[dance2006]

OK... long story I will do my best to keep short.

My boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) and I have been together for over 2 years. We had made plans for the future... marriage, house, etc. We lived together since last December. About 2 weeks ago he told me was having doubts about us. About a week ago he asked me for a break. About an hour after he left (he is staying at his parents) he started talking to me on the computer. We have talked every day since he left. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. Monday was a really bad day at work and I was missing him. Anyway he caught the brunt of my insecurities that day and he says I blew up at him. I know I screwed up. When I left work Monday I had a breakdown…I was crying uncontrollably for an hour. Today (Wednesday) he said had been doing some thinking about us. Then his internet went out. And he wouldn't answer his phone. So I head over to his parents because I feel the need to get things out in the open. Probably a huge mistake but I felt it needed to be done.

During previous conversations with him the question of whether we should talk has come up. He has said he would miss talking to me. So we continued to talk. The reason he took the break is because he is having trouble finding a job and is questioning what he should be doing with his life. He had this idea of where he wanted to be by the time he was 30. Well he is 26 and nowhere close to that point. He said he felt he needed to concentrate on finding a job. He feels like he can’t have everything he wants. I am from the belief that you can have everything you want…you may have to work really hard to get it but you can have it. I want to believe that he is just having issues with not being able to find a job. But there times I wonder if there is more to this. When he originally told me that he was having doubts I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said he didn’t know. I know he is confused. I am confused…and scared.

Deep down I feel like we are meant to be together. He says he still loves me. And I know I still love him.

The conversation ended with me saying that he has to make the next move. He has to start the next conversation. I feel like I screwed things Monday when I was feeling insecure. I just worry that he will only look at that conversation and think that that is how every conversation will be. What should I do? Is there more to him wanting this break? HELP!!

[valinors_sorrow]

For starters politely stop talking to him. A break should be a break otherwise neither of you gains the benefit of it!

Secondly, if it's a separation call it that, if it's a break up call it that -- they are different and this is a time to get very precise with language.

If this is a break up (his stuff is gone and any pending together business is getting handled) that means you are done, it is over and everyone needs to move on. The first thing on that path is how to handle the resulting grief of it with some measure of grace.

If this is a separation, it needs to be handled so that both of you know two really important things: for how long and what is expected at the end of that period (like a reconciliation conversation, or seeking professional help or whatever you care to pursue that will help either put you back together or end it officially). Do NOT sign up for an open ended separation like "when I get a job" -- its actually bad for both of you. Instead, let the first period end if necessary and at that time renegotiate an extension. This might sound business-like but you need the structure at a time like this, trust me. Also a separation means you both are still in a relationship with all its obligations other than communicating with each other... so no craziness allowed, okay?

I hope that helps and please ask more questions if any of it didn't make sense.

[Geoffersonairplane]

The reason he took the break is because he is having trouble finding a job and is questioning what he should be doing with his life. He had this idea of where he wanted to be by the time he was 30. Well he is 26 and nowhere close to that point.

Hi there...

I would say I agree with all the advice Val has given you in your previous response so I won't repeat it and no need for me to expand on it.

O.K. well I see that he is 26 and has trouble finding a job. It is common for men of this age to feel dedicated to the concept of a career as a dominant aspect of their life. I am 26 also and this idea of a developing a career is a big part of my life too. Men (it seems) just need to have some sense of direction and purpose and I am not sure if this is driven by the idea that men should be the breadwinners by view of society... He had no idea of where he wanted to be by the time he was 30?

It is good to set goals and targets but by limiting oneself by judging where you should be by a certain age is not necessarily good.

People vary in their timescale for knowing what they want to do with their lives. Your ex may be taking a little longer to work out what that is but then again, there are plenty of 30 something's I know that are making career changes... ME INCLUDED (even though I have 4 years left).

Point here is (and I am sorry it has taken me war and peace to get here) he is confused about where his life is going and probably wants to sort this area of his life out before working on his relationships..

I say, give him space and time to sort through these areas of his life and pull back not necessarily permanantly, but certainly temporarily..

Hope my advice has helped and that this situation works out for the best for you and him!

[dance2006]

He did know where he wanted to be by the time he was 30 and part of the problem is that things are not working out the way he wanted to. He was at our apartment when I got home this afternoon. He took a bunch of his stuff. That broke my heart even more. I don't really know what to consider this. Until today I thought it was just a separation but now I don't know and am scared to push the subject for fear that it will push him further away. There are so many memories of us in that apartment that he doesn't see on a daily basis. He isn't seeing my stuff when he wakes up in the morning. He isn't seeing my picture when he goes to sleep at night.

I need to find a way to find strength to get through this.

[Geoffersonairplane]

He did know where he wanted to be by the time he was 30 and part of the problem is that things are not working out the way he wanted to. He was at our apartment when I got home this afternoon. He took a bunch of his stuff. That broke my heart even more. I don't really know what to consider this. Until today I thought it was just a separation but now I don't know and am scared to push the subject for fear that it will push him further away. There are so many memories of us in that apartment that he doesn't see on a daily basis. He isn't seeing my stuff when he wakes up in the morning. He isn't seeing my picture when he goes to sleep at night.

I need to find a way to find strength to get through this.

Only the two of you can decide if this is a break or a separation, whilst I hope you both have an understanding of the definition of the two.

I know the pain you are feeling and I can understand what you are going through.. Believe me..

You both need space from each other...

It is the only way..

Too early for anyone to be speculating what is or should be happening or what may or may not happen in the future.

[rol]

<< don't really know what to consider this. Until today I thought it was just a separation but now I don't know and am scared to push the subject for fear that it will push him further away>>

No need to ask , don't ask anything , that is the best I can tell you.Breakup and break both pretty much amount to the same thing anyhow. I have gone through the same thing this year when my fiancé moved out in May. I know how you are feeling regarding the stuff gone, it is heartbreaking... Please however as much as you want to know what he is thinking, do not ask, it will just get you annegative answer... Now is the time to work on you, Eventually he is going to call so when you meet do not bring up the relationship at all. NOTHING. Just be the fun person he went out with in the beginning. Don't be available all the time, let him wonder why is she not asking me anything, why does she seem so happy.. Its a really hard act for you to do but it is what will work. He is focusing on his career right now , as the previous posters have said and he needs as little pressure from you as he can. Let him find himself and find yourself now again. I am here if you need any help, I know the exact pain you are going through and how you are dying to get some answers.

[talaniman]

I need to find a way to find strength to get through this.

Ay the risk of sounding like a broken record, but the best way to get through this is to not contact him for a good while. He wants space ,so give it to him. Don't sit on your hands waiting by the phone either. Get out and live your life without him. Healing is painful no doubt, but you will be that much stronger for it.

[valinors_sorrow]

I have to politely disagree here with this one aspect of not knowing. It is unfair and careless of him to leave you hanging like that. It cannot help but cause additional pain in an already distressing time, it would to anyone. If he is that irresponsible about something as important as this, then there may not be much to salvage here. I think I hear your intuition knowing this already too. I believe you have a right to expect some communication, even in these trying times, to prevent this very thing. But to continue dangling in the dark when you don't know is really your choice. You are doing it to you, not him, by your refusal to say, "hey, wait a minute, my feelings count too and I need to know something here-- break or separation??" I can only tell you that I have been paralysed by my fear like that in the past and nothing ever good came of it. And when others have tried to "ransom" me like that themselves (ie. If you ask him and he says he doesn't know and to quit asking in a manner that suggests you have no right to ask) it meant for me every single time that we were done, as much as I did NOT want that, whether it was friend or lover who did that to me. It is something I would not do to another and that is how I gauge whether I needed to tolerate something or not from a hurting person. Just because they are hurting doesn't give them a license to hurt another or if it does, they are no friend of mine.

[rol]

Yeah hard to know Val, I agree with what you say also... but...

I'm guessing the guy is completely confused and the more she hassles him for if it is a breakup or break then the more she is likely to get breakup as the answer.
It most probably is a break up so she should think of it like that and get on as best as she can for now..
When my ex left first he kept saying that it was not just a break and it was not a break-up , it was something in between, but then when I talked to him later he said whenever a guy tells you he wants space or needs to be alone what he means is that he wants to breakup.

So my thinking behind all this now is just that, when a guy leaves it is a break up .He can say its just a break or a separation or whatever other words he may use! But the best thing for the girl to do in this situation is to pull back completely and get on with her life. So personally I would not press him for the status right now...

Let him see she is fine without him , that will get him thinking instead!

[rol]

And most probably if I ever had to go through such an ordeal again I would just take it like that as a breakup!! And not leave him the control of asking is it a break etc(That sounds a bit wussy, needy and weak.). Why give him all the power? There are 2 of you here. So I say it again don't ask anything, be that strong, confident girl who focuses just on herself!! :o

[rol]

<< The reason he took the break is because he is having trouble finding a job and is questioning what he should be doing with his life>>

Also when he contacts you again ,and after you are so busy that u have hardly any time to fit him in on your busy schedule, listen really listen to him about his concern finding a job. Do not offer him any advice , let him find the solution himself..

[Geoffersonairplane]

<< The reason he took the break is because he is having trouble finding a job and is questioning what he should be doing with his life>>

Also when he contacts you again ,and after you are so busy that u have hardly any time to fit him in on your busy schedule, listen really listen to him about his concern finding a job. Do not offer him any advice , let him find the solution himself..

I like this advice. Rol is speaking good sense here since it is his career he is concerned about. Speaking from a man's point of view, I used to like talking to my ex about my career aims and she did listen. That means something when you listen to something that is important to us.

Maybe he thinks he is dealing with this area of his life on his own and just wants either support or someone to listen to him..

Good advice rol, cannot rate it as site wants me to spread the rep first.

[valinors_sorrow]

I have to say here Rol, there is a line... where one must ask self, do I want to play games or do I want a relationship? But if someone can't see the line, or doesn't knows the difference between games and relationship, then it will be what it will be. All I know is if I loved someone, there is no way I would settle for having to guess its over when it might be a separation, and risk compounding the trouble by acting like it was over when I don't know for certain it is. Every relationship I ever had ended with a clear understanding that it was over and we all would have considered anything less as inhumane or cowardice. I stand my ground on this in the face of a lot of disagreement, I realise... but if you aren't adult enough to know where the brakes are and when to apply them, then you ought not be riding on the toboggan, as they say! LOL

Edited after the Comment: LOL and I think its too late. She is already suffering from not knowing. He blew his responsibility when he left without clear understanding and she perpetuates it by not asking. If anyone wants to run a relationship like that, it is of course their choice but its asking to be unnecessarily additionally hurt in my book. I don't pull band-aids off one hair at a time. Owie!

[rol]

yes girls(including myself)have a very bad habit of interupting and giving unsolicited advice.. For a man this must be so annoying,as the man really likes to be the one to solve his own problems, it is an area I really try to work on..
Just listen... and sum up briefly what he said at the end.
Be a good friend for the guy right now while is working through HIS problems.
(I know Dance you want to know where you stand , but you will really stand nowhere unless you try to understand him right now)

[ordinaryguy]

He feels like he can’t have everything he wants. I am from the belief that you can have everything you want…you may have to work really hard to get it but you can have it.

I think it was Thoreau who said "My greatest skill has been to want but little". You can have everything you want as long as you don't get greedy.

Leave him alone for awhile. Work on centering yourself. Life is too short for head banging.

[dance2006]

We still have to have some communication because he still has a bunch of stuff at our apartment. Plus he will still have to pay half the rent. I want to be strong and show him that I can get over him but I also want him to know that I still love him but I don't know how to do it. I know right now is not the right time to do that and that is one of the hardest things.

[rol]

Could he not come and get the stuff when you are not there..
In my case this was the best thing as it would have killed me to see that.. and start deciding who owns what and all that nonsense.

I am sure for him also he would prefer to just come and collect his stuff when you are not there. Anyhow there is no need to talk about that yet and if he is paying the rent I guess that can be done by bank transfer.

For now I think no contact is the best.
Show him you can get over it in actions by not contacting him and being needy. He knows you love him.

Let him contact you now when he is ready for a talk.

[valinors_sorrow]

We still have to have some communication because he still has a bunch of stuff at our apartment. Plus he will still have to pay half the rent.

Okay, now I am confused... he doesn't have a job, he appears to be breaking up with you and he is moving out of the apartment. So how does that support you thinking he still has to pay half the rent? :confused:

[dance2006]

Because his name is on the lease.

[valinors_sorrow]

I think I am beginning to see what the problem is... thank you.