is a baby involved now! This child did not ask to be in this situation! The both of you need to keep this in mind when it come to the child. I would make sure it is yours and then you need to step up to the plate and work out the issues that involve this child.

Wildcat21 · Sep 12, 2006, 03:23 PM

You say - honey this is huge step in OUR lives - considering all WE have been through I would just request one thing - that we make sure the baby is mine.

talaniman · Sep 14, 2006, 09:19 AM

Be nice and support her , be there for her, probe gently for the truth but pick the right moment as she will be pissed anyway by you doubting her fidelity, but you must know.