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Poppypetra · Aug 7, 2009, 02:27 PM

I am a 16 year old and think I am depressed it all started when my mum left me when I was on holiday with my dad she moved away and never told me also she suffers from a illness that affects the mentally but she came back about 6 months later and thinks everything is OK again but I am finding it hard to forgive her. At the min I stay with my dad and step mum but my stepmum gives me a hard time and always bosses me around and says that I never do anything and that she always has to do stuff for me but when my dad is around she acts all nic to me. I feel as though she doesn't want me around I also sometimes feel that my dad doesn't want me around, a few of my friends and neighbours have said the same that she doesn't want me around. I cry most nights as it's the only way I can let everything out, I have a good friend who I can talk to but she doesn't always see my point of view.
I need help please and someone who will listen and understand
Please help me

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2009, 02:30 PM

Why does your stepmum say "that i never do anything anything"?

Poppypetra · Aug 7, 2009, 02:33 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why does your stepmum say "that i never do anything anything"?

She says that I don't do anything in that I just sit around and not help but one of my days include getting up doing 2 hours of housework then going to work/ school then I go and help at my stables then I do my homework and then usually I do more housework then I go for a walk at night about 8 oclock
But she can't see that as when I do that she is at work.

Justwantfair · Aug 7, 2009, 02:40 PM

Do you have chores to contribute to the household?

I lived with my father and step-mother growing up and she was very jealous of me and mean when I was in high school. My own mother wasn't very motherly either. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and depressing, but if you have great friends that is a good start.

Your relationship with your step mother will probably mend some as you become an adult. My step mother is now one of my best friends and confidants. It just takes time to get to a point where you aren't what she views possibly as an inconvenience and a threat.

Do what you can to focus on school and your friends and contribute while you can around the house. This should help mend in time.

Poppypetra · Aug 7, 2009, 02:45 PM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Do you have chores to contribute to the household?

I lived with my father and step-mother growing up and she was very jealous of me and mean when I was in high school. My own mother wasn't very motherly either. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and depressing, but if you have great friends that is a good start.

Your relationship with your step mother will probably mend some as you become an adult. My step mother is now one of my best friends and confidants. It just takes time to get to a point where you aren't what she views possibly as an inconvenience and a threat.

Do what you can to focus on school and your friends and contribute while you can around the house. This should help mend in time.

Yeah I suppose it will mend my relationship with my stepmother I just find it hard as she was at the start of it like a best friend to me then she married my dad and started being harsh on me like shouting and swearing etc.

Yeah I do chores but she says that I have to do more things,and when I speak to my friends they all say that they never do anything like it and only occasionally help out,

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2009, 02:47 PM

Originally Posted by Poppypetra

she says that i dont do anything in that i just sit around and not help but one of my days include gettin up doin 2 hours of housework then goin to work/ school then i go and help at my stables then i do my homework and then usually i do more housework then i go for a walk at night about 8 oclock
but she can't see that as when i do that she is at work.

She can't see the results of your efforts? It's time to have a talk with her and include your dad too. Ask her what you should be doing differently. Listen to her, and don't get whiny or mouthy. Have paper and a pen handy, and write down what she says. Don't be defensive and try to justify your busy schedule. Then use a calendar page to make a plan that includes all your work and activities for a month. Put a check behind each that you do.

Sunday
8 - feed and groom horses
10 - church
11:30 - help prepare dinner
1 - wash dishes and put them away
2 - start homework

Monday
6 - get up and ready for school, feed horses
8-3 - school
4 - do homework
4 - help with supper

etc.

Poppypetra · Aug 7, 2009, 02:54 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

She can't see the results of your efforts? It's time to have a talk with her and include your dad too. Ask her what you should be doing differently. Listen to her, and don't get whiny or mouthy. Have paper and a pen handy, and write down what she says. Don't be defensive and try to justify your busy schedule. Then use a calendar page to make a plan that includes all your work and activities for a month. Put a check behind each that you do.

Sunday
8 - feed and groom horses
10 - church
11:30 - help prepare dinner
1 - wash dishes and put them away
2 - start homework

Monday
6 - get up and ready for school, feed horses
8-3 - school
4 - do homework
4 - help with supper

etc.

Okay then yeah this sounds a good idea il try this and see how it goes
Thank you :cool:

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2009, 03:01 PM

If you can improve the relationship with your stepmum and feel good about what you are doing for your family, your mood will automatically improve.

Oh, and compliment both of them now and then, and thank each of them occasionally for something specific. "That top looks so good on you, Jean" or "Thanks for helping my dad be so happy." Even if she still makes you mad, swallow that feeling and do what I say (and don't talk back). You will be surprised at what happens.

Poppypetra · Aug 7, 2009, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If you can improve the relationship with your stepmum and feel good about what you are doing for your family, your mood will automatically improve

Yeah its like what I can and can't do evolves around her as I can't go see my real mum as when I return home my stepmum doesn't talk to me.
Thank you

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2009, 03:10 PM

Originally Posted by Poppypetra

yeah its like what i can and can't do evolves around her as i can't go see my real mum as when i return home my stepmum doesnt talk to me.

Try that again with punctuation and good English, please.

Poppypetra · Aug 7, 2009, 03:15 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Try that again with punctuation and good English, please.

Sorry it is meant to be like if I improve my relationship with my step mother then hopefully eveything will get better with everything else like going to see my real mum, as at the minuet when I do go to see my mum , ill come back home and my step mum won't talk to me for a few days, hopefully if I try improving things with my stepmum then everything else will work out.
Thank you

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2009, 03:28 PM

Originally Posted by Poppypetra

ill come back home and my step mum wont talk to me for a few days

She may be jealous of your mom, or even scared about what you and your mom said about her. When you get home again, say things in her hearing like, "It's really good to be home again."

jstillie · Aug 7, 2009, 03:28 PM

Where did your mother go when she left for six months? You say she also suffers from mental illness - is it possibly that her absence was related to that? Maybe she went to a psychiatric hospital or something, and was just to embarrassed to tell you what really happened. A lot of people (especially older generations) feel there is a "weakness" stigma associated with mental illness. Your mother could fall within this generation.

As for what you should do, is, find out the above, about your mom, where she was. Even bring it up to her. Tell her that you feel you are now depressed because of the incident. You expressing how you feel with your mother is probably the best. A really good conversation can often heal all issues.
As for your step mother... Its hard to change step mothers who are mean to step mothers are NOT mean. Think about this from your step mothers point of view. Exactly as some of the other answers say, she could be jealous of you, or feels angry because all of a sudden, she was the acting mother of a 16 year old. I don't know if she has other children or not. Its possible she is mad about having to be the active mom and is probably resenting you a bit. As you said, she was a nice person but lately, not so much... because now she is your acting mom. I'm sure if you were not at your father's house full time, your relationship with your step mom would improve.

If you could sort out the problem with your mom, would you be able to move in with her again? If you could do that, then you can still develop a good relationship with your step mother as well. I'm sure that if she only had to be acting mother part time, she wouldn't be so unpleasant to be around.
;)

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2009, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by jstillie

Its hard to change step mothers who are mean to step mothers are NOT mean.

I totally disagree. But then you went on to say how the questioner can use empathy to her benefit, to improve things with her stepmum, which is exactly what she should do.

Poppypetra · Aug 7, 2009, 03:43 PM

Originally Posted by jstillie

Where did your mother go when she left for six months? You say she also suffers from mental illness - is it possibly that her absence was related to that? Maybe she went to a psychiatric hospital or something, and was just to embarassed to tell you what really happened. A lot of people (especially older generations) feel there is a "weakness" stigma associated with mental illness. Your mother could fall within this generation.

As for what you should do, is, find out the above, about your mom, where she was. Even bring it up to her. Tell her that you feel you are now depressed because of the incident. You expressing how you feel with your mother is probably the best. A really good conversation can often heal all issues.
As for your step mother.......Its hard to change step mothers who are mean to step mothers are NOT mean. Think about this from your step mothers point of view. Exactly as some of the other answers say, she could be jealous of you, or feels angry because all of a sudden, she was the acting mother of a 16 year old. I don't know if she has other children or not. Its possible she is mad about having to be the active mom and is probably resenting you a bit. As you said, she was a nice person but lately, not so much... because now she is your acting mom. I'm sure if you were not at your father's house full time, your relationship with your step mom would improve.

If you could sort out the problem with your mom, would you be able to move in with her again? If you could do that, then you can still develop a good relationship with your step mother as well. I'm sure that if she only had to be acting mother part time, she wouldn't be so unpleasant to be around.
;)

My mum ran away to england to meet up with a bloke as she had a mental breakdown here and couldn't help herself, yeah I think that when she left it was due to her illness.
I understand fully what you are saying about my stepmum being a acting mum and it might not have been what she wanted. I will however talk to my mum and see if we can resolve some poblems that have been in the past.
Thank you for the advise.
:)

Poppypetra · Aug 7, 2009, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

She may be jealous of your mom, or even scared about what you and your mom said about her. When you get home again, say things in her hearing like, "It's really good to be home again."

Yeah I have never tried that I usually come in and just go quiet but ill keep that in mind thank you :)