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RiaO31 · Aug 12, 2007, 08:38 AM

We've been married for a year, been dated for 3 years prior. We have a 5 month old son together. The thing is, my husband works and I stay at home with the baby. I am really happy that I am able to stay home, but my husband works nights 45 minutes away. He is scheduled out at 10:30, but doesn't get home until 1AM. He doesn't spend time with me or his son. He sleeps until noon every day, but as soon as he gets up he gets ready for work. We share a car between us, so I don't get a chance to go out and if I do, it's not by myself.
On his days off he will either sleep all day or spend it with one of his friends. I feel like I am his personal doormat. I never ask him for help around the house. But he doesn't notice when I clean or appreciates when I've done something nice. His son barely sees him, and my husband hardly ever partakes in parental duties. It kills me inside because I never had a father, and I don't know what it's like to have one. I just wanted my son to experience the love of a father. Sometimes my husband has this attitude that our son is a burden. It breaks my heart to see this. We've gone to marriage counseling and have separated. Things go OK for a few weeks, then slowly start going back to the way they were.
I don't know what to do. I don't know him like I used to. I am not anxious when he comes home, and I just go about my day now like he's a roommate. I am not going to try and get him to spend time with his family anymore like I used to. What do you think?

talaniman · Aug 12, 2007, 08:58 AM

You sound like the typical bored house wife, who seldom gets out, and so focused on your kids and huband you have forgotten who you are, and how to enjoy yourself, and make yourself happy. When hubby is sleep then pack your baby, and get out and get some air an visit family and friends, and have your own thing to do. You are responsible for your own happiness. How old are you, and do you have any friends who drive??

RiaO31 · Aug 12, 2007, 09:54 AM

My age is 25. Well I do have friends that drive, but they have a life of their own. And as for getting out, I feel that I deserve to get out without the baby once in a while. I already was told that I would parent 90% of the time and men usually 10%. But on the other hand, it takes 2 people to make a perfect little baby. He should be more responsive to his child! I don't get it. Maybe I am the "typical bored housewife" but that makes no excuses for his behavior with his family. Why should he come and go as he pleases like he's still a teenager? And get upset when I ask him to feed the baby, or change a diaper, or give him a bath?
It's ridiculous.

talaniman · Aug 12, 2007, 10:24 AM

You both will have to learn to help each other and work together and that take a lot of talking and listening. Ask the grandparents to baby sit on occasion and let your hair down. When the wife and I went through this I was scared at first but came to enjoy staying alone with my kids (boy and girl 11 months apart) while my wife took a break. I had the same schedule as your husband and that first off day couldn't move. The second I had no motivations for anything but was perfect for watching kids. He will learn as he may be afraid as most men of being responsible for a baby, their crying scares the hell out of us. I agree he should be more sensitive to your needs. Talk not argue, and see if advance notice can get you out the house for some you time.

RiaO31 · Aug 12, 2007, 10:37 AM

I appreciate your advice. We both need to learn how to communicate better. I haven't really heard a man's perspective. I will try it :)

talaniman · Aug 12, 2007, 10:50 AM

I wish you luck and have patience, He probably resents having to spend so many hours away as it is. Most young guys do. I did. It takes years of trials and tribulations for couple to really know the wants and needs of each other, but it get better between you, as you both keep working at it. I bet he comes from a family where the man worked hard at work and the woman worked hard at home. Looking to how he was raised and the family dynamics he grew up with will give you clues, and insights. As to how he is now. You still are responsible for having your own happiness.

RiaO31 · Aug 13, 2007, 08:27 PM

I don't know what to do.. my husband and I got into a huge blow up fight today. I tried talking with him, he didn't try with me. He just wants to ignore it.
To make a long story short it got to physical violence today and now he is being served with restraining papers.
I feel like I didn't do the right thing... I just don't know anymore. I don't know what to do.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 13, 2007, 08:30 PM

There is never any excuse ofr violence,

nauticalstar420 · Aug 13, 2007, 08:31 PM

If he is hurting you physically then I say yes, you did the right thing by filing a restraining order on him. A lot of times, if they get physical once, they will most certainly do it again.

Before going to the extremes of a divorce, you can try counseling. He can't harm you there, it will be you, him and the counselor in the room. The counselor will try and help you two come to the conclusion on why this has been going on, and if it can be resolved. If it can't be resolved, it is best to go your separate ways rather than have him be physically violent towards you.

Skell · Aug 13, 2007, 08:33 PM

Yes you should get a divorce. As Chuck said there is no excuse for violence. As hard as it may seem I think you need to get out before it only gets worse.

Good luck!

RiaO31 · Aug 13, 2007, 08:36 PM

It's scary. I know he is going to be so mad when they serve the papers. The police were here for 2 hours waiting for him. He has been avoiding their calls and his sisters (who is a dispatcher).
I feel so stuck between emotions. We've tried marriage counciling, but that lasted only a few sessions. Do you think I should let him file the divorce? Should I wait it out?

nauticalstar420 · Aug 13, 2007, 08:38 PM

If you already tried counseling and that didn't work, then I believe that a divorce may be a good thing, rather than the alternative, which could possibly be him hitting you.

I am not a divorce expert, as I have never gone through one, but I have seen friends and family members go through them, and for some reason I have heard that it would be better for you to file first. Don't quote me on that, I'm not sure why it would be better, but I have heard that.

Skell · Aug 13, 2007, 08:41 PM

I know it must be scary and I feel for you but my above advice still stands. Get out before it escalates.

Do you have family where you can stay?

But if you have tried counseling and he is now getting physical with you then in my opinion that is a sign to get out.

If you think this is scary just imagine how you feel next time he clenches his fist in rage. That is scary too.

RiaO31 · Aug 13, 2007, 08:46 PM

I kind of feel like my mom and my friends pushed me to get the restraining order. I am so mad at him! My 5 month old son and my 11 year old niece were witnesses. I will never forgive myself for that..
I really need to think about everything.. let it all set in. It seems like it happened too fast. But on the other hand, I think well I got the restraining order maybe I should file for divorce. That's what it leads to. We haven't been married very long. We got married after we found out I was pregnant. I was with him for 3 years prior. Its so weird how marriage and a baby changes things. I thought I knew him.

nauticalstar420 · Aug 13, 2007, 08:48 PM

Doing things like that in front of children not only hurts you, it hurts them as well. Your 5 month old may not know the difference, but an 11 year old knows exactly what is going on. Whatever you decide to do, please be careful. And as Skell suggested, you may want to stay with some friends or family for a while until you get all of this straightened out. Just remember that the people on this site are always here if you need us. :)

RiaO31 · Aug 14, 2007, 04:02 PM

I ended up putting a temp protection order against him. I have the house and full custody of our son until the end of this month. He depleted our savings, and I had enough money to buy baby food and sandwich meat. He cancelled my cell phone.. but I will have a landline installed tomorrow... just those things right there. It's like he doesn't think about the ramifications! I know this sounds stupid, but I still love him. And a part of me wants things to work out. But I won't be the one to make the first step. Thank you all for listening to me. I'm having a real hard time with it.

s_cianci · Aug 14, 2007, 04:04 PM

What "right thing" did you not do? Is this a one-time incident or a habit? If it's a one-time thing then counseling may save you. But if it's on-going, then you need to steer clear of him for your own physical and emotional protection.

nauticalstar420 · Aug 14, 2007, 04:05 PM

A good guy would not drain your savings account out from under you and your child. All he is thinking about is himself. I am however glad you are getting some time away from him (with the protection order). Let us know how everything goes! If you need to talk, we are always here.

P.S. - I understand that you love him. You can't just turn off love like a light switch, but in the same you have to think about your own safety and the safety of your child. Your child is the most important right now. Good luck. :)

Chery · Aug 14, 2007, 04:17 PM

Originally Posted by RiaO31

It's scary. I know he is going to be so mad when they serve the papers. The police were here for 2 hours waiting for him. He has been avoiding their calls and his sisters (who is a dispatcher).
I feel so stuck between emotions. We've tried marriage counciling, but that lasted only a few sessions. Do you think I should let him file the divorce? Should I wait it out?

Honey, you file first. If counseling did not work and he does not want to be civil about it - then yes you did the right thing by calling the police. It is better than someone calling the coroner when he gets back and still thinks he can do anything he wants.

There is no excuse on this earth for any man to hit a woman unless he is a soldier and the woman is the enemy. But to hit a woman you live with and have children with, that is a NO,NO.

You are probably all upset and confused right now, so let things settle, make sure you are not alone and try to get some rest.

Get back with us and keep us posted.

Good Luck, dear.

talaniman · Aug 14, 2007, 04:17 PM

You have done the right thing by calling the police, and having papers filed. You made no mention of violence then, so I can only assume things are getting worse, so its time to make sure of you and your child's safety. In your last post I believe you were going to try and talk, so what started all of this? Have you talked to your family for their support?