[DownNout]

Hello all,

After reading all these threads, and the variety of situations, I come to wonder if any of the outcome have been a happy one. I am in a similar situation but I am preparing for the worst.

I thought I may share my pain here as well.

My relationship started when I was 19 and she was 16. The first 4 years was a semi-long distance relationship. I was in university about 1.5 hours away. I saw her mainly every other weekend or whenever I was able to catch the bus home.

We had the deepest of love in a relationship. Head over heel in love. Getting into the latest years of our relationship, we had a huge bump (In our 5th year). There was another man. In the end she came back to me and we were supportive of each other again. At least 4 years have passed since that day. I am now 29 and she is 26.

I can honestly tell you that I love her with all my heart. Even though, it has been 10 years, each and everyday that has gone by, I felt like I was in love with her all over again.

The one thing that I regret the most, was that I always gave her everything. Never saying no when I should have. I am not an ugly looking guy, I have a great job and career. At this point, many girls have said that I would be an amazing catch. But getting back to the story.

Recently, a lot of her friends have been getting married. Her entire family loves me, and actually have asked when I was going to pop the question. I was planning to it this summer on our exact 10 year anniversary. I still have the first movie ticket for our first date and I was planning to take her there to ask her. Apparently, she has also been pressured by her parents as well to settle down.

She has recently called off our relationship stating that she doesn't see me being the one.

Ironically, it has been a year ago as well, we broke up for the same reason... and got back together after I gave her some distance for 2 months.

In this recent break up, she stated that the last time we got back together was because she was weak. BASICALLY, I was the filler.

I got back together with her that time because I believe in someone and I believe that if you love someone completely, you need to work through things.

With this break up, I am once again hurt and devastated.

But have I come to realized a few things.

1) She does love me, but not with all her heart. I believe that the guy that was in her life 4 years ago still haunts her and that her heart hasn't really let go. It suck that I had to endured all this because I loved her. I gave her all the chances. This is pretty much a one side relationship, I loved her more than she loved me.

2) She says, that I am not the one, because she saw this guy in the pass as the possible person. They broke up at a high point in their relationship with all the lust etc. Again, there is a difference between Love and Lust..

3) This break up was a build up of what I mentioned above and pressure of marriage.

4) She has a Fairy Tale of being head over heel in love and getting married (Lust). If you marry out of Lust.. will it last?

5) She is not mature enough to think for 2, but instead of herself.

We have common friends, and they say its not fair for me. They are right. There is no other guy, but I think she needs to discover for herself and figure out this. I have cut off all contacts again, but we will be meeting up in August for a wedding where I am a on the groom side and she is on the bride. We are both apart of the bridal party.

I guess, we will know by then where we stand. To be honest, I don't want to close my door on her. But I am open to seeing how my life would be like without her.

I may not be there in the end, if she does realize things, but I still care.

Let me know what you guys are thinking.

Cheers,

[Tashaxoxo]

Heyy DownNout. Wow. What an interesting position you are in. I don't know how much my opinion will mean, but now that I've read your novel *winks* I might as well give you my view on the whole thing.
Your friends are right-> you are not getting what you deserve. I can relate. To her. I'm in a similar situation. As long as there is another guy out there that she is looking out for, you be getting all of what you should be getting. I'm not saying to give up on her completely, but don't get too caught up in her either. I mean, it sounds like your guys's relationship has been off and on, and I know its for "love", but, to be quite frank, love doesn't come and go from time to time. It either comes and leaves and never comes back, or comes and never leaves. There's a saying I once heard: "if you love someone, set them free. or cripple them so they can't get away." humourous as it may be, it pretty much makes sense. If you love someone who doesn't love you the same way in return, let them go or force them to stay. I hope everything turns out well for the two of you. And even though this all came from me, I hope it helped you out somewhat.
Good luckk

[DownNout]

Heyy DownNout. wow. what an interesting position you are in. i dont know how much my opinion will mean, but now that i've read your novel *winks* i might aswell give you my view on the whole thing.
Your friends are right-> you are not getting what you deserve. i can relate. to her. im in a similar situation. as long as there is another guy out there that she is looking out for, you be getting all of what you should be getting. im not saying to give up on her completely, but dont get too caught up in her either. i mean, it sounds like your guys's relationship has been off and on, and i know its for "love", but, to be quite frank, love doesnt come and go from time to time. it either comes and leaves and never comes back, or comes and never leaves. there's a saying i once heard: "if you love someone, set them free. or cripple them so they can't get away." humourous as it may be, it pretty much makes sense. if you love someone who doesnt love you the same way in return, let them go or force them to stay. i hope everything turns out well for the two of you. and even though this all came from me, i hope it helped you out somewhat.
good luckk

I definitely appreciate the honesty and opinion.

I funny thing was that I always put her feeling before mine (that's because you really love that person)... I can imagine, if the other person did the same thing and felt that same way... we would have an amazing relationship.

As I mentioned above, its my story and hope others can relate. I'm hurt and devastated. But this is an opportunity for myself. I have a lot to offer, if she doesn't appreciated it.. I'm sure there will be someone else. I'm not a person that will leave someone for someone else. My door is only open for a limited amount of time. But, in my heart, I will still think of her, but it won't cloud my love for the next person. She was a significant part of my life, and I will not hesitate to tell the next person that, but I can assure you that it will not effect my next relationship.

A relationship like this is rare. The ring I was going to select was a VVS1, E, Princess. I wanted to give her this as a sign of flawlessness, that our next chapter would be like the ring, that our love going forward would be clear and flawless as the stone. The Rarity of this ring would be our bond from the beginning to end. As not many people can share something like this. Oh well...

[brkfstatiffs]

Hey there,
As a female, I say let her go. You sound like a great guy and I'm sure once you get out there and start to date you will realize a lot of women will appreciate you and won't have to be so on and off with everything. Why go back to her when you've already devoted 10 years and she left you once again? I say it's better to let go now, then hypothetically marry her in another year and then have her feel this way mid way down your marriage with a kid on the way... know what I mean? Try e-harmony... a good way to realize there are a lot of decent women out there. I recently signed up after a horrible on and off break up with my ex. I don't have a problem meeting people out, but it's a pretty cool site.

[brkfstatiffs]

P.S. - You don't have to shut her off, you guys can remain friends... just let her have some space sounds like you both might benefit from it.

[s_cianci]

Frankly, I'd move on with my life, without her. You weren't together for the right reasons. You and she obviously have different goals in life right now and just aren't compatible. I think you've learned some valuable lessons here, just be sure not to forget them and to put them into practice from now on.

[DownNout]

Today has been a hard day so far.

Its hitting me hard, I'm trying to move on and keeping a bit of hope.

Work can't keep me focus wow.

She has not wanted to talk to anyone not even her mom or friends. I know I should not be caring, but this July would be 10 years. I can't just forget and go.

She is very stubborn and hard headed. Negative quality, but that is who she is. Yet I love her still.

I want to help, I truly believe she has pushed away due to pressure. Why is she not talking and being unhappy?

Is this her way of just forgetting or thinking? Its not like she was asking for space or a break... it was like the end of our relationship.

How long should I wait before all is gone and I have nothing left to save?

[valinors_sorrow]

I think you answered your own question when you said it was a one-sided relationship, that she lacks the maturity or commitment you have. It never was what you wanted it to be since she couldn't... wouldn't... didn't come through for you. You waited all this time and its never paid off. Why wait more? What is there to indicate she'll suddenly come through for you? Get your feet on the ground and let them lead you to a partner who can reciprocate what you offered here. There is hope you will find a woman who can love and be loved that way you envision, it just isn't going to be this one. Next time be a bit more discerning and unwilling to settle for so much less.

[talaniman]

It is never easy to mend a hole in your soul that's 10 years big but you must accept that this relationship is over, never to return and look forward to the future. Wish you much luck.

[PeggyinFlorida]

Move on.

[Need you Opinion]

Wow, Last night I posted the same story, but in this case I'm the female. Although, I don't have another person approaching me, I'm not the same with him and he suffer about that. I know I'm the one that has to do changes. Looking at your point of view, which similar to his. I would say, give her space, you sound like a good guy and if she is confused she can't hurt you if you put too much pressure on her. In your position, I'll get involved in your job(It worked for me) and get into something you like to do, music, art, gym to distract yourself and avoid thinking in the situation you have no control right now. There's nothing worst to keep thinking over and over, it's exasperating and painful. This is what I have done and worked for me, even when in my case I'm the "bad" but it still painful for me.

[DownNout]

Where I am today.

Its been almost 2 months since the break up. My x has made a bit of communication and I have responded. But no pressure and what not. I have come to term on things and have decided to move on.. if things were meant to be.. then we'll see... I can't wait.

Funny thing is that 100% of people I have spoken to said that she is so wrong. She will realize what she has lost.

As for me, I just started my MBA program, working and meeting new people now.

I'll update as time goes by.

[Jiser]

Keep on chugging on ;) keep up the good work!

[startover22]

Move on. Very good advise. Let me tell you, you seem smart, loving, cute, and funny! Let someone who deserves you love you the RIGHT way. Let another person show you how great you are. This girl hasn't. I think it is great that you are open to being without her. Let yourself shine, you can do it! It should be fun to tell you the truth, maybe you will think of things on a different angle not just hers. You sound wonderful, and very open to suggestions. I suggest you let her know that you are moving on and leave it alone. I would not suggest keeping her in your life until you know you can handle that. Good luck.